The Queen Has Been Overthrown
by go-sullivan
Summary: Spencer Hastings makes a deal with the devil she knows, and years later she is still paying for it. Spencer has spent the last 15 years in prison, serving time for murders she didn't commit. Getting out on parole, was the easy part. Adjusting to life on the outside is just the beginning. A future AU universe.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This plot bunny has had me in it's grips forever. So I had to finally write it. I researched some of the details. Errors are mine.

Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars.

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Spencer Hastings found the sun to be shining too brightly. She blinked and then shielded her eyes with her hand. She made a note to buy a pair of sunglasses, as soon as she could afford to. Logically, she knew that this was the same sun that had shone down on her when she was at Muncy, but the freedom to be outside was suffocating and made the sun all the more intense.

The bus she was waiting for came and she got on. It would be her first day of what the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania Department of Corrections deemed "gainful employment". Watching scenes of the city pass by through the tinted bus window, the same scenes she had ignored when she was driving her own car, she had to wonder what her sixteen-year-old self would think if she could see her now.

A rueful smirk spread across her face. She had already been making plans for college and law school since she was eight. She had a career path mapped out. Those plans had room for her to marry a like-minded husband, and have children, who would have the same childhood she had, grow up the way she did. Rinse, lather, and repeat.

Right now, 33-year-old Spencer Hastings would be unrecognizable to her sixteen-year-old self, and to her friends. Wearing jeans and a white shirt that came from a pack of three that were a far cry from the designer outfits she had worn her junior year, she looked at her opaque reflection in the window. She was older to be sure, especially around the eyes and mouth. Her nose was slightly off center, after getting broken by a stray punch that hadn't been meant for her during a fight in the common area. The prison physician had been in a hurry to get home for the day, so he had done a rushed job when setting it. Another ruin to be mapped on her face was the faint scar on her upper lip where her lip had been split open her first year in general population and stitched back in a crooked line by the same physician. There were other scars, not all of them visible.

Then there were the tattoos taking up permanence on her skin. Spencer had been of the opinion that tattoos were for hipsters and ex-convicts. Well, she could be considered the latter now. Each one had it's own special meaning, either a remembrance or a regret there on her skin for everyone to see. She wasn't ashamed of the sleeve of ink on her left arm. People would avoid her, and she was okay with that. She wanted to be invisible.

Getting off at the spot her new boss told her to use, Spencer shoved her hands in her pockets and walked swiftly, a habit left over from when she had a limited amount of time to do things in. She scanned the storefronts for the given address, and finally found it in between a place that was called Adobo Joe's and a grocery store. She found it hard to believe that places like these still existed, that not everything was a franchise chain.

Opening the door and stepping inside, Spencer was assaulted by the intense smells of baked goods and coffee. The smells on the outside were stronger, sometimes she wanted to gag. But it was comforting, that smell of brewed coffee, and something that felt familiar. She closed her eyes and took another breath.

"Hey! Tell me you're Spencer or order something. You're kinda freaking me out just standing there."

Spencer opened her eyes and found herself face to face with a tiny brunette with tan skin, wearing an apron and an amused smile on her face. "Yes. I'm Spencer."

"Awesome. I'm Karolina. Welcome to "Cupcake-a-Coffee". You're early, but I'll let Nina know you're here." She nodded to the Asian guy behind the register. "Hey, Solomon. This is Spencer. She's new." They then continued behind the counter and through a door that leads to the kitchen.

The kitchen looked pretty sterile and more like an operating room. The white tiled walls and steel counter tops didn't look welcoming, but the smells drafting around the room were a warm hug. There were racks of desserts cooling and mixers, bowls, and rolling pins. And a tall blonde singing while icing cupcakes and a black woman bobbing her head as he pulled a tray of brownies out of an oven were in the center of it all, livening up the place.

"Nina! Eli! Your new girl is here!" Karolina announced and waved her hands in Spencer's directions.

The black woman racked the tray of brownies, and removed the oven mitts from her hands, while the blonde went back to the cupcakes. "Spencer. Welcome, welcome. I'm Nina. It's nice to finally meet you in person." Nina put her hand out for a shake.

Nodding, Spencer looked at her new boss's hand before shaking it. "Yeah. It's nice to finally put a face to a voice." She had done an interview for this job over the phone. It was one of the few jobs that the parole agent had let her know about. She had really wanted to start working as soon as possible, and this was the only place that didn't dismiss her after finding out she had checked the criminal history box on her applications. She really had no choice. She needed the job. At least she could get decent coffee again.

"Good, good. Let me tell you what you'll be doing. I'm afraid you'll be doing a lot of the dirty work around here at first. Washing the bowls and such. Clean up duty. And there will be some heavy lifting, but by the looks of you I'm sure you can manage." Nina grinned as she took in Spencer's arms. When she wasn't working on her correspondence courses, times spent working out in prison gym kept her frustrations at bay, and her muscles defined.

"Then we can get you started on making drink orders." Spencer was watching the blonde, Eli, decorating cupcakes. Nina took that in as well. "Do you bake?"

"Not since before," Spencer trailed off. She looked at Nina, who in turn gave her a sympathetic look.

"I understand. If you like I can teach you. I find it very relaxing. And it really helped Eli."

At hearing her name, the blonde looked up from her work at her boss and new co-worker. In Eli, Spencer recognized that same hole of losing years of your life that takes up residence in part of your being. The lines on her face. The look in her eyes. And Eli knew that Spencer was the same.

"Right then. Let me give you the tour." Nina clapped her hands together.

"I could do that, Nina. I'm done with this batch." Eli nodded her head at the batch of yellow cupcakes that were iced pink, purple and blue. "And the tour shouldn't take too long."

"Alright then. Spencer, I'll leave you in Eli's more than capable hands." Nina waved them off, and brought the tray of cupcakes out to the front.

"This is the kitchen. And then here is where we keep the ingredients." Eli walked towards a set of shelves next to a large refrigerator. "You know milk, eggs, flour. All that."

Spencer kept quiet as the other woman showed her around the kitchen. There was a three-deck oven. The instructions were easy to understand, and she felt somewhat beneath her. But she had pulled kitchen duty before.

"Here's where you'll be washing the pans and bowls." The moved on to a large and deep sink basin. Eli pointed to shelves when an assortment of pans and bowls. "Rack them up here when you've dried them. Easy enough right? I'm sure you've pulled kitchen duty before."

"Yes. I have." Spencer crossed her arms. The two women were quiet, just staring each other down.

Eli smirked as she broke the silence. "You don't give too much away, do you? Well listen up. I don't care what you did to land yourself in Muncy. Yeah, I know you were in Muncy. But you do anything, drugs or drinking, anything, to hurt this bakery, you'll regret it. Nina is taking a shot on you. So don't mess up. We clear?"

"Yes." Spencer clenched her jaw. She could understand where Eli was coming from, that fierce loyalty that made you defend things you loved. But she didn't like being threatened. The last time she had been threatened, she had given in. And that was it. She given up so much to protect her friends, and this was were she had ended up. 33 years old with not much to her name, a complete stranger to herself.

"That being said, I've been where you are. You may think you can, but you can't do this alone. If you need help, don't be afraid to ask. If you don't have family or friends, Nina is great with this stuff. " Eli grabbed an apron and tossed it to her. "You can get started on those." She nodded at the sink.

Spencer put the red apron on then pulled a hair tie out of her pocket to put her hair up and got to work. This was a task that most people abhorred but she found herself doing a lot of thinking when she did the dishes. And right now her thoughts were occupied by about what Eli had said.

Things were different now. Time had marched on and left her behind. She was going to have to learn how to be around people again. She shouldn't have brushed off Eli's earlier attempts to talk to her. Just as she had been right about Muncy, Eli was right about her having no one.

Peter Hastings had paid so much money to keep suspicions off his family and their secrets in the dark, but when Spencer's confession came to light, he was done with her. As far as he was concerned, he only had one daughter. Melissa Hastings, only child, had sided with her father. She had loved Ian Thomas, and to know Spencer was involved in his murder was too much to give forgiveness. She knew she didn't even have Jason DiLaurentis, who have been thrown out of her trial for contempt of the court. He had snarled and screamed at her, when she had taken the stand. The betrayal of losing one sister through the actions of another. The court police had to drag him out of the courtroom yelling the last thing he would ever say to her. _"I trusted you!" _

Her mother was the only one to stay with her. She had visited Spencer at least once a month. The visits had been tense at the start, Veronica unable to understand why her daughter would ever align herself with Garrett Reynolds. But she had become resigned to this, and would often fight with her husband before her visits to her youngest at Muncy. For six years, during these visits mother would try to talk to daughter about life in Rosewood, with updates on how her old friends were doing since Spencer would not bring up how she was doing in prison beyond the vague, "Fine."

She remembered thinking that Veronica Hastings had picked up this information from Ashley Marin and Ella Montgomery, not their daughters at all. That her mother would run into Ashley Marin around town. They'd get to chatting.

Spencer had wanted nothing to do with Hanna Marin and Aria Montgomery, and she was sure they felt the same way. Hanna had written her off completely. A clean break. Aria had attempted to write her, but when Spencer didn't respond she must have given up and the letters and emails stopped coming.

Then there was Emily Fields. She seemed to actually keep in touch with Veronica Hastings, enough for her to chide her daughter to let Emily visit her.

"_She asks about you all the time." _

She did not tell her mother that she thought about Emily Fields all the time. Back then it was ruminations on how she was doing, who she took to prom, where she had applied to college and then where she had decided to attend. She wondered what Emily had decided to major in and if she was still swimming. She hoped Emily was happy. Safe. If A was still keeping to their part of the deal.

The other girl had tried to visit her multiple times, even though Spencer refused to see her. The other girl kept writing to her. Spencer refused to answer. Her thoughts were torture enough. To see Emily would be the end of her.

But then Veronica Hastings had gotten sick. Stage IV breast cancer. She had kept visiting until the chemotherapy made her too weak to get out of bed.

They had said goodbye and hugged longer than another other visit. Mother and daughter knew that his would be the last visit.

"_I'm so sorry, Mom." Spencer cried hot tears for the first time in years. From the moment she had confessed, and every day in Muncy, she had not cried, no matter how hard things had gotten. She had sacrificed so much and mother had ended up paying for it._

"_Spencer, I love you so much." Veronica had started crying as well. A guard had come to let them know they have five more minutes, and it made Spencer want to hold her mother longer. "You take care of yourself, okay? Please."_

"_I love you, Mom."_

The applications to see her mother in the hospital had all been turned down. She hadn't even been allowed to go attend the funeral. Her mother's death was probably being blamed on her as well, another reason for her father to hate her.

After her mother had died she received a book in the mail. When she had complained that most of the fiction books in the prison library were beneath her, Veronica Hastings had began to send her some books every once in awhile. Different authors, different genres. This last book was a copy of "_The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter_", on the inside cover the name "Emily Fields" was neatly printed by the other girl's own hand.

"_You should have this. Talk to her," _was all that was written on her mother's note.

Spencer paused in her scrubbing, and tried to rub at her eye with her sleeve. She finished on the last bowl and went about putting all the pans and bowls away.

"Spencer!" The bubbly brunette that had first greeted her was calling her name. Karolina gave her a friendly smile. "Eli asked me to check up on you. Is something wrong?"

"Just got some soap in my eye." Spencer answered with a weak smile. "Uh. What's up?"

"Oh. Eli said you could come out front. Be social. It's kinda slow right now, so you can get a cup of coffee and see what we sell here." Karolina looked excited at having another person to get to know at work.

"You already have a cup of coffee or two?" Spencer asked dryly as she washed her hands.

"You're funny. I'm perky and I know it. No apologies." Karolina grinned. "Come on."

Spencer followed the younger woman to the front of the shop. The front of the shop had a different mix of wooden chairs and tables along with comfortable looking couches and low tables. It was a very relaxing atmosphere, a place to go to study or get to know someone over coffee. There was some music playing but not loud enough to disrupt conversations or break someone's concentration.

Karolina stopped next to the espresso machine. "What are you having?"

"I'll just have a cup of the brewed."

Karolina nodded and grabbed a mug. "Go have a seat with Eli and Nina. I'll bring it over with some goodies."

Spencer nodded and found Eli and Nina chatting at a table. "Hey. There you are. It's your first day so we're going really easy on you. Let's have some time to chat before the afternoon crowd spills in. I like getting to know my employees. How's that sound?"

Nina had a warm inviting smile. Spencer looked over at Eli and found the other woman watching her, waiting for her reaction.

"That sounds great." Spencer was a little nervous at having Eli there, but schooled her face to not betray anything. Their conversation from earlier had made her uncomfortable.

"Well, why don't you start by sitting down?" Eli said. "Here take my seat. I'm going to get started on some cream puffs." She stood and left the table to go back to the kitchen.

"I hope Eli didn't say anything to scare you off earlier. She's fiercely protective of this place. And of me. You heard her. You really should sit."

"Yes. Sorry." Spencer didn't know why she was being so awkward as she sat down. She had mostly kept to herself in Muncy. She would play chess with one of the other women, but she didn't associate with the other prisoners. She engaged herself in solitary activities like reading and working out. She had been able to get her GED, and after that she had worked on various degrees through the prison. The only other activity she did that was close to being social was tutoring so she pursued teaching. She had a Master's Degree in Education, but it wasn't like a school would hire her. It had just been something to occupy her time.

"Here you go." Karolina had come to their table with a tray with two steaming cups and a slice of cake.

"Thank you, K." Nina took the cup that had tea, and Spencer retrieved the remaining cup. "You heading out soon?"

"Yeah, Boss. It was really nice meeting you, Spencer! Looking forward to working with you."

"Hey, you should bring the kid around more often. We love having her." Nina said.

"I should! I'll try to make it happen tomorrow." Karolina was practically buzzing with anticipation.

"Off with you, Little Hummingbird." Nina waved her off. The young woman saluted and spun on her heel to go into the kitchen.

"Is she always like that?" Spencer asked as she tested out the heat of her mug. Finding it to be just the right temperature, she held with the white mug with both hands. The warmth was something she missed. Like a lover's hug, she felt protected and safe.

"Yes. She is." Nina noticed that the young women across from her had brought the mug up to her lips to take a sip. But before she did, she took a deep breath and shivered. "You a big coffee drinker?"

Spencer looked sheepish. "I haven't had decent coffee in forever. When people say hospital coffee is awful, they haven't had prison coffee." When Veronica would visit Spencer, she would buy coffee from one of the vending machines.

"I'll let the doctors that come in here know." Nina plunged her tea bag up and down. She added some milk and stirred in some sugar. "There's a hospital a few blocks from here. And they like to take advantage of our delivery service, so that's another thing I'll be having you do."

"Okay." Spencer nodded. She could do that. The only doctor she knew was hopefully still practicing in Rosewood. Or not anywhere in the state of Pennsylvania. She took a sip of the coffee and let out a moan.

"You are going at that coffee like it's a beautiful woman taking you to bed." Nina teased.

Blushing, Spencer sputtered out a response. "I don't. I haven't-"

"Relax. I'm just messing with you. No judgment." Nina said.

"I don't even want to think about dating." The thin brunette set her mug down and peered into contents, searching for answers and comfort. "How do I explain where I've been for the last fifteen years? And why. Besides, who would want to be with this?" She pointed at herself.

"You'll find someone." Spencer gave her boss a weak smile. It was nice of her to believe that, but she herself wasn't going to hold her breath. "Do you keep in touch with anyone from home?"

"No." Spencer traced her finger along the handle of the mug. "My father pretty much disowned me. My brother and sister hate me. And I don't have friends. Not anymore." She had burned those bridges long ago.

"I'm sure that's not true. You should get in touch with them. It couldn't hurt right?"

"I guess." She could never get in contact with anyone back in Rosewood. It could get back to A. Nina didn't know what she was asking Spencer to do. Emily's life was better off without her in it.

"Try the cake. It'll make you feel better." At Nina's prodding, she picked up a fork and took off the tip. "It's German Dark Chocolate."

"Damn. That is really sweet." Spencer gave a small grin. Another thing she would have to get used to was food having flavor.

"One of our best sellers. You can order it by slice, a whole cake, or in cupcake form." Nina had a proud look on her face, either from praise of her work or because she finally got the young woman sitting in front of her to finally smile. "So what does Spencer Hastings like to do for fun?"

"Haven't had fun in a long time." She took another small forkful of cake. "I enjoy running and reading." Those were both forms of escape she realized. But her life wasn't anything to stay for. "But I guess I have the option to do other things now."

"That's true." Nina said softly. "If you ever want to borrow books, I have a sizable collection. What do you like to read?"

"I might take you up on the offer. I only own two books right now, and it would save me a trip to the library." Spencer sat back in her chair, and she pursed her lips. When she left prison, she left wearing the clothes they gave her and her mother's copy of _A Farewell To Arms _and Emily's copy of _The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter. _ "I like the classics. I've reread some of my favorites. Historical fiction as well. Biographies, and I guess I'll read anything if I find the subject interesting enough."

"You're in luck. We have similar tastes." Nina responded. "It'll be nice to have someone to pick their brain about Dostoyevsky or Vidal. But you know I'm sure you'd enjoy getting out. Catch a movie or go to a museum. Do you have a curfew?"

"I can't be out past 11 pm for the first four months." Spencer admitted. Her PO had sat her with down and explained all the conditions of her parole. She didn't have an alcohol restriction but she didn't want to risk it. She had to check in with her PO every other day. There would be surprise inspections. She had to maintain employment, live at the residence as approved by the Board, and she couldn't leave the state. She could recite back all she had to comply with word for word.

"Well, then we'll just have to have an early dinner sometime. There are great restaurants in this neighborhood. " Nina sipped on her tea.

"It's not really in my budget." Spencer looked down at her hands again. Most of the money she would earn would go towards rent and restitution. She clenched and unclenched her hand. She had to find clothes at a thrift store, and she was stretching out a bag of rice and cans of chickpeas. She was using a toothbrush and other toiletries that the DOC gave her when she was released. Her situation hit her in waves, and she felt so desolate. She had thought prison had destroyed her, but life on the outside was taking everything she had. And she had very little left to begin with.

"Look, you can do this." Nina reached for Spencer's hands and took them in her own. "I believe in second chances. Everyone deserves one. Let me help you."

"You don't even know me."

"No. But I know your story. My daughter went to prison young. She was on the track and field team. She was on honor roll. My husband and I gave Valarie all our support, but she got addicted to heroin." Nina paused in her story, collecting herself. "She went to prison for possession. There weren't that many support groups for her when she got out. It was so hard for her. She wouldn't let us help her. So she ended up back in when she tried to steal a laptop for money to buy more drugs. She couldn't handle a second sentence, so she took her own life. I'm a mother who lost her child. I just don't want anyone else to go through the same thing. Losing someone they love."

"I'm not your daughter." Spencer felt like choking on her words. This poor woman was only trying to help her. For a long time, she felt like she hadn't deserved anything.

"I know. And helping Eli, helping you doesn't bring her back. But I know that someone cares for you. They're out there, I'm sure of it."

"Besides, dinner's a tradition. Every time we get a new employee, we go out to dinner. Every birthday. Any reason to celebrate. Right now that's you. We're a family here. Welcome home."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: Thank you to everyone that's reading and everyone that has been reviewing and following this fic. I would especially like to thank Heypralines for encouraging me to write and post this fic. And to spinoza-off as well.  
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Disclaimer: I don't own Pretty Little Liars.

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The morning crowd was slowly filing out of Cupcake-a-Coffee, with a few stragglers sticking around to sit and enjoy their morning brew at the coffee shop. Spencer used to be a member of this morning crowd back in Rosewood, waking up early and getting coffee before class to get more studying in or plotting towards stopping A. It always seemed that there was so much to do and not enough hours in the day to finish them.

Earlier, she had woken up before her alarm went off. Her mattress was much more comfortable than the ones she was used to in Muncy and she had a hard time falling back asleep. The sounds coming in from the street were a different song from the one she had gotten used to hearing before 6 am. The crying, the screaming, and moaning. That was the chorus at night in prison. She got out of bed, and walked to the small dresser where she kept her clothes, one of the few items furnished by the landlord. Accompanying this were the bed, a small lopsided table with two chairs, and a mini fridge. Luckily, she had lucked out and got a place that had it's own shower and bathroom. No more sharing, no more having to watch her back.

Before showering, Spencer had knocked out a routine of crunches, push ups, and other body weight exercises. Stepping out of the shower stall, she had wiped steam off the mirror. She stared back at her reflection. Dull, tired brown eyes, her lips a thin straight line. She had touched her left collarbone; the word "LIAR" scripted across was a warning to everyone else and a reminder to herself. A brand inked into her skin, her Scarlet Letter.

It had been her first tattoo. Spencer had gotten it after her mother had died. It was a lie that sent her to prison. It was this lie that had ruined everything. It was the lie that eventually killed her mother. Even if she was innocent of everything she had confessed to, this was the one thing she was guilty of.

She was a liar.

Spencer had toweled her hair dry and finished getting ready for work. With one last look around the single bare room, she had grabbed her keys. There was nothing to forget.

The morning walk to the bus stop had been a bit chilly. Autumn was around the corner, and winter soon after. She would have to find a thick jacket and warmer clothes. She wondered how much that would cost.

Now, she was standing up front with Solomon observing him using the espresso machine. Karolina was taking orders and payment. They were an interesting pair. Karolina was constantly talking, and the tall, thin man was silent. He looked up at Spencer with an amused smirk and gave a nod in the tiny brunette's direction. He finished up the drink order, handed it to Spencer and started on the next one.

"Hazelnut latte for Florence." Spencer called out the order and watched as a teenage girl in a school uniform broke away from the other girls she was standing with. Florence took her drink with a small thank you and went back to her group. The next two drinks were for Florence's friends. With a pang of nostalgia and regret, Spencer watched the group of teens laugh over coffee.

"What's with you?" Karolina had apparently switched with Solomon so she could come talk to Spencer.

"Nothing. Shouldn't they be in school?" Spencer watched the girls leave the shop.

"Oh them? They must be seniors at Shaw Academy. Seniors have the privilege of leaving campus for free period or lunch. It's K through 12."

"I'm familiar with Shaw Academy." It was a well-known private school in Philadelphia and the surrounding suburbs. Going to Shaw Academy was enough to secure your future. Peter Hastings had wanted to send his daughters there. But despite his best efforts, Melissa didn't get in. He didn't even bother trying to send Spencer there once his firstborn didn't get in. It was a very hard school to get into.

"My kid goes there." Karolina stated proudly as she steamed milk.

"Wait. What?" Spencer recalled that Nina said that Karolina had a child, but her disbelief was that someone like the young woman in front of her could send her child to Shaw Academy.

"Yep. She just started kindergarten this year. She is so adorable in her uniform let me tell you." Karolina handed her a steaming mug.

"How?" At Spencer's look of disbelief, Karolina laughed.

"Oh. She's not my kid kid. I'm her nanny. Still proud of her though." Karolina beamed.

"Um. Is that my steamed milk?"

Both women turned to look at the scruffy looking white guy with wire rim glasses. "Steamed milk for Kyle. Sorry, Kyle." Karolina gave him an apologetic smile, while Spencer just looked at him blankly.

Kyle gave Karolina a shy smile in return, and didn't acknowledge Spencer.

"Seriously. You don't know how to act around people, do you?" The tiny brunette frowned, as if Spencer was an untrained puppy.

"Sorry." She looked away. This was one of the problems her parole agent had told her about. She would have to get used to being around people. She would have to learn how to re-socialize.

"That's exactly what I mean." Karolina threw her hands up. "Eye contact that isn't standoffish. Smile at the customers." She drew a smile on her face using her index fingers. "Greet them. Because your voice is so smoky and it would be nice to hear more of it. Plus you'll get better tips." Spencer gave her a weak smile. "There you go." Karolina gently punched her in the shoulder. "It's a start."

They fell silent for a moment as Karolina made another drink. "Hey, can you grab a banana nut muffin and heat it up?"

Spencer picked up a pair of tongs and slid open up the display case. It was as she grabbed one of the muffins, that she realized she hadn't eaten breakfast. Her stomach rumbled as she popped the muffin into the small toaster oven behind the counter. She carefully took out the baked good and put it on a plate. It smelt really good. She swallowed hard.

"Thanks." Karolina took the muffin and put it on a tray next to two big cups of brew. "Did you eat yet?" Once she shook her head, the younger woman sighed. "Well take this tray over to that table, and I'm sure you can grab something."

Sitting at the table were a man and a woman in scrub bottoms. She surmised they worked at the hospital Nina had brought up yesterday. She was relieved to see that the man wasn't Wren Kingston. "Here you go. One banana nut muffin. And your coffee." Spencer set the tray on the table and unloaded all the items. The man took the muffin and a coffee, while the woman took the remaining mug of coffee. She remembered what Karolina said and smiled at the pair. "If you need anything else, don't hesitate to flag me down."

"Hey, you're new here." The man greeted in a friendly tone. He had dark hair and a round face.

"Just started yesterday." Spencer nodded, trying to maintain a conversation using sentences longer than one word.

The woman looked up at her once her companion took notice of her. "Who did that to your face?" She exclaimed

Spencer's face fell. Having attention called either to her once broken nose or the scar on her lip was something that shamed her. She managed not to bring her hand up to cover up the offending areas. But she did end up clutching the tray to her chest.

The woman let out a loud ow, as she glared at her companion. "What I mean is that the doctor that set your nose did a really crap job. It physically pains me to know that there are physicians in the world that give the profession a bad name. My apologies."

"If you haven't figured it out yet Doctor Nadal here is a cosmetic surgeon." The man gestured at the woman seated across from him. "My apologies for her too. I try not to take her out in public. But she's buying me coffee and a muffin so. I'm Riyadh Chowdhurry."

Doctor Nadal stuck her tongue at him. "He's an ENT so don't mind him. So look, what's your name?"

"Spencer."

"So Spencer, if you want to get your nose done properly, come see me. We're always here." Doctor Nadal used the mug of coffee to gesture to the coffee shop.

"Yeah. Okay." Spencer found the two doctors amusing, but didn't know about Doctor Nadal's offer. What would she have to do in exchange? Nothing ever came for free. She learned that favors came with a price on the inside. "I'll let you guys finish your coffee."

"Alright. See you around." Riyadh waved.

"Oh wait." Doctor Nadal stopped her. She looked at her fellow doctor. "I promised Em I would bring her back something." To Spencer she asked, "Can I get an Americano? And a coconut cupcake to go?" She took out some money and held it out.

"Sure. I'll bring them right over when you guys are ready to head out." Spencer palmed the twenty-dollar bill.

"Thanks Spencer. Whatever's left over, go ahead and keep it."

When she got back to the counter, Karolina was all smiles. "So how did it go? You were over there for a bit."

"The good doctors were just introducing themselves, and doling out medical advice." Spencer looked back at the two doctors.

"Yeah, Riyadh and Camille. I love those two. They're here a lot with some of the other doctors." The tiny brunette clapped.

"Well, Camille wants to order an Americano and a coconut cupcake to go." Spencer handed over the brightly coloured twenty-dollar bill. She was still unused to the newer design. The paper bills had been replaced by a plastic material she assumed was meant to prevent counterfeit bills.

"Go have Solomon ring that up and get something to eat." Karolina leaned against the counter.

Solomon gave Spencer back the receipt and the change, which she slipped into the tip jar. She dropped the receipt into the bag where the cupcake would go.

"Hey, Karolina told me you didn't eat breakfast." Eli had come out of the kitchen. "Why don't you pop over to the deli down the street and bring back a sandwich platter for everybody." For the second time that morning, someone had given her money directly, trusting her completely.

"Alright. I can do that." Spencer slipped the money into her jeans. Camille was waving at her. "Right after I drop this order off?" Karolina put a cup and the bag with the logo of Cupcake-a-Coffee in her hands with a wink.

"One step ahead of you, Spence." The use of that nickname made her pause. No one had called her that in over fifteen years.

"Thanks, K." Spencer recovered quickly. The younger woman was fast becoming someone she enjoyed talking to, someone she could eventually become friends with. She tried not to think about how Karolina was a mix of Hanna and Aria, while she made her way over to the two doctors. "Here's your cupcake and coffee."

"Appreciate it, Spencer." Camille took the offered coffee and bag.

"Let me walk out with you guys. I'm getting lunch for everyone from the deli down the street." She waved them towards the door.

"Bully's?" Riyadh held the door open for them. "That place is awesome. They have this buffalo chicken sandwich. And this other sandwich that's like Thanksgiving, you know turkey and cranberry sauce. They also make their own onion rings."

"Calm your inner fat kid down." Camille laughed. The three of them walked towards the deli. "So Spencer, you recently move to Philadelphia?"

"Yes." Spencer answered. She then realized that Camille and Riyadh were expecting her to expound. She didn't want to outright lie, so she went as close to the truth as she possibly could. "I was looking for a change of scenery. A new start."

"That's real deep." Riyadh grinned as they reached Bully's. "Um. You should grab a drink with us sometime."

"Oh." Spencer didn't know what to do with the invitation. Was Riyadh flirting with her? She had thought he and Camille were together. He had said "us". They were just being friendly, right?

"What Riyadh means is that a couple of us from the hospital get together at The Library sometime." She would love to go out, but she had a curfew and she didn't trust herself around alcohol at the moment. "Standing invite. Feel free to come whenever. Well, we better book it. Our friend hates it when we bring her back cold ass coffee. Bye, Spencer. It was nice meeting you."

"Likewise." Spencer nodded.

"We'll be seeing you." Riyadh gave a little salute. He then took the paper bag from Camille and took her free hand in his. Spencer watched them walk off.

After a very satisfying lunch from Bully's, Spencer went back to dish washing. Finishing up with that, she took out the trash and went up front.

"Spencer! Just wanted to say goodbye." Karolina was ready to go to her second job. The bubbly brunette had been there since before the shop opened up at 7 am. Of course, Nina and Eli were there earlier than all of them. Soon Travis and Frida would be coming in for the afternoon shift. They were nice enough, but she worked easier with Karolina and Solomon. She probably needed to give them more time. It was only her second day after all. "Talk to you later."

"Bye. Until tomorrow." Spencer went back to wiping down a table and clearing it off. She greeted Travis and Frida when they came in and said goodbye to Solomon when he left to get to class. After Nina and Eli, she was the next oldest. For the other employees, this job was something to do to earn money for school or until something better came along or they sold their manuscript and got published or their band got picked up by a label. Unlikely as that was, they all had some kind of future. They could do anything. This was it for her.

"Ayo, Spencer. Nina wants you in the kitchen." Travis called her from across the shop. He was the one in the band. She rolled her eyes at his crass way of dealing with things.

Spencer walked into the kitchen and found Nina. "Travis yelled that you wanted to see me?"

"Yeah. It's time for your first lesson in baking. We're going to bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies." Her boss smiled. "Grab a bag of flour. I've already got out the eggs and milk."

The thin brunette went to the dry goods pantry and tensed her arm muscles to pick up the flour. She returned to the baking table and set the flour down. "Let's start then." Nina went about explaining all the steps and Spencer did exactly as instructed. Soon the cookies were in the oven.

Eli who had been working on a batch of red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese icing smiled at the scene in front of her. "Nina, you should take a picture of this moment right here. So you could show Spencer the enormous smile she has on her face. Under all that flour."

Without a word, Nina used her phone to take a picture. She let out a deep laugh. "You look good."

She blushed at the compliment. "I've never made cookies from scratch." She felt a bit of pride at what she had done. Even if it was something like making a batch of cookies.

Nina showed her phone to Eli. "Oh that is so going on the wall."

"The wall?" Her eyes went wide.

"Yeah. You didn't notice that one part of the shop that has a bunch of pictures on it." Eli raised her eyebrow.

"No?"

"Well, it's there. " Spencer would have to check it out later. "And you should clean up before you go back out front."

Nina showed her the photo she had snapped. "You really do look good."

It was true. She was smiling so brightly, a smile that actually reached her eyes. She had a bit of flour on her cheek. She looked happy. "Okay. That can go up on the wall. I'm going to get cleaned up." The thin brunette washed her hands and face, and dried off. She was heading out the door, when Nina called out to her.

"Don't forget to come back and try your hard work."

Spencer just gave a slight nod, and left the kitchen and saw that a table needed to be cleared. The first time she had bused a table yesterday, she felt as if everyone was watching her and passing judgment. She had to remind herself that no one knew her. No one knew that she was supposed to be valedictorian of her class. No one knew that she was supposed to get into any Ivy League she applied to. No one knew that she was meant to go to U Penn. No one knew that she was meant for so much more than a job, earning minimum wage. Somehow her shaking hands hadn't dropped the dishes and mugs to shatter on the ground like her self-esteem.

The sixth table, she was able to convince herself that no one cared.

But that moment in the kitchen had made her feel better. And she was getting along with her co-workers. The two professionals she had met today hadn't looked down on her, and had invited her to go out for drinks.

"Hi!" There was a small girl, smiling up at her. Spencer looked around. The girl looked to be by herself. She had big brown beautiful eyes and was wearing a green knit cap that looked like a frog that was at odds with the school uniform she was wearing.

"Uh, hi. Who do you belong to?" Spencer set the tray down on the table, focusing her attention on the child.

"Oh. My mommy. And also my mama." The little girl's answer had surprised her. There was nothing wrong with same sex couples. It's just that she had never met the child of one. It made her think of Emily. She wondered if she had gotten married and settled down, started a family. She couldn't think about Emily now.

"Are either of them here? I'm sure that wouldn't want you talking to strangers." Spencer pursed her lips. She really didn't know what to do with children this young. She never babysat when she was a teen. Hell, she was awkward around adults, how much more around children. And more to the point, she didn't want to get yelled at by parents that took one look at her, read her as an ex-offender and accused her of doing something terrible to their child.

"Well," The girl drew the word out, deep in thought. "My name is Teddy. What's yours?"

"Spencer." She smirked, knowing where the girl was going with this.

"See, now we're not strangers." Teddy beamed up at her. "You know my name. And I knows yours."

She chuckled. The kid was good. She must have been quite the handful for her mothers. Spencer had been the same way when she was younger, finding a way around the rules, driving her mother crazy. She smiled sadly at being reminded of her mother.

"I like your drawings." Teddy's voice brought her out of her thoughts. She was pointing at her bare arm.

"My tattoos?" On her arm Spencer had a sparrow, and four small nautical stars. After that first tattoo, she had liked the feel of the needle on her skin. The small buzz was addicting and she had gotten a few more. There were a couple more under her shirt.

Teddy nodded her head enthusiastically. "Yeah. They're pretty."

"Don't let your moms hear you say that. They'll worry that you might want to get one." Spencer smiled at her. Such an innocent thing to say.

"Why? Is it bad to get one?" Teddy looked confused.

"No. They're an acquired taste." Spencer thought about the right way to explain tattoos to a young child. "They last forever so you have to be sure that you really want one."

"What's a cry red taste mean?" Teddy asked.

"It means that some people like them and get tattoos. But some people don't like them." Teddy was curious. It was nice to see that in a child, someone that wanted to learn more about the world. Somehow Spencer found herself missing teaching.

Teddy nodded her understanding. But soon was asking another question excitedly, taking in the apron she was wearing. "You work here? Then you know Karolina! She's my nanny."

"Yes. I do. I just started working here, so I don't know her that well. Did Karolina bring you here?" She really enjoyed talking to the small girl, who gave a sharp "yes" to answer her question. Teddy wasn't alone technically, but she wondered where Karolina was. "Do you like having her as your nanny?"

"Yeah. She's fun. And she works here too, so sometimes I get free stuff. Everyone here is really nice too. So that's how I know you're nice." Teddy was bouncing on the balls of her feet.

"Well it's good that Karolina brings you here, because I like talking to you. It would be really great if I got to talk to you again." Spencer wondered where Karolina had gotten off to. "But I wonder where she is."

"She had to go to the bathroom." Teddy stage whispered. "I'm big enough to be by myself if I don't leave the store. 'Sides you're here."

"There you are, Teddy. Karolina told me you were here." Nina had come up to the two of them followed by the aforementioned nanny. "I see you met Spencer."

"Yeah! I like her. She's really nice. And she's pretty." Teddy told the older woman, making Spencer blush. She hadn't felt attractive in a long time. It was nice to know that someone out there didn't think she was a complete mess.

"Not only that. But she makes yummy cookies." Nina put her hands on her hips. "Maybe she'll share one with you, if you ask nicely."

"Spencer? May I please have one of your cookies?" Teddy asked sweetly.

She leaned in closer to her boss and quietly asked, "Are the cookies okay? I don't want her getting sick."

"They're fine." Nina assured her.

"Sure, you can have one of my cookies." Spencer said to the little girl.

"But just one okay." Karolina finally spoke up. "And what's a cookie without milk?"

"Right. Milk." Spencer looked at the young woman oddly. She was trying to get her attention. Was there something she wanted to say but not in front of Teddy? "We'll get you that cookie and a glass of milk."

When they came into the kitchen Eli looked up at the two of them but went back to baking. Karolina pulled her to stand in front of the dry goods. She then turned to her. "Spencer, I know."

"You know what exactly?" Spencer narrowed her eyes at the tiny brunette, but on the inside she was panicking. She had to be talking about her criminal past. There was nothing else that it could be. Was Karolina going to refuse to work with her, demand she stop working here?

"I know you were in prison." Karolina answered. For the first time, her face was serious.

Spencer paled. She had just started feeling good about this job. She had just finally begun to believe she could do more than exist. All the things her father had said, all the negative things everyone had said to her came rushing back. That she deserved everything that happened to her. That she wasn't worth anything.

"I- I."

"Spencer, breathe. I don't care about that. Nina told us before you started working here. And she said that if no one wanted to work with you, then we were free to quit. No one walked out. And we're okay working with Eli." Karolina put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I just wanted to say that if you ever need anyone to talk to, you can be completely honest with me. Sorry that I scared you."

She tried to slow her breathing. "Everyone knows?"

Karolina started rubbing her back. "Yeah. Well, I mean just the employees. We're not going to announce it to the customers."

"What about Teddy's parents?" Spencer didn't know why she was afraid of losing a girl she had just met. Maybe it was just not being trusted around children that was causing her distress. Or just this one girl with trusting brown eyes and a friendly smile that she couldn't shake.

"Her moms know about me. They don't mind." Eli had joined in there conversation. "I'm sure they won't mind you being around her once they find out. They're good people and involved in a lot of groups that support ex-offenders. I think Nina told you that she believed in giving people second chances."

Spencer nodded. "Well, we all do. I mean Nina is a good judge of character. And from what I've seen so far, you're really trying to turn your life around."

"Do you even know? What I've done?" Spencer had tears in her eyes, and her voice was strained.

"It doesn't matter." Karolina said with such finality that she believed her.

"Thank you." Spencer said weakly.

"For what?" Karolina glanced at Eli worriedly.

"For trusting me." Spencer wiped at her eyes, and gave them a weak smile.

"So, right now there's a little girl who is probably wondering where her special treat and her new friend is." The girl's nanny put her arm around her. "Come on. Let's not keep her waiting."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** Here we get a shift in POV. I hope you enjoy. Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing. As well as following and for favoriting. Those notices in my inbox make my day.

Disclaimer: I don't own Pretty Little Liars.

* * *

Emily Fields wanted nothing more than to go home, take a nice warm bath and cuddle on the couch with her daughter to watch a simple movie. Taking care of other people's children could be hard, a reminder of everything that could go wrong in the world. But getting a smile from the kids and tired but appreciative thank-yous from the parents made it worth it.

She was changing out of her scrubs in the locker room. Some of the other surgeons were talking about their plans to go to The Library for drinks. Camille and Riyadh had been trying to get her to go for the last two weeks. But she had turned them down gently each time. They had already finished their specializations and they didn't have a kid at home.

"Em! After that appendectomy, you deserve a drink." Camille exclaimed loudly. She was just standing in her scrub bottoms and bra.

"It was just a routine surgery." Emily pulled on her jeans, and finished getting dressed.

"Let her get home to her baby, Cam." Riyadh was already dressed in his street clothes. "And hurry up and get dressed. People are waiting on us."

"You weren't in such a rush to get my clothes back on last night." Camille smirked as she pulled on a shirt.

Emily loved her two friends dearly. They had all been residents in the general surgery program at St. Luke's, but had gone into different specialties. Camille had chosen to go into plastics, and Riyadh into ENT. She had chosen peds.

At first she had thought about becoming an ortho surgeon, as most former athletes that went into medicine ended up doing so. Bones were easy to understand. Gross anatomy had been one of her best subjects, especially when it came to naming all the muscles and bones in the appendages. The musculoskeletal system really was a thing of beauty. The way it could bend and move, how one set of muscles would extend or flex, abduct or adduct. But in the end she had become a pediatric surgeon. She loved being around children. And she could always sub specialize in pediatric orthopedic surgery later on

"So you going to walk us to The Library? Make sure we get there safely?" Camille grinned.

"Yes, children." Emily looked at them both brightly. "But I'm not going inside." She furrowed her brow at them in a joking manner.

Camille and Riyadh held hands as the three of them walked to The Library. The couple didn't make her feel like a third wheel when they all spent time together. She had been so happy when the two stopped finally dancing around each other and started dating. They had been together for three years.

The trio of doctors had reached the neighborhood bar, loud music drifting through the door. "Okay, girl. This is our stop. You totally owe us an appearance next time. People keep turning us down. It totally bruises our ego. Truly tragic." Camille wiped a pretend tear away from her eye. "At least Eli and them are coming tonight. Travis's band is playing. Don't forget to send Karolina our way once you release her from her duties."

"Bring Paige next time. We'd love to see her." Riyadh said as he dragged his girlfriend towards the bar. "Take care, Em!"

"I will. If I can tear her away from work." Emily waved them off. "Stay safe, you two!"

"Bye, Em!" Camille shouted as she jumped on Riyadh's back and then went into the bar. "Enjoy your day off tomorrow. Say hi to the kid for me."

Emily walked down the street two blocks and turned onto the street her apartment building was on. She liked that the building was in a good location. It was close enough to the hospital and not that far away from her daughter's school. It was a friendly neighborhood, and some of the shops and restaurants knew her by name.

But her favorite shop had to be Cupcake-a-Coffee.

It had great coffee and cupcakes. It was the go to place for memorable conversations in such a cozy atmosphere. She and Paige spent many a night there, just the two of them, or with a group of friends. Sometimes Paige would bring her back coffee on the late nights she would review for her boards. The other woman loved their coconut cupcakes. The owner was an amazing woman that treated everyone like family. Nina had made Paige and Emily's wedding cake. Her daughter was spoiled by everyone at that bakery. After moving away from Rosewood, Philadelphia felt like home.

There were times when she felt like something was missing. No, she knew some things were missing. She saw Hanna every week. She and Caleb also lived in Philadelphia. Caleb's company was based here. She hadn't seen Aria in three years, after her friend moved to Prague for her job. But the two of them talked on the phone almost every other day. So she knew in her heart that she wasn't missing either of them.

It was Spencer. She missed Spencer. The other girl was always on her mind. She had to correct herself. Spencer was older than that seventeen year old who confessed to helping Garrett Reynolds kill their friend and Maya.

Fifteen years. Emily hadn't seen Spencer in fifteen years, seven months, and two weeks. She tried. She had tried so hard to see her friend at Muncy. But she was refused each time she had gone. She did not stop going to Muncy, even if it meant a repeat of the last time she had seen Spencer Hastings. The girl had been giving every detail of Maya's last moments on Earth up on the witness stand, a cold sneer on her face, staring right at her.

She found herself standing in front of her door to her apartment, her feet bringing her home on autopilot while she had been lost during her musings. Taking her keys out, she unlocked the front door and went inside. She dropped her keys on a small table by the door and set her messenger bag down on the floor next to it.

"Mommy!" Emily caught her daughter in her arms, after the small girl launched herself at her in excitement. "You're finally home!"

"Sorry, I took so long." Her daughter wiggled in her arms. "Where are K and your mama?"

"The kitchen." The girl snuggled in closer, and the two of them walked into the kitchen.

"Hey, you." Paige greeted her brightly, dressed in her work clothes and an apron. She hugged her family then went back to the oven. "Dinner is almost done." She looked at her daughter's nanny. "You sure you don't want to join us?

"I'd love to stay. But I gotta get to The Library." Karolina grabbed her bag, and slung it on her shoulder. "A whole lot of studying to do. Bye, Teddy Bear."

Emily set her daughter down so the little girl could give the younger woman a hug goodbye. "Bye bye, Lina Bean. Have fun reading!"

"And you have fun with your mom tomorrow. Come visit me at the bakery." Karolina patted her back. "Bye, guys."

Emily walked Karolina to the door, and came back to the kitchen swiftly. "So Teddy, want to help Mommy set the table?"

"Not home even an hour home, and you're already poaching my assistant?" Paige laughed as she poured the pot of noodles into a strainer, a slew of steam rising hotly.

"She did a really good job of making sure you didn't burn the place down. So she gets a promotion." Emily opened a cabinet up and took some plates out.

"I'm a great cook. I had to buy you another rice cooker after the last one melted." She grinned teasingly, as she stepped behind Emily and snaked her arm around her to grab a large bowl. "I didn't think that was possible, but you proved me wrong." Paige transferred the noodles to the bowl. "Face the facts, if you didn't have me, you and my child would starve."

"That's not true." Emily pouted. She glanced at Teddy who was giggling at her mothers. "There's always take out."

"You can name all the arteries supplying the pancreas, but you can't boil water." Paige laughed. "Teddy, go ahead and help your mother. She would be lost without us."

Emily handed the little girl forks and spoons she had just taken out of a drawer. She followed her daughter to the dining table with a stack of plates. Teddy was at that age where she could help with tasks like food preparation and setting the table. She wondered if other pediatricians ticked off a mental checklist of developmental milestones as soon as their child achieved them. Teddy was right on track, a healthy five year old.

One of her classmates at Temple had bemoaned having a pediatrician for a mother. He could never stay home sick or he'd be threatened with shots.

"Are you having fun at school?" Emily asked as she set the plates on the table. Teddy usually had a stream of sentences flowing from her mouth the moment she could share time with her either of her mothers. "You haven't been drawing on your arm or on your classmates lately, right?"

Two weeks ago, Karolina had given her a note from Teddy's school with a warning about how drawing was a very creative outlet for a child but skin and markers weren't an ideal medium. Karolina had explained that Teddy had seen the new employee at Cupcake-a-Coffee's tattoos. Paige had joked that tattoo artist was a viable future career for their daughter. Emily hadn't been mad, just frustrated. A few angry parents had called them to complain about how red their kid's skin was after washing off the "tattoo" Teddy had given them. Her daughter had promised not to do it again, but Emily had to be sure.

The new employee had felt bad about what had happened, Emily had learned through Karolina. The woman had brought Teddy a sketchbook that she could fill up with drawings. Emily really appreciated the gesture but had felt guilty that a woman fresh out of prison was using what little money she had to buy a peace offering.

She had meant to drop by the shop in person to thank the woman personally, but her schedule had been full of surgeries, and she never got around to it. She had Karolina give her regards.

When Karolina had broached the subject of another ex-offender working at the shop where her daughter often went, she and Paige hadn't complained. They trusted Nina's judgment. So much so that she hadn't asked what the woman had been in prison for or even what her name was.

Some would think it naïve of them to trust their child to around someone with a criminal past. But not everyone that went to prison hurt a child. Some people had just put themselves into a bad situation. If someone was truly repentant of what they had done, they deserved a second chance.

Emily was willing to forgive.

"No. Just drawing in my book." Teddy grinned as she stretched up to put a final fork up on the table.

"That's good. Maybe you can draw your friend a picture of her tattoos and you can give it to her as a nice surprise." Emily smiled gently. She loved seeing her daughter so happy. She had hoped that her daughter would be athletic like either of her mothers, but no pressure was being placed on her to become a swimmer. Whatever Teddy chose to do, Paige and Emily decided to let her try it out. Even if that meant the eventually purchase of a drum kit or paying for archery lessons.

Teddy gave a squeal of excitement. "She'll love that!" She turned and was about to run off, presumably to wherever her sketchpad was, until Paige came in carrying a bowl of penne in tomato sauce.

"Whoa, whoa. Park it at the dinner table, kiddo." Paige chided her daughter, who slunked towards her chair, looking so forlorn. "What's she so sad about?"

"She wants to draw a picture for her friend. But that can wait until after you finish your dinner, right?" Emily looked at her daughter. She nodded silently.

"There's a salad and some garlic bread in the kitchen." Paige set the pasta on the table. "And drinks. What do you guys want to drink?"

"Paige, let me help you." Emily looked on, concerned.

"I managed to get the pasta to the table safely. You can trust me with the salad." Paige's tone was joking, but her face looked annoyed.

Emily sighed. "Teddy, can you help your mama with the garlic bread?"

Teddy jumped out of her seat, glad at being giving a task by her mother. She skipped into the kitchen ahead of her other mother. Paige frowned at Emily before following her daughter.

Emily closed her eyes and massaged her temple. She knew Paige wasn't made of glass. That she had recovered beautifully, and could do things like everyone else. But the tan skinned woman couldn't help but worry about her.

Teddy came back holding the bowl of salad, hugging it to her chest as if it were precious cargo. Paige came out of the kitchen carrying a tray, with the plate of garlic bread, three tumblers, and a pitcher of water, as if she had taken Emily's offer of help as a challenge. But Emily noted how with the exception of the food, everything on the tray was made of plastic, as if Paige didn't fully trust herself to balance it all.

After everyone was settled at the table, Emily complimented the meal in front of her. Paige accepted it with a smile. They fell into a relaxed conversation talking about work and other little things.

"Mama, are you going to hang out with me and Mommy tomorrow?"

Paige looked at Emily before answering. "Maybe not the whole day, Tedgy. I have work. But I know that afterwards, I'm free to see you. Is that okay with you?" She looked her daughter's other mother in the eyes even though the question was directed towards their daughter.

"Yes! Maybe we can go to the river again?" Teddy loved going to watch the boats on Schuylkill River, just as much as Paige loved taking out a single scull out on the water to be alone.

"We don't have a strict schedule tomorrow, so I'll let you know the plan?" Emily nodded at Paige's question. She didn't want to come off as punishing Paige for choosing work over her daughter. That was never the case at all. Paige always made time for Teddy.

Paige was a partner at Jawetz, Katzung & Haines and gaining attention in the firm. She won almost all of the cases assigned to her. Jawetz, Katzung & Haines had a strict up or out policy and Paige was only going up. She was a fighter. Nothing proved that more than when she had returned to work after her attack. But Paige knew the importance of time, and how little of it a person had.

This was why she was having dinner with Emily and Teddy tonight.

"Yeah that works." Paige smiled at Emily. "So until I show up, try to have fun with your mom. Ok, Tedgy?"

"Paige! You're lucky you're too far away from me to smack for that comment. I am an excellent haver of fun. With me, there is fun. To be had." Emily raised her eyebrow and pointed at herself.

Teddy just giggled at the two of them. Paige grinned at her. "Your idea of fun is vastly different from mine."

"Your idea of fun is going on historical walking tours. And possibly Civil War re-enactments. And watching rocking chairs get built by hand." Emily teased.

"That is an example of craftsmanship!" Paige crossed her arms. "Someone is not getting their rocking chair."

"Mama, you're so silly." Teddy looked at Paige with adoration. Their daughter didn't play favorites, but Paige understood her more. Maybe it was because Paige had understood Emily so well. Teddy had come from her egg, yet it had been Paige that had carried her for nine months. Everyone always commented on how Teddy had Emily's brown eyes and a similar facial structure, but the little girl didn't share her caramel skin or her black hair, though it was just as thick and luscious. But Teddy's smile reminded her of Paige's, how it came from a place deep down inside, where there was pure happiness and joy.

Emily sipped her water. Yet her chest burned when she realized that their daughter had an intensity and determination about her, that reminded her of another little girl she had met on a playground in Rosewood so many years ago. If Teddy was presented with a challenge, she would take it head on. Luckily there were no broken bones, just scrapes and cuts. And Teddy had a curiosity that surprised both of them. Aside from Harry Potter, her favorite bedtime stories were mythology, but her favorite story was actually from Plato's _Symposium_, an odd choice for a five year old to be sure.

Teddy had asked why she had two mommies and some people only had one. Paige had started with an explanation that sometimes a princess waited for a prince, but sometimes a princess fell in love with a princess or a prince fell in love with a prince. Or a princess could love a prince or a princess. Or that sometimes a princess was really a prince or a prince was really a princess. Paige had been very adorable when she made up that story, and Emily had loved her for that.

The little girl had nodded her understanding, but Teddy had wanted to hear more about the subject and refused to fall asleep until she got answers. Emily had remembered the Aristophanes speech Spencer had told her after she had first come out in high school. And Emily had retold it then.

"_You know how you like Theseus and Thor and all those guys so much?" _

"_Yesh." The little girl replied through an excited smile._

"_Well, there's a story like that that explains." Emily collected her thoughts and hoped she remembered Spencer's words correctly. Paige nodded at her encouragingly from where she was sitting on the other side of their daughter. Teddy had snuggled in closer to her mother, hugging her stuffed owl Heddy close to her chest. _

"_Once upon a time, humans were creatures that had four legs, four arms, and two mouths. Some of them, were boy and boy. They were Children of the Sun. And some of them were girl and girl. They were Children of The Earth. Then there were the ones that were boy and girl, Children of the Moon. When they wanted to get around they, would kind of cartwheel all around the place, and they didn't even get dizzy." Teddy giggled at that images Emily was creating with her words._

"_They were a very powerful and strong people. They thought about challenging the Gods on Mount Olympus. And when Zeus saw this, he punished them by splitting them in half, making them lost and weaker. So now, people run around looking for their other half. The people lucky enough to find their other half, they come together and never want to be apart ever again." _

"Mommy? I'm done eating. Can I go make my drawing now?" Teddy asked. The little girl had set her fork down.

"Hmm?" Emily glanced up from the table surface, her brows furrowed in confusion. Teddy was looking up at her expectantly. Her daughter had finished most of the small portion of pasta Emily had set out for her, to prevent her mother from finishing the leftovers and contributing to an already softer middle and wider hips.

"Sure you can, Tedge." Paige answered for her. "You go ahead. I'll get your plate for you."

The little girl ran off to her sketchbook once again. It was the two of them at the table now. She and Paige were silent. Emily was avoiding looking at Paige, avoiding her gaze.

"Hey where did you go just then?" Paige was now the one with a look of concern on her face. She reached for Emily's hand with her good hand, her left remaining hidden under the table. Paige was so good to her, and it was unfair of Emily to drift apart like that.

"Just thinking about bedtime stories." Emily sighed. She couldn't shake knowing that something was missing. Someone. Her other half.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys. Thank you so much for the feedback. I really enjoy them. I also love the PMs I exchange with some of you. School is about to get really crazy so I wanted to get this out to you guys before that. Let me know what you think, good or bad so I can make this story amazing.**

**Edit: I just changed Grammy to Lola. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own PLL**

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The other side of the bed was empty. Emily rolled onto her side, and clutched the blankets. She woke up alone a lot, but would never get used to it. Sighing, she listened to the quiet house. Even when she was allowed to sleep in, her body clock would wake her up, so used to getting up in the mornings to get ready for scheduled surgeries.

Paige was probably already at work. She was working a huge new case that Emily didn't really know the details of. It lead to long hours at the firm, and days where they wouldn't see each other. So last night's dinner was a nice change to the routine.

After dinner last night, Emily had washed the dishes while Paige had dried. The taller woman had tried to get Paige to leave the chore up to her, but Paige had insisted. They chatted idly. Afterwards, Emily took her relaxing bath while Paige spent time with Teddy, getting her ready for bed. The three of them then had settled in to watch a movie, and Teddy had fallen asleep halfway through. And before Emily could argue, Paige had picked up Teddy and carried her to bed.

"Mommy?" Teddy was standing in the doorway, rubbing sleep out of her eye with one hand, and holding Heddy in the other.

"Hey Baby. Come here. I need someone to snuggle with." Emily patted the bed. With a smile, Teddy jumped into the bed. She wrapped her tiny arms around her mother. Emily kissed the top of her head. "Are you excited for today?"

"Yeah." Teddy was uncharacteristically quiet. Usually the little girl was more talkative, never a moment of silence with her unless she was asleep. Her Aunt Hanna took credit for this trait.

"You don't sound excited." Emily said softly, hoping her daughter would confess what was bothering her. "What's wrong?"

"I wish Mama got to spend the day with us too." Teddy admitted after some more silence.

"Well, she promised she would try to see us later. And your Mama always keeps her promises." It was Emily that broke promises.

On most weekends, Emily had surgeries scheduled. It was Paige that spent time with Teddy on Saturdays and Sunday. But once again, the new case the lawyer was working on was keeping her from her daughter. And it felt like Paige was giving her space lately.

"How about we make us some funny shape pancakes for breakfast?" It was something that Paige would make for their daughter. They would have fun saying what the shapes looked like the most. Emily could do the same, although it was unintentional when she did it.

That seemed to cheer the little girl up. And to get her talking again. She started talking about her friends in kindergarten, and how her friend Shelby could speak Korean and she that was learning some words. "It must be so cool. A whole 'nother language."

Emily lamented not being fluent in Filipino and forgetting all of her high school French. She pulled out the ingredients she needed; flour, eggs, milk, butter. And a bowl and a hand mixer, which Teddy loved to use to mix the batter and to make a mess. They got started after she helped her daughter tie her tiny apron, and Teddy got on her steps to be level with the table.

When the batter was ready and the countertop in need of a cleaning, Emily poured some of it onto a griddle. The stovetop was electric, and had a touch screen panel. Paige had bought the stovetop oven since it was one of the best out there, and she enjoyed cooking. Ovens like this one were pretty standard. Even her mother owned one, and put it to good use.

Teddy was singing a little song as she helped ladle another portion of the batter on the griddle. It was a song Paige had made up, a song to sing when two of them made pancakes for breakfast. "Pancakes are a treat. Fun to make and eat. Pancakes can't be beat. They taste yummy sweet. Pancakes."

No one would have guessed that Paige would be the fun parent. But Emily knew.

When they decided to have a child, Paige had been so excited. They went to a fertility specialist and everything. But after a miscarriage, Emily was diagnosed with uterine scarring, and couldn't carry their baby. Paige held her tightly that night, and had told her that she'd carry her child, their child. And finally after everything, Teddy was born.

The lawyer had read all the parenting books, and would not stop grinning when she held their daughter for the first time. Emily imagined Paige didn't want to be anything like Nick McCullers. She was doing a great job of it.

It left Emily to be the "strict" parent. She had to make sure Teddy got enough sleep, that she had all her homework done, that she wasn't eating too many sweets. Paige did those things as well, but Teddy had her wrapped around her finger, so she gave in from time to time. Paige blamed it on Teddy having her mother's eyes. She could never say no to those eyes.

Emily helped Teddy to sit down at the kitchen island then she went about making them both plates. She set one plate in front of her daughter and her own plate opposite her. She made her way over to the stainless steel fridge to grab the syrup. "Do you want orange juice?"

"Yeah! I love orange juice. It's one of my favorite colors." Teddy exclaimed excitedly. "Can you make me an orange scarf?"

Emily smiled at Teddy jumping from one topic to another, whatever came to mind. She set the carton of orange juice and bottle of syrup on the kitchen island. She grabbed a plastic tumbler to join the carton of juice on the kitchen island. She poured some juice out. "This, I can do." She then went about making herself a cup of coffee.

One of the things that she and her own mother had done was learn to knit. Pam had thought it was be a nice thing distraction from the events of her senior year, and it was something mother and daughter could bond over. Emily hadn't mastered cooking and baking beyond the basics. But she was really good at knitting. She had made a maroon sweater vest for Paige. She had made different items of clothing for Teddy even before she was born. She still knitted but not as much. The last thing she had made was a frog hat for Teddy. The hat and scarf were going to clash so badly.

Teddy took a gulp of her orange juice then peered at the pancake on top of her stack. "What do you think this pancake looks like?"

Emily made a big show of squinting at the pancake. "I think it looks like a fish."

"It looks a little like a fish. But I think it's bigger. Like a shark." Teddy made a face a matter of fact face. "But sharks are a type of fish so I guess you're right too, Mommy."

"Sharks are fish? Where'd you learn that?" Emily knew this fact, but had learned it in middle school science. She was curious as to where her five year old picked it up.

"Shark Week." Teddy used her fork to cut into her pancake, and began eating. "Pop Pop said you and Mama were Sharks in high school. That's silly because you're mommies."

"That was our team mascot. Your mama and I were on the swim team." Emily laughed.

"Is that why I have swim lessons instead of soccer?" Teddy asked.

"Well, if you want to do soccer, there's no problem with that." Emily swirled a piece of pancake in a bit of maple syrup. She made a note to look into a league. "What do you want to do today? We can go to a museum. Since you're starting to like art so much, we can go to the art museum."

She hadn't been to the Philadelphia Museum of Art in forever. Not since high school. Not since Spencer.

_The four of them had decided to go into Philadelphia one weekend, on the rare occasion where A wasn't torturing them. They were line at Sabrina's, because the French toast was well worth the wait. Even Hanna wasn't complaining, but to pass the time she and Aria were talking about some of the places they were hoping to go shopping at. _

"_So Spencer, what do you want to do?" Emily asked. She was glad to get the other girl away from Rosewood. They all deserved the chance to just be normal teenage girls and just breathe. _

"_Well, The Philadelphia Museum of Art has an exhibit I want to see." Spencer smiled. _

"_Ew. Why do you want to go to a museum? It's the weekend." Hanna cut into their conversation. Aria shared a look with Emily. The two of them knew that the more extroverted members of their group were about to butt heads._

"_Some of us like to reward our eyes with things more substantial and timeless than Alex Pettyfer." Spencer smirked._

"_Even if Beastly was awful, he was still gorgeous in that." Hanna fumed. The line moved a bit, so they followed suit._

"_What exhibit did you want to see?" Aria asked, partly as a distraction and partly out of curiosity. Spencer was the other one in their group that had an interest in art. Emily was grateful to the tiny brunette._

"_Paris Through The Window: Marc Chagall and His Circle. How often do you get the opportunity to see such an influential artists work so close to home?" Spencer beamed at the group. The line moved, and the girls followed suit._

"_So let's go." Emily smiled. _

They had gone to the exhibit. Since Spencer was a member of the museum, she had got in for free, and since it was her idea, offered to pay for each of them. They had all enjoyed the paintings, even Hanna to her surprise. _"He was really good, even if people don't look like that."_

They had a nice picture from that day. They had taken a picture on the steps of the museum. Spencer had sprinted up them, and once she reached the top she jumped up and down, and shadowboxed. Aria and Hanna had looked at her like she had lost her mind. But Emily had laughed. She never would have guessed that Spencer Hastings had watched any movie starring Sylvester Stallone.

"Mommy, the phone is ringing!" Teddy was calling her mother's attention.

Emily left the kitchen island, and answered the phone. "Hello?"

"_Hello Emmy." _

"Hi Mom." Emily smiled. She appreciated her mother's phone calls. Pam Fields always checked in every week. "How are you?"

"_I'm fine. Just wanted to hear your voice. Maybe talk to my grandbaby too_." Her mother's voice came through the speaker.

"Yeah. Sure. We're just having breakfast and then we're going to spend the day together." Emily looked over at her daughter, eating her pancakes happily.

"_Is Paige going too?"_ Pam really loved having Paige as a daughter-in-law. The two women got along surprisingly well, even though Paige had been nervous at first.

"No. She went into work today."

"_I really hope things are better between you two." _

Emily sighed. She didn't want to have this conversation in front of Teddy. "Things are better. Here, let me put Teddy on." She walked back to the kitchen island.

"_Emmy."_ Pam's tone was warning. She knew her bother meant well, and just wanted her daughter happy. Things between her and Paige weren't ideal. But it was working.

"Teddy, your grandma wants to talk to you." Emily handed over the cordless to the little girl and went back to finishing her breakfast.

"Hi Lola!" Teddy said into the phone excitedly. Emily listened to her daughter's side of the conversation. "Uh huh… Pancakes… Yeah. Mommy said we could go to the museum to see the art… Mommy said that her and Mama were Sharks on the swim team… Maybe. Mommy said I could try soccer… Um. I made a new friend. She's nice. Pretty, too… Mama said she was going to see us later… Okay. I love you." The little girl made a kissing noise into the receiver. "Lola wants to talk to you."

"Mom?" She asked after taking the phone back from her daughter.

"_When can you guys come down to Rosewood? Your father and I want you over for dinner." _Pam sounded sad. Emily felt bad about not taking her daughter to see her grandparents as often as they would like.

"We'll try okay?" Emily ran her hand through her hair.

"_I'll let you two get started on your day. I love you_. _Stay safe._" Pam waited for her daughter's response.

"Bye Mom. I love you too." Emily waited for her mother to hang up and set the cordless on the kitchen island once she heard the dial tone. She and Teddy went back to eating. "What did you and your grandma talk about?"

"Lola said that she misses me bunches. And hopes that we can go visit them soon. So can we go to Rosewood?" Teddy grinned. Pam wasn't above using her granddaughter's adorableness to get her daughter to do things. Emily believed it was a tactic that every parent used when their son or daughter themselves became a parent.

"Okay, okay. We'll go visit your grandparents in Rosewood."

Emily had gotten out of Rosewood, like she had told her mother. Even though Rosewood wasn't far from Philadelphia, she didn't go back to her childhood home too often. It wasn't that she was afraid to go back. A had stayed silent after Garrett Reynolds had been killed while in custody, and Spencer had been sentenced. There was no danger to her or Paige and Teddy there.

But the truth was her hometown had too many memories on every street and hidden in the woods, memories bad and good. She had no trouble remembering the past without the aid of being back in the town where the whole thing took place.

"Are you done eating?" Emily asked her daughter, as she sipped her coffee.

"Yes. I'm so excited. It's going to be fun hanging out with you, Mommy." Teddy squirmed in her seat.

"Well, let me get you cleaned up. You look really sticky." Emily went to Teddy and helped her down from the chair. She put their dishes into the sink to take care of later. The two of them went into the bathroom and Emily started to fill up the tub.

"Is the art museum really pretty?" Teddy asked as she watched her mother test the water's temperature.

Emily flicked the water off her hand. "Just right." She turned off the water. "The Philadelphia Museum of Art is really, _really_ pretty. I know you'll love it. It has art from all around the world. Alright Baby Girl, bath time." She got Teddy undressed, and into the tub.

They had spent a good part of the day at the art museum. With so many galleries, it was impossible to see the museum in one day. Teddy wanted to come back so she could see everything. The little girl was currently recapping everything she saw in rapid fire.

"There were a lot of naked ladies. Did they have no clothes in olden times? Someone really wanted to paint fruit. I liked that painting of the bridge and the pond. The flowers in the water were really pretty." Teddy was talking about a Monet painting. They had gone to the European Art 1850-1900 gallery. It was know for having several Monets, Renoirs, and van Gogh's _Sunflowers._

"The sunflowers one made me happy. All the yellow is so bright. You have to smile when you see sunflowers. It's a rule. Then all those paintings that were just lines and squares. And scribbles! I can make that." The little girl made an unimpressed face, but then brightened at a sudden thought. "If you bought me paint, I could-"

"We'll see, Jackson Pollock." Emily gave her daughter a small smile. When one of the tour guides saw how interested Teddy was in the artwork, he told them that the museum offered art lessons for children her age. She was probably going to let her daughter take lessons.

"He made those drippy, splotch paintings right? I liked those. And the three blocky guys playing music." Emily had told her daughter what she remembered from when Spencer had taken them to the museum. Aria and Hanna had run off looking for a bathroom, leaving the two of them alone. Spencer grabbed her hand and brought her to stand in front of a painting.

"_Okay. What's the story?" Spencer stopped in front of a painting. _

"_I don't know anything about this painting. I'm sure you know more than I do." Emily looked at Spencer confused. _

"_I mean," Spencer gestured towards the painting with a slender hand. "Tell me a story about what you think is going on in the painting. No cheating and looking at the title."_

_The painting was of a man and a woman, holding each other close, safe in each other's arms. A warm embrace. They were floating above a town, carefree. "They're lovers. They're escaping a town that is holding them back. That doesn't want them to be together. Their love is so strong they can break free. They're flying and it's just the two of them. Nothing else exists." Emily knew she wanted a love like that. Spencer was quiet, so she looked at her. They were still holding hands. The thin brunette took a step closer._

"_Yeah. It's called Above the Town. Lovers were a favorite subject of Chagall's. They were in many of his paintings. Looking for each other, embracing, caressing. Floating through the air." Emily swallowed at how close Spencer was, at how intently she was looking into her eyes. "Still everybody says that if they had the chance they'd fly like we do."_

"_Um. Who said that?" Emily looked back at the painting, unable to take how her friend was looking at her. _

"_The Weepies." Spencer smiled and let go of her hand. Emily missed it immediately._

"_Spencer Hastings. Lover of modern art and quoter of indie pop songs. I'm impressed. Come on let's keep playing." _

The two of them had gone to other paintings in the museum, making up stories for them until Hanna and Aria found them. The two of them never talked about that moment in front of that painting by Chagall. Then they never got the chance to.

Today, she had shared the game with Teddy, who enjoyed it immensely. The story she made up about Cézanne's _The Large Bathers _made her laughter ring through the gallery and the other museum patrons give them both looks.

Her cell phone rang, and she pulled it out of her pocket with her free hand. She saw that it was Paige calling. She answered it with a smile. "Hey you."

"_Where are you guys?" _Paige's tone was a happy one._ "I got out of work early. I told them if they needed me just to call."_

"Well, we're almost home. Almost at that Thai place." Emily answered. Pan Tao had the best pad Thai, just the right amount of spicy. She was suddenly craving some. "Which I'm now thinking of having for dinner."

"_Great minds. I was thinking about dinner there too. I'm almost in front of it. I can meet you guys there. What direction are you coming from? Maybe I can spot you."_

"We're just about to cross the street." Emily laughed. "Don't see you yet."

"Mama!" It was Teddy that saw Paige first. The little girl jerked her hand out of her mother's, and started running towards the lawyer.

Any other time, this would make Emily's heart swell with joy, seeing her daughter so happy and energetic. But now, her heart was racing, trying to get her legs to move. She screamed, and dropped her phone.

She began to chase after Teddy, but she wouldn't get to her daughter in time. Before she ran out into the street. Time was slowing down again, mocking her like it did before. Just like it did with Alison, with Maya. When she lost Spencer. When she almost lost Paige. How could life be so cruel to Emily Fields?

The air was so thick to get through. She wasn't moving fast enough. She was hyper aware of everything. The traffic light parallel to her was turning yellow. The traffic signal across the corner was blinking, ready to change from "WALK" to "DON'T WALK"

"_Don't walk! Run! Run, Emily!"_

She thought she heard Paige yelling as well. She wouldn't be able to get to Teddy either. Even though she had always been the faster runner, she was even farther away.

The light turned green and her life was going to change again.

Then a figure in a dark hoodie had their arms around Teddy, pulling her back on the curb, just as a bike messenger rode past. The two of them had fallen onto the sidewalk, with Teddy on top of the figure.

"Teddy!" Emily was relieved that her daughter was safe. But she couldn't help but feel dread at seeing someone wearing a dark hoodie.

The little girl shifted in the figure's arms. "You saved me!" She bent down and gave the woman a hug.

And it was a woman. Emily could tell that much after the hood of her jacket had fallen when she was trying to sit up. "No problem, kid." The woman was returning the little girl's hug with one arm, and was using the other to prop herself up.

That voice. The husky tone, the steady pace. Emily would know it anywhere.

"But you saved me. You're a hero!" Teddy wiggled out of the woman's arms, allowing her to stand up. That's when her daughter turned to her, looking guilty. "Mommy!" The little girl trudged over to her mother, knowing she was going to be scolded.

The woman turned to face her. Emily froze, her breath caught in her throat. It had been so long since they saw each other last. The other woman looked just as shocked to she her. Her eyes wide in panic, eerily still.

Emily finally found her voice shakily. "S-spencer?"

Spencer flinched at hearing her name, and looked down at her worn sneakers. She tugged at her sleeve, bringing it down to cover her forearm. She was so much older now. They both were. Fifteen years was a lot of time to pass.

A car horn blared. Emily looked to the street, and saw Paige smacking the hood of a car that had almost hit her. She yelled at the driver and made her way over, dodging a few more cars.

"Emily!" Paige shouted.

"Paige." Emily softly whispered, as if suddenly remembering her wife's existence.

Spencer used Emily's distraction to bolt. She just started running down the sidewalk, bumping into some people in her haste to get away. Emily started to chase after her, but Teddy was calling for her.

"Mommy?" Teddy was in Paige's arms. They were both looking at her. Her daughter was curious, while Paige was concerned.

"Was that -Spencer Hastings?" Paige asked.

"It was." Emily sighed. "Come on, Teddy. We need to get you home, and talk about why what you did was dangerous." Paige flagged them down a cab. The three of them piled into the backseat of the cab. She was expecting a talk too. Spencer Hastings was out of prison, and back in their lives again. She couldn't stop thinking about her lately, and there she was.

Emily stole a glance at Paige. Teddy was seated in her lap, quiet because she knew she was in trouble. But the lawyer was probably wondering what it all meant. Emily was wondering that too. What it meant for the two of them, what it meant for her and Spencer. There would be questions later. A hushed argument after their daughter fell asleep. Because they didn't have to wonder, they both knew how Emily felt about Spencer Hastings. t


	5. Chapter 5

Hey guys. Sorry I didn't get this up sooner. School has been busy. I mean insane! Thanks for all your reviews and PMs. Hope you enjoy.

I don't own Pretty Little Liars.

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Spencer just ran. She had to get away. Emily had seen her. She had been so stupid. Stupid to think she could hide. But there was Emily, shocked to she her. And she was still so beautiful.

She was also a mother. She was Teddy's mother. The little girl she told stories to when Karolina brought her to the shop. The little girl she bought a sketchbook for so she would stop drawing on her classmates. The little girl she had grown to care about. She should have known. Those gorgeous brown eyes. They had reminded her so much of Emily's but she didn't want to believe it. Emily had a daughter, a daughter with Paige McCullers.

That was something she had wanted, to have a life with Emily and start a family.

But all she was now was ruined.

It was all too much. She ran into an alley, and propped her forearm on a wall for support. The tears were falling freely now. She balled her hand up into a fist and pounded the wall repeatedly. She ignored the stinging in her hand.

Minutes passed. Spencer took deep calming breaths. She pushed herself off the wall and went back to the sidewalk. There was an older couple walking past that gave her a look of disdain, like her presence was ruining their evening. She must have looked awful, red rimmed eyes, sweat drenched, still trembling. They probably thought she looked like a junkie. She threw her hood up, and slipped her hands into her pockets.

She went to the bus stop. A mother and her son were waiting for the bus. The boy smiled at her, and she couldn't help but give him a small smile in return. When the mother glanced at Spencer, she pulled her son closer to her.

Spencer didn't blame the mother for her actions. She probably would have done the same, if she had a child. Her thoughts went to Teddy, in that moment. Karolina had said Teddy's parents didn't care about her criminal history. But now that Emily and Paige knew about her working at the coffee shop would they still let Teddy come around?

Like a punch to the gut, Spencer realized that Emily would know where she worked. She couldn't keep doing this if Emily could find her. She swallowed hard. The other woman would certainly try to see her, looking for answers to years of questions. Spencer wouldn't be able to answer them. She couldn't answer them, not without putting Emily in danger again.

They would find out about Emily being in contact with her again. As much as she hated to do it, she had to quit her job. Her bus came and she got on. She took a seat in the back.

She would call Nina when she got back to her tiny apartment. The brunette should have turned down her boss's offer to get off of work early to go have an early dinner with Karolina and Solomon. She was on her way to meet them, when she saw a kid about to run out into traffic. She grabbed the little girl. It was worth getting the wind knocked out of her when they fell to the sidewalk. It was then that she realized the little girl was Teddy. And Teddy hugged her. It was then that she knew she would give anything to protect this little girl.

Then Emily showed up. And everything changed.

Somebody's phone was ringing. After looking around and a couple passengers looking in her direction, Spencer realized it was the cell phone Nina had given her. She took it out of her front pocket and looked at who was calling. It was an unknown number. It rang one last time, before Spencer answered, wondering if she was about to be given instruction from her tormentor.

"Hello?" Spencer asked, a little uncertainty coming out in her voice.

"_Spence? It's Karolina. What happened to you?" _ The tiny brunette came through all worry and alarm.

"Something came up. But I'm okay." The end of her sentence had gone up like a question. Closing her eyes, she winced. She used to be a much better liar.

"_I don't believe you." _Karolina insisted. _"Where are you? We'll come and get you."_

"I'm on my way home. I'm serious, K. I'll be fine." Spencer pinched the bridge of nose. She had forgotten how persistent people could be when they cared.

"_Hell no! We got take out. We are going to show up at your place. And don't think I won't find out where you live. I got your number from Nina. So don't think I won't get your address from her. And she'll show up at your door too. You know how worried she can get."_ Karolina was little but she had a way of getting what she wanted.

"Okay. I'll text you the address. It's. Just don't expect too much. Solomon is with you right?" The neighborhood she lived in wasn't exactly the safest, even if it wasn't in the worst part of Philadelphia.

"_Yes. We'll see you soon. Don't forget. Bye."_

"Bye." With the conversation over, Karolina hung up and Spencer slipped the thin phone back into her front pocket. The sun was finally setting, and the sky turned to fire. Shadows were disappearing, but it was getting darker the closer the bus got to her neighborhood. The streetlights turned on. Her stop came up and she got off.

Her apartment building wasn't too far from the bus stop. It was affordable for what she was living on. The building was older than her, constructed years before she was even alive. It was made of brick and looked sound on the exterior due to some city initiative by the city to have a sense of decent subsidized housing. But on the inside were cracks and scars that had simply been painted over, a place to avoid even with complete tetanus shots.

The landlord knew about her criminal history and that she was on parole. There were a few other people in the building that were in the same situation as her. But she made it a point not to talk to any of them beyond polite acknowledgment, and they did the same for her.

Her apartment was on the sixth floor, but she took the stairs every time, not trusting the coffin-sized elevator. When she neared the sixth floor she heard voices in the hallway. She felt a tightness in her chest for a moment before she recognized it as belonging to Karolina.

"I should call her again. She said she was on her way." She finally reached her floor to see Karolina pacing up and down the hall. Solomon was leaning against the wall, with a box containing brown paper bags in his arms. He saw Spencer, and he nodded at her in greeting. This made Karolina turn around, and a second passed before the younger woman had Spencer engulfed in a tight hug.

"You had me freaking out for awhile there." Karolina seemed to realize that Spencer had tensed at being held and let her go.

"Let's get inside." Spencer stiffly went to unlock her door. She still couldn't relax and fumbled getting the key into the lock. She didn't know if it was due to seeing Emily, the hug, or the fact that she was going to let people into her dismal apartment. It was hard to lose that Hastings value of appearances, even now. She let Karolina and Solomon in ahead of her. "It's not much," she mumbled.

"It's nice." Karolina looked like she wanted to say more on the subject, but swallowed her further comments. Solomon shrugged and went to set the box down on the table. Spencer gestured to the chairs. With three people in the apartment, it was crowded.

As her co-workers sat down, she tried to play hostess and offer drinks. She pulled out the two glasses she owned and a mug. "I can get you guys water. And that's about it. Sorry."

"Hey. That's alright." Karolina started to sort out the food. "I'm good with water. We brought beer too." She brought out cans of Chang beer, a brand that Spencer wasn't familiar with and assumed they picked up from the Thai restaurant they had been supposed to meet at.

This hadn't been the first time the three of them had hung out after work. Like Nina had promised, they had closed the shop early and then all the employees went out to dinner at an Italian place one street over to celebrate. The other night Spencer went with Solomon and Eli to The Library to watch Travis's band play. They had run into Riyadh and Camille and some of the other doctors they worked with. Then Karolina had met up with them.

"_Look who's here. Now the fun can begin!" Camille pulled Karolina in for a hug. "Couldn't convince your boss to come out for one night? I thought you'd have a better shot at it than us."_

"_Sorry. Nope. Family dinner night. 'Sides, you either get her or you get me. Can't have us both." Karolina turned smiled. "Spencer, you came!"_

"_Yeah. This girl I work with would not stop pestering me until I had a drink with her." Spencer shrugged. This would be her first legal drink in a bar. She had celebrated her twenty-first birthday in prison._

"_Well, remind me to thank her." Karolina clapped her hands together. "A round of shots. On the surgeons that make way more than me."_

_Riyadh jumped up. "Okay, okay. But, we're doing tequila."_

"I think I'll stick with water for now." She went to the mini fridge and bent down to take out a plastic jug of water. She poured the three of them drinks, and brought them their glasses. She leaned against the counter and took a sip from her mug.

She wondered how she didn't know that Emily had been so close all this time. If she had come to the bar that night. If she had come into the shop with Riyadh and Camille on her second day. She was Teddy's mother. The little girl had Emily's beautiful brown eyes; a fact Spencer had done her best to ignore.

"Pan Tao has really good spring rolls. You have to try the papaya salad and pad Thai. Oh and the chicken satay!" Karolina took out paper plates and plastic utensils. "Teddy loves them."

"I can't work at Cupcake-a-Coffee any more." Spencer looked straight ahead to avoid the looks of confusion her co-workers must have been giving her. "I'm going to tell Nina tomorrow."

"What? Why?" Karolina practically shouted.

Spencer set her mug on the counter behind her. Then she turned around and used the counter for support. "I have my reasons."

"Well, they better be good ones. I know for a fact you need this job so you can pay for this crap apartment and keep your parole officer off your back." The tiny brunette was practically shouting now. Spencer found herself becoming even tenser. She hunched her shoulders.

"Does this have anything to do with why you were crying earlier?" Solomon spoke. His voice was a soothing timbre, and it always shocked Spencer to hear it. Solomon was the type of person that knew the value of words, and only used to them to get the best effect in a situation. It was enough to get her to turn around and face them.

"Was it?" Karolina's voice was back to being gentle.

"Teddy's moms." Spencer stumbled over her words. "I knew them. From before." Was that enough of a reason?

"Is that going to be a problem?" Karolina seemed to understand that Emily was connected to why she went to prison.

"I don't know. Probably." It was definitely going to be a problem. A was going to find out.

Karolina got out of the chair and brought Spencer over to sit on her bed. "Don't quit just yet. We'll figure something out."

Once again, the younger woman seated next to her was comforting her. And once again, Spencer found herself trusting her.

"Alright." Spencer sniffed. "I think I'll take that beer now."

Solomon laughed and it resonated through the room. Karolina stood up. "You seriously need to try the papaya salad."

They talked over dinner, and Spencer had looked away from Karolina feeding Solomon a spring roll. Everybody had someone. They had finished up, and Spencer was left with the remaining food. She told them good night, and the couple said their goodbyes.

After her co-workers left, the thin brunette got ready for bed. She felt warm, so her bedclothes consisted of a tank top and a pair of panties. But once she was finally in bed, sleep eluded her. She tossed and turned, changing up her position on the single bed. She checked the cheap analogue clock on top of a cardboard box next to the head of her bed. It read 3:05 am. It was three hours until she had to be up for work. She burrowed her face into her pillow frustratedly.

The sound of knocking jarred her out of sleep. She groaned and looked at her clock again. 5:12 am. She had only gotten about two hours of sleep. It was better than nothing. The knocking continued and Spencer stumbled out of bed.

"Open up, Sunshine." There was only one person that could be visiting. Someone who was fond of surprise inspections.

"Uh, just a second." Spencer looked around the room, wondering where her pants were.

"You get ten seconds to open this door. Or I'm going to be very unhappy." Even though Molly Mendez's voice came through the door muffled, her meaning came through loud and clear. Spencer padded over to the door and opened it for her parole officer.

"Good morning, Sunshine." Molly Mendez smiled at her brightly and entered the apartment. Spencer shut the door behind her. While she was wearing next to nothing, Molly Mendez was wearing black slacks paired with a gray blazer, the type she herself used to favor back in high school. The bulge of her Glock was visible through the material.

"Good morning, ma'am." Even though Spencer knew her parole officer to be not that much older than her, she dared not call her by anything else. Even in her head, she referred to the woman by her full name. This woman held her future in her hands, the ability to keep her out of prison or send her back. It scared her not to be in control and Spencer hated it. She didn't even attempt to put on sweats without permission. Instead she stood up straight at attention, hands at her side.

Molly Mendez looked her up and down, taking in her bare toned legs. "Let's get started shall we?"

Her parole officer started with the small dresser. Spencer only owned enough clothes to fill up one of the drawers, but each shirt, pair of jeans, bra, and piece of underwear was searched. Her parole officer thoughtfully refolded each item of clothing. Spencer itched to snatch the clothes back and fold them they way she preferred. When Molly Mendez was done there, she tossed Spencer a pair of sweats, which she pulled on quickly and gratefully. Then two empty drawers were opened and quickly shut.

Then she moved on to the bed. "Help me lift up the mattress." Spencer did as she was told. After the ancient mattress, came the equally as old box spring. Satisfied there was nothing hidden there, she went to the cardboard box beside the bed.

There was nothing in there besides the books she had borrowed from Nina, but each book was searched thoroughly. Molly Mendez paused when she reached _Dubliners_. Like a diligent student, Spencer had asked Mrs. Montgomery the books she was going to assign the senior class, and the collection of short stories by Joyce had been on the list. But with the summer classes she was taking, and her dealings with A, it was the one item she never got around to reading. The prison library didn't have a copy. "I haven't read it yet."

"I liked _Araby_. But you should probably be reading something that isn't about how following routine only leads to loneliness and unfulfillment. Save yourself the punishment. Get yourself some urban fantasy novels." The other woman put the books back in the box, and closed it again.

Spencer nodded like she was going to take her parole officer's advice, but was probably going to still read _Dubliners. _A glutton for punishment.

The rest of the apartment was checked from her sneakers to the mini fridge. "Take-out?"

"Yes, ma'am. Thai food. Some co-workers came over and surprised me with dinner." Spencer admitted. It wasn't a crime, but she was glad she had taken out the trash. There would be no beer cans for Molly Mendez to pass judgment on.

"You don't have anything hidden that I should know about? Illegal drugs? Weapons of any kind?" Even though she had just been through every inch of the tiny apartment, Molly Mendez was still going to ask. She was intimidating enough to cull a confession even without a raised eyebrow and positioning her hands on her hips to expose the Glock at her side.

"No, ma'am." Spencer stood still, and tried not to eye the gun.

"Still working at Nina's shop?" Molly Mendez voice was firm, like she was talking to a child.

"Yes, ma'am." She didn't admit that she wasn't sure for how much longer.

"You have my number stored in that?" Molly Mendez nodded at the cell phone Nina had given her sitting on the top of the dresser. It was the first number she had stored in the thing. Spencer had explained that her boss had given it to her for work and emergencies. Otherwise she didn't have much use for the cell phone. She was hesitant to use it after everything.

Spencer simply nodded. "Good. Call me if anything changes." Molly Mendez walked to the door, but stopped. The other woman looked at her with such intense curiosity, as if she was a puzzle that couldn't be solved. "Stay out of trouble and keep your chin up, Sunshine. It'll make things easier."

"I will." Spencer blurted out stupidly, as she opened up the door for her parole officer. "Thank you."

"I'll be seeing you." And with that, Molly Mendez left her apartment; probably to pay surprise visits to her other parolees in the building. Spencer watched her walk down the hallway. She shut the door, and lay her palm flat on the door. She rested her forehead against the back of her hand, and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to steady her breathing. The woman was scary, but fair.

Her alarm went off. Spencer pushed herself off the door to turn it off. She had to start her morning routine. The only difference today was that for breakfast, she had rice and some chicken satay. Her usual breakfast, if she wasn't skipping it to save money, was plain oatmeal, and maybe some slices of banana.

When she was growing up, everything had been provided for her. A huge fridge full of food, and fruit in bowls. Country club membership. A room that wasn't the size of a closet and a closet full of sharp designer clothes and shoes. Her own car. She hadn't really thought about the cost of things back then. She was never extravagant in her spending, but it was nice to have that option.

Even in prison, the basics were given to her. She was presented with the bright uniforms and three meals of something resembling food daily. There was the option to buy things in prison aside from personal hygiene products and toiletries, if you had the money. Spencer had saved up to buy a small radio. For a while, the radio fuzzily played out NPR and sometimes a radio station that played music she enjoyed, a luxury while surrounded by painted cement. But it had gotten smashed during an argument with her cellmate over toilet paper.

She cleaned her bowl and spoon out in the sink. Then she threw on her hoodie, slipped into a pair of jeans, and shoved her sneakers on. She lost her balance and fell against the small dresser. A picture frame fell over, and Spencer picked it up.

In her hands was the last photo she had ever taken with her mother before her death. The two of them were in the visiting center. It had been Spencer's birthday. She was trying to smile, but she hated being in there while her mother was sick. But Veronica had just hugged her tightly. She closed her eyes to block out her surroundings, and the garish orange jumpsuits.

The safety of her mother's arms was the only thing she needed to exist just then. And she had smiled and it was genuine, warm. Veronica smiled too, lightly but so bright. That exact moment had been captured by another visitor they had asked to take the photograph for them. They did take another picture where they had posed, the two of them, Veronica's arm around her waist but her smile in that one wasn't as peaceful as the stolen moment.

Spencer set the photograph back down on the dresser, grabbed her cell phone and her keys and was out the door.

Today wasn't too bad in terms of weather. It was still a bit warm, but the clouds in the sky didn't look too welcoming. She hoped it didn't rain when she had to be outside. She didn't own an umbrella.

After the bus ride, Spencer arrived at Cupcake-a-Coffee only to be sent out again. Karolina hadn't even had time to ask her about last night before Eli told her to deliver drinks to St. Luke's. Karolina tried to give her an encouraging smile. She took the tray of five drinks she was to give to Dr. Robert Chan in the Department of Anesthesiology.

It took her less than ten minutes to get to the hospital. A man she assumed to be Dr. Chan was waiting in the lobby for her, something she was grateful for. The first time she had delivered to the hospital, she had gotten lost trying to find a particular nurse's station. Luckily it wasn't drinks that would get too cold or warm, but cupcakes for a birthday party.

Dr. Chan took the tray of drinks and set them down on a table next to some comfortable looking chairs. He took out his wallet to pay the total, and Spencer tried not to let her impatience get to her as the man slowly counted out the bills for the exact amount and tried to calculate the change and her tip in his head. The man made it through med school, but he couldn't quickly figure out a bill.

"That's enough right?" He asked as he finally handed the money over.

Spencer took the money and shoved it in her pocket, not caring if it was the exact amount. She just wanted to get out of the hospital.

"Aren't you going to count it?" Dr. Chan asked her innocently.

"If people trust you to put them to sleep, then I trust you to pay for things." Spencer nodded curtly at him. "Thank you for ordering from Cupcake-a-Coffee."

She turned toward the exit, but found her path blocked by one Emily Fields, M.D.

"Thanks, Dr. Chan." Emily said to the doctor behind her.

"Hey. No problem, Dr. Fields. Free coffee right?" Dr. Robert Chan took the tray of coffee and left.

Spencer should have known this was a set up. If she had been this careless in prison, she'd be dead. But she had come up with a plan if she ran into Emily. She squared her shoulders, and clenched her jaw at what she was about to do.

"Hi." Emily took an uncertain step towards her, as if she would spook and run away again. There would be no running away this time. She had to stand her ground and get the other woman to leave her alone.

There would be no faltering. There would be no looking into those gorgeous brown eyes and giving in.

"Fields." Spencer said coldly. "Oh wait. It's Dr. Fields now, right?"

"Spencer, please." Emily was pleading with her. "Can we just talk?"

Where was the anger? Spencer had readied herself for an attack, to be torn into. There should have been hatred on Emily's face. For everything she did. For every cruel and malignant thing she had said and had done before that. Sixteen years was a lot of time to nourish malice towards someone that wronged you and took your loved ones from you.

Instead standing in front of her was a woman that was trying to understand what had happened to her friend, the girl she had gone through so much with. "I just want the truth."

"The truth?" Spencer closed the distanced between them, and sneered. "The truth is Maya pleaded for her life. She thought she could trust me with all that evidence. I was your friend after all. But when Garrett showed up, she knew she made a mistake." She threw in a sharp laugh, calculated amusement. "She lasted longer than Ali did. With Maya, I got to see the life drain right out of her when Garrett was crushing her windpipe. That was a powerful thing to witness." She leaned in closer and whispered into Emily's ear. "It was such a turn on."

Spencer wanted to take every ugly, disgusting word back. She wanted to throw up. But with all her strength, she steeled herself to leave behind a stunned and shaking Emily. She got the desired effect. The other woman was seriously fuming. She shoved past her, but there was a hard tug at her arm.

Emily had grabbed her and was holding onto her bicep tightly, tethering her into place. On her face, she wore determination, and it was smoldering Spencer's insides. "Why are you still lying?"

It was a fair question. Spencer's thoughts were racing. _Because I sold my soul and traded freedom for self exile to keep you safe. Because I deserve your scorn and nothing else. Because lying is the only thing I know how to do anymore_.


	6. Chapter 6

Hey guys! Thanks for sticking with this fic. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Emily's point of view this time.

I really appreciate your reviews and PMs. I love reading them.

I don't own Pretty Little Liars.

* * *

"Because it's the only thing I know how to do anymore."

It was barely a whisper. Emily almost thought that she had imagined the words coming out of Spencer's mouth, almost as if the other woman hadn't meant to say them out loud. For a hot second, Spencer's face had flickered, a slip. Then the cruel sneer was back. But Emily had seen it.

She hadn't meant to grab her arm with such intensity, but she was frustrated. Spencer ripped her arm out of Emily's loosening grip. Her eyes darted around the lobby, not unlike a cornered animal. She pushed Emily. "Don't!"

"Hey!" A security guard came jogging up to the two of them. "Doctor Fields, is this woman bothering you?" He wore a stern expression, ready to spring into action.

Emily noticed Spencer tense up at the appearance of the uniform. She put herself between the guard and the other woman. "No, Carl. We're fine." She held her hand up to keep the man back.

"Yeah, Carl. I was just leaving." Spencer said coldly. She turned as if she suddenly remembered where the exit was.

Emily shot Carl an apologetic look, and then she hurried after the retreating woman through the hospital doors. "Spencer!"

Spencer stopped. "Just forget about me, Em." It was as if all the fight had left her. She was completely deflated.

The sky opened up and the rain started to come down. Patients and doctors ran to the doors covering their heads as they sought refugee. Spencer threw her hood up and walked away. Emily watched her be swallowed up by the rain.

Her pager went off. She was supposed to be in the OR to assist on a PDA repair in 45 minutes. She needed to put what just happened with Spencer out of her mind, and focus on the infant that had a hole in his heart that needed to be repaired, to become Doctor Fields. But while she made her way to meet with her attending, thoughts of Spencer clung to her, uneasy to shake loose.

Last night, she had yelled at Paige. The shock at seeing Spencer again had worn off and had been replaced with irritation when Paige admitted she knew that the woman was out on parole. She had even confessed to knowing that Spencer was the ex-offender working at the coffee shop, that she was the one talking to Teddy. Her five year old had befriended her former friend. Her daughter had drawn a picture of Spencer's tattoos.

Spencer Hastings had tattoos. This new Spencer that she had seen on the street was at war with the image of the Spencer she had known in Rosewood. Their encounter had been brief, but the image of her face was burned in her memory.

To Doctor Fields's trained clinical eye, her nose looked like it had been broken and hastily set, and her lip torn and repaired just as carelessly. Her stance was uneasy, ready to run at the slightest movement. But Emily Fields would remember Spencer's eyes. Behind the surprise and fear, those eyes were haunted. The fire she had been used to had gone out, and left behind a blackness. Gone was that hunger, that drive she associated with her former friend. There was not much left of her Spencer.

And that is why Emily had yelled at Paige. Spencer had been out of prison. Emily should have been there for the woman.

"_How could you keep this from me?" Emily turned her back on Paige, angry at being lied to._

"_I wanted to make sure it was safe." Paige placed her hand on her shoulder, only to have it shrugged off._

"_Spencer isn't dangerous!" Emily rounded on the lawyer. After everything she had shared about A, how could Paige say that?_

"_I know. But the situation is." Paige's tone was steady, used to dealing with erratic clients. _

_Emily knew Paige was right. She only needed to look at the right side of Paige's face where there were small pockmarks around her eye and hollows where parts of her skin had been torn, and at her left hand, memories of a past warning. _

After the fight, Emily had gone to the hospital early to spend the rest of the night in the on call room. She had an early tonsillectomy so she figured she might as well. As right as Paige had been to be cautious, Emily didn't feel like being around her. So she left. Although she felt guilty about her treatment of Paige, she was tired of everyone lying to protect her.

She decided to take the situation head on. She had placed an order for coffee between surgeries and asked Eli to send Spencer. She had bribed Dr. Chan with coffee and enlisted the anesthesiologist to distract her long enough for her to talk to her. It hadn't ended the way she had hoped. But that had been expected.

"Doctor Fields, nice of you to join us." Dr. Cynthia Bernal was already wearing her scrub cap and mask. She was a tough attending but fair to her residents. "Are you here? I need you in this 100%. The tonsillectomy this morning was lacking. Not up to your usual."

"Yes, Doctor Bernal." Emily nodded and got ready for surgery. She got her cap and mask on, then went to the sink to scrub in, already preparing herself to focus solely on the surgery ahead of her. Which each brush stroke, she washed away the confrontation with Spencer.

After the successful surgery, Emily pulled her surgical mask off outside the OR. Dr. Bernal came up to offer a brief congratulations. "Good job in there, Doctor Fields. Glad I didn't have to have you inform the parents that their son had died. Instead I get to tell them good news." Dr. Bernal's eyes were highly critical. "I know you're having problems at home. But make sure it continues to stay outside the OR."

"Thank you, Dr. Bernal." Emily nodded. She had to go look after her other patients, and get to her charts. She went up to the peds ward. That surgery had worn her out.

Such a tiny body to cut open, such a young life to have in her hands. But the baby had a good prognosis. He was born full term and the repair was done early. He was going to be happy and healthy. He was going to grow up and have his first kiss, his first love. For sure he'd experience heartbreak, and it would feel like nothing could ever be the same again. But his heart would mend.

The heart was a tricky organ. Shaped like a mango and a big as a fist, it's lub dub kept a perfect cadence. Love you, love you, love you. Valves opened and closed. Atriums and ventricles pumped. Blood came back from the pulmonic circulation carrying oxygen and then out to the systemic circulation to deliver it's precious load to the rest of the body. So much could go wrong with the heart physically. It could get clogged. It could get infected. It could beat so fast, that it would just stop.

But when someone says their heart is broken, the organ was still doing it's job. Pumping blood. And that's what hurt the most. That when love ended, the heart still went on. You still lived. The heart kept it's beat. Love you, love you, love you. That's how you knew it was still there. But you still felt the missing pieces. You had to live without them.

The elevator pinged and she got off. She went to the nurses' station. "Good morning, party people."

"Doctor Fields! Thanks for the coffee earlier." Emma, the head nurse looked up from a chart.

Emily smiled at the AM shift of nurses. "No problem. We all know who really keeps this machine running smoothly."

That was something she had learned when she stepped foot in the hospital her first night as an intern. The nurses had so much more experience than her. She had been relieved by their presence. She had told her father this, and he said he went through a similar experience as a greenhorn 2nd Lieutenant and he had been put in charge of a squad. He was grateful to his Sergant, saving his ass on multiple ocassions.

Just because someone didn't go to med school, didn't mean they didn't know a thing about medicine. The scrub nurses could anticipate what instrument she needed. The circulating nurse made sure the OR was taken care of. The staff nurses were there for the patients more hours in the day, especially since she was a surgeon. They could let her know about any change that she needed to deal with. They were all a team. They had her back.

Emily had slipped out of her white coat, and placed it on the back of her chair. She flipped open the chart belonging to one of her patients to the latest nurse's notes. Her appendectomy patient was doing well, no fever or sign of inflammation, and his incision site was healing nicely. He could go home soon. She was finishing up with the chart when she heard someone calling her name.

"Emily! I thought that was you." Although his hair was thinning, Dr. Wren Kingston had a bright smile and teeth as white as printer paper. His appearance threw her. Running into Spencer, and now Wren. If Toby came back from Portland, then she would have to start thinking the universe had a sick sense of humor.

"Uh, Wren. Hi."

"So you work here?" Wren leaned in as close as he could with the counter between them. He cocked his head to the side.

Emily had to admit that there was a certain charm to the tiny British man, but she didn't understand the appeal. "That's why I'm working on this chart and wearing scrubs."

"Right." Wren's smile faltered a bit, but he recovered. "Then I guess we'll be working together. Just started today." He eyeballed her up and down. "I always thought you'd make a great nurse."

Emily's eyes narrowed. She never really liked Wren. He played the dogged nice guy card, and he felt entitled because of that. Then of course, he knew about the HGH A had dosed her with, and held her future in his hands all those years ago. He had gone after Spencer when he was engaged to her sister. And after the engagement fell through, he had stuck around Rosewood for a chance to be with her. Emily herself had to tell Toby about Wren and Spencer's history to break his heart in order to keep him safe.

The lies Spencer told to keep people safe.

Wren always made Emily feel uneasy, like something under the surface was waiting to come unhinged. But right now, he was seriously annoying her.

"Doctor Fields. The parents of the patient in 226 are asking if their daughter's chest tube can be removed." Richard, one of the staff nurses gave her a knowing nod. Like she said, the nurses had her back.

"226? Yeah. I checked earlier this morning. It's ready to come out. Please prep the dressing tray and meet me at the room." Emily was glad for the escape from Wren. She threw her doctors coat back on over her scrubs. "It was nice seeing you again, Wren." Emily lied.

But Wren trailed after her. "Well maybe we can get coffee and catch up when you're free. There's a place I heard about from some of the other doctors. Cupcake Coffee." He looked up, trying to recall the name. "Something like that."

Emily froze. She knew he was talking about Cupcake-a-Coffee. Wren could not go there. He could not see Spencer, and start after her again.

She closed her eyes, counted to three and turned to him. "That place? Not as great as they say. There's this Italian place. Has better coffee. Awesome tiramisu. And wine. We can grab dinner instead."

Thinking he won, Wren grinned. He took a small notepad out of his coat pocket, and wrote something done on a page. He tore it out with a flourish. "It's a date. Here's my number."

Emily took it with a strained smile. She hoped this was enough of a distraction to get the man away from the coffee shop. She just nodded, and slipped the number into her coat pocket. Wren was just another thing to deal with.

"Don't loose it. Or I'll find you." Wren started walking away. "Bye, Em."

Richard caught up with her outside the patient's room, carrying a tray with sterile instruments and dressing. "Ready?" The nurse nodded and she knocked on the door and entered.

"Good afternoon, Misters Trent." Emily greeted her patient's fathers.

One of the men was at his daughter's bedside, stroking her hair. The other man was by his husband's side in a wheelchair. He gave her a tired smile. He had a healing laceration on his forehead. "Hey, Nat. It's your favorite doctor and your favorite nurse."

Natalie smiled up at them in bed. She was eleven years old and she and her father had been in a car accident. They had been both wearing their seatbelts so their injuries hadn't been as bad. Natalie's father had a broken leg and broken ribs. He should have been in his own bed, recovering but the parent in her could understand the need to be around their hurt child. Natalie had hemothorax and her chest had needed to be drained, a case that always hit close to home for Emily. But today the young girl's chest tube could be removed.

"Hi, Natalie." Emily gave the girl a gentle smile and stood by her bedside. "We'll be removing your chest tube. How does that sound?"

"Good." The girl answered in a small, shy voice.

Emily explained the procedure to Natalie in terms she could understand. She got her prepared to have the tube taken out and taught her how she should breathe when the tube was being removed. "Very good. Now, this medicine is so it won't hurt you too much, but you're still going to feel some discomfort, okay? But I'm sure your daddy will let you hold his hand the whole time." She looked at the injured Mr. Trent. He needed this.

Richard lay down a pad on the linen while Emily put on her PPEs and sterile gloves. She asked Natalie if she was ready, and when the girl gave her a trusting nod, she removed the dressing covering the tube. She cut the sutures holding the tube in place, and clamped it close. "Alright just breathe like I taught you."

As gently and swiftly, Emily removed the tube. "Good job, sweetie," and with that she place an airtight dressing over the site. "I'm proud of you. You were so brave."

She took her gloves off, and Richard left the room to dispose of the tube and soiled items after saying goodbye and shooting Natalie a gorgeous smile. He was the nurse that a lot of the older girls had a bit of a crush on.

Emily assessed Natalie's respiratory status. "Everything looks good. Doesn't it feel better? Alright, sweetie. If you need anything don't hesitant to ask. That goes for you both." She looked over at the Trents. She firmly believed that she wasn't treating just the patient, but also the rest of the family.

"Thank you, Dr. Fields."

"And Mr. Trent, I'm sure your doctor wants you back in bed. You need to heal too. I'll ask a nurse to come and get you." Emily looked at the man in the wheelchair. She couldn't imagine what it was like to have your child in the hospital because of some careless driver. She would never get used to the things that could happen to a child.

Her breath caught when she thought about how that could have happened yesterday. If it hadn't been for Spencer.

"Bye, Natalie." She left the room and then charted the details of the procedure. When she was finished, she allowed herself to think about Spencer again. She needed to talk to someone about this.

That person wasn't going to be Paige. She was still frustrated at being lied to. Keeping secrets was never a good thing in her experience. She knew that she had to tell Hanna and Aria. She checked her watch. It would be about 8 pm in Prague.

She had no surgeries for hours and a bit of free time. She decided to grab something to eat and call Aria. She went down to the cafeteria and bought a grilled chicken salad and apple juice. Then she went off to find some privacy.

The salad went untouched as the phone rang. Aria was the better choice to talk to about Spencer. She would be calm and listen to her fully. She would be understanding. Unlike Hanna.

Spencer was a sore subject with the blonde. While Spencer was able to convince everyone she had arranged everything with Alison and Maya's murders, the three of them knew there was no way she was guilty. But Hanna had her reasons for being angry with Spencer. While Emily could understand, she didn't agree with them completely. When it came to Spencer, she was more frustrated than anything.

Emily would have to get advice from Aria on how to break the news to Hanna.

"Hello?" Aria answered. It was so great to hear her old friend's voice. They hadn't spoken in days.

"Hey, Aria. It's Em. I'm glad you're home." She played with her salad, trying to find the words to tell Aria. "I'm not bothering you, am I?"

"No. Just doing some pleasure reading. I always have time for you. What's up?" Aria's voice was cheerful.

"I saw Spencer." Emily itched to light up a cigarette. It was a habit she had picked up during the trial even though it added seconds to her times in the pool. She was still the best. But Paige had been on her to quit citing it was stupid for an athlete, then a med student, then a doctor to learn about the dangers of smoking and still retain the habit. And later third hand smoke, how the smoke would stick to her clothes and she'd bring it home to their daughter. The cravings and the weight gain had been worth keeping her daughter healthy.

"Did she finally let you visit?" Aria's voice came through surprised. Spencer had refused visitors. The two of them had tried to visit several times, but Aria gave up after a couple months while Emily persisted. She had always asked Veronica how Spencer was doing after every visit up until the woman's death.

"She's out." Emily squeezed her eyes shut, and leaned her head back against the cool wall the empty bed she was sitting on was pushed up against. "She's out of prison."

Aria was silent on the other end for long while that Emily thought she been disconnected. She finally spoke. "What are you going to do?"

Emily didn't really know. She explained what had happened the day before and what she had tried this morning and how badly it had ended. Emily felt a shudder go down her spine at recalling what Spencer had said to her. The sneer making the scar on her lip all the more prominent, looking altogether sinister. It had scared her.

"She said all that to you?" Aria's voice was one of shock and disbelief.

"It was almost word for word from what she told the parole board at her hearing." Except for that part about being turned on by murder.

"It was rehearsed." Paige had admitted that once she had found out Spencer was out on parole, she had used her connections to get a copy of the parole hearing transcript. Emily had demanded to read it. Spencer expressed remorse for her crimes, and wished for forgiveness from everyone she had destroyed. It was a very moving apology, and it read as if Spencer genuinely believed she was guilty. "I just want to talk to her. I just want her to listen."

She just wanted the truth.

"What does Hanna think about all this?" Aria asked as if she already knew the answer.

"I haven't told her yet." Emily was dying for a cigarette. She was not looking forward to telling the blonde about Spencer. She definitely would have a fit, her moods changing at the drop of a hat these days.

"You need to tell her soon. If she finds out about Spencer on her own. I mean look at how annoyed you are with Paige for keeping this from you." Emily nodded even though Aria couldn't see her. She wasn't happy with Paige at the moment but when she went home later, they'd make up.

"You're right." Emily sighed, and she pinched the bridge of her nose. "Once I'm done here, I'll call her."

"I'll let you go then. If anything changes, let me know?" Aria had always been the group's peacekeeper whenever she or Hanna were unhappy with Spencer. Funny how that was still happening now.

Emily said good-bye to her friend and ended the conversation. She sat in the empty hallway, and looked at her salad. She really wasn't up to eating it anymore. The lettuce looked limp and the chicken strips like cardboard. She picked her phone up again, and dialed a number.

"Emily?" The blonde had picked up on the fifth ring.

"Hey, Hanna. Are you free later?"


	7. Chapter 7

You guys! I am so sorry. School has been crazy. And it's about to be finals. So I wanted to post this chapter before I die under a pile of exams. Yes! I'm working on Spemily moments. Please be patient with me. Huge plans. As always reviews are appreciated. I love my readers!

Trigger warning: I've been hinting at it, and I'm going to hint at it more. But Spencer received a lot of abuse during her years in prison. I will eventually have a chapter devoted to the years in prison. Thank you for bearing with me.

Disclaimer: I don't own the PLL. Which is probably a good thing because my beta reader tells me that I am approaching Shonda Rhimes level of angst.

* * *

"You were out in this weather?" Dressed in a rain jacket and armed with an umbrella, Solomon quickly made his way over to Spencer, concern evident in the voice that she didn't hear too often. She must have looked half drowned. She was shivering now, and starting to regret taking her time in getting back to the shop.

She couldn't afford to get sick. The consultation fees, the prescribed medication, taking time off work. She mused it was cheaper to die. Have someone else foot the cost of the funeral that no one would attend. It would be easier.

"Let's get you warmed up." Spencer let Solomon lead her to the kitchen. Nina came over like a worried mother, and the tall man handed her off to their boss. They were standing in front of the ovens.

"Eli, can you get me something warm? I need her out of these wet clothes." Nina grabbed the zipper of her hoodie and took it off to reveal the white tank top she had on underneath, that she could feel clinging to her abdomen. "Help me out here, Spencer. "

In response, she lifted her arms above her head and her shirt joined her hoodie on the kitchen floor where Nina had thrown it. The older woman didn't comment on the tattoos she had or the faded scars and burns she had imprinted in her skin.

Wordlessly, Spencer kicked off her soggy, disintegrating sneakers and unbuttoned her jeans. She pulled them down over her hips, and stepped out of them. Solomon came back with a dry pair of sweats that Nina helped get her into. He covered his eyes with his hand and was about to leave the kitchen again, when Nina stopped him.

"Don't be bashful. Take your shirt off and hold her." Spencer couldn't look at either of them, embarrassed at needing to be taken care of. But Solomon must have agreed because she felt strong arms wrap around her and a bare chest press into her back. She squeezed her eyes shut at the contact.

"I'm s-sorry." Spencer choked out. Everyone had been worried about her, and now they were still worrying about her.

"What happened?" Nina stood closer to her.

"I sent her out on a delivery to the hospital. Emily asked for her." Eli had returned with a cup of something steaming, and a shirt tucked under her arm. "Is she why you want to quit?"

"You want to quit?" Nina asked. She sounded hurt and disappointed.

"I have to." Spencer looked up and jerked out of Solomon's warm embrace. "She can't be around me." Her hair was dripping wet and she felt drops of water trail rivulets down her bare skin.

"Okay, Solomon. I think you need to go back out front." Solomon grabbed his shirt and pulled it back on. He nodded at the three of them and gave Spencer a shy, but reassuring smile.

Eli handed Spencer the shirt and she put it on. It was a black polo shirt with the Cup-a-Coffee logo on the breast. She pulled it on and found it to be a little baggy on her. She was used to wearing clothes that weren't her size.

Then Eli gave her the steaming mug and Nina gave her a look that let her know she wouldn't get away without finishing every drop. Spencer took a sip, and she swallowed the sweet liquid. It warmed her throat and chest as it went down. She really didn't like the taste of hot chocolate, much preferring the bitterness of coffee. She didn't deserve anything sweet.

Nina dragged a chair next to the ovens and Spencer sat down. "Whenever you're ready to talk."

The two women went back to baking, trying not to rush her into talking. Spencer collected her thoughts as she sat hunched over in the chair, as close as she could get into the fetal position.

What were her options? She needed this job. Well, she needed a job. But she knew the discrimination she was up against once her criminal history was discovered. She had even been turned away from the few housekeeping jobs she had applied to. She was surprised to learn that employers had high standards for their cleaning ladies.

She needed a job to pay for everything. Parts of her paycheck went to the state for being out on parole, and to a victims' fund. The remaining amount was for rent. She had some funds for clothes and food left over after that.

Spencer didn't want to end up in the streets or back in prison. Some of the women she had met in Muncy told her stories. Stories about how being out on parole was just a set up for failure. They had been saddled with an unhelpful parole officer or there just wasn't enough resources being offered. Substance abuse and mental health issues were made worse. So they had no other option but to become homeless, or they'd do something to get arrested again. She just thought that those women didn't have the willpower to stay clean and out of prison.

But she was finding out that it was hard.

The question Spencer had at the back of her mind ever since she was granted parole was "Why?" A sent her to prison, only to have her apply for parole when she was up for it again. It hadn't made sense then.

Now she understood.

She could deal with prison. There were ways to rationalize and cope with being inside. She would read whatever book or magazine she could get her hands on. She would work out. She would take classes and she would teach classes. She would fill up all her time, just so she would be too exhausted to think at night. She'd seek out the touch of another woman just not to feel the sharp pang of loneliness. Anything to not think of a life outside the prison walls.

But finally being out of Muncy and back in the real world after spending nearly half her life in prison, it was grinding her down. She was using distractions and telling herself she was holding on. Then the run in with Emily. Was this part of the plan, to dangle Emily in front of her? A knew exactly how much it was breaking her.

A wanted to erase her completely, and she was almost gone.

"Spencer, you're shaking. You're not still not cold are you?" Karolina was right next to her suddenly, and the younger woman's appearance startled her. She ended up dropping the cup from her hands.

"Fuck!" Spencer almost jumped out of her seat. They were the only people in the kitchen.

"No. Just say there. You don't have shoes on." Karolina went to get a dustpan and broom. She came back and started cleaning up Spencer's mess.

"You should let me take care of that." Spencer looked up at Karolina forlornly.

"It's on me. I snuck up on you." The tiny brunette took care of the shards and threw them in the bin. When she came back, Karolina leaned against a counter and watched her intently. "You had me worried. I mean the hospital is only ten minutes away. You weren't answering your phone. I told Solomon to go look for you. I thought you were going to do something stupid."

"I wouldn't-"

"I hope so. I really do. Because you might not think it, but people do care about you. The moment I saw you, I thought you were strong. If anyone could turn their life around, it would be you. The more I got to know you, the more I knew you were strong. A little quiet, very mysterious. But very caring and hardworking. Gentle too. How you are with Teddy." Karolina gave a small smile as if she was recalling something she and the little girl had done. "You're a good person."

Karolina and the others had so much faith in her, and Spencer didn't know how much of it was deserved, if she deserved any of it. The tiny brunette's speech reminded her of words from someone that had saved her in prison, words from someone that showed her love and a kindness in a place where it shouldn't have existed.

"You said you knew Emily and Paige from before?" Karolina slowly asked. "From Rosewood?"

Spencer brought her legs up into the chair and hugged her knees to her chest. "Yes. We went to high school together." _She and Emily had been friends._

Karolina nodded thoughtfully, but stayed quiet. And Spencer wondered how much the tiny brunette knew. The murders in Rosewood had gained national attention once Spencer's involvement came to light. The media had painted her as a seductress that had cajoled Garrett Reynolds into being her fall guy because she hadn't wanted to get her hands bloody in getting rid of Alison DiLaurentis, her main competition. Ian Thomas had spurned her advances, so they had framed him for Alison's murder. Maya St. Germain had unwittingly found evidence and she had to be silenced. All the secrets and lies eventually unraveled.

That's what people knew then. Other news stories came and went, pushing Spencer Hastings out of the media spotlight and people's minds. Completely forgotten.

"They're nice people. And forgiving. I'm sure if you just talked-"

"I don't want it. Her forgiveness." Spencer looked down at the kitchen tiles. "I just want to be left alone."

"So what are you going to do?" Karolina asked. "Are you still going to quit?"

"I can't." Spencer hoped the words she had thrown at Emily earlier would keep the other woman away, even if it bought her just a brief reprieve. She just needed more time. This wasn't over.

"Then I'm glad." Karolina brushed her hand over Spencer's shoulder.

After a tiring day, that left her completely drained, Spencer was ready to just fall into bed. She dragged herself up the stairs and out into the landing of her hallway. She stopped when she saw something hanging on the handle of the door to her apartment. She looked up and down the hall stupidly; knowing fully that it was completely deserted.

She slowly approached her apartment and saw that it was a dark colored hoodie. With a shaky hand, she picked up the hoodie off the doorknob. She eyed it critically and saw that it had "PENN" screen-printed across the chest in large red block letters above the logo of the University of Pennsylvania.

Spencer clenched her jaw so tightly she thought her molars would crack. After years of silence, A was taunting her. She jammed her keys into the doorknob and let herself into her apartment.

With a sudden surge of energy, the lean brunette tore up the tiny room looking for anything A could have planted to have turn up at her next surprise visit from her parole officer. Everything was the way she had left it that morning. Nothing added, nothing missing. Nothing an inch out of place. She went back to the hoodie. She checked the front pocket and found a folded piece of paper. Spencer was going to play the game, but she was going to do this her way. She opened it and read the message.

_Stay dry. - A_

The next day Spencer was wiping down a table, business as usual, when a shadow fell over her hand and the rag she was using in circular motions. She instantly tensed up, her body getting ready for a fight.

"What is this?" The shadow spoke and a box was dropped onto the table.

Spencer looked up. The uneasy feeling in her stomach had been correct. If Emily Fields had been shocked to see her, then Hanna Marin was absolutely seething.

The expression on the blonde woman's face made Spencer take a step back. She looked at her old friend. Hanna was smartly dressed in a heather grey cardigan over a plum colored wrap dress that flattered her frame and didn't hide her pregnant belly.

"I asked you a question." This wasn't the Hanna she was used to. Here was the anger she had been expecting from Emily. That she had wanted to see from Emily.

Spencer opened the box and found half a dozen cupcakes with vanilla frosting and a red letter A on each of them. Her eyes went wide. "Hanna, I didn't send these."

"Really? Because the last time I saw you, you told us that you were A." Hanna glared a hole into Spencer.

The lean brunette pulled on her sleeve, covering the crook of her right arm. Even though there weren't that many patrons in the shop during the mid-afternoon, Spencer felt their eyes watching the scene.

"When I talked to Emily yesterday, she told me you were out. That conversation ended with her in tears, and me holding her. God, I thought we were done with this. Done with you hurting her. After what you told her yesterday." Hanna exhaled sharply. "You're lucky Em made me promise not to do anything."

Hanna pointed at the box. "But this, is messed up. Even for you."

Travis or Frida must have finally gotten Nina from the kitchen because the woman had finally made her way over to them. "Ladies, if we could move this conversation elsewhere."

"I have nothing left to say to her aside from-"

"Auntie Hanna!" Teddy's voice cut through the tension. The little girl was making her way over to the three of them, her lavender backpack bobbing up and down as she weaved through the tables. Once she reached them, she gave the blonde a hug in greeting. She then put her hand on the woman's baby bump. "Hi, Baby!"

"Hi, Miss Nina!" Teddy waved at the older woman, and then finally rounded on Spencer, as Karolina joined them.

"Spencer! Oh my gosh." The little girl beamed up at her. "I drawed you something!"

"You drew me something?" Spencer gave her a nervous smile. Hanna didn't look happy to have Emily's daughter talking to her. She watched the little girl excitedly swing her backpack to the floor and take out the sketchbook she had bought her.

"Yeah! I drew your tattoos." Teddy flipped the pages what things she had drawn. She stopped on a page with what looked like four stars and a bird. She raised the sketchbook above her head "See!"

The scowl on Hanna's face only deepened. Spencer took the sketchbook from the little girl. "That's really nice."

It was the truth. It was such a bright spot in the rough time she was having. Why was this little girl so much like her mother? They both knew what to do to bring her up when she was at her lowest.

"Yay." Teddy looked proud at getting her approval. She carefully took the page out of the sketchbook and handed it to Spencer.

She didn't know what to do. Hanna was shaking like she had more to say to her. Karolina looked confused, but concerned for her. Nina was finally the one to take control of the situation.

"Teddy, that is a pretty drawing you made for Spencer. But why don't you hold on to that while I borrow your Auntie Hanna and Spencer." Nina put a motherly hand on the small girl's shoulder.

"Are they in trouble?" Teddy asked in a small voice. She looked up at each of the women, as if she finally picked up on the tension in the group.

"No. They're not in trouble. They just need to come to an understanding." Nina reassured the girl. When her boss used that tone of voice, Spencer found herself believing every word. "Why don't we have Karolina fetch you a glass of milk?"

"Okay." Teddy replied slowly. Karolina led her to a table, but the girl looked back at her adults uncertainly.

Nina gave Spencer and Hanna a stern look and walked to the kitchen. Spencer reluctantly fell into step behind her boss, feeling like a child about to be scolded. Was she about to get fired? While she had been considering quitting, having that choice taking away from her scared her. Deep down, Spencer knew she wasn't going to quit.

Not again.

Eli looked up from mixing when the three of them entered the kitchen. When she saw Spencer, the blonde woman frowned but went back to working. Spencer felt guilty. She wasn't doing drugs or purposely setting out to cause problems, but trouble still followed her around.

Hanna opened her mouth to speak, but Nina cut her off. "I don't know what this is between all of you. Either fix it or leave it out of my shop. Because this is not just a business. It's my family. So I don't appreciate you coming in here and making a scene by yelling at my employee and attacking her. While I enjoy having you as a customer, I put my employees first."

"She's-" The word came out of Hanna's mouth sharply.

"I don't want to hear it, unless it's an apology." Nina was standing with her shoulders squared, eyes blazing and motherly.

"I'm not apologizing to her. But I am giving a warning. You and your skanky tattoos stay away from Emily and my goddaughter." The usually bubbly blonde's face had a look of disgust that cut Spencer deep.

Spencer wanted to defend herself, shoot back that it was Emily that needed to stay away from her. But she wasn't used to Hanna being so angry with her. Even when she had gotten Caleb to help them hack A's phone, Hanna had just been frustrated with her, but the girl was still loyal and they had quickly made up. Taking Hanna's loyalty and trust, and stomping all over it wasn't the worst thing that Spencer had done. It had been hurting Emily, hurting all of them. That was abandonment in Hanna's eyes.

Hanna left the kitchen, and Spencer finally took a breath. She looked down at her shaking hands.

"You okay, Spencer?" Gone was the fierce Mama Bear, and back was the gentle comforting Nina.

"Thank you. For defending me." It was still such a strange feeling to be looked after. Even when it was her mistake that was causing problems.

"Like I told you on your first day, we're a family here. I take care of mine." Nina took her hand in her own and squeezed it reassuringly.

The sense of belonging was something Spencer hadn't felt in so long. She had a family once, the one she had made with her friends. She had given up everything to protect them.

In prison, Spencer had kept to herself at first. Everyone became someone else to survive on the inside, and she had decided on tough, untouchable loner that interacted with others when she needed something. It was an easy mask to wear, since it was one she had worn her sophomore year after Alison's disappearance and the four of them growing apart.

But it was as if she had a target on her back the moment she was put into general population with the other inmates, drawing the ire of a few and the romantic interest of one.

Karolina popped into the kitchen. "Hey. I'm going to take the kid home."

The lean brunette nodded. "That's probably for the best."

"Teddy wants to say goodbye, especially to you Spencer. You still need to get your drawing." Karolina said cheerfully.

Eli put a tray of cinnamon buns into the oven. "You can bring her around anytime you know. We love having her."

"Sure do." Nina agreed. Spencer appreciated the two women coming up with a way for the little girl to still visit the shop. She would be there for the two of them, and Spencer would happen to be around.

"Right, let me grab her. So Hanna can clear out of here." Karolina examined Spencer, to see if mentioning her former friend's name would cause more discomfort. "I'm really sorry that happened."

"I was expecting it." Spencer said slowly. But she hadn't really known how terrible it would make her feel for it to finally happen. To someone on the outside, it must have been brutal to witness.

"Still."

"I'll be fine." Spencer hoped that this wouldn't be another lie she told herself.

Karolina came back to the kitchen with Teddy, who said goodbye to Nina and Eli both. She had saved Spencer for last.

Teddy came up to her slowly, the drawing in her hands. "You don't look mean."

Spencer stayed quiet. She knew what she looked like to herself. Someone that lied and was cruel in order to get what she wanted. Even without the scars and tattoos, she was ugly.

"Auntie Hanna said that you were in prison, but only mean people go to prison. You're nice. So maybe she was wrong." Teddy worked out with her innocent logic.

Spencer felt the sting of tears in her eyes.

"Can I hug you now?" Teddy asked cautiously.

Spencer nodded and got on level with the little girl. Tiny arms found their way around her. She was surprised, but soon she returned the hug. They fell out of the hug. Spencer gave her a smile after she stood up.

"I like when you smile. You look better when you smile." Teddy handed her the drawing that was slightly crumpled in the corner from the hug. "Bye, Spencer."

"Bye, Teddy."

Karolina gave her goodbyes as well. And then the two of them were gone.

"That little girl is right you know." Nina had her arms loosely crossed. "You do look better when you smile." Her boss went back to baking, and Spencer went back to work.

When the universe gives you a moment of reprieve, it would just as soon make things even more complicated. Spencer found that out three days later, when Paige McCullers came into the shop.

It was bound to happen. Emily and Hanna had taken their turn with her, and now in it was time for Paige to get her punches in. She was just surprised that it had taken that long for the other woman to show up.

"Spencer." Paige stood in front of her at the counter. The woman was so much more confident, more self-assured than that freshman that had been angry all the time. There was no weight carried on her shoulders. She projected the air of someone that was important, and part of that had to do with what she was wearing.

The other woman was wearing a charcoal gray pinstripe tailored suit that she wore well with a matching vest over a white button up shirt. Spencer felt shoddy in comparison, wearing only jeans with a white thermal shirt layered with a blue henley shirt.

Paige had on glasses, but that didn't hide that the fact she had a scattering of tiny pockmarks around her eye, a small hollow in her cheek and a long shallow groove on the side of her face, like directions to her eye from her ear, a roadmap of damage.

Spencer was curious as to what happened, but not curious enough to ask. Maybe Paige would give her the same courtesy about her own scars.

"Alright. Let's get this over with." Spencer gritted out. She took off her apron, and went to hang it up. She looked over at Solomon, who nodded. Spencer started towards the back, but Paige stopped her.

"Have you eaten yet? I was hoping I could buy you lunch." Paige asked brightly, but there was a bit of a smirk on her face.

Spencer felt insulted. That Paige had come in only to show off, to lord it over how much her life was better. The life Spencer had wanted for herself. Karolina had said Teddy's parents were successful, a surgeon and a lawyer. Since she had already met Dr. Fields, here was Paige McCullers, Attorney at Law.

"We can talk here." Spencer crossed her arms.

"There's a restaurant around the corner. I booked the private room. We'll talk there." Paige raised an eyebrow in challenge.

Whatever they were going to talk about, Paige didn't want an audience. The conversation with Emily, and the one she had with Hanna had taken place in very public places. While she didn't want to go anywhere with Paige McCullers, she didn't want a repeat of her boss and co-workers bearing witness to her screwed up past colliding with her mediocre present.

"Karolina, can you tell Nina I'm going to lunch with Paige?" Spencer announced more than asked. Karolina and Solomon would know where she went and who she had gone off with in case something happened. But in all likelihood, if anything happened the authorities would side with the lawyer over the ex-con.

She let Paige lead the way. The two of them were quiet as they walked to the restaurant. Spencer used the silence against Paige, hoping to make her squirm. And also to think about what Paige would say to her.

The Paige McCullers she had known in high school would have stormed into the coffee shop and raged at her, much like Hanna had. She would threaten her; tell her to stay away from her wife and kid. But Paige had come in calmly and invited her to lunch. That didn't mean she trusted the other woman.

"Here we are." Paige opened the restaurant door with a hand in her pocket, and let Spencer go in first.

When the hostess saw her, the woman gave her a look of distaste, but she brightened when she saw Paige enter behind her. "Mrs. McCullers, we just finished preparing your private room." She grabbed two menus. "Right this way."

Again Spencer followed behind Paige, looking around the small restaurant. The color of the place was light with black and white tiled floors. The walls were painted brown and one red accent wall. The tables were black with wooden chairs. There was a short hallway in the back. The hostess opened a door that lead to a small room with a table for two set up inside.

Once the two of them were seated at the table, the hostess left them the menus. Spencer squinted at the menu, which offered a selection of bistro inspired options like "Crab Cake with Sliced Mango and Lobster Butter Sauce, Penne Pasta with Rock Shrimp and Roasted Garlic Sauce, and Roasted Squab Breast with Garlic & Herb Salsify and Papaya Salsa. There were also gourmet burgers with different meats and toppings and sauces. The menu items were reasonable, but they were way out of Spencer's price range.

"The Grilled Chicken Breast Morocco is good. And so is the salmon." Paige offered.

Spencer flicked her eyes up at Paige. "What is this?"

Paige held her hand up to silence her as their waiter came with a basket of Forccacia bread and he poured out mix of olive oil and balsamic vinegar from the two bottles that had been on the table.

"Are you ladies, ready to order?"

"We'll have the artichoke and spinach dip to start. Did you need more time to decide?" Paige gave her a gentle smile that made the marred side of her face soft.

There was a life there in the woman, another thing Spencer was green about. She glanced down at times, to hide her scar and nose. But Paige didn't seem to let the ruins own her. And maybe Spencer would too, if she had Emily at her side. She wouldn't mind the stares, because she'd be too captured by the dark skinned woman's entirety. Emily would own her completely, but she'd be free.

Spencer gritted her teeth, then returned to the menu. Once upon a time she had been familiar with roulades and gnocchi, but after years of prison mystery meat, the words were foreign in her mouth and the food would probably taste just as strange on her tongue. She settled on something simple. "I'll have the beef tenderloin."

"Good choice. And how do you want it cooked?" Their waiter, Thomas, looked at her to answer expectantly.

"Medium rare." It was the way Spencer had always ordered her steak in the before. Whatever the menu had said all those days in the dining hall, Chicken a la King or roast turkey or salisbury patty, it was all the same mystery meat that tasted the same. She knew once the steak finally came out, after it had been marinated in house spices and hickory grilled, that she would find the taste intense.

"And to drink?"

"Just some water."

Paige ordered the grilled chicken dish she had recommended earlier and a glass of lemon ice tea. Thomas quickly repeated their orders and went off to the kitchen leaving the two of them alone to speak privately.

"So let me ask my question again. What is this?" Spencer crossed her arms over her chest.

Paige responded by taking something out of her suit jacket. She set it on the table and Spencer saw that it was a small device. The lawyer pressed something on the side, apparently turning it on. At Spencer's raised eyebrow, Paige answered. "So we can talk freely."

"Well?"

"Straight to the point. You always were." Paige smiled, then started. "This is about Emily. And it's about you. What you know. What you're going to do. About A."

"Why should I tell you?" Spencer sneered.

"Because what I want most for Emily is for her to be safe. And for her to be happy." Paige started Spencer down. And she had to wonder if this was how she was in court. "If I told Emily to stay away from you, she wouldn't listen. We both know that if she sets her mind out to do something, she'll do it."

Spencer looked down again, knowing Paige was right. Emily was going to try to see her again. And now that she knew that A was definitely back, it was going to be dangerous. "It's not safe."

"I know."

"I don't think you do." Spencer looked up at Paige. The other woman had no idea what she was getting herself into.

"That's where you're wrong." Paige took her glasses off. "I went digging around in your case. Your mom left notes, and I followed on some of her leads. And on some of my own. I must have been getting close to the truth because," She brought her left hand up to trace the along the scar on her face up to her eye.

Spencer's eyes widened at finally seeing the other woman's hand. It still had a thumb and forefinger, but the remaining fingers were replaced by a sleek shiny prosthetic, like something out of a science fiction novel.

"Because," The woman continued steadily, "I got told to back off in the form of a letter bomb. So don't tell me I don't know what dangerous is. I lost three fingers and an eye."

Spencer thought A had kept quiet while she was away. But she realized that the deal she had made was to keep Emily, Hanna and Aria safe. Everyone else was fair game.

"All courtesy of your friend A."


	8. Chapter 8

Author's note:

Hi again. If feels like ages since I updated. In med school, a week feels like a month. I just finished a week of finals and it feels like years. Sorry I didn't get this up soon. I've been curled up in bed sick with some kind of stone, kidney vs. gallbladder. I'm taking pain meds and waiting for results.

So this chapter is Paily heavy. As in Paily have sex. Yes. Everyone reading this is like WHERE IS THE SPEMILY? Like Paige has said more words to Spencer than Emily has. I'm trying to build it up. Just bear with me guys. Getting from point A to point B has a lot of detours sometimes. If you don't want to read the Paily sex scene... it starts after the first flashback and then ends before the second flashback, which are both in _italics._

Thank you to my friend and beta, AJ for helping me out this chapter. As always reviews are welcome, even if it's to tell me to hurry up with the Spemily.

Disclaimer: I don't own Pretty Little Liars. And maybe it's a good thing. It would be angsty as hell.

* * *

Emily wrapped her arms around her wife's waist, and kissed the nape of her neck. "How was work today?"

"It was good. We're so close. It feels like a win." The lawyer turned to face her, and put her hands on Emily's hips and pulled her closer.

"We should celebrate then." Emily shifted and put her arms around the other woman's neck, her tone entirely suggestive.

"What did you have in mind?" Spencer's voice went deep and husky. The shorter brunette grinned seductively. It was just the two of them, in their bedroom.

"I think you know." Emily brought her leg up between Spencer's and brought her hands to undo the top button of the woman's blouse. "Stupid buttons."

"Just rip it. I'll buy a new one." Spencer's grin grew wide.

"Don't tease me." Emily was frustrated, but did as the brunette said and ripped the shirt open. The buttons scattered onto the floor. Spencer picked Emily up and brought her to their bed. She took Emily's shirt off and then kissed a trail down brown skin, before looking up at her.

"Em, are you sure?"

Emily woke up with a start. She was so hot and bothered. She needed a cold shower and to finish herself off. She got undressed and got the shower started, slipping in. She had been having dreams about Spencer lately. Dreams where Spencer hadn't ended up in prison, dreams where they had a life together.

It wasn't fair to Paige. She still loved the other woman. But they were having problems lately. Paige had been pulling away. She was distant, and maybe it was just the surgeon's imagination but she thought other woman felt some resentment towards her. For treating her like she was delicate and could break. It was just that Emily felt guilty whenever she saw the scars on her wife's torso, where they took shrapnel out of her skin. She blamed herself.

She still remembered that day. It was impossible to forget. The blood and torn tendons. The right side of Paige face. She had wanted to surprise the lawyer at her office.

_"Just imagine how excited Mama is going to be when she sees us." Emily pushed a squirming Teddy in her stroller off the elevator. She had finished her shift, but still had enough energy left to strap the toddler into her stroller and go out to buy coffee and cupcakes from their favorite shop to bring to her wife._

_Emily stopped by Paige's secretary, Sharon's desk. "Is she in?" She handed the older woman a cup of coffee, and she took it appreciatively._

_"You're a sweetheart. Yes. I think she's just checking mail." Sharon nodded. She left her desk to get a good look at Teddy in her stroller. "Aww. She's gotten so big. The last time I saw her was when Paige was holding her at the hospital. She was just a tiny thing then. She looks like her mommy now. Look at those gorgeous brown eyes. And that thick, beautiful hair." The older woman smiled up at Emily. "And your mama is one of the best lawyers we have, we'd be lost with -"_

_A loud pop, not unlike a gunshot, sounded off in Paige's office. Emily looked at Sharon confused, before she rushed to her wife's office and threw the door open. "Oh God. Paige!"_

_Paige was crumpled on the floor. Emily rushed to her side. When she saw all the blood and torn skin, what was left of Paige's eye, she felt bile rise in her throat. She forced it back down and started working on her wife. There was a smell hanging the air, under the chemicals, one that Emily remembered from the OR when they used a cautery pen to ligate bleeders closed. Burned flesh. "Call an ambulance," she screamed._

_There was just so much blood. She had been inside bodies before, scheduled surgeries and emergency ones alike. Those times she had been calm and systematic, like she was trained to do. It was so different when it was a loved one under your hands. But she had to pull herself together. _

_"Em?" Paige slurred, her right eye more like a bloody crater. Emily could see through to the bones and muscle she had learned in anatomy via a cadaver. Then, it had been a scalpel blade making precise incisions to expose the zygomaticus major and minor, or the obicularis oculi. This was not caused by the skilled hand of a surgeon, but an impatient monster wanting to tear things apart. "The baby's crying." She started coughing up blood as she tried to sit up. The doctor stopped her gently. _

_"Yeah. We wanted to surprise you." She had to keep Paige awake. "We brought your favorite cupcake. Coconut. Just stay still. Don't try to move."_

_One of the other lawyer's ran into Paige's office with a first aid bag. "Fuck!"_

_"Pass me that!" Emily shouted at the man. She knew that he and Paige were close, but she couldn't remember his name at the moment even though he had organized Paige's baby shower, and had been at Paige's birthday dinners. She hazarded a guess. "Adam, look at me."_

_"Her hand." Adam was panicking, which made her look at her wife's hand. _

_Paige's left hand was mangled, bone and tendons bent at impossible angles like a frayed rope. She'd go into shock from bleeding out. The human body had 5.6 liters of blood, and going below 40% of that amount would mean death. That was the danger. _

_"Adam, give me the bag." Emily commanded him, and he came over. She attended to Paige's injuries as best as she could, until EMS arrived. Emily got into the ambulance, and Sharon shouted that she would bring Teddy along to St. Luke's. It was the nearest facility equipped to handle the kind of trauma Paige had experienced._

_She watched from the gallery as her teachers and colleagues operated on her wife. She was still wearing her clothes covered with Paige's blood. She couldn't leave. She didn't want Paige out of her sight, even just for one second to change clothes. To be on the other side, to be the wife waiting on any kind of news, was devastating. Before she had only been able to offer the family members sympathy, not understanding what they were going through completely. Camille looked up at her from the operating table. She was assisting Dr. Parkinson, attending ENT and Head of Plastic Surgery work on Paige's eye and face, while Dr. Gentry and Dr. Adeyemi worked on her thorax._

_Riyadh came and kept her company while they waited. He handed her a scrub suit top. She made no movement to change. "Your parents are here. They have Teddy."_

_They were silent for several beats. "I don't know how anyone could do this. What kind of sick fuck would do this?"_

_Emily stayed quiet. She had gotten a text message while attending to Paige. She didn't have to check it to know whom it was from. Only one person would have sent a text then._

_Her phone screen was flashing with a message. She opened it, confirming her fears._

_Curiosity killed the pussy. -A_

Emily let the cold water wash over her. Three of Paige's fingers had to be amputated. And while Dr. Parkinson did his best job on minimizing the scarring on her face, Paige's eye couldn't be saved. The blood that collected in her lungs had to be drained. It was Emily that consented to all of the procedures, knowing what saying no would mean for Paige. After months of physical therapy and counseling, Paige returned to work, determined to not let her injuries hold her back. She became more active than before, if that was possible, picking up rowing again and learning how to fire a pistol, determined to prove she was more than her body.

But Emily still worried about her, and always would.

The door to the bathroom opened, followed by the shower stall door. Strong arms wrapped around her waist. Paige planted a kiss on her shoulder.

"Hi." She was still slick with sweat from her morning run.

"Paige. Teddy-"

"Is still sleeping. I checked in on her before hopping in here with you." Paige answered her, before planting another kiss on her skin. "Why's the water so cold?"

Paige reached around and turned the knob for hot water, the temperature warming up to something more tolerable. Then she placed her hands on Emily's hips, and slowly turned her around. Paige dropped to her knees, making Emily gasp as her teeth grazed the inside of her thighs.

Emily, who had long given up trying to deny that she needed this, parted her legs to give her wife better access to her throbbing core. Paige ran her good hand up her thigh- kneading it greedily before reaching her thumb up and gently toying with her entrance. It was wet and warm and so inviting. At the same time her tongue was lazily running alongside each of her silk folds, teasing them. Making Emily's body rock forward with each chaste lick. Paige moaned as the musky taste coated her tongue. The other woman's body quaked at the sensation she had needed for so long. Paige let her tongue guide down, replacing her thumb, she hungrily thrusted herself inside her wife, making her groan out a throaty "_Yes_". She tongued her center mercifully.

The hand that had been holding onto the railing to the left of them was now threading itself through Paige's wet hair. Pulling, if at possible, her closer to her need. Paige's fragile hand was cupping, as best as it could, to the underside of Emily as the other snaked its way up her stomach; scratching the heated, quivering skin as it did so. Once her fingertips touched the delicate flesh above, it roughly grabbed Emily's peak mound, alternating between caressing it gently to tweaking the perked nipple. Emily hissed and groaned each time she did. But Emily wanted, no needed _more_.

A sweet whimper escaped her throat before the name she'd uttered so many times slipped past her lips. "..._Paige_" was all she could muster but it was enough to make her wife look up at her. Emily stared down at her. Her face etched with pain. For a hot second Paige's face flashed. It wasn't her. It wasn't her wife. It was _Spencer _and it made the guilt that she'd been trying to squelch rise up with new fury. _Spencer_continued to lap at her entrance, tonguing and tasting all that she had to offer. It was too much and yet she never relented in her hips desperate rutting.

Emily could feel herself starting to clench around her wife's thrusting tongue but she couldn't stop her mind's ruthless thoughts from interrupting the moment. Even through the rush of the water she could feel her eyes burn with the lie, her secret betrayal. The hand that had been kneading her breast was suddenly clutching her hand; yanking her from her thoughts.

"Emily..." she whispered.

Through the cascading stream, she found Paige's face-, which seemed to be filled with unyielding compassion. And the sight unleashed a pain inside Emily that ripped through her like a brush fire. Paige nodded to her and Emily returned the gesture, letting her know she was there, and with a renewed vigor, Paige latched on to Emily's clit.

"Oh, God... Paige," Emily moaned as she canted her pelvis into her wife's mouth. With their fingers entwined, Emily came with a cry. Tears streamed down her face as her wife continued to gently suck and tongue at her swollen bud, bringing her down but yet prolonging her orgasm. Emily shuddered and whined at the overstimulation, and eventually pulled herself away from Paige's hungry mouth.

The water still running, Emily pulled Paige back up to her feet. Her wife searched her face, concern and confusion written on her own. She cupped Paige's marred cheek with her hand, the right side uneven but still smooth in her palm. She crashed their lips together, and it was still there. That love for her wife. But what she felt for Spencer never went away.

They finished up their shower, which did nothing to wash away her guilt. She still didn't feel clean. And it made her chest tighten, the secret bearing down on her. Emily grabbed her robe and wrapped it around her like a security blanket, like armor. Paige wrapped a towel around her torso, then she started towel drying her hair, wearing the widest grin. One that was only for her.

And a confession came pouring out, slowly at first but then the dam burst. Flooding the bathroom with tension. "It was Spencer. I was thinking about Spencer." _I can't stop thinking about Spencer._

A flash of hurt surged onto Paige's face, replacing the confusion as realization set in.

"Finally hearing that out loud." Paige shook her head, as if that would shake loose the truth. She let out a bitter laugh. "I always suspected. That you always had feelings for her. I get it though. Perfect Spencer Hastings." It was like her wife was looking right through her.

"Paige, it won't-"

"Won't what?" Paige's voice finally rose. She threw the damp towel at the sink, and some of the bottles kept there toppled over making Emily flinch. "Happen again?"

Emily knew how stupid it would be to promise that. She had no control over herself when it came to Spencer. It was what Paige needed to hear though. And it was what Paige wanted to believe. So she said it. "You have me. Okay. You still have me."

Paige was breathing heavily. She looked at Emily, cutting her with a pained glance. Looking like angry words were caught in her throat. She stormed out of the bathroom.

Tears welled up in Emily's eyes, no shower to hide them this time. Paige had every right to be upset with her. Her wife was loyal, and absolutely devoted to her, in love with her ever since freshman year. Her eye never strayed, and neither did her thoughts. Paige was all about Emily, and then they started a family. Emily couldn't have asked for a better wife. But she was selfish.

She wiped her eyes and went to the sink to straighten up the products and bottles. Nothing had broken or spilled. They just had to be righted, and put back in their place. Emily blow-dried her hair, giving Paige more time to be alone.

When she went into their bedroom, Paige had her prosthesis on and was getting dressed, stumbling over the buttons of her shirt in frustration. Getting dressed by herself in the weeks after the accident wasn't a possibility for Paige, let alone the other tasks like making dinner or holding their daughter. It hadn't been easy at first.

_"I can't do this." Paige slammed her laptop close. The two of them were sitting at the kitchen island, and Teddy was in her high chair. She had been slowly typing out an email, and Emily had been listening to her growls of frustrations, while feeding Teddy pureed carrots._

_"Paige, just take it slowly. You need to heal." Emily tried to sooth her wife. Teddy started babbling again._

_"I am. It's just going too slowly. How am I supposed to do anything?" Paige looked at her wife forlornly. She gestured to the right side of her face, where there was still a bandage and where she was wearing an eye patch. She hid her broken hand underneath her good one._

_Teddy smiled at her mama and reached out for her. "Ma!"_

_"She wants you." Emily ran her hand along Paige's forearm. She was glad when her wife didn't jerk away._

_"I don't want to drop her." Paige murmured, a mix of fear and sadness playing on her face. She ran her good hand over her daughter's head, smoothing down her soft hair. The toddler flailed out her chubby arms, squeezing and unsqueezing her fingers._

_"You won't. I'll help you." Emily took Teddy out of her high chair and then handed her to Paige, who held her in her arms cautiously, then a little more relaxed. "See you have her. And you have me."_

It was getting too painful to watch, so Emily went to help Paige with her shirt, knowing that it was her wife's frustrations that had her tripping up over the buttons.

But Paige shrugged out of her reach. "Don't."

Emily bit her lip. She was hurt but she deserved that. Paige moved away from her with a sigh.

"Are you free later? I was thinking we could have lunch." Emily asked slowly, as she tried to extend an olive branch, with a hopeful smile. She wanted to brush her hands along her wife's toned stomach. She wanted to feel Paige pressed up against her again. She was wearing one of Emily's favorite suits, one that always drove her crazy.

"I have to work. I'm meeting a client." Paige was keeping her sentences short and brief.

She felt disappointed that Paige was busy for lunch, that she was far from being forgiven. Things between them had felt just like before, thoughts of Spencer aside. She had forgotten what Paige could do to her, how Paige could make her moan.

It was Emily that broke her promises. She remembered the ghost of Spencer's lips on her skin. Even though it hadn't really happened, she bit her lip, and looked down.

Emily longed to tug on her wife's suit jacket, pull her in closer. She tried to get rid of the awkward silence between them. "So you must be trying to impress someone if you're wearing this." It was a charcoal gray pinstripe three-piece suit that went well with the white blouse she had on. The sheath of her prosthetic peeking out of her sleeve, the replacement digits distinct from her finger and thumb.

"Yeah. You can say that." Paige paused, a grimace forming on her face, and then she sighed. "Spencer. I'm going to see Spencer."

Emily's brow furrowed, and she backed away from Paige. "What are you going to do? Tell her to stay away from me? Hanna already did that. And Spencer's not exactly seeking me out." The other woman was doing her best to push her away at the moment.

"But that doesn't stop you, does it?" Paige said harshly. "We're going to have a nice little chat. Just to see what she knows."

"Don't start this up again. You're a lawyer, Paige. Not a detective, so don't play at being one. It's not your job." Emily took her wife's maimed hand in between hers, silently pleading with her wife to get her to drop the matter. It was her fault Paige had gotten involved in the first place. She put her wife in A's crosshairs, and she was why she had to relearn how to do basic life skills.

_Paige's physical therapist had told them about the prosthesis her second week of rehab. That she could finally be fitted for one when her wounds were fully healed. Emily hoped her wife qualified for it. When she was in pre-med, artificial limbs were already making advancements towards replacing lost body parts, using muscle contractions and remnant digits to control the limb. _

_The day came for Paige to try on the artificial digits. They were as close as man could get to making a functioning hand, doing Mother Nature's job as best as they could. Emily watched as Paige joyfully gripped the digits around a wooden block and stacked it on top of another block. It was something so simple, but previously impossible. Her wife was beaming up at her, the eye patch doing nothing to diminish how happy she looked._

After weeks of training with the new fingers, Paige had been able to do tasks just like she had been before the accident. Emily felt that her wife was just happy to be fully capable of being able to take care of her family again, having defined herself as a provider. Without that, Paige would be lost.

Now she could still tie Teddy's shoes and braid her hair. While nothing could be done yet about her lack of depth perception, the ocular prosthesis looked just as realistic as her remaining eye once she got one. She took up pistol shooting, just to prove it wasn't a limitation, and she could still drive, she just had to renew her license every year. She joked that she could bring the eye patch out to intimidate Teddy's future dates and around Halloween for an easy pirate costume. Paige's outlook on life was great. She claimed that she couldn't have done it without Emily by her side but it's was because of Emily that Paige had to go through any of this at all.

"Mama?" Teddy called out from down the hall.

"Well, she's up. I'll get her ready for school. We'll talk about this later." Paige spared one last look at Emily before leaving their bedroom. Paige's tone had been brisk, a promise made. They were going to talk, when Paige had calmed down and they would not be in danger of saying something they couldn't take back, anything more damaging than "I was thinking of someone else".

Emily frowned but finished getting ready for her shift, needing to be at the hospital by 7. She went to the kitchen where she found Teddy already dressed, sitting at the kitchen island, eating breakfast with Paige. There was a plate set for her, a thick, hearty Spanish omelette and two slices of toast.

"Hi Mommy!" Teddy bounced in her seat. "Do you want some of my cereal?"

"I wish I could Baby Girl. But I'm running a bit late." Emily went to her and kissed the top of her head. She had to leave now if she wanted to make a stop before the hospital.

Paige frowned, "What about breakfast?"

"I was just going to pick something up on the way to work." Emily confessed. She had planned to stop by Cupcake-a-Coffee, grab some coffee and her usual muffin. Talk to Spencer.

"Emily." Paige pressed. She nodded at the empty seat, across for her.

Emily relented, sitting down and picking up the fork. She started eating the breakfast that her wife had made for her. Showing up at Spencer's work wouldn't have ended well. She probably would have ended up getting banned by Nina if she approached Spencer like she had in the hospital. Hanna had told her how the owner had sided with Spencer, all firm and Mama Bear like, when she had stormed inside the shop even though she told the blonde not to do that. Emily was glad that someone was looking out for the other woman, even though she wished that Spencer would let her be that someone. Not to mention Paige wouldn't be happy with her going.

"Any thoughts for what you want for your birthday?" Paige asked their daughter, not wanting to punish the girl with the cold shoulder she was giving Emily. "It's next month. The big Oh Six."

Emily couldn't believe that it was already the first day of October. The month would end with Halloween, and a trip to Rosewood for her mother, who liked to observe All Saint's Day. A week later would be their daughter's sixth birthday. She started planning for the party the little girl would want, and how she could use that.

"A little brother." Teddy stated after some thought. Paige gave a slight chuckle.

Emily gave a small smile. She quickly finished off her omelette. "That's up to your mother." Emily and Paige both wanted another child, but with the attack, Paige hadn't been able to carry another child just yet. They had looked into surrogates and then adoption; eventually the plans to have another child fell apart. The problems between them had already started to show. They had to fix them first.

"A puppy then?" Teddy asked innocently enough, smiling in that little way that got Paige to give in a majority of the time.

Emily shook her head. Teddy already knew how to work her mother, a dog being what she originally wanted. She was quite the little haggler.

"We'll see." Emily answered for her wife, as she stood up to brush her teeth before finally leaving. Finally finishing up, she received her goodbye hug from Teddy and was out the door. Paige said goodbye with a tight smile.

Today's shift had been stressful for Emily. It had started off well, but got worse with the argument with Paige. Her scheduled surgeries went well. But there had been a MVA involving a family of three and a delivery truck. The driver of the delivery truck had walked away fine. But the father had died at the scene. The mother had a broken arm and a head injury, and the 16-year-old son was probably going to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Life had a way of changing in one moment.

On her way home, Emily had bought a pack of Marlboro lights from the convenience store on the corner. The clerk had given her a wink as he passed the pack and disposable lighter to her, like he knew she'd be back. At the last minute she had bought a Snickers bar, knowing she'd regret it if she had to go up another dress size again after the holidays. She could already feel the beginnings of a pinch from the waist of her size 12 jeans.

She had finished the chocolate off on the rest of the way home, and she tossed the wrapper into the bin in the lobby. She had been about to head back out to sneak a cigarette, before going up to the apartment but Paige had arrived with a box full of take out, getting home too late to start on dinner.

They finished up dinner, most of the conversation dominated by Teddy recounting her day at school. Afterwards, Paige got their daughter ready for bed, while Emily went onto the small balcony for a cigarette. She watched the streetlights, and the cars pass by below. Things were never easy. She took a drag, and felt that familiar buzz in her chest and head. What was she going to do?

The sound of a sliding door opening again and Paige joined her for the second time when she was deep in thought. Her wife crossed her arms, but didn't say anything as Emily exhaled the smoke she had been holding in. There was no hiding what she was doing, and part of her wanted to be caught. She wanted Paige to comfort her after the day she had.

"I started a pot of coffee, if you want to join me in the kitchen after you finish up here." Paige leaned against the door jam, but she didn't come over like Emily had hoped. "Bad day?"

"Yeah." Emily put her cigarette out, feeling her eyes start to water. She sniffled. Whenever the stress had gotten to her, Paige would hold her. When Emily had done badly on a test or when she lost a patient, Paige would take her into her strong arms and comfort her. And when Spencer didn't want to see her, Paige would hug her in the car and they stayed in the prison's parking lot.

Paige came over to her and wrapped one arm around her shoulders. "I'm sorry. Let's go into the kitchen. I bought you a box of your favorite cookies." The two of them went into the kitchen, and there was a box of French butter creams from Cupcake-a-Coffee on the table.

"You only get these when you want to apologize." Emily eyed the cookies wearily as she sat down.

Paige poured two cups of coffee, and prepared one with two spoonfuls of sugar and a splash of hazelnut creamer for Emily and a cup of black for her. "Well, you're not going to like what happened."

"And that is?" Emily pursed her lips. Her wife was really good at closing deals with corporations, schooling her emotions to get the most favorable outcome for her firm. It's why she had made partner so quickly. But here in their apartment, Emily always had the upper hand.

"Spencer is my client now." Paige crossed her arms. She didn't have to explain further. Emily knew what that meant. For some reason, her wife had agreed to be Spencer's attorney. What ever they talked about was now protected by the attorney client privilege. It would be unethical for Paige to break that confidentiality. The lawyer always kept her word.

"Why? You planning to take A to court? And, who came up with that idea?" Emily tried not to raise her voice. Paige was probably hoping for this outcome, even if it had been likely that Spencer was the one that had voiced the idea out loud. "You know. After all this time, Spencer still hasn't changed. Keeping secrets to protect me. And you're just the same way. I never really noticed how similar the two of you are. You both pull machismo crap like this."

Paige had the decency to look guilty. "I'm sorry. It's not for me to tell you."

Emily's eyes welled up in anger and frustration. She couldn't blame Paige or Spencer. Both women had been hurt and scarred by this, more than she ever could. They believed they were protecting themselves and most importantly her.

This was all because of A. This was A's fault.

"Why did this happen? What did we do to deserve this? We were just kids then. And Spencer. Why single her out?" The tears started to fall freely, and she felt Paige at her side, holding her steady, and running her fingers through her hair. She would have traded places with Spencer in a heartbeat, if she could. "It should have been me."


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note: Hey guy's back again. I know this is a small update. And it's from Paige's POV. (Yeah. That's how it happened. But I had planned to write in Paige's POV from the start and this is where it showed up.) But she's part of this story. And she's wrapped around Emily and Spencer's story. I will get a "real" update out soon. Think of this as an interlude? Bear with me. As always enjoy reading, and if you do review!

Disclaimer: I don't own Pretty Little Liars.

* * *

There was something so serene about being out on the water. Paige found it calming, using the power of her body to move her shell. It wasn't all about raw strength though. The oars would slice through the water, and she would glide forward swiftly based on her graceful form. It was like swimming in that way. It was just one of the things she did to de-stress and unwind. She still ran, every morning. She would ride her bike to the pool or down to the river, very defensively. Since Emily worried about her just riding her bike, Paige rarely took her motorcycle out for a spin. She couldn't bear to sell it though. Just another part of her life she had to make adjustments to.

Her first roommate at Princeton was on the women's crew and got her into the sport. She stuck with it through law school and afterwards, preferring a single scull, which allowed her to clear her head. She wasn't just a recreational rower. She would compete in heats from time to time, and she enjoyed her wife and daughter coming to watch her race. Up until the letter bomb.

In the weeks after the attack, Paige had been broken. She had just stared up at the ceiling, becoming familiar with the number of tiles, with her remaining eye. She just put up with having her bandages changed and being prodded by her wife's colleagues. She had refused to eat, so they had put another tube into her body. She had been unable to sleep, so she would be drugged. She had nightmares; the most frequent one being where her family came into her office when the bomb went off.

It wasn't the pain that had got to her. The pain had let her know she was alive. That her life was over. That's what hurt her.

She couldn't talk to Emily, or even look at her. Which had lead her wife to believe that she blamed her for what had happened, just as much as Emily blamed herself. She had woken up one night to the sounds of her wife crying at her bedside, holding her hand and resting her head on her side.

_Sluggish to wake up completely, Paige took her hand out of Emily's. This made her wife recoil back with a hurt expression on her face. She frowned and squeezed her eye shut. She had been too tired, too selfish to see that this was affecting Emily just as much. _

_Emily's eyes were red and she looked haggard. Her clothes were rumpled and her hair was a mess. Her face was thinner, like she had dropped weight quickly. _

_Paige shifted away from her, to make room and patted the space next to her. "Come... here." She slurred. Speaking still stung her cheek, and her throat was scratchy from disuse. _

_Emily got into the hospital bed next to her, trying not to hurt her hand. She curled up as best as she could next to Paige's side. "I'm so sorry."_

_"No." Paige wrapped her arm around her wife, swallowing down the revulsion at the bandages where her fingers used to be. Emily needed this just as much as she did. "S'not your fault."_

_"It is. If it wasn't for me..." Emily whimpered, and hid her head on her chest, a need to hear her heartbeat, to know it was still there._

_"So full of yourself." Paige joked weakly, giving her wife a half smile. Veronica Hastings had been trying to prove Spencer's innocence up until the day she died. She had left behind notebooks full of research. Paige was following up on leads. She must have been getting close, which is why A sent the letter bomb. A threat. _

_"I can't take care of you like this." Paige was destroyed at the thought. That was who she was, who she defined herself as, the one that provided and looked after Emily and then Teddy. Her family. To be dependant on everyone, needing help to do simple things. She couldn't help but start to cry, tears streaming down the left side of her face. _

_One of the attendings Emily worked with had explained exactly what had been done in the initial surgery, what the damage had been. How the nerves and blood vessels in her fingers couldn't be saved. How they had to take out her eye and the surrounding structures. She couldn't even cry properly._

_"We'll get through this." Emily kissed her cheek. Paige wanted to believe that her wife was right. She could do this as long as Emily stayed by her side. She closed her eye, and waited for sleep to come. Sleep that she hoped would be dreamless._

After the succeeding surgeries and being discharged, after the physical therapy and talking to a grief counselor, Paige got fitted for her prosthesis and eventually her ocular implant. She got back into running, swimming, and biking. She could do triathlons if she wanted to, but she had missed rowing. The sport was rough on the hands to begin with, causing blisters and bleeding knuckles. She didn't want to damage her new digits. She couldn't grip the oar with just her pointer finger and thumb. So she gave up on it.

But her prosthetist called her about using a hand strap, like what the Paralympian Meghan Montgomery used for rowing. So she could row again, and she met other adaptive rowers. She had found this entire community, of people that enjoyed the sport.

And just because she wanted to prove she could, she took up pistol shooting. Most shooters shot with one eye closed anyway. She had to adjust her sight sometimes, but she could shoot on target. She owned a 686 and a XD 45. While Emily wasn't against the idea of guns, she was weary about having them in the apartment. But she trusted Paige to keep them safe, and away from Teddy. She had actually gone to the range with Paige on multiple occasions and proved to be the better shot, a holdover from when Wayne Fields had taught his daughter to shoot. Her wife understood her need for the sport. There was the focus and control, something Paige sought in her life. And there was a sense of security, a way to defend them. It was nice to have that option.

She brought her shell into dock, and got out. This morning's rowing session did nothing to calm her mind, and her thoughts were warring about her wife and Spencer Hastings. After spending the rest of the night on the couch, Paige couldn't stay home. She knew she should have gone for a long ride, not really caring about her wife's feelings when it came to the motorcycle. A part of her wanted to get back at Emily in some small way. Or maybe she should have just gone down to the gun range. Fire away at her frustrations.

Because yesterday Emily had finally confirmed what she thought all along. That she was still in love with Spencer Hastings.

It had never been a problem before. Paige had shoved those thoughts and insecurities to the back of her mind. The woman was in prison and she was with Emily. She knew how Emily had felt about Alison and Maya. But had "was" the key word there. Spencer never went away for Emily. She was a girl that Emily never got to say goodbye to and then memories she couldn't let go of.

Paige and Emily had come together as friends, at first keeping the promise she had made during the masquerade ball. She was there for Emily after Maya's body had been found, and all through Spencer's trial. She would hold the girl while she remembered her first girlfriend and her best friend, sharing stories about them.

_The two of them were lying on Emily's bed, with her head on Paige's shoulder. The judge had handed out Spencer's sentence earlier that day. The week before Spencer had surprised everyone when she pleaded "Guilty." _

_And maybe that was one of the aggravating circumstance that the prosecutor and the judge had taken into consideration when deliberating Spencer's sentence, along with her age and previous history. Veronica Hastings had asked people to write for Spencer letters of character, so Emily, Aria, and even Paige had done one. _

_Paige was glad for everyone's sake, most especially Emily's, that one couldn't be convicted based on public opinion. Or Spencer would have gotten life in prison, with most people listening to the media that had called her "The Murder Mistress." Instead, she got 25 to 35 years. She would be eligible for parole after serving 10 years. _

_The courtroom had erupted into chaos on both sides. The families of the victims had thought it was too lenient. While Mrs. Hastings, the only family Spencer had present, was practically wailing. Aria went to console the sobbing woman, while Emily was clutching onto Paige's arm, and crying into her shoulder. The judge was calling for order. Spencer was the only person that was quiet, numbly looking down at her hands. Like she accepted it, nothing to be done. When she was lead away by the court officers, Spencer didn't even look in their direction, her eyes squeezed shut and her mouth set to a thin line._

_She brought Emily home, and helped her into bed. The taller girl was silent, shaking but all cried out. Paige was there to support her friend. She would be there for as long as Emily needed her. _

_"I met her at the playground. She was on the swings, going higher and higher. And I thought that she was so brave, when she jumped off. She stuck the landing." Emily closed her eyes and gave a small smile. "I could never do that. I was afraid of heights. She saw me watching her, and smiled back at me. Those dimples." The smile deepened, as if reliving the childhood memory so vividly. _

_"Then she came over to where I was and invited me to play with her. She was so adorable then. But entirely awkward looking. All arms and knees with pigtails. And a bossy little thing. She said we should go swing together. So we do. She swung her legs and she went higher than the last time. I think she was showing off. No, I know she was showing off." Emily laughed softly. "Because she jumped off, and of course she ends up breaking her arm."_

_"But that didn't stop her. The second time I saw Spencer in the park, she was back on the swings with her cast on. She was very hardheaded, even back then. We played again, but this time we played on the jungle gym. She wanted to climb up to the top, even with that cast on her arm. Just to prove she could." _

_"When I said I was afraid to... I mean me and heights. I didn't want to get hurt. Spencer told me, she told me that I didn't need to be afraid. Of anything. Because she was there for me."_

_"And of course we climb up there. This girl I hardly knew and I already trust her. Trust her that I won't fall if she's around. She was always looking out for me. Even when we weren't friends in middle school when I got really into swimming and she started doing everything."_

_Paige listened intently. Spencer Hastings had seemed really cold to her. The type of person that made connections instead of friends. But if she considered you a friend, you were taken care of. Loved. She would do anything in her power to make sure you were safe._

_"Spencer didn't do the things she said she did. Someone so thoughtful and gentle." Emily's sobbing picked up again, and Paige started rubbing her back and wrapped her arms around her. "She couldn't have." _

She and Spencer had never been fans of each other in high school, both too competitive, too aggressive, too much alike to get along, let alone become friends. But if asked, Paige could admit that she had respected her teammate. Spencer Hastings was agile and amazing out on the field. Her body was slight, but powerful. And her legs were insanely long and gorgeous in that field hockey skirt. She wasn't blind.

Not only was she a huge presence out on the field, but in the classroom as well. She had probably been the smartest in their class, and they shared some of the same AP classes. Spencer had been well on her way to becoming valedictorian and would have gotten accepted into any college she ended up applying to with her grades and long list of extra curriculars. Then some shining career later.

She had that confidence that Paige herself lacked. She was fearless. She would have never been afraid to come out if she had been in Paige's position. She had jumped off that swing and into Emily's heart the moment they met.

She could understand why Emily could fall for Spencer. Brilliant, brave, and beautiful. The girl was perfect down on paper. Literally. Aside from Emily's stories she told that year and after every denied visit to the prison, Paige had learned more about Spencer through reading Veronica Hastings's notebooks.

The mother had collected her worries and observations down with each visit along with her own private investigations and research into the murders her daughters had apparently confessed to. She had written about how each time she visited Spencer; she was sporting a new injury or bruise, with the old scars healing around them. Most of the visits were with a sullen Spencer that let Veronica do all the talking. How she hoped that talking about what her friends were up to would get some kind of reaction, anything. Spencer wouldn't talk about what she did in prison, which just filled Veronica with more worry, being shielded from some kind of abuse even though it was evident from the marks on her daughter's skin. In following script there was her fears that she was losing her daughter, and how she wished Spencer would let Emily and Aria visit. It was the heartbreaking narratives of a mother that believed her daughter was innocent, but couldn't prove it to anyone.

The woman had known she was dying. So the notebooks were her life, aside from Spencer. Every little detail could be found in those notebooks. Everything but that last piece that could clear Spencer's name. It was one of the reasons she had hired Paige, to make sure the notebooks would go to the right person. The young lawyer had taken that upon herself, hoping to leave Emily out of it. She never told her wife about the notebooks, not even after the letter bomb attack.

That's what Paige kept in mind when she went to lunch with Spencer, trying not to lash out because of Emily's attraction. She had wanted to at first, and made plans to accordingly. She chose to wear the tailored suit that Emily loved to see her in, the suit the woman also couldn't wait to help her out of. Then she made reservations at this classy bistro she took her clients to when she wanted to make a close. She was going to flaunt her wedding band that she wore on her right ring finger with the engagement ring Emily had proposed to her with.

She was with Emily. They had a daughter and a life together. She had walked into the cafe, with a smug smile on. Success was the best revenge, after all.

But Spencer was changed, a different woman from the girl she remembered. The way she carried herself to her clothes and appearance. And her eyes. They were dimmed, shades blocking out the intensity Paige had admired her for. It would have been cruel to keep her down, and it wasn't Spencer's fault.

_Spencer's eyes widened in shock and fear, and then she stood up. "I have to go."_

_"Sit down." Paige hadn't thought she would react that badly. She was trying to be gentle with her, and had just ended up scaring her enough to run. The other woman wanted an escape, and went to the door. She tried a softer approach. "Please? I'm not accusing you or holding you accountable. For this." She squeezed the digits on her left hand. _

_"I just want to talk, like I said. If A was capable of doing this. Then who knows what else can happen."_

_Spencer came back to the table but stayed quiet. She kept her eyes down, avoiding eye contact. Paige's stomach clenched at the gesture. Even though she had been out for a couple of months, the woman was still thinking like a prisoner, submitting to her and acknowledging her dominance in the situation. Paige took the time to really look at her._

_Prison hadn't been kind. In that moment, Spencer looked older than her 33 years. Her face was worn and tired, frown lines starting to appear at the corners of her mouth. Her clothes were just as faded, most likely all that she could afford. Her hair was flat and lack luster, some of the strands falling across her face. Spencer was rubbing the crook of her right elbow, her defined forearms showing through the sleeves of her shirt. That made Paige wonder. And she also wondered about the scar on her lip, and the broken nose. Those had to be left over from fights. Spencer had been intense on the field, not the type to back down. But right now the fight looked like it was gone from her entirely, at finding out the rules had changed. _

_"Can you keep Emily safe?" Spencer spoke finally, her voice quivering and desperate. _

_Paige couldn't stay mad at the woman sitting across from her. There were reasons why she chose to do the things she did, and Paige was starting to suspect Spencer's motivations. The two of them wanted the same thing. The best for Emily._

_"Can you make Emily happy?" Paige asked._

When their orders finally came, Spencer had barely touched her steak. But they came to an agreement. Paige would find a way to show Spencer the notebooks. And Spencer asked her not to tell anything to Emily, it was an agreement made between an attorney and her client. Protect Emily at all costs.


	10. Chapter 10

Author's Note: Hey guys. Here's an update. I was trying to get the chapter following this one out on Halloween but I'm still writing it. I had one last exam Monday morning so I didn't get to work on all of the chapters.

I hope everyone that was hit by Hurricane Sandy continues to stay safe.

Disclaimer: I don't own Pretty Little Liars.

* * *

It was late October. Leaves were changing color, and pumpkin flavored items were added to Cupcake-a-Coffee's menu. Pumpkin lattes, pumpkin cupcakes and muffins. There were also Halloween themed cupcakes, with Jack-o-lanterns, black cats, and ghosts. And there were also peppermint mochas and spice cookies. They were all best sellers, as people were getting festive for autumn.

It also meant that the weather was getting cooler and Spencer couldn't get away with wearing short sleeves and just owning one hoodie any longer. She needed to get warmer clothes. She was loath to use the U Penn hoodie that A had sent, so she had donated it to a church rummage sale even though it was probably the most expensive thing she owned. While at the church sale, she had bought a couple of thick flannel shirts that looked like they would keep her warm. She was more about function over fashion and aesthetics.

While looking for a winter jacket, she had come across a box of blazers. Spencer ran rough hands over them, something precious from a past life. She picked one out of the pile, and held it up against her chest. It was odd to have a moment over a piece of clothing. She put the blazer back. That wasn't who she was anymore. She felt too old for those horse print frocks and white leggings, but to wear dresses and cardigans would feel like she was wearing a costume, like she was someone else.

She had finally found a dark green field jacket with a ripped lining that would keep her warm and safely in her budget along with the two flannel shirts. She would just have to be smart about layering. She had been on the lookout for gloves and mittens, but hadn't found any. Pockets would have to do.

The days after her meeting with Paige had gone by quickly. She hadn't seen Paige, Emily, or Teddy in weeks. Spencer didn't know if she should feel relief or longing at that. It's what she asked Paige to do, keep Emily and Teddy away from her. Even if just for a little bit. The lawyer had thought that was a bad idea, but had kept her word. She was a little surprised that Emily hadn't stormed into the shop the next day and called her an idiot. Paige must have been some kind of lawyer, knowing exactly what to say to get Emily to stay away for so long.

She also hadn't heard from A in the same amount of time, which only made her more fearful. Something had to be brewing.

Spencer took a woman's order and her payment. She put the money into the till, and counted out her change, which she passed back with the receipt. The woman smiled back at her and dropped one of the dollars into the tip box. Nina had Spencer on the register now and then, which she felt good about. It was a promotion of sorts, one that didn't come with a raise, but with an acknowledgment of trust.

"Hey, Spencer." Riyadh was next in line. He was alone though.

"Hey, Riyadh." Spencer greeted. "Camille's not with you today?"

"No. But I'm stuck babysitting this newbie doctor." Riyadh nodded his head at the door. "He's finishing up a call. I'll have a pumpkin latte, and he wanted a cup of the house blend. And four dozen French butter creams." Riyadh started taking out the money for his order as Spencer rang everything up and passed the order onto Frida. The doctor continued talking, "Yeah. Our friend Em's about to scrub in on her first solo ex-lap cholecystectomy. They sent me out to get some of her favorite cookies to celebrate afterwards."

Spencer glanced at him, which made him explain. "Oh, cholecystectomy is this procedure where you remove t-."

"The gallbladder right? I know what that is." She was confused about Emily's favorite cookie. Those had been _her_ favorite. If she remembered correctly Emily had always enjoyed a simple chocolate chip cookie. "Tell your friend congratulations."

"I'll pass it on. I don't think you met her yet. She hasn't come out with us lately. She has a kid at home. But you should meet her!" He took his change but put all of it into the tip box. "I think you'd get along."

Spencer would have been amused by the situation, if she weren't the one experiencing it. "Sure."

Since no one was in line behind him, Riyadh continued talking. "Yeah. And also you should come to The Library tomorrow. There's this Halloween thing."

"Oh. I'm working tomorrow." Spencer knew the shop would be open later than usual tomorrow for Trick or Treating kids, but definitely not open long enough to miss a party at a bar. She had to make curfew. It was a weak excuse. They both knew it. "But I'll try."

"Right. Hope to see you there." Riyadh went over to the claim area to pick up his order. Spencer was wondering how he was going to carry all of that by himself when she remembered that another doctor was with him. And that doctor was coming into the shop now.

Spencer always thought Wren Kingston looked good in scrubs. He had this boyish charm about him, and a smile that made her stomach do back flips. But his sudden appearance made her heart jump into her throat.

"There you are! Help me with these bags." Riyadh griped.

Wren hadn't noticed her yet, and she was hoping he wouldn't. She had to wonder if everyone in Rosewood had moved to Philadelphia. Who was next? Toby showing up looking to buy snicker doodles? She was getting real tired of being the universe's plaything.

No such luck was to be had, when Wren looked over in her direction. He cocked his head, trying to place her face. She turned her back on him and tried to look busy behind the counter.

"Spencer?" Wren's voice called out to her. The way her name sounded when he said it still made her heart race.

"Hi." Spencer turned around and greeted him, a forced smile plastered on her face. She still wanted to hide, to not have him see her like this. She decided she hated running into people from before.

"Wow. What are the odds?" Wren grinned. There was that smile. Just like she remembered. "It really is a small world after all."

Spencer nodded, hoping the conversation would be over soon. "Yeah. It's like everyone is in Philadelphia lately."

"I know what you mean." Wren chuckled. "I ran into Emily some weeks ago. We had dinner and caught up. We actually work at the same hospital, though not in the same departments. She didn't mention you were, uh-" He trailed off as he waved his hand around in circle, and the a silence hung between them.

Riyadh clapped his hand on Wren's shoulder. "We need to get going." He looked between the two of them, probably wondering how they knew each other.

"I need to get back to work." Spencer silently thanked Riyadh, who had no idea he was helping her out.

"But first. I would love it if we could meet over drinks. There's this Halloween thing tomorrow, if you're free."

His smile almost made her say yes. Spencer hesitated. "Like I told Riyadh, I'm slated to work tomorrow."

"Definitely some other time then." Wren cocked his head to the side, his eyes looking her up and down. "It was nice running into you again, Spencer. Plan on seeing me again now that I know where you work. Bye for now." The two doctors left, and Spencer exhaled.

"Frida, can you take over? I need a break." The high school senior nodded. "I'll get Travis to help you out." Spencer went into the kitchen where Travis was washing some dishes and pots, bobbing to the music filtering through wireless headphones. She called his name, while Eli and Nina just laughed at the scene. She punched his shoulder, which she had to admit helped relieved some of the tension she was feeling.

"Ow." He glared at her. "What?"

"Go up front with Frida. I'm going on break." Spencer smirked at the singer. He was like the little brother she never had, and sometimes glad she didn't have. He flicked soapy water at her, before drying his hands on a towel and heading up front.

Spencer grabbed a small sandwich wrapped in wax paper from a roll that Nina let her have. More like insisted she should take. If Spencer wasn't going take lunch from them, then her boss was going to make sure she was covered in other areas. She nodded at the two older women baking before going out the back door.

It was chilly outside, making Spencer grateful that she was wearing one of the flannels she had purchased earlier. She was also glad that it wasn't windy. The alley was a favorite spot of hers. The buildings' high walls would make anyone else feel closed in, but Spencer felt safer. She was wary of open spaces, where things could come at her from all sides, but in the alley, threats would only come from two directions.

She scanned the alley. There was the dumpster they shared with the Filipino restaurant next door, and some cardboard boxes propped up next to it. She sat down on the cement steps right outside the backdoor after her inspection of her surroundings turned up nothing unfamiliar.

She unwrapped her sandwich, peanut butter and banana. Taking a bite, Spencer chewed and thought. Wren and Emily. How was it that both of them were doctors at the hospital not more than ten minutes away from where she had ended up working? She didn't know what Wren specialized in, but Emily was a surgeon. She was a pediatric surgeon, and it was a profession that suited her.

Spencer was so proud of her. She had asked Paige about Emily, and found that despite everything that happened, Maya's death and her trial, the girl had been able to graduate on time and then get into Penn State on an athletic scholarship, majoring in psychology. There had been better offers, but Emily had wanted to stay in Pennsylvania, on the chance that Spencer would one day let her visit her in prison, something that made Spencer feel guilty.

But Emily graduated and then decided to go to medical school, and she got into Temple, which worked out great for Paige who went to U Penn for law. That had made Spencer's chest tighten. That Paige had gone to her dream school since had been eight years old and was married to _her _Emily.

That was why she made the deal though. So that her friends could have a chance at normal lives again. That part was successful. Emily had her family and her career. Hanna was starting a family with Caleb, taking a break from designing her latest line of clothing. Aria, a published author, was off in Prague teaching English Literature.

They were all professionals. And she washed dishes for a living.

There was a rustling from the cardboard boxes and garbage bags. Spencer tensed up, ready to take flight or fight, armed with only half a sandwich.

A dog crawled out from the pile and started coming towards her. Spencer held her breath. While it was a little on the small side, it was still an unfamiliar dog. It stopped in front of her, and she leaned away from the dog, trying to keep her distance. She didn't know much about dogs since she never had one growing up. She didn't even know what type of breed it was.

It had a chocolate colored coat with a brindle pattern up and down its back. It cocked its head, and amber eyes stared back at her, contemplating her and her sandwich.

Spencer frowned. She knew what it was like to be hungry. She tore a piece of her sandwich off and tossed it to land in front of the tiny dog. Sniffing at it first, the dog crouched down, putting its head and his front paws flat on the ground, and it's hindquarters in the air, tail wagging playfully. Worry flashed in her head, wondering if dogs could eat peanut butter or bananas. But the dog ate the small piece, and then got closer to her, stopping at her feet. It rolled over on it's back, exposing its belly.

"Hey there." Spencer reached her hand out to the dog slowly, and rubbed his belly. "You're a good boy, right?" The little dog started squirming in pleasure. She saw that he had a collar, but no tags.

The back door opened, and Eli called her name. "Karolina and Teddy are upfront. The kid wants to give you something."

Spencer stopped the belly rub, and stood up. The dog got up as well and barked at her. Eli gave the dog a look as well.

"Hmm. What do we have here?" Eli had a slight smile on her face when she saw the dog.

"I just found him out here." Spencer bit her lip as she looked back at the dog. He was sitting down patiently, eyeballing what was remaining of the sandwich and then looking back up at her.

"I'll give him some water while you talk to the kid." Eli nodded at her.

"He seems to like my sandwich." Spencer gave the blonde woman what was left of her food. She went inside and passed through the kitchen on to the front of the shop where Nina was chatting with Teddy, whose arms were flailing around excitedly.

"Hey, K. I thought you didn't watch her on Saturdays." Spencer gave the tiny brunette a nod in greeting.

"Paige had to go into court today. So she asked me to come in." Karolina shrugged.

"Hello, Teddy." Spencer smiled lightly as the little girl turned her attentions on her. While she was happy to see her, she was worried about A.

"Spencer! Hi!" The little girl ran up to her and wrapped her small arms around her waist affectionately. "I missed you."

It was odd to Spencer how quickly Teddy had become attached to her. After their first meeting, Karolina would bring her to the shop in the afternoons. Spencer would be up front cleaning tables, the little girl would alternate coloring while humming or doing a bit of homework, or she would follow Spencer around asking various questions.

_"What's air made of?" Teddy looked at the table Spencer was bussing, and then up at her new friend._

_Spencer gave it some thought. "It's made up of mostly two gases: oxygen and nitrogen. Well more nitrogen than oxygen. Around seventy percent is nitrogen and then oxygen. There are other smaller amounts of different gases like argon, carbon dioxide, and methane."_

_Teddy cocked her head to the side, and then seemingly accepted Spencer's explanation. "Okay. What do cows drink?"_

_"Water." Spencer said quickly but when she glanced at the girl, there was an unsatisfied look on her face as if she wanted her to explain further. "Just plain water. The farmers give them vitamins in their food. And baby cows will drink their mother's milk for a bit and then the farmers give them formula. Sound good?" Spencer picked up the bussing tub._

_"Yeah." Teddy smiled, but was ready with another question as they made their way to the kitchen. "How come you know so much?"_

_Closing her eyes, Spencer sighed. Reading was one of the things she did to distract herself and fill up her hours. She'd read whatever she could get her hands on books and magazines from the prison library or from her mother. For a while she had a subscription to Newsweek, and would trade around grateful for a chance to read an issue of National Geographic or Popular Mechanics. Fifteen years was a lot of time to soak up information._

_A tugging on her shirt brought Spencer out of her thoughts. "Spencer?" Teddy asked worriedly._

_"I like to read." Spencer flashed the little girl a reassuring smile, to quell her worry. "A lot. So much that I probably need glasses." She joked. But it was probably the truth. She found herself squinting a lot._

_"My mama wears glasses! She's smart too." Teddy beamed. "She's a lawyer. My mommy's smart too. She's a peds... pedtrition surgen."_

_"A pediatric surgeon?" Spencer asked as she pushed the kitchen door open with her back, and the little girl nodded as she followed inside._

_"She takes care of sick kids." Teddy waved at Nina and Eli who were baking while chatting with Karolina._

_"Ready to go Teddy?" Karolina hopped off the counter and came over to them._

_Teddy frowned. "But I has loads more questions to ask."_

_Spencer shared a look with Karolina. "Okay. You can ask one more question so make it count."_

_"Where's blood come from?" Teddy asked after much thought over what her final question would be._

_"Uh... Your mommy is a doctor. I'm sure she'd know more about this than I would." Spencer looked down at her sneakers._

_"But you know right?" Teddy whined. "Because when I ask my mommy, she says she's busy or she doesn't 'splain as good as you do. You don't get mad when I ask too many questions."_

_Spencer pursed her lip as she looked over at Karolina, who shrugged. A curious five year old could get on a tired and stressed out parent's nerves. She knew her own parents had done the same with her, when they did have time for her. _

_"Okay. Well, this is what I know about blood. It's made up of different cells. White blood cells, red blood cells, and platelets. And it's a liquid because it's all carried by something called plasma. Plasma is ninety percent water. And all the blood components, uh blood cells are made inside our bones. In the marrow." _

_"That's so cool." Teddy nodded enthusiastically. "Because if we didn't make new blood, we'd run out. And dry up."_

_"Probably. Like raisins." Spencer said wryly, but the corners of her mouth perked up at the sound of Teddy giggling._

_"You're so silly." Teddy managed to get through her fit of laughter. _

The little girl let go of Spencer's waist, a smile never leaving her face. It reminded the woman so much of the girl's mother. A smile that used to make her feel so important. That made her heart swell if she was the cause of it.

"Eli said you wanted to give me something." Spencer asked. She looked over at Karolina, who was holding Teddy's backpack. Nina told them she had to get back to the kitchen.

"Um. Yeah!" Teddy sang. She went to her backpack and pulled out an envelope. It was a shiny lavender color. She handed it to Spencer.

Spencer flipped the envelope over. Her name was printed on the front in Teddy's still evolving handwriting. "I did that. I mean my mommy helped. But it was still me."

She imagined Emily helping her daughter spell her name out correctly. How Teddy would want to write the name out herself even though her mother would have offered to do it for her.

Teddy was practically bouncing on the balls of her feet, waiting for Spencer to open the envelope. "You have to come!"

"To?" Spencer teased and shared a glance with Karolina, then opened the envelope and took the card out. It was a custom made invitation, not one of those store bought cards easily bought at a party shop. Very classy taste for a five year old, if Teddy was the one that actually picked the design out.

"To my birthday party!" Teddy beamed. "Please, please, please come!"

A birthday party. Spencer was one of those inmates that didn't like having her birthday acknowledged, having another year come and go. Those first few birthdays, before her mother died, were marked with a visit from her mother. One year, it had slipped her mind completely; only when her mother had given her a carefully picked out "Thinking of You" card did she remember that she was finally 26 years old.

She was getting better at being in social situations. She would go hang out with Karolina and Solomon sometimes. They had dragged her to a movie last Sunday, and she had balked at the price for a ticket. Some of the jokes went over her head; alluding to current events she had no idea about. Most of the time she would just go to her apartment, turning down invites to go out to dinner or get a couple of drinks. And she could finally joke around with some of the shop's regulars, a smile here and there.

But a birthday party surrounded by children. The idea made her heart race. And a bit fearful. Spencer was still working on not being nervous around Teddy. Little kids were delicate and easily damaged. And as her godmother, Hanna was probably going to be there. And Paige. And Emily. Emily was definitely going to be there.

As if sensing her apprehension, Karolina spoke up. "Yeah. Teddy thought Solomon and I were cool enough to get an invite as well, so we'll be there." She gave a bright nod.

Teddy was still looking up at her expectantly. The little girl's eyes were dangerous, a weapon. How could anyone say no to those eyes? That's apparently what got Spencer an invitation in the first place.

"Uh. Okay. Sure." Spencer replied, and found herself with an armful of one happy five year old, as Teddy rocketed up to hug her excitedly.

"Thank you!" Teddy's voice attracted the attention of some of the customers, earning a few chuckles and smiles.

Spencer set her back down carefully. "Is there anything you want?" The little girl was probably used to getting nice gifts. Nice, expensive gifts.

"Um..." Teddy's body jingled and shook with a decision. "Mommy said _you _didn't hafta. You being there is enough. But I want a puppy."

"A puppy?" Spencer asked thoughtfully, the small dog from the alley coming to mind. That probably wouldn't be the best idea. A strange dog taken off the streets. She really was not to be trusted around children. "Maybe your moms will get you one."

"Maybe." Teddy mumbled, as if it wasn't in the realms of possibility.

"Well, we were just dropping by."

Spencer's face couldn't help but fall at the news. Karolina gave her a sympathetic look. Teddy was just as sad to be leaving.

"But I'll see you tomorrow for Halloween?" Teddy's pout turned hopeful.

"Yeah. I'll be here tomorrow." Spencer nodded. She was working a double shift after all, a slave to that all mighty dollar.

"I can't wait for you to see my costume! And can't wait to see yours." Teddy said as Karolina led her away. "Bye Spencer!"

As she waved back at the little girl, Spencer realized she didn't have a costume for Halloween, forgetting about one of the ways to celebrate the holiday. The opportunity to come as you aren't. She slipped the envelope with the invitation into her back pocket and went back to the kitchen to finish off washing the pots, pans, and mugs, mulling it over.

"There you are. Your little friend is still here. I think he was waiting on you." Eli called from the back doorway and nodded at the small dog sitting on the steps.

It warmed Spencer's heart to see that the dog had stayed. She gave him a grin, as she crouched down to pet behind its ears. "He's a good boy."

"He's a pitbull." Eli said matter of fact, as she watched her play with the dog. She had her arms folded across her chest and was leaning against the doorjamb.

Spencer only slowed down in scratching behind his ears. Hearing pitbull, images of dogfights and maulings flashed in her head. The dog began to nuzzle his forehead into her palm. "But he's not dangerous."

"You of all people should know that misconceptions about a type of person or a breed of dog can do a lot of damage." Eli's voice was stern.

"Yeah..." Spencer ran her hand over the dog's head. His eyes were closed in pleasure, enjoying the attention.

"Well. Even if he doesn't have tags, he must belong to someone with that collar." Eli nodded her head at the red collar around his neck. "You have a dog growing up?"

"No." Spencer glanced up at the older woman. "I wanted one. But my sister was allergic."

The dog looked off down the alley and cocked his head. He barked twice and then trotted away quickly. Spencer was set to chase off after him, but he turned the corner and was gone.

"He's probably going home. I hope so because those dogs don't do cold weather." Eli pushed herself off the doorjamb. "Well come inside and wash up. I have something for you."

Spencer wiped her hands on her jeans and followed her boss inside, letting the door shut behind her. She headed to the sink and washed her hands, all the while wondering what Eli had for her. She dried off and went to meet with the older ex-con.

Eli was by the pan rack holding a large brown paper bag. She handed it to her. Spencer looked at with some confusion. "I think it's about your size. And more your style? It's your costume for tomorrow. And it ties in with tomorrow's theme. If you want to help set up with decorating you can."

Halloween had been a good day, even if it had been a long shift. It was nothing but eventful. And now she was closing up the shop by herself. Nina and Eli were back in the kitchen, but still Spencer considered being entrusted with the responsibility a huge accomplishment.

She smiled to herself as she stacked chairs on a table. The half of the shop she had already cleaned up shrouded in darkness. She thought replayed the day in her head, people coming and going for last minute purchases for the office Halloween party. Her co-workers looked amazing in their Hitchcock themed costumes. Karolina did a turn as Janet Leigh in _Psycho_, while Solomon did his best Norman Bates. He would have done Anthony Perkins proud. She didn't know how Eli pulled it off but she got an old hotel vacancy sign as well as a "body" to fill in for Norma Bates. Spencer stayed away from that small homage most of the day, it reminding her of being attacked by Mona Vanderwaal at the Lost Woods Resort.

Travis gladly got to wear pajamas his whole shift as James Stewart in _Rear Window_, and Frida was Tippi Hedren from _The Birds_. The rest of the shop had allusions to his movies as well as _North_ _by_ _Northwest_, _Vertigo_, and _Strangers On A Train_.

Spencer wasn't too familiar with the movie that she was representing. Apparently Eli thought she made a good Cary Grant in _Notorious, _though she felt that she was dressed up as any male protagonist in any Hitchcock film ever. A suit and tie, topped off with a fedora had been her costume the entire day. Though at the moment, she had shucked off the suit jacket, tie, and dress shirt and was down just to the tank top she had worn underneath it all. The slacks had been loose around her waist, so she kept them up with suspenders.

Nina berated Eli for casting Spencer as Cary Grant's character in _Notorious; _a movie she was told was famous for it's intense kissing scene and the love triangle between the three major characters. Spencer didn't appreciate her boss's wry humor.

But then Paige had brought in Teddy, who was out Trick or Treating. They both had amazing costumes. Paige was a gunslinger with an eye patch, a dusty overcoat, and black cowboy hat, and Teddy was some kind of steam punk aviator, a time traveler the little girl had explained.

And she had a chance to see Emily, on her own terms. No surprises. Just giving her R.S.V.P. while delivering cupcakes for a Halloween party in the pediatric ward. A chance to handle the situation softer and gently. One of Paige's ultimatums to getting Emily not to come see her was for Spencer to talk to Emily at least once. Paige didn't specify how or where Spencer had to talk to Emily, so getting it out of the way quickly suited Spencer just fine. And it went well, she thought.

Always keeping the front door in the corner of her eye, Spencer set the last chair on top of the last table. She heard the door open, and mentally flagellated herself for failing to lock it. She tensed up but began to turn towards whoever entered, "Sorry. We're closed for the night."

Her voice caught in her throat. Standing in front of her, was a costumed woman dressed as some kind of bandit. There was no doubt in Spencer's mind that this was a woman. The black silk shirt and black pants did nothing to hide the woman's alluring curves and breasts, the first few buttons undone showing off an expanse of skin. Even if half the shop wasn't dimly lit, a black mask hid most of the woman's face and a black bandana was covering most of her head. The only thing Spencer could make out was her lips, full and hungry.

"Uh." Spencer looked over at the suit jacket on the counter, feeling naked in just the tank top. "I could probably get you something real quick."

The woman was standing in front of her when she looked back up again. Spencer swallowed hard, her heart pounding. A smirk appeared on the woman's face. She couldn't meet the woman's eyes, but felt them staring down onto her face.

A soft hand caressed her cheek, the contact jolting something inside of her. The hand guided her, turning Spencer to peer up into warm, dark eyes. The woman ran her thumb across the scar on her lip. Her eyes fluttered close, and those lips she had once committed to memory where on hers.

The kiss was searing. It felt like waking up after being asleep for fifteen years. A burst of heat running through her veins. Spencer curled her hand into the woman's shirt. The woman pulled her closer and she let out a whimper. She wanted more and as if sensing this, the woman did not hesitate, did not hold back.

She caught Spencer's lips between her own, a gentle tug. She moaned, and then felt a hand running across her abdomen. She squeezed her eyes shut, as the woman's mouth kissed along her throat.

"Please," Spencer begged, not really knowing what it was she needed. Everything and anything. She was at the woman's mercy.

The woman pulled away, a break of contact. Spencer missed her instantly, but kept her eyes closed, holding back the onslaught of tears. There was a fear that opening them would make it all disappear, ending the dream.

There was nothing but the sound of her own breathing. Soft fingers brushed her cheek again. Then that was all.

"Spencer?" Eli called out to her. "You can start packing up. Don't want you to miss curfew."

"Thanks, Boss." She wiped at her eye, looking around at the tables. There was no one but her standing in front of the shop. She should have known better. She had imagined things again. Haunted by someone she could never have. The ghost of the kiss still on her lips. "Emily..."


	11. Chapter 11

Author's Note: I have never written anything this huge. Or anything where a character's actions get away from me. I know what fic authors mean when a plot or character is out of their hands now. Here's the answer to what everyone asked in the reviews "The kiss was real, right? Right! RIGHT!" As always read and review. Emily is... I don't know with her. Her actions.

Disclaimer: I don't own Pretty Little Liars. Which is probably a good thing or it would be like if Shonda Rhimes and Joss Whedon had a love child.

* * *

Waking up in the morning, Emily found herself alone, the other side of the bed empty. She sat up, propping herself up on her elbows. Her wife was nowhere to be seen. With a sigh, she fell back to her pillow, her head making a soft thud. While she and Paige were back to sharing a bed again, there were still miles between them. Her wife had not forgiven her for Spencer yet. So she would go to bed late, and Paige would leave before Emily woke up, to get to the firm early or out on a morning run, ride or row.

That's what Paige did when they fought. And what Emily did was eat, smoke, and drink. Everything in moderation went out the window when Emily was stressed.

As well as sexually frustrated. She still had those dreams. About Spencer. About Paige. And once, both of them. She had to take a long cold shower after waking up with her hand down her pajama bottoms.

The smell of pancakes and bacon being made in the kitchen drifted into the bedroom. Emily got out of bed and ran her hand through her hair before padding into the kitchen.

"Good morning." Emily greeted brightly. Paige was already dressed in jeans and a sweater, probably after her morning workout. She was making pancakes with the help of Teddy. She went to her wife, and squeezed her shoulder. She was rewarded with a nod and a tight smile.

"Good morning, Mommy!" Teddy beamed. "We're making spooky shaped pancakes 'cause for Halloween!"

"Because it's Halloween." Paige corrected. She glanced up at Emily. "There's coffee. And I could make you eggs if you wanted."

"Pancakes and bacon are fine." Emily made herself a cup of coffee to her taste and sat down at the kitchen island, watching her wife and daughter cook, as she sipped her coffee.

How could anyone ask for more than this? She had a wife that loved and cared for her. That gave her a daughter, who was healthy. After everything, this life they had built together was perfect. But it was still wanting. And Emily knew that made her a terrible person.

"You're quiet this morning." Paige put some bacon on a plate. Teddy turned to watch her answer.

"Just thinking." Emily looked up from her steaming mug, which she cupped to warm her hands.

"Really. About what?" She could hear the strain behind the question. Paige would always have her suspicions, but Emily had only been thinking about herself and how everything was complicated, the easiest word to describe a difficult situation.

"About how once I get off my shift tomorrow, we should drive to Rosewood and see my parents." Emily lied. She did have to work. She would head into work and do something for her patients stuck in the hospital on Halloween after a scheduled appendectomy or some other surgery. Then she would come back to oversee the Emergency Department the rest of the night. She let out a yawn.

Paige glanced over at her with concern. "Are you sure you're up for that? You look tired. What time did you come to bed last night?"

"Late." Emily explained sheepishly. She had stayed on the couch reading the latest issue _The New England Journal of Medicine _on her iPad, then knitting a sweater she had started, all the while finishing off last night's midnight snack, a bag of pretzels, just killing time until she was sure Paige had fallen asleep. But once she had crawled into bed next to her wife, sleep had not come easily. She had stayed up a bit longer, watching for the rise and fall of Paige's chest until sleep came for her too.

That earned her a sigh. "You should come to bed earlier. You need your sleep." Paige's eyes were pleading. Even though Paige was unhappy with her, she never withheld the love or care she had always given her. Her wife had always put Emily's needs before her own. Paige set a plate in front of her and a second plate down for their daughter. She then helped Teddy up into her seat. She went about making a plate for herself, and then joined them at the kitchen table. "I promise not to steal the covers." She gave Emily a small smile, but was still sad in the eyes.

Teddy covered her mouth but it didn't dampen the giggles. The little girl looked between her mothers affectionately. Paige ran her hand over her daughter's head, brushing back some errant strands.

Emily nodded; appreciating that Paige was warming up to her again. They weren't going to be completely whole that quickly. It would take time, but maybe things would not be as chilly between them starting now. She picked up a crispy piece of bacon and chewed on it happily. When Teddy was around, it was like things were almost back to normal. She watched as Teddy dipped a piece of bacon in a puddle of syrup that had dripped off her stack of pancakes, a quirk she had gotten from Paige.

While she loathed her bacon touching syrup, Emily's own preference for dipping fries in her milkshake and enjoyment of chili chocolate gelato had rubbed off on her daughter. Recently, Teddy expressed that she would like a glass of apple juice with the Oreos she had just been given for a snack. Emily didn't know where her daughter had picked that up from.

"What do you think this spooky pancake looks like?" Paige pointed at one of her pancakes with her fork.

"A ghost." Emily cocked her head. The blob could have been anything really. Those things could be arms, and it could be the classic last minute bed sheet ghost costume with eye holes cut in.

"No! I think... a monster from the sea! Coming to land 'cause people are throwing their trash in his home. And being mean to dolphins and sharks." Teddy flailed her arms out.

Paige shared a look of amusement with Emily. "I think she has you beat. Guess the misunderstood monster terrorizing the people has to be stopped." She took her fork, cut into the pancakes, and took a bite.

"Are you excited for later, Baby Girl?" Emily asked, sipping on her coffee. Paige was taking Teddy trick-or-treating later tonight. She had a good job of putting together her daughter's costume. It wasn't too hard to do, an aviator cap and goggles with a scarf and small brown leather jacket just like Paige had. Teddy was going as a time traveler, a character she had come with up on her own. Emily was impressed with the stories she came up with.

Paige loved dressing up for Halloween as well. This year they had planned to have a couple's costume. They were all set too, until Emily had to work that night.

"Yesh! Thank you for my costume, Mommy." Teddy gave a toothy grin. "I wanna show it to Spencer. She helped me think of it. Like Amelia Earhart but time traveling."

Emily was glad that her daughter got along so well with Spencer. Even though Paige had told her that the other woman had asked that Emily and Teddy not see her for the rest of October. Her wife had explained that Spencer just needed time, and warned her that she was vastly different from the girl they knew in high school. Emily had pressed that was all the more reason for her to go to her. But Paige had been firm on it, one of the few times her wife had told her to do something.

_"Don't. If you chase her, she will run." Paige sighed in frustration. "She wants distance, you give it to her." _

_Emily had kept her arms crossed and her mouth tightly shut, about to accuse Paige of being jealous and doing this out of spite. "Fine!" She stormed off into the bedroom, and got ready for bed quickly. She cooled off just as quickly, and waited for her wife to come join her. _

_But Paige had chosen to sleep on the couch in her office._

This wasn't Paige forbidding her from seeing Spencer. It was doing Spencer a favor. Emily knew that the situation was hurting Paige, that she was being selfish. So she kept her promise but didn't keep her distance.

She often found herself in front of Cupcake-a-Coffee, hoping to steal a glimpse of Spencer through the window. She was a bit jealous that Paige and Teddy had gotten the chance to spend actual time with the woman. Sometimes she saw her, cleaning tables or behind the register. The lithe brunette smiled briefly now and then, but mostly worked with a cloud of fatal resignation around her. There would be moments where Spencer would pause, seemingly staring off into nothing. Emily wondered where she would go then.

Karolina was her only connection. She would try to casually work Spencer into their conversation, but eventually she would blatantly ask after the woman. Her daughter's nanny thought highly of her even with knowing exactly where she had been for the last fifteen years. She spoke of how she liked Spencer's dry humor, and that she was pleasant to be around when she did accept the young brunette's invitations. But Karolina expressed worry that mostly Spencer would go back to her "dingy, shoebox apartment", as the tiny brunette had called it. She thought that there was a lock on Spencer's entire being, as if she was still in prison.

"That was nice of Spencer. It's a great costume. It's a winner." Paige turned from their daughter, and gestured to Emily with a piece of bacon. "And I think we would have won all the awards at the costume contest this year, if we were going to end up at The Library tonight." She continued, "It's a shame to let them go to waste. Are you sure you can't spare an hour? Ask Karolina to watch Teddy for a bit. What time do you have to be at work?"

"My shift starts at ten. But I'm going in early for the kids' Halloween party this afternoon." Emily said. Paige was right. They had put a lot of work into their costumes. Her wife really did love the holiday. She smiled at the memory of her first Halloween after the letter bomb attack. Paige had dressed up as a pirate captain and had wrangled Teddy into a parrot costume.

She would be bringing out the eye patch again this Halloween and pairing it with a cowboy hat, a long duster coat, red bandana, and a bandolier to wear around her hip with holstered prop revolvers. Paige joked that she didn't have to use makeup to get the scarred up look of an Old West bounty hunter. Emily's costume was just as authentic looking. It really was a shame that she wasn't going to wear it out.

"We could try. If not, I'm sure we can find a creative use for them later." Emily raised her eyebrows suggestively.

Paige gave her a small smile, but didn't comment further. That wasn't the reaction Emily had expected. She tried not to let the disappointment strike her face. "We'll take a lot of photos later, and email them to your grandparents. They'll want to see your costume as well."

"I'll take my costume to the hospital just in case?" Emily bit her lip. She still wanted to make her wife happy. "We'll have time after the party. You can drop by with Teddy after you guys finish up trick-or-treating. The kids will love your costume."

"Sure. I think we can manage that." Paige said slowly. She looked over at Teddy. "How does that sound? Can you bring a passenger from the Wild West to a present day hospital?"

"Course I can." The little girl boasted. "We can go anywhere and, and any...when. Yeah! Anywhen!"

"I guess if you can travel through time, you're never late." Paige joked and tickled Teddy's neck.

Emily smiled weakly. It was probably for the best that time travel wasn't possible. If given the chance, she wasn't sure that she would make the same choices that she did then. Would they all be better off?

It was a trap to think like that. To live only for what could have been, dwelling on the past, meant that you were never free to move forward. To play a game of "What If" was to play a game where you lost before you even started. But still Emily would play. What if she had taken Spencer's place? What if A had chosen her instead? Paige would have both of her eyes and a whole left hand, and Spencer would have fifteen years of her life back.

And Teddy?

No. Her daughter would always stop the game dead in its tracks. The little girl meant the world to her. And to Paige. And most likely to Spencer as well. That was why it was dangerous to play this game. The only thing to do was move forward, towards a future that was just as uncertain.

"So, Teddy and I will get ready and meet you there?" Paige asked as she sipped her coffee. Teddy was humming a song as she finished up her breakfast. Emily had already cleared her plate.

"Hmm? Oh. Yes. I still have a lot to do before the party." Emily still had to oversee that the enlisted interns and nurse volunteers had put up the party decorations. She had to make sure people would stay to run the games and make sure she had the prizes. She was sure she had gotten enough candy. Then she had to follow up on the cupcakes she had ordered from Cupcake-a-Coffee.

"Do you need help with that?" Paige wiped a struggling Teddy's face with a napkin. When her wife was finished, the little girl pouted.

"Mama! What about trick-or-treating? We can't miss it! All the good candy will be gone and only candy corn will be left!" Teddy whined with a touch of urgency.

"Teodora Elizabeth! Your mother was asking me a question. Don't interrupt." Emily reprimanded her daughter, who looked chastised. The role of disciplinarian often fell on her, since Paige let their daughter get away with almost anything.

"I'm sorry, Mama." Teddy apologized without being prompted. "And I'm sorry, Mommy."

"Apology accepted, Tedge." Paige leaned in closer to their little girl and put her arm around her. "What happened to a time traveler being able to go anywhen? We'll get there... Then? We'll get then. We will just get the best candy. And pop in to see Spencer. And catch the end of Mommy's party."

"Which I don't need help with. There's enough volunteers." Emily still smiled appreciatively. "Thank you though. But I will probably need a ride? I have a ton of candy to bring to the hospital." She had bought about five jumbo bags of assorted candies. They probably would have leftovers at the nurses' stations and her waistline would end up paying for it.

"Sure. Just hop in the time machine and we will give you lift. Anywhere! Anywhen." Paige gave a small salute with her right hand.

"Mama, cars can't be time machines." Teddy explained, in a tone and manner that reminded her eerily of Spencer.

"I need to teach you about the DeLorean, young lady." Paige stood up, and helped Teddy out of her seat. Emily followed suit and took their plates to the sink. "I'll get this one ready."

"Yeah. After I finish up here, let me get ready." Emily nodded, as she started washing the dishes. She would take a quick shower, and then get dressed for the hospital. She would probably just go with her scrubs. It's what her patients and their parents were used to seeing her in. Plus her scrubs were the most comfortable thing to wear lately. Her costume really didn't make much sense without Paige, and she didn't feel like wearing the costume where the attendings and chief of surgery could see her looking a little less than professional.

Paige nodded in return. "Alright." She took Teddy by the hand and the little girl started going over the details of her Halloween game plan as they left the kitchen. Once she was alone, she leaned against the sink and bowed her head. She took a deep breath and finished washing the dishes.

* * *

Nurses and doctors alike greeted Emily while she carried a box of candies up to the multipurpose room. She smiled and greeted them in return. While she didn't want to carry the box from their apartment to the hospital on foot, she could manage three flights of stairs.

That's where she ran into Wren. He was going down, while she was heading up. "Dr. Kingston," she greeted in a professional manner.

Wren changed directions and fell into step with Emily as she continued up the stairs. She was cursing her choice not to be lazy and wished she had just taken the elevator. Now, she was stuck talking to Wren, something she really disliked.

"Emily, no need to be so formal." Wren smiled brightly at her. He opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off.

"I'd prefer it if we were actually." Emily stated with as much civility as she could muster. She stopped climbing the steps. "What is it that I can help you with?"

"It's what I can help you with." Wren held himself with what Emily thought of as smarm instead of charm. He reached for the box in her arms. "Let me get that for you."

Emily stopped herself from pulling the box out of his grasp, and a glare from appearing on her face. "I can manage."

"Too right. But I just don't mean with the heavy lifting." Wren leaned in closer. "I'm one of your volunteers for the party later. I came in today so I could help out. Just let me know where need me."

Instead of saying "As far away as possible." Emily just nodded diplomatically. "Just show up later and I'll let you know."

"I brought a costume. The kids are going to love it." Wren turned and returned to his descent down the stairwell. "I'll see you later!"

Emily just sighed, and continued up the stairs. She pushed the door open, and stepped out onto the third floor. She carried the boxes into the multipurpose room, where Richard and some other nurses were putting up decorations ahead of the time she asked them to be there. The interns that had been drafted into helping with the party were nowhere to be seen. She could always count on the nurses to go the extra mile. She was going to make those interns' lives hell if they didn't show up in the next hour.

"Hey, Richard. This looks great." Emily set the box on a table. She looked around the room. There were fake spider webs hung up and fake tombstones. There were actual pumpkins around a scarecrow wearing scrubs. This made Emily laugh. She addressed the group. "Thanks for getting this done earlier. You didn't have to, but you did. I know the party is going to be a success! I especially love that guy over there."

"Yeah, Doctor Fields. That was Kat's idea and I had an extra pair of scrubs in my locker so." Richard bent down and pulled something from under one of the tables. It was a couple of Halloween tablecloths. "All that's left to do is set up the snack table and the games for the kids."

"I can do that. You've all done more than enough. You guys can take a break or grab lunch. Do what you need to do before the party." Emily instructed as she took the tablecloths from Richard. "And if the interns show up, I'll put them to work. Go on. Don't worry about it."

The small group of volunteers left the multipurpose hall chatting and laughing, leaving behind Richard and Emily. "You sure you don't need help with the snacks?" A touch of worry was in his voice.

"I'm just setting them out. I'm not making them." Emily joked. While she would never live down Paige telling the stories of how dangerous she was in the kitchen at The Library one night, she knew that Richard wasn't asking about the snacks. The staff nurse knew Paige from all the times she would show up to surprise Emily during a shift. He must have noticed how those visits from her wife had tapered off recently.

"Alright then, Doctora. The snack trays and bowls are over there." He pointed at the end of the row of tables. "If you need any help, you know where to find me."

Emily waved him off. "I can handle it."

Richard gave her one last look of concern before leaving Emily alone. She took out the bowls for chips and pretzels someone bought, and a bigger bowl for the punch that she would mix. Then there were some creepy but adorable snacks that hospital volunteers that had made and dropped off. There was a veggie platter with dip and two platters of finger sandwiches Bully's had donated. All that was missing were the special order of cupcakes from Cupcake-o-Coffee. She pulled out her cell phone to follow up on the order.

"Hi, Nina." She greeted brightly and allowed time for the woman to greet her in return. "I'm just calling to see if the cupcakes I ordered are ready."

"Gluten free. Just like you ordered. We just finished frosting the last batch." Emily could hear the smile in the older woman's voice. She was glad that such a woman was looking out for Spencer. "I'll have them delivered as soon as we get them packaged up. Any last minute things you want to throw in. There are some nice sugar cookies."

"No. I think we're good on the baked goods." Emily paused at hearing what she had just said. "But thank you anyway."

Nina's melodic laugh came through the phone. "Alright, Doc." There was a pause and Emily could hear murmurs in the background. Nina picked up the phone again. "Do you want me to have Spencer bring them over?"

Emily wanted to say yes. She longed to see Spencer and not be separated by a storefront window. She wanted Spencer close and face-to-face. Just a breath away. "You can have them delivered by whoever is available."

"All right. It will probably be another 20 minutes." Nina spoke as if she was relieved, a weight lifted from her shoulders.

"Okay. Thank you." Emily replied politely if a little confused at being spoken to in such a way.

"It's always a pleasure to do business with you. And Teddy's birthday is coming up. You'll be wanting us to do a cake for the party as well?" Nina asked kindly.

"Yes. I'm glad you reminded me. Just like last year. German chocolate. It's still her favorite." And it was one of Emily's favorites as well. Richard and some of the nurses had surprised her with some German chocolate cupcakes from Cupcake-o-Coffee on her birthday in September. She had a lot of favorites from Nina's bakeshop, and it showed. A favorite cookie, a favorite cupcake, which was different from her favorite cake, and a favorite coffee order.

"I can't believe she's turning six." Nina considered Teddy family and enjoyed having the little girl around her shop, especially with having lost her own daughter. She knew that Teddy missed visiting everyone, and she missed Spencer. She hoped for her daughter's sake that the woman would come to her birthday party. Sure, for Teddy's sake.

"Neither can I." The two women shared a laugh, then they shared their goodbyes.

After hanging up Emily went about mixing the punch, and then she set up some cups. It was a little chilled. When the time came, she would make one of the interns run down and get some ice from the hospital cafeteria even though she made sure there was ice in the staff fridge at the nurses' station.

There was a knock at the door of the multipurpose room, followed by the sound of someone entering.

Emily turned away from the snack table. To say she was elated would be a gross understatement. There was Spencer in a suit and tie, which after nothing was one of the sexiest things a woman could wear in Emily's opinion. Her hair was pulled back in a bun, and she was wearing a fedora. "Spencer."

"Doctor Fields. I have your order for you." Spencer was carrying a large brown paper bag with another set down at her feet and was still standing in the doorway, entirely uncertain.

While she had demanded that Wren Kingston address her formally, being addressed as such by Spencer put a damper on her joy. She missed that familiarity and easy friendship with the woman even more now. It made her heart ache, in more ways than one.

"Spencer, you don't. You don't have to be so formal with me. We're friends?" She hadn't meant for that last sentence to come out as a hopeful question. The truth was she didn't know where she stood with Spencer.

"Sorry." Spencer murmured, head ducked as she came further inside the room without being prompted by Emily. She went to the table and set the bag down. Her hands were shaking. Emily's heart ached even more.

"You don't have to apologize." Emily was alarmed with how Spencer was acting towards her. She was nervous and shy, not a shred of confidence. Nothing like how Spencer used to be.

"I do. For how I acted last time. And for everything." Spencer took her fedora off, and it held it to her chest. "For Alison and Maya."

Emily wasn't sure what Spencer was apologizing for. She couldn't have done all of those things. She was completely innocent in her eyes, although she didn't know all the details of what happened. What A had done.

Or if she was also apologizing for the pain she had caused. It was true that Spencer refusing to let her visit had hurt her. But what hurt more was knowing Spencer was perpetuating the belief that she was guilty. That she wasn't saying otherwise. That she was still lying.

Paige's advice not to push came to mind. If she insisted, if she spoke with force, she knew now what Paige had meant. Spencer would run. She would run further away from everything, including the truth.

She put a gentle hand on the lithe brunette's forearm. Spencer tensed at first and then slowly relaxed into her touch. Emily gave her a simple but reassuring, "Okay."

Spencer smiled with relief, and a touch of shock as if expecting rejection. She set the fedora down on the table and started unpacking the cupcakes. Her hands were steady this time.

Emily started opening the boxes and setting the orange and black frosted cupcakes out on a tray. They worked in silence. While it was not entirely awkward, Emily had to break the silence. "Nina makes the best cupcakes I have ever had." Lucky Leon's didn't compare.

"I bet." Spencer said as she continued unpacking boxes for Emily to open.

Emily paused. She knew she had put on weight since high school. She had no time for steady exercise in med school and late night study sessions always had the opportunity for unhealthy food choices, especially when she was stressed. This trend continued through her internship and residency. She gained sympathy weigh when Paige was pregnant with Teddy. Then during Paige's recovery from the letter bomb she had gained about ten pounds. Her wife's love of cooking and a daughter that often left meals half finished didn't help matters.

Spencer's eyes widened. "I didn't mean it like that. I meant that I haven't tried one yet." She quickly backpedaled. She stammered, "You look good."

She looked back at Spencer, trying not to laugh. This was a little more like her Spencer. The speaking before she thought part. The perceived slight was forgotten. "You haven't had one yet?"

Spencer shook her head. Emily grinned as she picked up an orange frosted cupcake. "While I prefer coconut, the vanilla ones taste just as good." Unwrapping the cupcake, she held it up close to Spencer's mouth. "Bite." Seeing that other woman was about to protest, Emily added. "Go ahead. I ordered more than enough."

Hesitantly, Spencer took a bite of the offered treat. She chewed slowly, but was left with smear of frosting on her lip, a bit aways from her scar.

Emily licked her lip in response. "You have some frosting right there."

The napkins were at the opposite end. Before Spencer could make a move for one, she leaned in closer and brushed her thumb across the brunette's lip. She then sucked the frosting off her thumb.

The two of them were standing inches apart. She looked at Spencer intently, gazing into her face, trying to update the memory of who her friend used to be with the woman standing in front of her now. It pained her to know that memory and the present didn't match up. The weariness in her face, and the loss in her eyes.

When Spencer stepped back, looking away, all Emily wanted to do was make the other woman smile. Spencer's lips were all she could think about as they finished setting up the cupcakes and she left with a murmured goodbye and a promise to attend Teddy's birthday party. They stayed with her through the Halloween party, which was a huge success, even though Wren had shown up in a ridiculous Prince Charming costume. She thought of those pink lips when Paige had shown up with Teddy, both in costume and in character, still on a post trick-or-treating high. They would not leave her still when Karolina and Solomon had agreed to watch Teddy for a while, allowing Paige and Emily to attend a Halloween bash at The Library, though she tried to focus on Paige. Spencer and her lips were why she told the cabbie to make a quick detour on the way to St. Luke's and to keep the meter running.

Emily had always caught herself staring at Spencer lips in the past. She wondered how they would feel against hers and how they would taste.

She finally found out.

Emily rushed to see Spencer at the cafe before her shift. Still masked. Still cloaked. She was glad to find the door still open when she tried it, in spite of the "CLOSED" sign hung on the door. She stepped inside and watched Spencer stack a chair on top of a table. Wearing only a tank top and suspenders allowed Spencer's toned arms to be on display, her tattoos in full view.

Spencer had said something to her but she was too busy appreciating Spencer's body to have heard. She pressed in closer, and cupped her face not wanting Spencer to shy away. Again she brushed her thumb over Spencer's scar, which only added to her need to devour those lips, a signal fire calling her home.

They kissed and it was everything Emily had imagined.

Only encouraged by Spencer's moan of pleasure, Emily kissed the woman's neck. She needed more. She ran her hands along Spencer's abdomen, entranced. She wanted skin. Contact. Heat. She was feeling the heat between them and she was an inferno.

"Please."

The pain of desperation and longing in Spencer's voice stopped her, made her come back to her senses. A tear had escaped her closed eyes. And Emily felt guilty. She wiped the tear away from the woman's cheek.

This wasn't fair to Spencer. To Paige, her wife and the mother of her child. What was she doing?

She backed away quickly. And made her way out of the cafe, and out into the harsh, cold night. She wished she could blame her actions on her costume, on being a different person. That wasn't who she was. But that was a lie. She pulled the mask off her face and sneaked one last glance at Spencer.

She was a selfish person because she still missed the feel of Spencer's lips on her own.

Her phone started ringing while she got back into the still waiting cab. She had stopped being afraid of her phone a long time ago, but the fear was back as she checked the caller ID. Paige's name and smiling picture had popped up on the screen. She didn't pick up, letting it go to voicemail, afraid that answering would cause her to be found out.

She slumped down in the backseat of the cab, pinching the bridge of her nose. A small pounding started in her head, and continued to increase as she made her way to the locker room to change into her scrubs. It was going to be a long shift. A heartbeat could really do damage when it beat for someone else.

Heartbeats. Paige. She needed it to hear Paige's voice. She had to know she was still there. She couldn't call just yet knowing there still time for a confession escape she played the message.

"Em. I tried calling but I kept getting your voicemail. So I guess you already started your shift. I just wanted to say I know how hard you're trying and I appreciate it. And I hate that you have to work tonight because I could hardly keep my hands off you in that costume. I'm babbling now but I just wanted to let you know that you still have my heart. Just, just be patient with me please… I love you."

Suddenly the phone felt like too great a weight and she let it drop from her ear and into her lap. What was she doing? She had never been so reckless.

Her phone went off again. This time a text from a blocked number. She hadn't gotten one in so long it was almost like she had forgotten how to proceed. She opened the message and read it.

_Stealing a kiss. I guess opportunity really does make a thief. You'll learn that little thieves are caught, but great ones never are. - A_

Emily growled in frustration, and threw her phone into the messy pile of her costume that had been shoved into her locker. Then she slammed it shut.


	12. Chapter 12

Author's Note: YEAH BABES! We broke 100 reviews! Thanks so much you guys. I never thought that would happen. That made me giddy as all get out. Spinoza-off was my 100th. Check out her fics: Speeding Up, All the Promises, and Animals. And bigbadbey did this really badass fanart of Paige for this fic. Thank you to AJ, my beta half and lover.

I feel like making a fanmix for this whole fic. As well. Songs that make me think of this fic and what I listen to while writing it. Fake Plastic Trees lyric made it into this chapter.

I don't know anything about law, everything I know is from google searching and going seems legit. So sorry to real lawyers. I'm a med student. And I did research prison culture. I hope I got it right. A bit of a flashback to Spencer's first day in the gen population happens. I really want to do something set during the fifteen years. I've built this entire world for this fic, minor details that have yet to appear or get a mention. I don't know. I just write. And we see Spencer after the kiss... Any questions feel free to ask. As always read and review.

Disclaimer: I don't own Pretty Little Liars.

* * *

Sleep was not her friend and dreams were not her home. Spencer found herself sluggish that morning at work. Karolina and Solomon both looked at her with worry but she brushed them off and even though she was dead on her feet she went through her job. It was finally when she dropped a bussing tray that Nina brought her into the back office.

Spencer started to panic. She had never been to the back office before. She started to plead for her job. "Miss Scott. I'll replace every one of the plates and mugs that I broke. You can take it out of my pay. I'll do more overtime. Please."

Nina frowned, and she couldn't stop her heart from thudding.

"Spencer," she began gently. "Calm down." She led her to the couch against one wall. It made the office more cramped but along with all the framed photos, made it look more homely and welcoming. There were two throw pillows and a faded green blanket draped across the back. A motherly glance got Spencer to sit, and Nina joined her.

The older woman put the back of her hand to Spencer's forehead. "You don't have a fever. Good. But still, are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Spencer murmured automatically. The contact had made her miss her mother. That was something she used to do when she was sick as a child.

Nina sighed. "I don't think you are. You stay back here and rest. I don't want you getting sick."

Spencer was about to protest that she was okay. But when Nina crossed her arms and looked at her sternly, she closed her mouth. She toes out of her sneakers. The older woman got off the couch. "You can use the blanket if you get cold. Make yourself comfortable." She waited for her to lie down before turning off the lights.

She stared up through the darkness at the ceiling. This was something she's done for fifteen years when sleep did not come. In prison she had the top bunk, being younger than her cellmate, a quiet Chinese woman that most called The Professor, who had been in prison before her and would be there so much more longer than she would had ever been. Out of prison, she had not been used to the mattress and the different nighttime noises. So she was an expert in ceiling gazing.

The truth was she didn't want to sleep. She was afraid to. She didn't want to dream because she was having so much trouble telling the difference between somnolence and being awake.

She couldn't be sure that it had been Emily. She couldn't be sure that it was real.

She knew that that lack of sleep could cause hallucinations. She knew this firsthand. She had experienced it. In prison the first couple of nights, spent in the top bunk, she couldn't fall asleep. The pillow was too thin and the mattress hard. Her bunk mate had explained that they slept on top of the sheets in order to pass inspection, only having to make the bed once in awhile. Then the noises, the moaning, the crying, and occasional shrieks. It was also the fear of an unknown place that kept her awake. That was even before the nightmares came.

Her body had been used to going on little sleep before. She had that drive. She had academics to study for and papers to write. They were also trying to find Alison's killer and trying to beat A at their game. Knowing that she would win in the end was fuel enough.

Now her future wasn't as secure. And A was so much more threatening. She didn't know if it was it was because she was older and knew that she wasn't invincible, or because she knew how much further this A was willing to go. She was just so tired.

But she couldn't sleep. That dream she had of the masked woman came again, someone to save her. It wasn't the worst dream she would have. She had nightmares about A hurting her friends, especially Emily, and being unable to stop it. Dreams where she had actually killed Alison, Ian, and Maya before going after Hanna, Aria, and finally Emily. There was a dream about a burning building where Emily died and she had been the one that set the fire. That last one had continued even when she had gotten out of prison, taking up residence in the rotation of new nightmares of going back to prison and still being there.

Spencer curled up on her side. She was angry with herself. She had thought she had gone to see Emily on her own terms, but Emily had been in control of that situation. Her body reacted to Emily's touch and the closeness. It's probably what caused her to imagine that kiss two nights ago.

She took a deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut. It couldn't have been real. Emily could never be so cruel. She was with Paige and they had Teddy. Her life was perfect. Why would she ever want to be with her? Why would anyone?

She was nothing. Gone was her confidence and defiance. Helplessness was something she had learned after fifteen years in prison. Her arrogance and pride had made her a target of the other prisoners. The majority taking a dislike to her left her alone and she them. But one woman and her group had made it her mission to break her. The woman had been a bully, like Alison but with brute strength in addition to the verbal barbs and manipulation. She had always fought back though and resisted, until events on the outside made her feel like it wasn't worth it anymore.

_"Hey!" _

_Spencer had been wandering around the common area, not really sure where she was supposed to be. It was like the first day of school and it was clear to her that cliques had formed, but divided by race instead of common interests or teams. The advice she had been given was "Try not to make friends." and "Don't trust anyone." _

_She was already an expert at the latter. She didn't think she could trust herself. She was afraid, and if she opened her mouth she felt like she would start crying. But she didn't want to be marked as weak, so she schooled her face to be stone, cold and unfeeling._

_But maybe she wasn't fooling anyone since a woman was approaching her. "Hey! New girl. Are you okay?" _

_The woman looked to be around her sister's age, maybe a little older, curiously wearing a long sleeved shirt underneath her prison uniform when the weather was still warm. She was coming at her with a big smile, like she was happy to be there. It was unnerving. And the woman wasn't alone, a taller woman had trailed behind her, looking unhappy. Spencer tried not to take a step back at the imposing figure looming behind the smaller smiling woman. The two were an odd looking couple._

_"Yeah. I know the feels. But I wanted to welcome you and say hi. I'm Mac and this is..." The small woman had a bubbly voice, and she gestured to her friend with such rehearsed flourish that Spencer expected the taller woman to be named "Cheese." She didn't say this thought out loud in case this was a trap and the joke would be on her. The woman waited while she and the other woman were quiet. _

_"Chuck." The taller woman finally said, breaking the awkward silence._

_Her friend looked disappointed at the punch line being ruined. But grinned after a beat. "Yes. And we wanted to give you these. Shower slippers! Trust me, you'll need them."_

_Spencer stared at the slippers, not knowing what to make of them. She had been told her account wouldn't be activated for a month. She couldn't buy anything from the commissary until then. She had only been given a small green bar of motel soap and a cheap toothbrush. Aside from the one she was wearing at the moment, she hadn't even been issued uniforms. She'd have to wait until the day after next to receive more sets of the orange eyesores. _

_Mac frowned at Spencer's paralysis, visibly upset. Her tall friend took the slippers from her gently, but shoved them into Spencer's chest. "Just take the damn shoes." Chuck barked and took Mac's hand and led her away. Spencer could hear them talking about her._

_"I told you not to bother with some stuck up Bougie bitch. Just let her tribe take care of her."_

_Mac nodded glumly, tugging at her sleeves, and Spencer felt a twinge of guilt. Maybe there had been no ulterior motive behind the slippers. She watched the two women join a third inmate, an older semi-attractive woman. She was still the topic of discussion, since Semi looked over at her curiously. The intensity of the woman's gaze made her uncomfortable so she turned to move away._

_In doing so, she ran into another woman causing her to drop the letter and magazine she had been holding. The other inmate scowled at her, and Spencer was reminded of Alison. "Well?"_

_Spencer looked down at the letter and magazine on the ground. She wasn't going to pick them up. Her instinct told her that if she did, she'd always be picking things up. She finally found her voice. "You're more than capable of picking things up yourself. I'm not your maid."_

_The two women behind her held their breath as they waited for the woman's next move._

_"No. But you just pissed me off. And that's your first mistake, kid." The woman gave her a little shove, and Spencer stumbled back. She glared in return until the woman gave her a smirk and turned to leave. One of the women she was with picked up the items, and hurried after the retreating woman. Spencer wondered if she and the girls looked like the mindless idiots that followed this bitch._

_She moved the slippers to under her arms. She felt that she had an audience but when she looked around most of the other inmates averted their eyes, but went about discussing what they had just witnessed. But that semi attractive woman that Mac and Chuck had been talking about her to was still looking at her. She had an amused smile on her face. Spencer glared at her as well. And then left the common area._

If it hadn't been for the few women that she eventually let in, she probably wouldn't have survived. As it was she knew she had her cracks. She didn't like being touched, and she was nervous around anyone in a position of authority or power, and would submit to them. Loud noises and raised voices scared her, expecting a beat down and pain to follow.

Sometimes Spencer would feel like her old self, and a snarky comment would escape her mouth. But only ever when she was comfortable with someone. Only her co-workers and Teddy belonged to that select group.

The self-loathing must have tired her out eventually because she woke up hours later at the office door opening. She didn't feel refreshed but she didn't feel as drained. She was sure she had dreamed but couldn't quite remember the details.

She opened her eyes and sat up. Eli had come into the office and the lights were on. She stretched and felt her back pop. She looked at her second boss expectantly. She waited for her to speak first.

"Good nap?" Eli smirked at her. "That couch is pretty comfortable."

Spencer nodded, a little sheepishly. "How long was I out?"

"Three hours at the most." The older woman laughed at the expression on Spencer's face, her eyes having gone wide. "Don't worry about it. Nina thought you needed it. And I agree." She looked at her intently. "Come on though, you have a visitor."

Spencer put her sneakers back on and followed Eli back to the kitchen. She was surprised when her boss didn't go to the front of the shop, but to the back door. Still she followed her nonetheless. The blonde woman opened the door and there was the small brown dog again.

"Hey!" Spencer smiled at him, amazed to see him again. She went over and kneeled next to him. Scratching him behind the ear, she spoke, "You came back. Sorry, I don't have a sandwich for you this time."

Eli was watching the two of them, a glint of amusement in her eyes. "You can give him fruit. Sorry bud, not much in the way of meat here. I can hard boil an egg for him."

"He can eat that?" Spencer asked curiously. The small dog had rolled onto his back, and she was rubbing his belly. His tail was wagging happily.

"You really didn't have a dog growing up." Eli smirked. Spencer looked back at the dog, mouth set into a thin line. "Dogs can eat hard boiled eggs. Not too many. Or too often. No grapes, chocolate, or chicken bones as well. Dogs like bananas and peanut butter, especially this guy here. Most fruits and veggies. Cut apples, peaches, we have some of that here in the kitchen. We'll give him some water too. I'll slice some fruit up."

Spencer stood up. "I can do that. I mean I barely worked today."

"Just play with your dog." Eli held her hands up. "You worked more than enough last night, and the night before. You got home late too, so Nina feels a little guilty." After a beat, Eli added, "I feel guilty too."

Spencer was going to protest, but she knew she would never win. The two older women liked to take care of all their employees, her most especially. Nina would slip her extra food at the end of the day. Eli would talk to her and give her reassuring nods. She could never repay the kindness they had shown her.

She sat down on the steps leading up to the backdoor, heat from the kitchen warming her back. The dog got up onto his hind legs and put his front paws on her leg. She cupped his face and stared into his amber eyes. He was so gentle and just wanted to be loved.

Eli came back with a plate of a small pile of cut up fruit and a small bowl of water. She set the bowl down next to Spencer and handed her the fruit. The dog hopped onto the stoop and lapped up the water.

"He needs a name. And a bath." Eli joked.

"He probably already has a name." Spencer bit her bottom lip. He probably had a loving family, everything a dog needed.

"How you holding up?" Eli went back to the doorjamb. She crossed her arms and they both watched the dog drink.

Spencer looked up at the older woman, confusion on her face.

"With adjusting to being outside." She didn't know what the older woman had done to end up in prison but Eli was possibly the only other person she knew that had been to prison and was now free. Although if she were asked, Spencer would say she didn't feel free. That prison was still inside her.

Spencer didn't answer. She picked up an apple that had been cubed and tossed it to the dog. He jumped and caught it in his mouth. He barked. She didn't want to appear like she was having a hard time. But she knew it was too late for that.

"I had trouble sleeping when I first got out. Just being afraid I'd go to sleep and wake up back there. And the nightmares. I'd have so many at first, but then they tapered off. You're frustrated, I know. But it'll get easier."

_"You can leave prison but it will never leave you." _

Spencer shivered. She didn't know where the thought had come from. It was like something A would send. But it came from inside, a voice of doubt in her head that sounded like Alison. She rested her elbows on her knees and tossed the dog another piece of fruit.

Eli continued to speak. "But it won't get easier overnight. If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine. You find someone. And open up to them."

The dog barked again and Spencer tossed him a slice of banana. She didn't look up at Eli, instead watched the dog happily eat.

"That's what it's going to take to get better." Eli waited for a response, but Spencer didn't feel like giving one. "When you're ready."

With that, Eli went back inside. Eventually when the fruit ran out, the dog gave one final bark and then trotted away. Spencer just let the dog leave. That seemed to be a reoccurring thing in her life. She would always be alone.

But it didn't have to be that way. Eli was right there was someone she could talk to. Someone who understood what it meant to be damaged and knew things about her past. She was loathed to admit it that she needed help from this person. It had been offered once before and she had turned it down.

_"Spencer there's also the matter of your mother's will. Before I went into corporate law, I did estate law and your mother was a client. She left you half of her estate." _

_Paige was sitting across from her. They were at another restaurant, another private room. The little device was out again, stopping anyone from listening in on their conversation. She had wondered about all the hassle to be covert, but she supposed if she had been sent a letter bomb, she would be as paranoidly prepared as Paige._

_"She couldn't have. If Mr. DiLaurentis found out I had anything to my name. They'd be able to take it all." Spencer realized she had raised her voice and then looked down at her hands. She felt Paige watching her._

_"Yes. Well, Veronica was worried about what would happen to you when she died. Who would add money to your prison account? And as a way around that, she left half to Melissa and your half to me. No, there wasn't much after paying for private investigators and everything trying to get you out and after her medical bills. I got around the estate taxes as best as I could. Some of that amount went into your prison account. I estimate there was probably enough to last you around seven more years in prison." Paige had on the air of a seasoned attorney. _

_"You? I thought that..." She had thought that Melissa had been sending the much-needed money for commissary items and other things for her. Even if she wasn't visiting or writing her, at least her sister was taking care of her in some way. It didn't matter if this had been something her mother had made her promise to do. It hurt to find out this wasn't the case. She really didn't have any family on the outside._

_"Since you're out early, you're pretty much entitled to what's left." Paige gave her a soft smile, as if this solved all her problems. She was irritated._

_"You know I can't take that money! It would be suspicious for an ex-con to have cash lying around or nice things." She didn't want the money anyway. She was the reason why her mother was dead._

_Paige sighed, and spoke with the patience of a mother of a young child. "Just use it. You can just take some at a time and use it to buy something. Anything."_

She had still refused. She didn't want to take anything that she hadn't earned. She still had a little sense of pride left. She wasn't go to go to Paige for help.

Finishing up the rest of her shift and managing to avoid Eli, Spencer left by saying good bye to Nina and went straight home. The bus ride home had been as uneventful as the one she had taken this morning. When she got up to her apartment, she saw that Ms. Molly Mendes was waiting for her. The woman slipped her sunglasses to the top of her head, her hair pulled back in a ponytail.

"Hello, Sunshine. How was work?" Her parole officer greeted with a smile.

"It was okay, Ma'am." Spencer kept her hands to her sides as she murmured.

"All right then. Let's get started shall we?"

With that Spencer went to unlock her door, her hands shaking. Partly out of not knowing if this would be the day that A decided to leave a "surprise" that would get her a parole violation and partly because Ms. Molly Mendes could send her back to jail. She hated the feeling that every aspect of her life was being watched and judged, a feeling that wasn't new. At least with her parole officer she knew who was doing the searching and overturning of her life. Everything that fit in this small room. A was the unknown that knew everything.

Nervous didn't begin to describe how she was feeling.

Just like the last surprise visit, Ms. Molly Mendez went through every single item of clothing refolding them neatly and checked in between each drawer in the dresser. She checked all the cabinets, under the bed, under the mattress and every little conceivable hiding space possible. When it came time to check box of books, Ms. Molly Mendes asked how she found_ Dubliners. _

"It was okay." Spencer watched as she went through the pages of each book. Nothing but thorough.

"Like I said, pretty depressing. How the narrator in _Araby _was all set to go to this exotic bazaar to buy his crush something nice in order to win her affections. But by the time he gets to the bazaar all the stalls are closed. So he just stands there in frustration and defeat as the lights go out."

Spencer swallowed thickly, feeling as if a lump was caught in her throat. That particular story had struck a chord with her. She could relate to the nameless narrator. Like the boy she had made this sacrifice, a grand gesture for love and in the end she was left standing in the dark.

But unlike the boy, her act was no mere trinket. It was the greatest gift. Time. Time for normalcy. Time for life. Time for love. Fifteen years worth of hugs, kisses, laughter, smiles. Of waking up to see the sunset. Walking hand in hand with a loved one. Cups of coffee on cold mornings. Just minutes of little things that were the important things. All of it taken for granted by people with the freedom.

None of them had wasted it. Her three friends had enjoyed their gifted time, especially Emily. With her family, and having brought a new life into the world. She and Paige had created a very thoughtful and energetic child.

Had it been worth trading her freedom for theirs? Was it worth the darkness and shadows she ended up with?

Spencer gritted her teeth and fought back. It had to be.

"But _The Dead _ended it all on a bit of hope. The snow falls on the living and the dead. There's a fairness there. And winter comes, but spring follows. The snow melts and life returns." Ms. Molly Mendes shrugged.

Spencer found it odd to be getting an analysis of James Joyce from a parole officer, an unlikely source of literary criticisms. But prison taught her that people were not just their surfaces. They had their depths. Like the woman with healing hands who could never heal her own, burn scars forever reminding her of her crime. Or how the tough and stoic woman she had gotten off on the wrong foot with was an amazing artist, her canvas being skin. Or how even her cellmate that didn't speak much English or at all, there was a formidable opponent in chess in her and so much understanding in her eyes. Or the one inmate she didn't expect to be so gentle with her and that Spencer never expected to fall for. And without her care and attention, she would probably be still in prison, doing the daily shuffle through the pill line at the psych unit.

"What are you reading now?"

Spencer snapped her head back up at the question. Ms. Molly Mendes had returned the stack of books back to the cardboard box and makeshift bedside table. The parole officer got back up and had her hands at her hips, a reminder of the Glock she had holstered there.

"Uh..." Spencer still had her eyes on the gun. But then looked down at the floor. "I started with _The Count of Monte Cristo_."

"Really? And I suppose you will get to Dostoyevsky next?" Ms. Molly Mendes said, as if she was disappointed in Spencer's reading list.

"I'm rereading it. The last time I read it was in high school." Spencer glanced at the woman quickly, meeting her eyes and then bowed her head again. "I wanted to know if I could relate to it more since..." She trailed off, not able to finish her sentence.

"Okay." She glanced at the laundry basket half full of dirty clothes.

Spencer felt her face burn. She had planned to do laundry once she got home from work. But her parole officer had shown up. She was glad that she kept her apartment clean and orderly. Not that there was much to keep straightened up.

"Whose suit?" Ms. Molly Mendes nodded her head towards Eli's suit where it had been neatly folded and set down on one of the chairs. Spencer hoped she wasn't being accused of anything, though there was nothing to suggest that the parole officer was accusing her. This was one of the reasons she told Paige she couldn't take any of the money. Nothing escaped the eagle eye of Ms. Molly Mendes.

While the older woman had expressed that it could be returned when ever or even never, Spencer was set to pay to have it dry cleaned and return it promptly. What use did she have for it?

"My boss lent it to me. It was a costume for Halloween." Spencer explained slowly. She wasn't guilty of anything.

"What did you go as?" Ms. Molly Mendes went over to the suit and checked the pockets and inside the suit jacket as well. She felt along the lining.

"Cary Grant's character in _Notorious." _Spencer was confused as to what she would possibly hope to find. The parole officer had done the same to her field jacket, when she had seen the yellow thread that been used to stitch up the previously torn lining.

"Hmm," was the parole officer's response as she set the jacket, shirt, and pants over the back of the chair. "One last thing."

From seemingly out of nowhere, Ms. Molly Mendes produced a small brown paper bag and handed it to her. "Fill it up and return it to me. I'll wait."

Spencer wondered briefly about the contents of the paper bag. She opened the bag and saw a small plastic container that she was all too familiar with. Her stomach dropped, and she felt even more ashamed than with the laundry basket earlier. But she just nodded and went into the bathroom.

She took the container out of the bag and set it on the sink next to the faucet. She leaned against the sink and stared at it. She turned the water on and splashed some against her face. Glancing up at the mirror, Spencer saw what had everyone so concerned earlier. Dark circles under bleary eyes, pale skin and her hair up in a messy ponytail. She sighed. It was probably going to be the same again tomorrow after another sleepless night.

Going back to the container, Spencer stared at it once more. It wasn't going to change into anything else. She would have to submit a specimen for the mandatory drug test. She touched the crook of her right arm, and swallowed. Best to get it over with and keep Ms. Molly Mendes from waiting.

She finished up quickly and put the specimen bottle back into the brown paper bag. She bit her lip. After one moment of weakness, she had stayed away from drugs in prison. Spencer washed her hands and dried them off. She took the paper bag and its contents back out to the parole officer.

Ms. Molly Mendes took the bag with an apologetic nod. "Remember if anything changes, you call me. And before I forget. You're one of my easiest cases, so I'm thinking you can do without the curfew."

Spencer didn't know what to feel. It's not like she went out at night or had anywhere to be. But she guessed it was good to know that her PO trusted her. "Thank you, Ms. Mendes."

The parole officer nodded and left. Spencer locked the door behind her. Spencer looked around her apartment. She could re-refold the clothes that had been searched. But she didn't feel up to. She decided to get her laundry started instead.

She went to the laundry basket and saw that Ms. Molly Mendes had neatly folded the suit the way she had found it. She made a note to take it with her tomorrow and drop it off at the dry cleaners that she would walk pass on the way to the bakery from the bus stop. She grabbed her phone and slipped it into her front pocket followed by her copy of _The Count of Monte Cristo, _which she put it top of the clothes in her basket. She could read in the basement while waiting for her loads to finish.

Climbing down the steps to the basement, Spencer saw the landlord, Mr. Schwartz, a widower that lived in an apartment on the first floor. All he demanded of her was no drugs, no criminal activities, and that she paid the rent on time. She bit her lip; it was going to be a little late this month. When she explained this, Mr. Schwartz told her with a smile that her rent had been taken care of for the next three months.

"What?" Spencer croaked, brows furrowed in confusion. She had pretty much had to live on a day-to-day basis.

"Yes. Your friend paid for it."

Spencer felt the bottom of her stomach drop out. She briefly had this image of A paying for her rent, for some reason. She didn't know why she had thought that but she asked, "My friend?"

"Yes. Nice woman. Nice suit too. What did she say her name was? I should remember this because her face was very memorable. Reminded me of my wife. But there was something odd about her eye. Oh well, still attractive despite the scars. If I was younger..."

"Paige McCullers?"

"She said her name was Paige Fields. But yes. Probably. It's all taken care of like I said, so need to worry." Mr. Schwartz said goodbye and went to his apartment leaving Spencer to mull over the information she had just been given.

Balancing the laundry basket on her hip, Spencer took out her phone and texted Paige, mashing the buttons in frustration.

_We need to talk. _

Paige had replied with a request that they talk in the early morning, before either of them had to show up to work. Spencer agreed reluctantly, but her annoyance did not diminish with the two hours of sleep she had gotten. She showed up to her meeting with Paige armed with a scowl and crossed arms.

Paige was already sitting in a booth at the diner she said they would meet at. She was dressed in thermal running gear for the cool early morning. Spencer had on her field jacket and was wearing a flannel shirt lined with fleece with another shirt on underneath. Even though Paige had on less, she looked warmer than Spencer felt.

In front of her the lawyer had a glass of orange juice. "Good morning, Spencer."

Spencer continued scowling but slid into the booth. Once she had slipped out of her jacket, Paige signaled for a waitress to come over.

One came over with a pot of coffee and turned over the mug that was in front of Spencer and poured some of the black liquid for her. The waitress looked like she was straight from central casting, the graying hair hidden by a bad dye job and heavy make up caked on.

"Thanks, Dottie." Paige smiled at the waitress.

"Where's that cute kid and wife of yours?" Dottie's voice was scratchy. She eyed Spencer suspiciously.

"They're still sleeping. Emily's not much of a morning person." Paige looked across the table at her. "This is our friend Spencer."

Spencer nodded a greeting, while she warmed her hands with the mug of coffee. She wanted Dottie to leave so she could get mad at Paige properly.

"What can I get ya?" Dottie asked a little more warmly.

"Em loves the danishes here." Paige prodded.

"Just the cinnamon toast and eggs, scrambled." Spencer tacked on a "please" as was dictated by common courtesy. No need to take her ire with Paige out on a fellow service industry worker. The lawyer was going to insist on paying for this as well. That was the problem.

Dottie made a note of it and went behind the diner. Spencer glanced around. There was only one other person at this hour, a man hunched over a cup of coffee and a danish.

"Why did you do it?" Spencer hissed out.

"Do what?" Paige took a sip of her orange juice.

"Pay for my rent. I don't need your pity." She kept her voice under control, not letting it rise. Although it was dangerously close to doing so.

"It's your money." Paige stated calmly. "And I don't pity you. It's what you're owed. I just want to help you. And in return you help me end this. We're partners."

Spencer frowned. Her already lacking detective skills were rusty. She was no closer to catching A than she was 15 years ago. Paige had been charged and ready to go after A, even though the shadow had been quiet lately, having sent Spencer a few taunts that left her shaken. A knew about her dream. She didn't know if she was up for the chase. She couldn't even maintain her anger with Paige fully.

Paige softened at Spencer's apparent collapse and retreat. "But how are you? You look tired."

Spencer wished everyone would stop asking her how she was. She looked down into the depths of her coffee mug. She gritted her teeth, but her response came out half-heartedly. "I'm fine."

"You used to be a much better liar." Paige sounded disappointed.

That stung. Paige knew her from before, when she was at her best. She had been so proud, so arrogant. No one would have guessed that Spencer Hastings would have peaked in high school. Academics, field hockey, extracurriculars, her social life, Toby, A. She could juggle everything and stop it all from crashing down. In the end, she was the only one to shatter. Gravity always wins.

Wasn't that how one of the last A messages had read? _After the pride, comes the fall. _

Her hands shook, and she felt the tears come against her wishes. Not now. Not in front of Paige. But her body refused to cooperate.

"I know."


	13. Chapter 13

Author's Note: Hey guys. Sorry this is late. I was studying for an exam, but it got moved to next week. So I had time to sit and finish this. I also have to present a case so I will be busy this weekend and the next chapter will be late as well. Brace yourselves. I feel that this fic will probably be pretty long? Thanks for reading and reviewing. Feel free to ask questions.

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The doorbell rang. Emily had her hands full, on the way to the table to put out more Pigs in a Blanket, a party classic. Paige was still in the kitchen checking on the sliders and mini pizzas. But Emily spotted Hanna and Caleb standing out of the gaggle of kids attending Teddy's birthday party.

"Could you get that?" Emily transferred the snack foods to the half filled tray. Playing hostess was no easy task, especially to the kids that Teddy had invited from her class, swimming lessons, and the soccer team and their parents. Paige was a natural at party planning, keeping it light and fun. Her mother was in the kitchen as well, making sure everyone was happy and fed.

"Sure thing Doc! Just ask the pregnant lady to do everything." Hanna huffed and waddled off towards the front door.

Caleb shot Emily an apologetic grin, before following after his wife. "I think Em was talking to me."

"Well, I'm up already." She huffed.

Emily shook her head at her blonde friend, and popped a Pig in a Blanket into her mouth. She chewed happily and swallowed. Before she could grab another one, she startled at the sound of the front door being slammed. Caleb shouted at Hanna. Some of the kids looked up at the noise, but went back to playing. A few of the parents looked at her questioningly, but she smiled at them both reassuringly and went to the foyer to assess the situation.

Caleb had the door open again, while Hanna had an annoyed look on her face. Emily didn't have to guess at who had been at the door. She pushed past Caleb and went out into the hall.

"Hey!" Emily rushed forward and put her hand on Spencer's shoulder to stop her. The other woman turned to face her. She smiled happily, even though she was nervous. She hadn't seen Spencer since the kiss. She had been afraid. "You made it."

Spencer glanced up at the bomber hat she was wearing, confused before looking down. "Teddy gave me an invitation and I said I would, so I thought." She trailed off, rubbing at her right arm. "Could you give this to her?" She held out a carefully wrapped package.

While Emily knew Spencer could hardly afford to go off budget for Teddy's gift, the lithe brunette was too proud to show up empty handed. "I'm sure she'd rather get it from you."

"Just tell her I had to go back to work or that I had to see my parole officer." Spencer said dejectedly, an obvious attempt to remind Emily that she was no good. When Hanna slammed the door in her face, she had also slammed Spencer's esteem into the ground. It tugged at Emily's heart to see Spencer so defeated, but all the more determined to get her old friend back.

"Please don't start lying to her too."

Spencer was still looking anywhere but Emily.

"Stay. Please. Teddy wants you here. I want you here." She reached for the other woman's hand, a small victory when she didn't jerk away. Spencer gave her a shy smile and let Emily lead her back to the apartment.

Spencer stopped though at hearing hushed voices floating out of the doorway. Hanna and Caleb. Emily wished the couple had gone elsewhere to have their attempt at a hushed argument. Spencer looked nervous, so she gave her hand a squeeze. When the two of them had finally entered, only Caleb was standing in the foyer.

"Hey there Spencer." The bearded man greeted and went in to hug an old friend. Emily cringed at how the brunette reacted to the hug, tense but then returned the hug awkwardly and weakly, as if she didn't know what to do with her arms.

Caleb let Spencer go. "Sorry. It's just so good to see you again."

Spencer nodded, looking distressed. Emily was about to step in, when Paige approached them.

"Spencer!" Her wife's tone was friendly, which surprised her. But then again Paige didn't know about the kiss. She forced the error in judgment to the back of her mind. "Hanna said you were here. Glad to have you. Let me get your coat."

Emily wouldn't have called what Spencer had on a coat, but instead a relic. It was an old green field jacket that probably had been in service before her father was in the army. Spencer shrugged out of it without it falling apart to Emily's relief, and Paige hung it up in the closet.

Spencer was wearing a white dress shirt that had been pressed and ironed with dark jeans that looked new. Emily didn't want to think that the woman had bought new clothes just for the party, but wouldn't put it past her.

"You're missing a hat." Paige beamed.

Spencer's looked at the three of them and then at the kids running around the party. "Oh. I didn't…"

"It's okay. The birthday girl picked one out for you. Be right back." She tipped the black porkpie hat she had on and then stalked off, dodging around the children running and playing.

"She's not kidding," Paige had a large collection of hats. In fact the bomber hat she had on belonged to her wife. Some of them she actually wore and a few were left over from Halloween costumes past. There was a top hat among the collection, a memory from their first Halloween together. Caleb was wearing a flat cap. Emily was sure Paige owned one in similar material, but in a tan color instead of grey. It was fitting that was the hat Caleb had on because Hanna was wearing a cloche hat, not unlike what a flapper would wear. It made her think of Aria, who not being able to make it to the party had sent Teddy a birthday card with a set of water colors.

"I owned my fare share of hats." Spencer ventured, testing the waters of conversation.

Emily laughed, pleased that Spencer was opening up. "Who could forget?" The Great Gatsby still on her mind, she remembered the time that the brunette had worn an outfit inspired by the novel they had spent forever studying in the late Ezra Fitz's class. "You had a lot, but the stand out was when you dressed up as Jordan Baker."

"You remembered." The smile on Spencer's face was the biggest and brightest Emily had seen so far, even though it was the most bashful.

"Of course I did." Emily wanted Spencer to smile even more. Her lips. She quieted the want in her head. She could only be Spencer's friend and nothing more. She frowned.

"Whatever happened to Mr. Fitz?" Spencer looked between her and Caleb. Her earlier frown hidden by the question. Caleb gave her a worried look. This did not go unnoticed by the woman.

"Spencer!" For the second time, Emily was saved from having to act. Teddy was bounding over to them holding a deerstalker hat in her hands, with her two friends, Shelby and Julian, trailing behind her. She saw her wife smiling at them while talking to Julian's dads. The little girl caught Spencer in a hug. Emily noticed that the lithe brunette was more relaxed than with the earlier hug.

When the hug finally ended, Teddy bounced up and down excitedly. "My mama said you were here! I gots your hat for you. It's like Sherlock Holmes. He's the smartest person in a book. Cept for Hermione Granger. But she doesn't have a hat. And you're really smart too so here."

Spencer looked really surprised but honored at the jumble of words that fell out of her daughter's mouth. She took the offered hat, and put it on her head. "How do I look?"

"Very smart." Emily smiled at how adorable Spencer looked, how happy and at ease once more.

"Thank you." Spencer smirked, and her heart fluttered. "And I deduce based on your lack of hat and your pretty dress, and the way your friends are dressed," She nodded at the two other giggling children who were wearing a bunny ear beanie and a top hat respectively. "Would make you Alice and this a Mad Tea Party."

"I told you she was smart." Teddy beamed.

Julian pushed his hat on top of his head, moving it out of his eyes. "My daddy didn't get it either, until I explained Teddy's note to wear a hat."

Apparently Teddy had neglected to include that note with Spencer's invitation, possibly in order to set it up so the woman to show up without a hat, so she would end up wearing the one of the little girl's choosing. And quite possibly to show Spencer off. If that was the case, then Emily was impressed.

"Happy Birthday, kid." Spencer handed her gift to Teddy.

"Oh my Gosh! Thank you! You didn't hafta get me anything. You're here." Teddy clutched the package to her chest. "Oh yeah! These are my friends, Shelby and Julian. Guys, this is my Spencer." Teddy grabbed Spencer's hand. "She's really smart and really pretty. And she gots tattoo drawings. And Shelby, Spencer can talk Chinese too!"

That surprised Emily, but she figured that it really shouldn't have. Of course she learned Chinese. And probably many other things as well. Spencer had obviously kept herself busy in prison. Her body was well muscled and fit. She remembered how Spence's arms were toned, the feel of her abs against her hands, warm skin on a cool night. A forbidden taste.

She closed her eyes to the want, the memory leaving her burning. She couldn't want that anymore. But she knew that she needed it.

"Mandarin or Cantonese?" Caleb asked, clearly enjoying the mood being lightened by the children. Emily tried to focus on the scene in front of her, hoping to distract herself.

"Mandarin." Spencer spoke a phase in a flowing language to the small girl, who giggled. Shelby gave a response, and Spencer nodded.

"I'm impressed." Caleb laughed. He got on level with Shelby. "What did she say?"

"Um... that there's lots of silly hats, but that Teddy's mommy looks really pretty and not silly." Shelby giggled again, this time Teddy and Julian joined her feeling left out. Spencer looked bashful again, at being paid a complement and being caught paying one to Emily.

Emily smiled at Spencer's sweetness. It was reassuring to see that it was not lost. There was a flicker of her friend in there. She was so beautiful when smiled unrestrained.

"Why Mandarin though?" Caleb looked curious. Emily had wondered the same thing.

"My," Spencer looked at the kids, who were distracted with the wrapped gift, trying to figure what was inside. Emily had told Teddy she needed to wait to open the presents all at the same time. The lithe brunette decided she could speak freely. "My bunkie was Chinese. I taught myself and I had plenty of time."

"But apparently not enough time to write Emily or Aria back. Or let Emily visit you." Hanna had come over to them. Spencer shrank back. The blonde looked her up and down. "And I guess they don't sell TRESemmé products in prison."

"Hanna." Caleb warned. They were gaining an audience.

The blonde woman just continued to glare at Spencer, who was now shaking. Emily stepped in between the two of them. She wasn't sure if she should touch Spencer, afraid and shocked at the sudden transformation.

"Hey everyone," Paige called for the guests' attention. "We're going to play a game. There are prizes for the winners. Karolina here is going to explain the rules." The kids and the parents in attendance went to participate and watch. Once Karolina started explaining the rules of "Bring Me" with all eyes on the young woman, Paige came over to them.

"What are you doing?" She hissed at them. She looked between Hanna and Caleb, and then at Emily. Spencer still had her head down and was still shaking. Seeing this, Paige pushed impatiently past her and wrapped an arm around Spencer. The woman relaxed and let herself be led off by Paige.

Emily frowned as she watch them go. That should have been her comforting Spencer. Paige always fell into that protector role. She didn't even give Emily the chance. But still Emily was confused. When did those two get close?

She rounded on Hanna and dragged her to the kitchen, Caleb rushing to catch up with them.

"What the hell, Hanna!" Her frustrations poured out and Hanna was the target.

"No. What's she doing here? She's just going to hurt you again." Hanna raised her voice to match Emily's.

"Teddy invited her, and I asked her to come." Emily crossed her arms. "I'm just trying to be friends with her again."

"Don't expect me to welcome her back with open arms and a pat on the back." Hanna shot her husband a disappointed look at the mention of this. Then she looked back to Emily. "I'm not looking to get stabbed in the front again. I hope you know what you're doing." The blonde woman left the kitchen.

Caleb opened his mouth to say something, either to apologize for his wife or make an excuse for her. But Emily didn't want to hear it. "Unless you want to have two women mad at you, you need to think about what you're going to say next."

Her friend shut his mouth, and nodded weakly, then left to go find his wife.

Finally alone in the kitchen, Emily began trying to process what had happened. Everything had been going well. Spencer was enjoying herself and opening up. She was smiling, and less nervous. She was still a little shy, but she was starting to relax. She knew inviting Spencer to her daughter's party would get the desired results, get a little bit of the old Spencer back. But before she could congratulate herself on a plan coming together, Hanna had come over and ruined it all.

Spencer had just shut down. The change was so sudden, one minute she was opening up about something she had done in prison, something Emily didn't know anything about, to shaking at the blonde's raised voice and insults. There was a time when an exchange between those two would be affectionate teasing. But now there was venom in Hanna's words. And Spencer, who would have had a retort, had just stood there. It had worried her. She wasn't sure if Spencer was shaking because she was trying to hold back tears or controlling herself from fighting back.

She had to find Spencer to make sure she was okay. She rushed out of the kitchen and headed towards Paige's home office. That's where they had probably gone off to. It was were Paige went to be alone with her thoughts if she couldn't get out to the streets or water, where she went to work when she had Teddy on the weekends, and today to have a conference with Spencer.

She went up to the door, which was open just a crack. She was about to knock, but couldn't help but listen in on the conversation flittering out.

"How are you sleeping?" Paige asked gently.

Spencer who was sniffling a bit, answered in a shaking voice. "A bit better. The dreams are. Still there. Talking about it helped, I guess. But they won't leave me alone." She sounded distressed.

"She won't leave me alone. Her in that mask..."

If Emily was hearing correctly, Spencer was talking about their kiss. She thought it was a dream. She was losing sleep over it. It was now that Emily realized how Spencer looked when she first arrived. Tired. The bleary eyes and slumped shoulders. She had been so happy to see the other woman, that she had overlooked the dark circles, focusing only on those lips.

What was she going to do now?

That pit of guilt came back. She had set out to make sure Spencer wouldn't tell Paige about the kiss. It would destroy her. Emily knew she needed to be the one to tell her wife. But she just didn't know how. She had told Paige about how she felt about Spencer, and they were still recovering from that.

But Spencer didn't even think the kiss was real. Could she actually just bury what happened and pretend that it never happened?

For someone that didn't like being lied to, she was really good at lying to those she loved.

She had planned on telling Spencer that the kiss been a mistake. She loved Paige. She was with Paige, who could never know about the kiss. But she had to have Spencer in her life, even if it meant that they would only be friends. She had done it before. She could do it again.

Right?

_It was just the two of them hanging out. Hanna had a date with Caleb, and Aria was having a mandatory dinner with her family. Spencer invited her to sleep over. Her parents were out of town again, and she didn't want to be alone. It lead to Emily leaning against the counter in the kitchen while Spencer was ordering them a pizza. _

_"Thank you." Spencer hung up the phone. She smiled at Emily. "As always your pepperoni and mushroom is going to take 45 minutes."_

_"I told you we didn't have to get that. I can deal with eggplant. You're paying for it." Emily bit her lip._

_"My parents are paying for it. And pepperoni and mushroom is your favorite. I don't mind." Spencer went to a cabinet and took out glasses. "I'll just slip you my mushrooms." She raised her eyebrows when she grinned. "And we have ice cream for later. We can have those with the brownie your mom made."_

_"But you hate mushrooms!" Emily took the glass Spencer gave to her, and turned it around and around in her hands._

_"But you love them." Spencer opened the fridge door and took out a pitcher of water. She poured them drinks. "Really Em, it's no big deal."_

_"Okay. But next time we're going to order the toppings you want and I'll give you my eggplant." Emily took a sip of water as Spencer put a bag of popcorn in the microwave._

_Spencer's laugh rang out. "Deal."_

_They went to the living room once Spencer got the popcorn into a bowl. Emily sat down on the couch and Spencer fiddled around with the connection between her laptop and the flat screen. "Sorry if this doesn't work, we can watch the movies on my bed. Or, or there's a Hitchcock marathon on. As if we need more mystery in our lives."_

_"Sure." Emily hoped Spencer figured it out. She could be alone with the other girl even though her heart was beating faster each time. This little crush on her friend would be the end of her. The thought of simply being on Spencer's bed with her, just the two of them, Emily didn't know what would happen. "But I know you'll figure it out. I have faith in you."_

_"I really want to watch this movie Aria was talking about. _The Brothers Bloom. _She said it had amazing cinematography. Plus no one can say no to Rachel Weisz." Spencer grinned up at her. The laptop and TV finally connected pleasing the skinny brunette. She clapped happily "Awesome. And maybe we can watch the director's first movie. _Brick."

_"What's that about?" Emily asked, knowing that Aria like to really watch artistic movies. "It's not going to be weird. Like some French film about trains?"_

_"I trust Aria." Spencer looked over at her. "I know that JGL is in it. So it must be good. I also had _The Shawshank Redemption _in my queue. I've been meaning to watch that since forever. But I don't want to watch it alone." _

_Emily agreed to watch the movies Spencer wanted to watch. The pizza came at the start of the opening credits for _The Brothers Bloom, _which the skinny brunette announced was perfect timing because she was starving._

_"I don't know how you can eat so much and stay so thin. If I ate as much as you did I'd be big as a house." Emily laughed at Spencer, who after finishing off most of the pizza minus the mushrooms, had made herself a brownie sundae to eat during _Brick.

_"I was blessed with a fast metabolism." Spencer spooned the last of the ice cream and brownie into her mouth, and swallowed. "Or cursed. You, uh, have those gorgeous curves. You're gorgeous." _

_Emily felt her face flush. "Thanks, Spence."_

_Spencer put her bowl down on top of the pizza box, and snuggled into Emily's side. This made the swimmer inhale deeply, but she relaxed at the other girl's closeness. It was friendly, nothing more. Just like it used to be. And how it always would be._

_"Mmm. You're so warm. And I'm cold." Spencer wiggled in closer._

_This was a side of the overachieving brunette that not many people saw. There were not that many people Spencer would allow to see this side of her. Emily was one of the select few that got to see this side of her. The stress of daily life and A didn't take that part of Spencer away._

_"Well," Emily swallowed thickly. "You did just inhale all that ice cream."_

_"I did not." Spencer swatted her thigh playfully, but then settled in again and they watched the next movie. But Emily must have been the perfect pillow because Spencer had fallen asleep on her. The taller girl was fine with that. Her friend could always use the sleep. She could get used to this. She could pretend. Emily was so comfortable that she fell asleep soon after._

_A vibrating woke Emily up. Her phone. Spencer stirred at the noise as well. "Make it stop." But didn't wake up from her position in Emily's lap._

_It was just a text message since the vibrating stopped. Count on A to ruin a perfect moment. She was worried that their tormentor would bring up her attraction to Spencer. She picked up her phone. The text message was from Toby._

Hey, Em. Thanks for staying with Spencer this weekend. I hate the thought of her being alone. You're such a great friend. Hope you got her to sleep.

_Emily closed out of the message without replying. She almost wished that it had been A that had texted instead. She felt guilty. Toby was a good friend. But sometimes she wished that he and Spencer had never gotten together. Even if she had never seen her friend so happy before Toby came along._

_She checked the time on her phone. It was fast approaching 1 am and the movies had long stopped playing. She hated to but she had to wake up Spencer. They would probably be much more comfortable upstairs in her bedroom._

_"Hey." Emily shook Spencer awake gently. The girl woke up slowly and she thought that was the most beautiful thing a girl could do. She could have spent mornings being the first one to wake up next to Spencer, just to watch those brown eyes flutter open._

_"Hey." Spencer smiled up at her, still not moving her head. "Did I fall asleep on you?"_

_"Literally and figuratively." Emily couldn't resist running her hand through Spencer's hair._

_"Oh. Sorry. I hope I didn't drool on you. But I find that I always get the best sleep of my life when I'm not alone." Spencer moved her head into Emily's hand, nuzzling into her touch._

_"A little drool. But, but you looked so adorable. I didn't want to wake you. But we'd probably be both comfortable upstairs."_

_"Probably." Neither of them moved to get up._

_"Spencer. My leg is the only thing that's asleep." Emily lied, hating to have to end the moment. Her friend got up and she missed the contact immediately. They settled into Spencer's bed and exchanged "Good nights."_

_Emily rolled onto her side facing away from Spencer. She was trying not to think about the earlier text message. She was just trying to fall asleep. The sooner she did, the sooner she could wake up before her friend did, try to witness Spencer waking up again. She could pretend in the dark bedroom all she wanted. But the morning rays would bring reality._

_Spencer was with Toby, and they were only friends._

Paige broke the silence. "Spencer, I meant it when I said you can talk to me about anything. And I'm sure Emily-"

"No." Spencer said forcefully. "No. She can't know. She, she's not like us."

Emily peeked through the crack in the door. Spencer was standing up in the middle of the room. Paige put a hand on her shoulder, and she relaxed. Emily felt a heat burning through her insides, to every tip of herself. That should be her comforting Spencer.

What was wrong with her? Paige was better equipped to deal with this Spencer. Emily was still expecting the girl she grew up with instead of this stranger who resembled her. The girl that always had a snarky retort ready. The overachiever that was going to take on the world and shape it. Her friend. Instead of this broken woman with rough edges.

And Paige. Her wife had such a big heart. Other people would have turned their rival away, relished their downfall and took glee in their failure. Not Paige. That compassion was one of the reasons why Emily had been drawn to Paige. It had been so easy to love Paige because of that.

"I'm sure Emily wouldn't think any differently of you." Paige spoke gently.

"She does. I know she does. I'm just some stranger. I shouldn't have come." Spencer was rubbing her right arm again, not meeting Paige's eyes.

"You're here now. We want you here. You can rebuild your friendship with her." Paige was surprisingly good with Spencer.

"I don't get you. If the situation was reversed, I'd have left you to rot." Spencer's voice wavered. She laughed bitterly.

"Maybe not. You'll do right. I think you always do right when it matter most." Paige glanced at the door. "We should get back, don't you think?"

Spencer nodded, a small smile on her face. "Paige. Thank you."

"It's no problem." Paige winked with her good eye, and straightened up Spencer's collar. "Let's go. Before they send out a search party." Paige grinned.

Emily knocked at the door, took a deep breath, and opened the door. Her wife looked at her. "Too late."

"Hey. I thought I'd give you guys some time." Emily bit her lip. She went over to Spencer. "Are you okay? I'm sorry about Hanna. She shouldn't have said that to you.

"It's fine. I deserved that." Spencer looked down at her shoes.

Emily looked over at Paige, who nodded at her. She'd have to get used to this Spencer. She put her hand on Spencer's shoulder just like her wife had done earlier, even though she wanted to just hold the other woman in her arms. "No. You don't. We're happy you came."

"The two of us and Teddy." Paige chimed in. "She adores you. And I know that if we don't get back out there soon, she will come looking for us. And it's probably time we got to the cake."

Spencer straightened up and fixed the hat on her head. She glanced at the hat that Emily had on and full on grinned. "That hat is ridiculous. I'm sorry. It had to be said."

"Excuse me, didn't you say I looked good in it earlier?" Emily pouted, but took a glance at her wife.

"It is pretty ridiculous, Em." Paige laughed richly. She held the door open for her and Spencer. She put her hand on the small of Spencer's back and guided her through the door. Once they were both out, Paige closed the door behind them.

Wayne was waiting for them, wearing a garrison cap. "There you are. We're getting ready for the cake. The troops are getting restless. You okay there Spencer?" He wore a look of fatherly concern.

Spencer looked surprised at the attention she was getting from Emily's father. "Uh. Yes, Sir."

"Glad to hear it." Wayne gave her a warm smile. Emily was grateful for father's kindness. Neither of her parents had condemned Spencer when she had been arrested. Her mother, as well as Mrs. Montgomery and Mrs. Marin supported Veronica Hastings throughout the trial and the whole time Spencer had been in prison up until Veronica had lost her battle with cancer. Pam had expressed disappointment that Spencer didn't let Emily visit or write back, but had no reservations that her daughter and granddaughter were associating with an ex-con. They trusted her judgment.

Paige announced that they were ready to blow out the candles to cheers, while Emily went to get the cake. Her mother was standing by the cake, setting up six candles while chatting to Nina. When she spotted her daughter, she looked worried. "Is Spencer alright?"

Emily smiled. "Yes, Mom. Paige got her calmed down."

"Poor Spencer. I wish Veronica had lived long enough to see her daughter out of prison. It's a shame. I'm glad she has you and Paige." Pam gave her daughter a one armed hug.

"I'm glad you raised such a kind hearted daughter. Spencer really could use the support right now." Nina said.

Emily looked away at the praise she was getting. She took her lighter out of her pocket, and lit the candles. Pam looked at it disapprovingly, but didn't comment on it. "We better get this out to them."

Emily carried the cake from the kitchen, and started singing the first line to "Happy Birthday". Everyone joined in and when it finished, Teddy blew out the candles.

"What did you wish for?" Julian asked.

"Can't tell you! Or it won't come true! That's the rules." Teddy smirked.

Paige started slicing the cake into squares, and Emily passed out the slices, making sure everyone had a piece. She made sure Spencer had a slice, even though she tried to beg off. "Come on, Spence. It's my favorite cake."

Spencer took the cake from Emily. She then got herself a slice. It really was her favorite cake. She ate a piece and almost moaned. "So good."

Spencer just gave her an amused smile, and slowly savored the cake, as if she was trying to make the moment last. Emily was thinking about getting another slice when Teddy asked if they could open presents now.

Emily set her paper plate down, and asked everyone to gather around for presents. She had told her daughter to thank everyone that got her a gift, though there was no doubt in her mind that Teddy need be reminded to do this. She was a good kid, when she wasn't being a handful.

Teddy's face would light up with each gift, whether it was a book, clothes, or donations made in her name to a local animal shelter in lieu of gifts. Her daughter surprised her sometimes. Although part of this was her way of showing that she still wanted a dog.

Emily made eye contact with Spencer who was standing a bit aways from everyone else. She was still nursing her slice of cake. She worried that she wasn't enjoying herself. But then Solomon and Karolina found her, and started talking to her. Paige handed her the next gift with knowing look. "Hey. You should open Spencer's gift next."

"Yeah!" Teddy shouted from next to Julian and Shelby at the table. "Where's Spencer!"

Spencer looked up at her name being called, and Karolina took her cake while Solomon pushed her forward. The small crowd parted to let her through.

Teddy took extra care with Spencer's gift. It had been neatly wrapped in a purple gift-wrap. "It's so pretty. And purple! My favorite color." The little girl was beaming up at Spencer. She opened it up.

Emily wasn't really familiar with the brand of colored pencils Spencer had bought, but knowing her friend they had to be on the pricey side. They looked it too, 48 colored pencils in a nice wooden case.

"Colored pencils? That's stupid," one of the boys from Teddy's class remarked. Emily frowned and looked over at Spencer, she was ducking her head. The boy's father chided him for his outburst.

"No. They're really nice. I love them Spencer. Thank you." Teddy was holding the case to her chest. Spencer simply nodded, happy that Teddy loved her gift. Before Spencer could slip away though Emily caught her hand.

"Thank you. Really." Emily wasn't just thanking Spencer for Teddy's gift, but for coming to the party. There was so much more that needed to be said, and Spencer was agreeing to be around to hear it all.

"It was nothing." Spencer looked away shyly, and Emily let her go, hoping to find her again later.

There were only a few more gifts left. Paige nudged her. Emily looked at her in confusion. Her wife gestured with a nod, and she followed and didn't like what she saw. Hanna had Spencer cornered, with Caleb nowhere to be seen. She cursed to herself silently. Paige was about to go when Emily stopped her. She told Teddy she would be back and she went over to her friends quickly.

Not quickly enough. Before she could stop it, Hanna had poured her drink onto Spencer. Emily gasped. Spencer looked like she was about to explode, an outburst at the ready. But she just stalked off. Caleb finally showed up, looking between her and his wife.

"What happened?"

Emily just held her hand up to Caleb, shutting him out. "Just go. Say your goodbyes to Teddy and Paige. I can't stand to look at you right now." Emily spoke to Hanna. She was furious, but now wasn't the time to get into an argument. She headed in the direction Spencer had gone.

She found her in the bedroom she shared with Paige, tears in her eyes. She had taken the deerstalker hat off and had tossed it haphazardly onto the bed. Emily took her own hat off and put on the bed next to it. She ran a hand through her hair and sighed.

"Emily. I'm sorry. I was looking for the bathroom and I got lost." Spencer wasn't looking at her. She was trying not to cry. Her voice was cracking and her hands were shaking too much to get the buttons on her shirt undone. "It's going to stain. It's not even my shirt. And I just."

"Hey. It's okay." Emily went to help her. She focused on getting the buttons undone, trying not to look at Spencer's lips. "It's alright. We'll get the shirt cleaned up." Spencer slipped out of the shirt. Underneath she had on a white ribbed tank top, she tried not to think of think of that night. She took the shirt from Spencer and went into the bathroom. She got a stain remover out from under the sink and sprayed some on the stain. It would be good as new after leaving it to set for ten minutes. Emily knew Spencer wasn't upset over the shirt.

When she got back to the bedroom, Spencer was looking at a photo on the dresser. It was of her and Paige from their honeymoon in Palawan, standing on the beach, the sun starting to set. The plan had been to pose, but she had caught Paige in a kiss. Her wife had just happiest look on her face.

Emily went to the closet, ignoring the pang of guilt that had become an unwelcomed companion. She took out the sweater she had been knitting the nights she had exiled herself to late nights on the couch. "I told Hanna to leave. Which I should have done earlier."

"She belongs here more than I do." Spencer murmured, tearing her eyes away from the photo.

"I wish you'd believe me when I say that I want you here." Emily smiled at her softly. Her eyes traveled across the skin on display. The tattoos marking Spencer's skin. They were really good. On her left arm, Spencer had four nautical stars and two sparrows. There were more on the inner aspects of both her forearms but she couldn't make out what they were. There was a raised scar on her right bicep, and something told her there were more scars on Spencer's body. Her eyes drifted and stopped at Spencer's collarbone. She could make out the word "LIAR" in following script. She frowned and reached out to touch it.

Spencer's hand shot up and caught hers. It surprised her; the suddenness and the dark look on the lithe brunette's face, a hard edge. But just as quickly as it had come on, Spencer released her and stumbled away from her, face contorted in anguish at the possibility of hurting Emily.

"Hey. Shhh, I have you." Emily consoled Spencer. She stood in front of her, sweater on the bed forgotten. She cupped Spencer's face with her hand. They were so close. She brushed her thumb over the scar on her lip. A line from the pale pink all the way to the bottom of her nose. A damage Emily wanted to kiss, but to never have fade away. Just give it a different meaning. It was hers. Her mark.

"Please." This time Spencer didn't close her eyes, her hand went up to Emily wrist, gently holding it in place. Instead, she's searching Emily's eyes. Hurt and confusion. Realization.

The bedroom door opened and Pam stood in the doorway, taking in the closeness between the two of them. Spencer pulled away and snatched the sweater off the bed. She turned her back on Emily to pull the sweater over her head. The white tank top rose a bit, revealing the edge of a tattoo and another jagged scar.

Pam cleared her throat, a demand that her daughter meet her eyes. There was a look of suspicion on her mother's face. She had walked in on Emily sharing an intimate moment with someone that was not her wife. "Teddy is asking for you both." They would be talking about this later; there was no avoiding it. But Pam closed the door giving Emily a moment to fix it or to end it.

"It was real." Spencer rounded on her, upset. A dark cloud on her features.

"Yes."

"You left. You left me there. In the dark. I couldn't get out. Why?" Spencer was shaking again, body and voice. She pressed the heel of her palm into her eye, physically trying to hold back the tears that were once again brimming. She was completely destroyed. "I thought I could trust you!"

Spencer stormed out of the room. She didn't have the heart to go after her. Out of the four of them, Emily had been the most trustworthy. Not so much these days. She sat down on the bed she shared with Paige, head in her hand. "You left me first."


	14. Chapter 14

Hey guys. Sorry that this is so late. Even though we might have different definitions of the word. A couple of days off my usual weekly. Crazy intense chapter, I will give it a trigger warning due to a flashback (within a flashback) being violent. Torture, abuse, and character death. Brace yourselves. And also a conversation about death occurs in this chapter.

This chapter is a weird headspace. But read and review. I seriously love hearing from you. And I try to stay on top of replying back.

Disclaimer: I do not own PLL.

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A lot of thinking was done on the bus. But Spencer found none of her thoughts easy or kind. They were more dark and tortured. The kiss was real. The masked stranger had been Emily. Her costume had been a bandit, a thief in the night. It was fitting. Emily had stolen her heart a long time ago. Now there was nothing left to take, just to punish. The girl of her dreams had abandoned her to a nightmare.

If she couldn't trust Emily, who could she trust?

Paige. She had Paige. There was something solid about the woman. Something safe. She had listened to Spencer, come to her aid, had been helping her all along. And helping her still. Paige insisted on showing her understanding and compassion, when they both knew that if the roles had been reversed, Spencer would have been merciless in trying to prove that Paige was a danger, not to be trusted.

But Spencer knew she was the dangerous one. She felt it down past her skin, deep in her bones. She could only hurt. She knew how to hurt with words and actions, with silence and inertia. Her early years in prison taught her how to use her fists, to deal out damage and return the bruises and scars given her in kind. Cut her and she would bleed betrayal.

Because when Paige found about the kiss between her and Emily. She squeezed her eyes shut. She would lose everything she had begun to build. Nothing ever stayed. They didn't need A's help to destroy themselves. She did a good job of that on her own.

The bus jostled her and she opened her eyes. The pothole that needed to be filled in let Spencer know that she was almost to her apartment. She caught a glimpse of her reflection in the window. Her eyes were red, and she had an intense scowl on her face, which explained why even though the bus was mostly full, no one was sitting next to her. She sighed. Even strangers could sense her offness and knew enough to stay away.

The birthday party had been happy until Hanna had cornered her. It was the third time and the final strike. Hanna had slammed the door in her face. She was used to getting rejected. Hanna called her out for not letting Emily or Aria visit her. She deserved that. Hanna brought up her appearance. The blonde could see through her attempts at trying to look nice. She had bought a new pair of jeans for the occasion and paired it with the white dress shirt from the suit Eli had lent her. Spencer had almost felt like her old self.

But being cornered by Hanna while she was trying to find a place to be alone after Teddy had said she loved the colored pencils she had given her was the last thing she could take.

_Spencer was so humbled that Teddy loved her present. She didn't know why that was making her so emotional. She needed a moment to herself. She broke away from the group and went off in search of a spot to be alone in Paige and Emily's spacious apartment._

_The place was huge, with high ceilings and big windows. It wasn't crowded despite the amount of people there for the party. It had gorgeous polished pinewood floors. The furniture was nice and comfortable, as well as classy and expensive looking. But it was still kid friendly. And it felt lived in. A family lived here. _

_There were so many photographs of Paige and Emily's lives, their history as a couple and then as a family when Teddy came into the world. The only things that marked the last fifteen years of Spencer's life were scars. _

_She moved down the hallway to look at more photographs, when Hanna found her._

_"Do you think a present and a smile is going to make up for everything you did?" Hanna snarled. Spencer stumbled back, surprised at the anger in her mouth and at her sudden appearance. She had let her guard down after Paige had made her feel safe and Emily felt like home, but there was always a danger. Always a threat. She hated that it came in the form of an old friend._

_"I just-" Spencer quivered. Everything inside her body screamed at her to fight back, to strike out. That's what raised voices meant to her. That punishment was going to follow. But the blonde woman was a friend. She could never hurt her. And she deserved this. All of this._

_"I need to thank whoever ruined your face. It's a warning. It lets everyone know you're just as ugly on the inside." Hanna smirked. She knew. She knew that's how Spencer felt about her nose and the scar on her lip. The old insecurities. No one could ever be attracted to her with these brands. She was marked._

_Spencer looked down, fists clenched tight. An echo sounding in her head, cold cement at her back. Being held down while a CO made sure he was looking the other way. Hands pulling at her hair. The burn of a cigarette on her right forearm, followed by another. She didn't cry out. She bit down on her lip until she tasted blood. She wouldn't give her tormentor the satisfaction of her scream. She looked the woman dead in the eye when she brought the cigarette to her skin for a third time._

_She could taste blood in her mouth again. The muscle memory coming back, traveling down her shoulders, past her biceps to her fists. A current that needed an outlet. She looked back up at the woman standing in front of her, jaws clenched and heart pounding in her throat. _

_So close. But she remembered herself at the last second and a splash of cool liquid hitting her skin. She stalked off, needing to quarantine herself. She opened the first door she could find. It just turned out to be Emily and Paige's bedroom. She tore the hat off her head and threw it on the bed. She had lost herself and had almost hurt someone she loved and cared about. She took deep breaths, hoping each time she exhaled it would remove that shadow she couldn't shake, that squeezed her heart and lungs. Her hands tingled and her eyes stung. _

That's how Emily found her.

Emily. She gritted her teeth, and dug her nails into the palm of her hands. How could she do this to her? The kiss had been real, but she had been trapped in a dreamscape of the kiss over the last nights. She thought she was losing her mind, a phantom holding her hostage when she was awake and when she was asleep. Finding out the kiss was real did not bring her relief.

It was a wave of confusion. If it meant anything Emily would have stayed. If Emily wanted her... No. Emily couldn't want her. It was punishment for fifteen years of isolation. Worse than Hanna's words. She had fooled herself into thinking that Emily wanted anything to do with her. She was with Paige, married to Paige. Perfect Paige.

She got off the bus when her stop came. The cold biting at her hands and face. When she had left after giving a short goodbye to a disappointed Teddy, a worried Paige had gotten her field jacket and tried to give her gloves and a scarf. That had made Spencer irritated. What the hell was wrong with the woman? Couldn't she tell that Spencer didn't want her kindness and definitely didn't deserve it after kissing her wife, still wanting her wife? Her everything. She was supposed to be living the life Paige had.

Spencer's head was spinning. She couldn't keep her thoughts straight. It was all up and down, and sideways. She was running now, trying to outrun the anger and jealousy so it wouldn't consume her. She threw the door to her building open and bolted up the stairs, ignoring the noise she was making. She jabbed her keys into the lock and tore into her tiny room, letting the door shut behind her. She ripped the jacket off and paused at the sweater Emily had made her. It was a golden yellow, like the dress she had worn to the masquerade ball long ago. They still had their masks to wear, she and Emily. Another lie told and secret to keep. She pulled the sweater off and threw it against the wall. She took off her tank top, red where Hanna's punch had seeped through, left bloody after Emily's revelation had ripped her open. She got undressed and into the shower, turning the water as hot as she could stand it.

She itched for a needle. A physical pain to overtake the emotional war going on in her head. The needle knew how to soothe her. That was her addiction, getting ink set under her skin. But near scalding water was all she had. She punched the tile hard a couple times. Her knuckles stung and bled. She let herself slide to the floor, the spray of water concealing angry tears.

The next day she was late to work. She promised it wouldn't happen again. Nina frowned in disappointment, but Spencer felt that the reason was not because she had been tardy. She slipped her hand into the pocket of her jeans. Her knuckles were still raw and swollen. She had chosen to try to hide them by wearing the longest sleeves she owned. It probably wasn't working. She could feel Karolina and Solomon talking about her. They knew. Nina knew as well. It was only a matter of time before they came to talk to her. She didn't want to listen.

She kept her head down and didn't smile at the customers. She was a sullen mess. Eli pulled her from behind the counter and back into the kitchen. The older ex-con didn't ask her any questions or give any advice this time for which she was grateful. She had a pile of dishes and pans to wash. She felt so useless as her hands hurt throughout her task. She worked through the pain in the joints, rubber gloves stopping her cuts and scrapes from feeling the chemical sting of the dish soap. She had been so stupid to do that to her hands, glad that they weren't broken. She knew what a fracture felt like from experience.

This only added to her irritation. She had gotten little sleep and was still raw about Emily's betrayal, something she didn't know how to deal with. She could feel it festering in her skin. She was angry. She handled the pan she was scrubbing roughly, dropping it into the deep sink basin with a splash. She leaned against the sink, gripping the edge tightly. She gritted her teeth at her hands burning.

It would just be so much easier to go back to prison. There she knew where she fit, even if it was at the bottom. There was someone that loved her there, and didn't screw with her heart and her head like Emily did. She had felt safe in her lover's arms. She had lost the feeling of protection and security the moment she had stepped outside the prison gates. The hopelessness and helplessness is what had taken root.

"Spencer?"

"What?" Spencer spat out.

Karolina raised her hands in defense. "Hey. No need to bite my head off."

"I'm sorry." Spencer looked down at her shoes.

"Before I left I just wanted to let you know that Paige is upfront asking for you. And don't worry about it." Karolina looked at her in sympathy. "I, Spencer you know I'm here for you if you ever want to talk or just hang out."

Spencer nodded, guilty for snapping at her earlier.

"I'll talk to you later." Karolina left the kitchen.

Spencer took off the gloves and went out to see what Paige wanted. Going through the door, she found her talking to Karolina. Paige frowned and said something to the younger woman before she left.

Paige was wearing a warm looking black pea coat over her suit. A paper bag was in her left hand. "I had some time to get a cup of coffee and time to drop this off."

"And to check up on me." Spencer knew the firm Paige worked for was practically on the other side of the city.

"You caught me." Paige smiled warmly, shaking her head a little.

Spencer's heart gave an involuntary flutter, reminded of a past gesture from the woman she left behind. She didn't think anyone would care that much. Paige shouldn't care that much. "You don't need to babysit me."

"You left the party suddenly. Emily said that you were upset. And that it was her fault. That she said the wrong thing?" Paige's brow furrowed and her mouth scrunched up in displeasure at the thought. The scars on her face became more pronounced with the movement. "She would have come by herself to give you this but she thinks you don't want to see her."

Spencer scowled at the mention of Emily. "She's right. I don't."

Paige looked taken aback. "I don't know what she did, but I know she's real torn up about it."

Her breath caught in her throat. Paige really had no idea what her wife had done. "Really? She's doing a good job of showing it by sending you to apologize. Make it quick and leave."

"I'm not here for her. I'm here for you." Paige frowned. She held out the paper bag, the black fake digits standing out in contrast. "These are yours."

Spencer reached out to take the bag from her, but Paige grabbed her hand gently, concern shining behind her glasses. "What happened?"

She snatched the bag and pulled her hand away from the lawyer, wincing at the movement. She had rolled up her sleeves to do the dishes and forgot to roll them back down. Her hands were on display. For someone with one eye, nothing got by Paige. "None of your business."

Paige sighed. "Spencer-"

"I'm done here." Spencer stormed off back into the kitchen, not bothering to look back at the lawyer. She tossed the bag onto a shelf without seeing what was inside. She then opened the back door and when out into the alley to sit on the back steps. She hugged herself, crouched over, shivering not because of the cold blowing through the alley but because of something nameless inside. She was so lost. Empty.

"You should get your hands taken cared of."

Spencer startled at the intrusion. Eli had joined her on the steps. She ignored the older woman.

"Now, Spencer." There was an edge to Eli now, commanding that she follow the order. Spencer didn't know much about Eli other than that the older woman had served time, but there was no doubt in her mind that Eli had been respected by inmates CO's alike, a real convict. She stood up and went inside. "Sit."

Spencer sat down on the stool, while Eli pulled out a first aid kit. She took out antibacterial ointment and some bandages. She examined her hands. "Did you do anything for these when you got them?"

"Soap and water." Spencer murmured. Her knuckles were scraped and torn up, new wounds next to old scars. She'd dealt with the injury before. "Always been good enough."

"Hmm." Eli put the ointment on and Spencer winced. The older woman moved with the practice and experience of a seasoned healer. "Hurts?"

"I've had worse."

Eli looked at Spencer's face and smirked. "I can tell."

In spite of herself, Spencer grinned, appreciating the dark humor and had the slightest feeling that Eli was paying her a compliment. The two of them had a common ground, that was never explored but it was always there to fall back on. She watched the older ex-con work on her hands. "You've done this before."

"Volunteered at the infirmary." Eli put a bandage on one of the cuts. "Taught BLS and first aid classes."

"I took those." Spencer beamed. She knew that only the most trusted inmates got to work there. One of the women she had trusted and befriended had worked in the infirmary. Mac had been a nurse before her conviction. She needed to trust Eli more. "You were at Muncy. I never saw you."

"Transferred down to minimum. Probably why." They were silent for a beat. "Funny how we crossed paths now though."

"Yeah." Spencer thought about how that was life. People she had never thought she would see again, had hoped she would never see again had crossed paths with her. She had practically ran smack into Emily, as if there were a tether in between the two of them that pulled them painfully back together. A constant collision.

She couldn't want it again. Not this time.

"There you go. And just in time for your little friend to show up too." Eli nodded, and started putting away the bandages and ointment.

"My friend?" Spencer asked confused.

"That little dog of yours." Eli smirked. "He comes round almost like clockwork these past weeks if you haven't noticed. Sometimes you're out on delivery when he drops by. He let me give him a bath. He's well behaved. And he missed you yesterday when you were at the party. When you're not around he doesn't stay as long. Hurts my feelings but I got him a bowl and treats."

Spencer looked at her with disbelief. "It's true." And as if to prove her point, there was a faint scratching at the back door. Eli opened the door, and there was the little dog, tail wagging happily. He barked once and then dropped his head to lay his front paws on the ground. She smiled. Her mood lifted instantly.

"Hey." She greeted him brightly. Eli stepped next to her a small dog bowl filled with water in hand and a box of dog treats.

"Scrawny little thing isn't he?" Eli remarked. "But a ball of energy."

Spencer started rubbing his side, and gave him a treat. The dog didn't eat it right away. He played with it a bit. He set it on the ground, barked at happily. He jumped up in the air and wagged his tail. She laughed, amused at his antics. He pushed it with his pink nose and took it in his mouth. He tossed it up in the air and it fell to the cement. "Oh no." She teased.

He looked up at her and then licked up the smaller pieces.

"When are you going to take him home with you?"

Nina had come over and was watching her with the dog. "You smile the most with that dog or when Teddy stops by."

"I don't know." Spencer stated hesitantly. She didn't know if her building allowed pets. Sometimes she couldn't afford to feed herself. How would she do that for a dog? Besides, was she in the right mindset to take care of him?

Nina shrugged and went back to baking with Eli. The time came for the dog to leave. He barked a goodbye. Spencer felt better about letting him leave since he would come back again tomorrow.

And he did come back. But he wasn't Spencer's only visitor.

"Spencer!" Teddy ran up to her. The little girl gave her a hug. "I missed you!"

"You just saw me on your birthday though." Spencer teased and gave her a small smile. Even though she was upset with the girl's mother, she couldn't deny that seeing Teddy made her happy.

"That was forever ago! When I was five." Teddy pouted, and it made Spencer smile harder. The little girl didn't know the effect she had, such a bright light when she was feeling lost in a storm. "I made you smile. Good." She looked pleased with herself.

Spencer looked up at Karolina, silently thanking her for bringing in Teddy. The younger woman just nodded in return, and when to talk with Solomon who was still working behind the counter. Spencer took the girl's backpack from her and led her over to their usual table. "It is good, isn't it?"

"Yeah. 'Cause when you left my party you looked really sad." Teddy frowned.

"I'm sorry." Spencer looked down at hands in her lap. They were still sporting the bandages Eli had applied the day before.

"Auntie Hanna was mean to you. I'm mad at her now. It's not nice." Teddy crossed her arms, which Spencer could barely see over the tabletop.

"I was mean to her first." Spencer explained. It shattered her to no longer have Hanna's loyalty, Aria's confidentiality and Emily's fidelity. She never could have survived A without them. She learned the hard way that no one could live alone. She needed help and should take it when it was offered. She couldn't look Paige in the eye after what she had done with Emily.

"Still. My mama says it's better to take the high road. She 'splained it like... you should be nice to people even if they're mean." Teddy struggled to say.

"Your mama is right." The corner of Spencer's mouth quirked up. Paige seemed to follow that belief, especially when it came to her. "So you should be extra nice to your Aunt Hanna."

"My mommy said she was mean to you too. Will you be nice to her? She's really sad and ate lotsa cake after. She's real, real sorry." Teddy looked up at her eagerly, with big brown eyes. Emily's eyes.

Spencer closed hers. "She probably is really sorry, but she hurt me." She knew deep down, she couldn't stay mad at Emily forever. But she could never forget what she did. "It's not that easy."

"Yes it is! When I make my mommy mad and she yells at me. Likes when I broked a lamp. We hugged after my time out and she wasn't mad no more." Teddy shouted, her frustration coming off in waves.

"I know but." Spencer rubbed her right arm. She had to explain it so a six year old would understand. She needed time. "Your mommy was upset for a little bit right? After your time out, she wasn't mad anymore. It's like that."

"She needs a timeout?" Teddy had a spark of recognition on her face.

"I need a timeout from your mommy." Spencer nodded.

"For how long?" Teddy asked.

"I don't know." Spencer answered.

"Not forever right?" Teddy leaned forward and put her chin on the table, looking up at her.

"No. Not forever." Spencer shook her head.

"Okay." Teddy accepted as if that was all she needed to hear. "My mommy saved me some Oreos. She almost eatted them all, but she didn't. Wanna share?"

"Only if you let me treat you to an apple juice." Spencer smiled. It was a weird combination, but she enjoyed the mix of tastes. It was something she had done when she was around Teddy's age before Alison had declared it gross when they had been in the same kindergarten class. So she had stopped doing something she liked because of the blonde, and it wouldn't be the last time.

It was an old comfort though; one she would indulge in when was particularly stressed in high school. And surprisingly enough it was something she would do when her mother would visit in prison. Coffee was the drink of choice, but when she had been roughed up by another prisoner or mistreated by a CO, she'd let her mother buy a pack of Oreos and apple juice from the vending machine in the visitor's room. It was a simple pleasure from simpler times. She imagined what that must have looked like from her mother's point of view, to watch her daughter with a bruise on her jaw or cheek, and eyes downcast eating cookies and drinking apple juice. It must have broken her heart. No one expects their baby to end up behind bars. The most opposite place Spencer Hastings could have ended up in.

Just another nail in her mother's coffin.

She came back to the table with a small bottle of Mott's Apple Juice and two cups to split it. She didn't like to abuse the fact that Nina let the employees eat and drink for free, so rarely used it. She had tried to pay for coffee and muffins in the past, but she quickly learned her money was no good there. "Here you go."

A wince escaped her lips as she opened the bottle, her hand still sore. She shook it out. Teddy thanked her and had a container of Oreos out on the table already. Spencer poured them each a cup of juice. She pushed the cup of juice over to the little girl.

Teddy took the cup and dipped a cookie into the juice. She chewed quietly, and Spencer could feel her eyes pondering her curiously. "How come you gots bandages on your hands?" The six year old asked.

Spencer didn't bother to correct the girl's grammar. "I hurt them while being careless."

"When I get owies, my mama puts on a bandage on it. Then kisses it better." Teddy said matter of fact, bouncing up and down in the seat.

"I'm a little too old for that." Spencer dipped a cookie in the juice as well, waiting for it to be soggy before popping the whole cookie in her mouth. Her mother had stopped the healing kisses by the time she was seven. She was expected to suck it up. She eventually learned how to take care of herself.

"But that's what mommies are for." Teddy threw her hands above her head, as if she was shocked that Spencer was suggesting that growing up meant having to forego gentle, loving touches from mothers. "My mommy even fixes owies for other kids. That's how good she is."

"My mom's-" Spencer started, unintentionally. She steadied her hands by laying them flat on the table. What did an innocent kid know about death?

"In heaven?" Teddy's voice was quiet. "I'm sorry. My Pappy is there too. With my brother. We visit them after Halloween."

Spencer recoiled at the revelation. She knew Wayne Fields was still alive. So that meant Paige's father had died. She wondered when that happened. If it had happened in recent years during Teddy's lifetime, or before. She still felt an ache at her mother's passing, after these years. For Paige it must still be raw. And to hear that there was a child before Teddy, that Paige and Emily had lost him. She couldn't imagine what that was like.

"I wish they waited. 'Cause I wanted to knowed them. And my mommies get sad sometimes. So you must be sad sometimes too. And, and I wanna hug you now. Because I made you sad." Teddy slipped out of her chair and went over to Spencer. As promised, the little girl wrapped small arms around her waist, her tiny cheek pressing into her side.

Spencer picked the girl up and with some maneuvering, sat Teddy down in her lap. "You didn't make me sad. But thank you."

"Okay." Teddy beamed up at her, pleased that balance had been restored in her universe, and then reached for an Oreo. Spencer moved the cup back over to her side. While the girl ate her snack, she ran a rough hand over her head, flattening Teddy's hair. That earned her another smile.

Spencer felt a pang in her chest, a motherly longing. _You should have been mine._

She took the girl's hair, which she had obviously inherited from her mother, in her hands and started to braid it. She worked silently while Teddy finished her snack and juice. It wasn't fair to want it, but she couldn't help it. Before her arrest and trial, Spencer realized her dreams had changed. She had wanted to still attend UPenn and probably end up in law, but she wanted Emily to fit into those plans. She had wanted to spend the rest of her life with the other girl and start a family with her, a son or daughter with her ambition but Emily's warm brown eyes.

Emily and Paige had done a beautiful job of raising Teddy. Spencer probably would have been just like her parents, distant and cold, almost neglectful. Always working and never home. Maybe she wouldn't even have had the time to start a family, too busy and focused on rising up through the ranks at work. No time to appreciate the little things like hugs and a child's innocent smile, too focused on appearances and status.

Paige had her dream career, but didn't put it first. She probably made it to Teddy's school functions. She had even dressed up when taking the little girl Trick-or-Treating. She made time for her wife and daughter instead of late nights at the office and constantly being Out of Town.

Paige deserved this life more than she did. If she weren't a convict, Spencer would have been a cold, career woman. She could never turn it right either way.

She finished up braiding, and secured the end of the French braid with a hair tie from the pocket of her jeans. She had just gone on instinct and the little girl had gone with it. "Hope that's okay."

"Yeah!" Teddy nodded enthusiastically. "I like when my mama does my hair like this. It's pretty." She ran her little hands over her hair, her bracelet jangling. She was happy with the job Spencer had done. "She said she was gonna teach me. But she forgotted, I guess. Can you teach me?"

Eli was walking over to the two of them. "Maybe next time. Eli is coming over. Let's see what she needs."

"Promise?"

"I promise." Spencer nodded.

"Spencer." Eli gave a chin lift in greeting and smiled at Teddy. "And Miss Teodora. Your hair looks nice. Did Spencer do that for you?" The little girl nodded cheerfully. "Well she did a good job."

"Do you need me to get back to work?" Spencer cast her eyes down, but only to hide her flushed face at getting a compliment from the other woman.

"No. Not just yet. It's not that busy right now and the dishes in the back aren't going anywhere. You have another visitor." Eli smirked, her blue eyes shining with mirth.

Teddy got excited, and wiggled around on her lap. "Oh. That's dope. Who is it?"

"Well, you can meet him for yourself." Spencer said as she helped the little girl off her lap and to the floor. The little dog had shown up again. To have the two things that made her smile the most meet made her actually made her giddy with anticipation. The week had started off so poorly, and it was starting to feel next to normal. Whatever normal was.

After grabbing Teddy's coat and throwing it over her shoulder, the two of them fell in step behind Eli as they all made their way to the kitchen. Teddy reached for Spencer's hand, and she held it in her own. When they got to the kitchen, they gave a hello to Nina and reached the back door.

"It's pretty cold today so put on your coat, yeah?" Spencer held the deep purple coat up. At the little girl's nod of consent, she made sure Teddy got it on okay and that she was buttoned up.

"Take your own advice." Eli had grabbed Spencer's field jacket for her and held it out. Spencer took the jacket without complaint.

"Do you have mittens or gloves? A hat?" Spencer asked Teddy, concerned for little fingers.

"Yep!" Teddy put tore open a pocket with the shriek of tearing Velcro and pulled out green mittens. With the eggplant color of her coat, Spencer thought it was an odd choice, but it worked. It made more sense than the orange knit hat that she pulled out next with earflaps and tassels. "What about you?

Spencer dug her hands into the pockets of her army green field jacket. "I'll be okay."

Teddy looked distress at Spencer's hands going without warmth. "My mama said she gaved you some gloves. Yesterday!"

Spencer was confused until she remembered the brown paper bag Paige had offered. She went to the shelves where she had tossed the bag. It was still there. She opened them. Inside was the white dress shirt, stain removed. As well as the pair of black leather gloves Paige had tried to paw off to her, and a knit scarf possibly from Emily. It was purple as well. She took out the gloves and scarf, wanting to forget about the shirt. The stain was gone, but the memory of what happened couldn't be washed out.

Teddy didn't let up until Spencer had the gloves and scarf on. Eli's grin grew wider at seeing her bossed around by a six year old. Spencer sighed. The little dog was probably waiting patiently for her to show up. Eli finally got the door open, and handed her the box of treats.

It was cold out, a contrast to the kitchen, so she shut the door to keep the heat in. Spencer was a little afraid that the dog had gotten tired and left but there he was. The dog had kept himself occupied by rolling around on his back, tongue out. His head snapped up when he heard them.

"Puppy!" Teddy cried out happily and the little dog hopped up to his feet. He approached the girl, but looked at Spencer, as if for permission. Teddy reached out to touch his head, and he bowed to her.

"Is he yours? What's his name? He's like chocolate! Is he soft? He's a good boy." Teddy shot off rapidly, as she stroked the dog's back. "Can I feed him?"

"I don't know his name." Spencer answered as she handed the girl a treat.

"How come?" Teddy took the treat. The dog slowly took it in between his teeth and began to play with it. Teddy started giggling at his clowning.

"Well. His family probably named him something."

"He's not yours?" Teddy looked disappointed.

"No. I'm sure he has a home. I just don't know where it is." Spencer shrugged sadly.

They watched him play with the treat and then watched as he ate it up. He gave them a bark. He nuzzled Teddy's hand and licked at her hand. The scene made her feel warm.

They had a service dog training program at Muncy. She would see the dogs from time to time. Not wanting to become attached, she never played with them. But Mac and Chuck had a service dog in training. It was the closest thing the couple would get to having a child. But Mac believed that dogs had this sense, this intelligence belonging to them. They could tell when you were sad and needed company. They missed you when you were gone, and cried happily when you returned.

Spencer knew this to be truth with the little dog. Looking into his amber eyes, she recognized a longing. Maybe she was wrong about him having a family. He would be just like her then. Alone in the world. He looked at Teddy and then back at her. It was like an exchange between the two of them. _Is this your pup? _Spencer humored herself, and gave him a nod. He barked twice. Then trotted off.

Teddy was sad to see him go. She called after him. "Come back."

"See. He's going home." Spencer watched him round the corner.

"Let's make sure."

Spencer had a split second to translate the expression on Teddy's face before the girl dashed off after the dog. She swore and dropped the box of treats as she got to her feet. She followed the girl following the dog. Her parents were going to kill her if anything happened to their daughter. She suddenly remembered the scare she had given Emily the day the two of them had their chance reunion.

"Hey!" She caught up with the little girl easily, dodging some of the pedestrians braving the cold. Her voice was raised, but more out of fear than anger. "Don't do that again."

Teddy cried. "But he's getting away. We have to save him."

Spencer saw the dog off in the distance. She was curious as well. What if she was wrong about him having a loving family or owners at all? He did look a bit thinner and it was cold. Against her better judgment she said, "Okay."

They followed the dog to a neighborhood some blocks away, where there were hardly any people. Spencer realized it was because the buildings were being torn down in favor of newer buildings. The dog went through a hole in the fence, and they managed to get around it. They found him on a stoup. It was where he had been living all this time. There was a threadbare blanket, and a long since empty bowl. He had been abandoned, left behind by owners that probably couldn't afford to keep him and take them with him.

That thought made her angry. What kind of people just left a defenseless dog out on his own? The dog was still waiting for them to come back. That anger turned in on herself. Why didn't she follow the dog sooner?

"Is this his house?" Teddy looked up at the empty building. "It looks haunted. Where's the people?"

"They're gone." Spencer frowned. The dog really was just like her. No family and left alone to fend for himself.

"Spencer! We can't leave him here. It's really cold. How bout at night time?" Teddy was frantic.

"Alright." Spencer couldn't leave the dog, not like she had been abandoned by everyone except for her mother, Aria, Emily and Paige.

The dog had nosed under his blanket, trying to get warm. Spencer shivered in response. She placed a foot on the bottom step, and reached out a hand. He eyed her curiously. "Come on. Come with us. I'm sorry." He bowed his head down, but otherwise didn't move from his spot.

Her heart fell. He was going to wait for someone that was never going to come back for him. She knew what that was like. Peter Hastings never came to visit her in prison. Melissa wrote to her once, but only to blame her for their mother's illness and death. She wasn't welcomed at the funeral. But part of her had hoped to see her family one more time, but she never got any more visitors after her mother had passed. It was her own fault for pushing everyone away.

She turned to leave. She had to take Teddy home. But a bark stopped her. The dog had stood up and jumped down the steps to her. He pressed his pink nose into her leg, and she rubbed his head. "I have you. Let's go home."

Teddy cheered. "Can we name him now?"

Spencer said the first name that came to her, a character she could relate to. "Dantes."

The little girl pondered the name. "I likes it. How bout you, Dantes?"

The newly rechristened dog barked. "Guess he does." Spencer smirked. "All right, let's go." She reached for Teddy's hand, and they set off with Dantes trotting along side them. Once they got to the other side of the fence, Spencer stopped. She looked up and down the street, unsure of where to go next. She didn't know where they had come from. "Um."

She had been so focused on following Dantes that she hadn't paid attention to where they were headed, or how to get back. She was unfamiliar with this part of the city. She was unfamiliar with most of the city, only knowing the parts she had stuck to fifteen years ago.

Her phone beeped. A text message. Thank God she still had the thing in her pocket. She could call for directions. But her face fell as she got the text from a blocked number. She pulled Teddy closer to her, hoping to shield her from any danger.

_Nice job getting, Dorothy and Toto lost. If you only had a heart._


	15. Chapter 15

Hey guys. Seriously was hoping to get a Thanksgiving chapter out on Thanksgiving but I keep adding things. So I don't know if the Christmas plan I wanted to do will get out on actual Christmas. I wanted to do a sort of... It's A Wonderful Life type thing... where it was Emily that A made the deal with and/or Spencer made the deal with A but it was different and someone else went to prison in her place. Something like that since Emily has wished she could trade places with Spencer and Spencer has brought up that if the situation was reversed between her and Paige, Spencer would not be so kind. The way It's A Wonderful Life works is that those places are crapsack worlds and the way my mind works is that it will be full of angst. I have a tumblr. Where I blog things sorta related to the fic. I reblogged a lot of pitbulls before Dantes showed up. I don't shameless plugging?

Disclaimer I do not own Pretty Little Liars. Because if I did I would have got to meet Shay Mitchell while she was in Manila. Or is in Manila. I don't know.

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Taking a deep breath, Emily opened the door to Cupcake-a-Coffee and stepped inside. It didn't happen too often but sometimes she would get off work before Paige did. Glad to be done for the day, she was hoping to relax and spend time with her daughter, cuddled up on the couch watching a movie. But first she would have to pick her daughter up. She had gotten a text from Paige letting her know that Karolina had brought Teddy to visit Spencer.

She didn't know how she would be received. Spencer was still likely to be angry with her. The other woman, after finding out the truth about the kiss, had looked so betrayed. It was Emily that had destroyed her. Even before prison, Spencer did not give her trust easily. She could only rely on her, and Aria and Hanna. But now she had none of them.

Emily had to prove to Spencer that she still had her.

When she saw Spencer, Emily wasn't sure what would happen. She had been torn between giving Spencer her space and trying to make her understand and then beg for forgiveness.

"Karolina! Hey." Emily approached the tiny brunette. She was sitting at a table with Teddy's lilac backpack on the seat next to her, but no Teddy.

Karolina looked surprised to see her. "Emily, you're off work early. I thought we were going to see you at home."

"Yeah. I'm done with my scheduled surgeries and my crazy shift already. So I'm taking advantage of that. Paige said you brought in Teddy to visit. I can take her off your hands. Solomon gets off soon right?"

She waved at the tall Asian man standing behind the counter. He waved back, but looked confused at her presence. Or was it apprehension on his face? Karolina had that same expression when the young woman had first saw her. "So where is the Little Terror?"

"She's in the back with Spencer and Eli." Karolina answered slowly. "I'll let them know you're here." She got up a little too quickly, and all but ran to the kitchen.

Emily's brows furrowed. What was going on?

Nina came out of the kitchen, wearing an apron and a frown. "Emily." Her tone was stern.

"Nina?" Emily was confused. Nina had never greeted her in such a fashion. She was always ready with a smile for her.

The older woman shook her head in disappointment. "I don't know what history Spencer has with you. But whenever she is hurt or a mess, you and yours seem to be the cause of it. If what you're bringing is trouble, then I don't want you around."

Had Spencer said something? Did they know about the kiss?

They knew about the party, how Spencer had left quickly and how she had been the last person she was with. She was wearing a guilty face and had an explanation for the lean brunette's departure. But she couldn't share it. Spencer's co-workers in attendance looked worried. Paige had asked what happened. Emily had told her it was a combination of Hanna attacking her and the fact that she had just made things worse by saying the wrong thing. Her wife accepted that answer with a sigh. After the party, she brought up that she had to deal with Spencer delicately. Emily learned a painful lesson about how far Spencer had fallen from the girl she used to be.

Would she ever get Spencer back? Maybe she had to face the facts. This was the new reality.

"I just want the best for Spencer. To know she's okay." Emily had been putting her wants ahead of Spencer's needs. That kiss had been fueled by her desire, by her lust. That couldn't happen again. Spencer needed friendship and support.

That seemed to soften Nina, but not completely. "Then show it."

Eli burst through the kitchen door, followed by a panicking Karolina. Seeing this made Emily's insides twist. "What's wrong?"

Coming up to her and Nina, Eli was calm but the frantic brunette behind spoke of something dreadful. "Teddy and Spencer aren't outside."

"I don't think I heard you correctly." Emily spoke steadily, but was close to erupting. "Because it sounded," She gave a disbelieving laugh though she was not at all amused. "Like you don't know where my daughter is."

"I left Teddy with Spencer out in the alley." Eli explained. "This was maybe ten minutes ago. Fifteen minutes tops."

"The alley?" Emily couldn't for the life of her understand what possessed Spencer to take her daughter into freezing temperatures and a dank alleyway with garbage and foul puddles. She voiced that question incredulously. "And just what were they doing out there in the first place!"

"They were playing with Spencer's dog." Eli announced is if this made the most sense in the world and she was an idiot for not getting it.

"Where did Spencer get this dog?" Emily was losing patience, her brows furrowing in annoyance.

"He visits her."

"Just off the street? Like a stray?" Her temper was coming out. She took a step closer to the older woman, invading her personal space. A stray dog was a huge risk. There was rabies to consider and other infections. She saw the damages a mistreated dog could give a child. Some people shouldn't be allowed to raise children or dogs.

"Only two things make Spencer smile. Your daughter and that little dog!" Eli was just reacting to Emily's rising voice, matching it with her own. The two women faced off, each daring the other to move. The ex-con was slightly taller, but she had an imposing presence at her command. This didn't scare Emily even though she was already in hot water with Spencer's coworkers, who figured she somehow factored into the woman's rain cloud of misery. They were completely right, of course.

But this wasn't about her and her fuckups. This was about her daughter and how she was missing.

"Okay. Fine!" Emily threw her hands up. "Let's just find my daughter."

"Try calling Spencer." Solomon had joined them, taking his apron off over his head. He looked ready to help in anyway.

"I don't have her number." Emily gritted through clenched teeth. She was so tense she felt like her molars would shatter. Her fists were clenched just as tight, fingernails digging in deep enough to draw blood.

"I'll send it to you." Nina said, while Karolina called Spencer's phone.

"I can't reach her." Karolina flicked her eyes to Emily, completely worried. She knew how fierce Emily could get when it came to Teddy. She was worried about Spencer being on the receiving end. And maybe blaming herself as well. It was her job, not Spencer's, to look after her daughter. She glared at the younger woman, but didn't lash out at her knowing how they all just wanted to find Teddy.

"Keep trying." She spat out gruffly. She looked at Eli darkly. "You said fifteen minutes. They couldn't have gone far." Of course they had wasted time. Spencer and Teddy would have gotten a good head start. "Solomon and Karolina, you go up 26th Street and Eli go down."

"What about you?" Eli asked.

Emily thought about it. "I can cover more ground in a car." But their car was with Paige. Was she really going to flag down a cab and just drive around until she spotted Spencer and Teddy? Yes. She was. "Nina. You'll be here. In case they come back. Keep in touch."

After getting ready, the four of them left the coffee shop and split up. She had better call Paige. It seemed that whenever she needed help, Spencer would run to her wife. Maybe Spencer had done the same in this case. She kept moving, looking for a free cab.

Paige picked up. "_Hey, Babe. You know how much I love hearing your voice. I was just about to head home._"

"Paige. Did you... Has Spencer called you?" Emily asked in a panic. She walked down the sidewalk, peering down into shadowy alleyways.

Paige had instantly picked up on the anxiety in Emily's voice. "_No. What's wrong?_"

"She and Teddy are missing. You don't think that this has anything to do with-" Emily didn't finish the sentence.

"_No. I don't think so._" Paige's faltering told her she had entertained the same thought only moments before. _"Maybe Spencer and Teddy just wandered off?_" That sounded ridiculous. If it was Hanna that would make sense. But Spencer was more responsible. She would have called.

She wished this were just a normal life, where Spencer had just wandered off with her daughter. It's not like Teddy was alone. But Spencer was almost like a child herself. Completely new to the world after fifteen years. And her emotional state wasn't the best. Emily was quickly thinking of all the things that could go wrong, the worst things that could happen.

A normal life would have been one where Spencer Hastings hadn't gone to prison because a shadowy figure sent her there. A normal life would have been one where there was no shadowy figure at all.

"_Look. Here's how we can find the two of them. After... the attack, you could say I was really paranoid. Remember when we found out that Teddy was allergic to penicillin and we had that medical alert bracelet made for her? Well, I had a tracking device put into it._" Paige breathed out the confession.

"That's brilliant. And scary." Emily was so thankful for Paige becoming crazy prepared after A sent that letter bomb. "So can you track them?"

_"I'll call you back. With the details._" Emily could hear Paige already typing away at the keyboard before she hung up.

Finally, Emily flagged down a cab. She got into the backseat. "Where to, Miss?"

She had no idea what to say. But the map application on her phone popped up after receiving the address from Paige. She read the address off. "To South 24th Street corner of Decatur." She tapped her phone on the electronic pad in the back, sharing the address with the cab's GPS.

Her phone was ringing. A picture of Paige showed up on her screen. She answered the call. "Hey. I'm in a cab, on the way to the address you sent me."

"_Good. Good. I managed to call Spencer. I told her to wait for you there._" Paige paused, as if she had more to say but didn't know how to word it. _"And Emily, Don't be too hard on her."_

"What makes you say that?" Emily said defensively.

_"Because I know you, Mama Bear. You got Teddy's music teacher fired. That mother stopped taking her son to the park after you screamed at her for raising a child that pulled hair. Even though Teddy bit that kid first." _Paige reminded her gently.

It was starting to get dark. The little boutiques and townhouses gave way to unpopulated construction sites and fenced off homes. Some of the streetlamps weren't even on yet. What made Spencer bring her daughter out here? "But-"

"_Just take calming breaths_," was the advice her wife gave.

"I see them now. Bye." Emily hung up the phone quickly, without waiting for a response from Paige. She turned to the cabbie. "Keep the meter running." She practically ordered. Then she added, "Please."

Teddy was sitting on the curb next to Spencer, pouting face in her hands. Spencer was seated next to her with one arm wrapped around the little girl, keeping her close. Spencer had looked at the cab with suspicion, pulling Teddy safely to her.

Once Emily got out, the door slamming behind her, she called out to her daughter. The little girl had broken free from under Spencer's arm at seeing her. Teddy stopped running once she got closer to her. Emily must have looked furious. She yelled, "Teodora Elizabeth! What did I tell you about running off? Do you remember what almost happened last time?"

She picked the little girl up and held her tightly.

Spencer was standing off to the side, watching the reunion. Emily could feel her dark eyes on the two of them. She looked over at the other woman, but couldn't read her at all. She couldn't tell if the lean brunette was still angry with her or remorseful for making a mother worry for her child. There was a time when she could tell how Spencer was feeling with just one look.

The other woman had a bundle cradled to her chest, inside her ancient field jacket. She wondered briefly what it was. Teddy wiggling and whining in her arms, brought her attention back on her daughter.

"But Mommy, we had to save Dantes!"

"Dantes?" Emily questioned curtly.

The bundle inside Spencer's jacket started moving. A small dog popped his head out of the top near the zipper. The other woman adjusted her hold of him. He barked, responding to his name.

"See! He's just a baby." Teddy cried. "So Spencer and I follows him here. He gots no home and family. It's so sad."

"Spencer should have known better than to let you come out here." Emily's voice had an edge to it. She was looking at her daughter, but addressing Spencer. She was barely containing her frustrations. She wanted to lash out and scream, but she remembered Paige's words.

"Emily, I'm sorry." Spencer murmured, looking down.

"Mommy don't get mad at Spencer! I raned off and she tried to stop me." Emily knew that lasted all of five seconds before Spencer caved to her daughter's manipulations.

"Spencer is an adult. An adult that let a six year old talk her into chasing after a stray dog." Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Spencer hang her head down. But there was a fire in her eyes.

The cabbie honked his horn. "When we get home young lady, you are going to think hard about what you did. You had me worried sick. Everyone at Nina's shop went out looking for you."

"I'm sorry." Teddy whispered. She looked mournfully at Spencer and the dog, tears starting to form. She threw her face into Emily's shoulder.

Emily started walking towards the cab. She opened the door and got inside. She gave the cab driver the address of their apartment. She looked back at Spencer and the dog. "Come on then. The meter is running."

Spencer looked surprised. While she was angry, she wasn't going to abandon the woman in the dark and empty street. Not again.

The woman and her dog slid in beside her. The cabby turned around to look at them. "Lady, is that a dog?"

Emily sent him a scalding glare. He turned right back around and started driving.

"I don't know what you were thinking!" Emily all but shrieked, knowing how raised voices made Spencer feel. She was angry so it was hard not to start screaming.

"The dog needed a home. He had no one else. No one. He was left alone in the dark to fend for himself." Spencer wasn't just talking about the dog. "If anyone took the time to just look after him, they would see how lonely he was. How cold and, and hurt he was. Your daughter asked. She took the time."

Her eyes were dark and intense. "She looked at me and saw someone to befriend, not some mangy dangerous stray. She wanted me. So I would never let anything hurt her. I would, I would die before I let that happen."

"I believe you." Emily knew Spencer would sacrifice herself for the people she loved. She would gladly hold her head up high, as she was led before a firing squad. She would even take the fall for something she didn't do. Realization struck her as the pulled up in front of their apartment.

She didn't. Spencer couldn't have done that. It was something to consider.

Emily looked over at the other woman who had fifteen years of her life taken away. She was looking out the window of the cab, likely not really seeing the people walking the street or the cars passing by.

"I'm sorry for yelling earlier. It's just that Teddy." Her daughter had managed to fall asleep, face against her chest. It was probably a combination of running around after the dog and crying that had done her in. She brushed the girl's cheek with her right hand. She wished she could feel her daughter's heartbeat against her chest through the layer of jackets. It would help to conquer her anger, and give her reassurance. "She's so precious. After everything that's happened."

Emily closed her eyes. She had enough death and loss for a lifetime. That she needed more than one hand to count the number of the dead was too much. She didn't think that you could make coffins that small. But they did. She knew the devastation of having to bury one in the ground and say goodbye to a life that didn't really have a chance to live. "Losing you and almost losing Paige. My heart can't take anymore of that."

"And I know that you don't trust me right now. Probably hate me even. But I want you to know that I trust you. With everything." Emily shift the sleeping Teddy against her chest and held her hand out to put her hand on Spencer's arm, but stopped unsure if her touch would be welcomed.

The dog, Dantes Emily reminded herself, licked the tips of her fingers. She laughed at that sensation. Spencer gave a small smile and her heart lit up at the sight.

"I don't." Spencer's voice was quiet almost a whisper.

"Don't what?" Emily gazed at the other woman's face intently, hoping to catch her eyes. She hoped she would see Spencer smile again, and that she would be the reason why.

"Hate you. I could never hate you. In fact I-" Spencer looked back out the window, cutting her confession short. Her voice was shaky. "But you're right. It is hard to trust you now."

"Oh." Emily was gutted, her insides torn up. Eviscerated. While it was something she knew, it was hard to hear those words fall from between Spencer's lips. To have her distrust confirmed.

"Being this close to you hurts. Thinking about what you did, fills me up with so much anger and leaves me empty at the same time." Spencer faced her, eyes tired and distraught. "But I want to forgive you. I need to forgive you because I know what being without you feels like and that hurts a hell of a lot more."

The lean brunette was shaking now, and hugging Dantes close as if he was her life preserver, holding her afloat through the storm Emily had tossed her into. The two of them were quiet. The only sound was Teddy's shuddering breath. She didn't know what to say to Spencer. She didn't know how to fix things.

Her phone went off. She was relieved when she saw that it was a text from Paige. "_Hey. I'm home now. I'll meet you in the lobby._" Emily didn't bother replying since they were almost there, just a block away.

"Spencer, I-" Emily frowned. She could get angry. Shoot back that there was fifteen years without contact, but she forgave Spencer for that. She could get on her knees and beg, scream for forgiveness. But to have that ignored would destroy her. Words could be empty, but actions were louder. Love was volumes, a song that never ended. A rallying cry to keep you moving forward. A heartbeat. "I'll prove it. I'll show you that you can trust me again."

The cab stopped, and Spencer just looked past her, almost through her. Emily recoiled. Spencer didn't believe her. "Paige."

"What?" That had been the last thing Emily had been expecting to hear. Her wife. Paige was in this too. If she wasn't hurting Spencer, she was hurting Paige. It was what she was most afraid of, having to choose between them. So she didn't. She was a coward.

There was a tapping at the window. Paige had come out to meet them, giving them all a huge grin. She pulled the door open. Karolina must have dropped off Teddy's backpack because Paige had one strap slung over her shoulder. The noise made Teddy stir in Emily's arms, but she didn't wake up. The little girl just snuggled in closer to her mother.

"I see you found them." Paige smiled. Dantes barked as if not wanting to be overlooked and excited by all the people. "Plus one more." She reached to take the sleeping Teddy from Emily.

"I got her." She stopped her wife. She wasn't quite ready to let go of her baby just yet. She heaved herself and Teddy out of the backseat and onto the sidewalk. She adjusted her purse on her shoulder. "Could you get the cab fare?"

She looked behind her at Spencer, who was juggling Dantes whiling pulling out some bills from the front pocket of her jeans. "I can get-"

Paige leaned in and tapped her cell phone on the track pad. "Okay there, Spencer?"

"In or out, lady!" The cab driver who had been quiet up until then, spoke up rudely. "I got places to be too, ya know."

Spencer got out with Dantes on her side of the cab, but hesitated to put her cash away. She made her way over to them. "Aren't you going to pay?"

"Already taken care of." Page lifted her phone up as an explanation, but Spencer still looked confused. The cab pulled away from the curb. "It's wireless. I paid through my cell. You set up an account and transfer money into it. It's useful for small things. Like fares and convenience stores."

Spencer nodded her understanding, but still looked surprised at the unfamiliar technology. Emily really felt for her. The world changed a lot in fifteen years. There would be a lot that was new to her. Emily tried to make Spencer feel better. "It's pretty new." She looked at Paige "I hope you didn't add in a tip. That cabbie was an ass."

"Nina's shop doesn't have that." Spencer murmured as she looked down.

"Nina is pretty old school." Paige chuckled. She looked over at Emily and then back at Spencer. "What are your plans for dinner?"

Spencer avoided eye contact with Paige. "I was going to make a sandwich or something at home."

"Okay." Paige drew the word out slowly. She scrunched her face up in distaste. "Change of plans. You're having dinner with us."

"I couldn't." Spencer sputtered out a protest. She glanced at Emily quickly, and then looked back down at the ground.

"Don't worry. I'll be doing the cooking." Paige joked. "Right, Em?"

"Yeah. We'd love for you to stay." Emily said. Spencer still looked undecided. She was sure the lithe brunette would use the dog as an excuse to leave. "And Dantes. He'll stay with us tonight. We'll take him to the vet first thing tomorrow. And see about finding him a home or a spot at a shelter."

"He can stay? I don't think my apartment building allows pets." Spencer scratched the dog under his chin. Emily noticed for the first time, that he had beautiful amber eyes with floppy ear and a reddish nose that went well with his chocolate brindle coat. "He's really good. He doesn't bark too much and he doesn't bite. I promise."

"Spencer. He can stay." Emily said, not bothering to correct Spencer that she had meant only temporary. She wasn't sold on a dog at first. The responsibility and the attention he needed. Dantes's previous owners must have felt the same way before they abandoned him. But seeing Spencer with the dog, and hearing the want in her voice made her want to keep Dantes and make him part of the family. He was a pretty cute dog. "And you're welcome anytime."

Spencer's face lit up with a smile, the corners of her eyes crinkling up in pure delight. Her perfect lips opened up to reveal a row of teeth. "I'll help take care of him. And I'll pay for everything. I'll walk him every day, before and after work." She lovingly put her cheek to the top of the dog's head. "You won't regret it."

"You don't have to pay for everything. Or anything." While it warmed Emily to the depths of her heart and soul to see Spencer so ecstatic, hearing her plead and make unnecessary conditions put a damper on the festive moment. She had been like a child begging her parents for something she wanted. Regression was a part of PTSD. She paused. Why didn't see pick up on it before? "It's up to you really."

"Well, I guess you have to stay for dinner now to celebrate. Welcome to the family." Paige brought her arm around Spencer's shoulders. They weren't just taking Dantes in, Emily felt. The dog barked his acceptance and Spencer didn't let up on her smile. "Teddy will be happy about this. Speaking of which, you better wake her up now or she'll be up all night." Paige put her hand on the small of Emily's back. The five of them made their way into the lobby and to the elevator.

Emily woke Teddy up gently. "Hey, Baby Girl. Good news."

The little girl opened her eyes slowly and rewarded them all with a docile smile. She looked around the elevator at all them, particularly happy to see Spencer and Dantes. She rubbed her eye. "What?"

"Spencer is having dinner with us and is letting Dantes come stay with us." Emily said jovially.

"Forever?" Teddy asked Spencer expectantly.

"Yes." Spencer seemed to smile even wider, the shock and awe having not worn off yet.

"But you have to help take care of him. Can you do that?" Paige added. The little girl needed to still be responsible. Pets were a great way to foster development in a child.

"Yesh." Teddy threw her arms around her mother's neck and bounced in her hold happily. She planted a kiss on Emily's soft cheek. "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!"

Everyone was so happy. Every little problem seemingly cleared from their minds. Spencer could forget that she was mad at Emily. Paige would go on thinking that there was nothing more than friendship between her wife and Spencer. And Emily could pretend that she wasn't torn between the two women riding the elevator with her. In that moment they were all one big happy family.

Teddy wiggled out of Emily's arms once they got off the elevator. She ran ahead of the group to the door of their apartment. She was impatient to have the door opened and to get inside.

"This is going to be so awesome! Dantes is going to love it here." Teddy put her hands on the doorknob and pulled down on it, practically hanging off it.

Paige shared an amused glance with her and Spencer. "Alright. Shove over so I can get the door open." She joked, house keys in hand. She unlocked the door, and pushed it open. Teddy ran inside, presumably to get everything ready for Spencer and Dantes's arrival. Paige followed her inside. Emily waited for Spencer to enter before her. There was hesitation on the other woman's part but she finally went inside with Dantes. She closed the front door behind them.

Teddy ran up to them. "What should we do first? Show him around? Feed him? Give him a bath?"

"Slow down, Tedge. Don't want to overwhelm them." Paige said as she returned from the kitchen. Spencer was still holding Dantes inside her field jacket. "First night in a new place can be scary. How about the tour? Show Spencer and Dantes around."

"Okay." Teddy agreed. The little girl waited as Spencer cradled the dog with one arm and unzipped her jacket. Paige took the coat and hung it up in the closet. Emily took off her coat as well and hung it next to the shabby field jacket. Next came the scarf Spencer was wearing, the one Emily had made. She was glad to see that Spencer was using it. She had to set Dantes down first before removing the scarf and her gloves. Once on the floor the small dog padded over to Emily.

She crouched down to pet him. "What type of dog is he?"

Spencer looked worried at the question. "He's a pitbull." She said slowly. In a fit of anxiety, she added. "But he isn't dangerous! He's friendly."

Emily thought back to Spencer talking about how she related to the small dog. How they were both abandoned and needed to be loved. It was fitting he was a pitbull, a dog that had a lot of stigma against it much like someone released from prison. Spencer thought Emily was going to use those things to judge and change her mind about Dantes, who had rolled onto his back. Emily smiled at the sight and started rubbing his belly. "Aww, sweet baby. Yeah, he's very friendly."

A sigh of relief escaped from Spencer. Teddy giggled and joined her mother on the floor. Paige clapped her hands together, "I'm going to change and then get started on dinner. Pork chops okay?"

"Sure." Emily grinned up at her wife. Spencer was still standing, looking at her gloved hands.

"Is something wrong?" Emily was concerned.

"Oh." Teddy gasped. Her daughter seemed to know more than she did. The next part was a stage whisper, "Your owies!"

"What?" Emily's eyes widened.

"Spencer's got owies on her hands." Teddy looked sad. Dantes rolled onto his belly when the attention shifted off of him. Emily frowned as Spencer slowly took off her gloves.

There were bandages on her knuckles and some uncovered abrasions. Emily made to reach for her left hand, the one that had the most damage. She knew Spencer was left-handed. But the lean brunette jerked her hands out of reach. "What happened?"

"It doesn't matter." Spencer growled. She was back on the defensive, as if remembering that she was meant to be angry with her still.

Emily had treated wounds like that before, when she was a surgical intern rotating in the Pit. Drunken men that had been brought into the ER by friends that explained that prior to consultation they had been in a bar brawl. But the only fight Spencer seemed to have had was with herself. It was safe to say that she had been the catalyst. "Let me take a look."

"They're fine. No fracture. I know what that feels like." Spencer gruffed out, a pained depth set in her eyes.

She was slowly forming an image of what Spencer had endured in prison. The scars and broken nose, and now a broken hand spoke of countless fights. The lean woman's corded muscles now turned from the benefits of keeping her time occupied into a dangerous necessity to become a weapon. Spencer had always been a fighter, but with words. Her physicality had mostly stayed on the field. She could only imagine how the lean brunette's mouth would have gotten her in trouble at first. But these were just Emily's assumptions.

"Spencer..." Emily warned. She was going to insist that Spencer show her her hands.

"You need a timeout, Mommy!" Teddy interrupted. She looked at her daughter having forgotten that she was still there. The little girl grabbed her hand and led her to the couch. Teddy crossed her arms. Spencer had followed, wearing an amused smirk on her face.

"Wait a minute, young lady. Don't think I haven't forgotten that you're in trouble for running off." While she appreciated the situation being diffused, Emily didn't like having the tables turned on her. Least of all by her six year old.

But Teddy still had her arms crossed, a look of sheer determination on her little face. Emily sat down grumbling, knowing where this was leading, but she'd play along if it got Spencer to a good mood. Teddy gestured towards the loveseat, like a courteous host wanting to make her guest feel at home. "Spencer. Please sit down."

Spencer pursed her lips, but sat down on the overstuffed love seat perpendicular to the couch. Dantes ambled over and lied down by her socked feet.

"Mommy, you needs to say sorry for making Spencer sad. And Spencer, you say how sorry you are for making my mommy worry." Teddy stood between them. Her daughter had done this when Paige and she had been cool towards each other. She had picked up on the distance between her mothers and had set out to fix it. This is what she was trying to do here.

"Teddy..." Emily warned. This might not work the way her daughter wanted.

"Em, I'm sorry. I made you worry. You're a mother and I took your child without permission. Practically kidnapped her. It was stupid of me. Thanks so much for, you know, not calling the cops." Spencer's earlier eloquence had left her as if that had eaten her words. These were awkward starts and stops, and could be seen as a half assed apology but the sincerity was lined on the woman's face, written in the eye contact they now shared. And that she had called her "Em."

She hadn't even considered involving the police. That would have ended badly for Spencer, her status as a parolee stacking the odds against her. But Spencer had. She had probably thought of the consequences. She had called what she had done with Teddy kidnapping. Everything a potential crime, always afraid about going back to prison. Is that how Spencer lived now? Everyday in fear?

"I'm sorry too, Spence. I was only thinking about myself. Or I wasn't thinking at all. And I hurt you." Emily was the one that had to look away. Spencer was looking at her with such intensity, searching her face for an answer. She felt like she was choking on her words, barely holding back sobs. "I shouldn't have left you."

Spencer sat quietly. Then she stood up. "Okay."

Emily hung her head. Spencer had heard her apology but didn't want it. The lean brunette was going to leave again. What she had done was irredeemable. Her sin would go unforgiven.

But she felt the couch shift next to her, and a hand on her shoulder. "I forgive you. Not because you deserve it. Not now." It was a whisper. "But because you need it."

She was right. Emily knew she didn't deserve forgiveness, but she desperately needed it. "I can't forget that it happened. But with time, it'll hurt less. I forgive you."

Without thinking Emily hugged Spencer. She felt the woman tense, but she eventually relaxed into the hug, a sharp intake of breath escaping her lips. She felt her eyes tearing up, the sting of tears. "I'm so sorry. I don't want to lose you again."

Spencer's hand was rubbing her back. She closed her eyes. Strong arms returned the hug. She missed this. The feel of the other woman against her. When they were younger, Emily didn't know what her feelings meant. She wished that their hugs were longer and that Spencer's hand would linger on her thigh more. Spencer was with Toby. She was with Maya and then she wasn't. And then Maya was gone, taken from her.

She had been devastated. Spencer had tried to help her through it. She was there more. Their hugs had become longer, but only on Spencer's part. Spencer's delicate hands had lingered on her thigh more out of concern. Emily pushed her away. She felt guilty, that she had been unfaithful to Maya with thoughts of Spencer.

She had figured things out in Haiti and she returned to Rosewood with a resolve to forget her feelings for Spencer. But she had gotten drunk and lost. She had ended up at Alison's empty grave. Spencer had acted quickly to cover everything up, to protect her.

Spencer had always wanted to protect her. Did she confess to crimes she didn't commit to protect her again?

That night ruined her life. So much had happened. She never found out everything that happened. The one thing she knew was she had gone to see Paige. It was the one good thing. It had brought Paige back into her life. First as a friend, like she promised at the Masquerade Ball. She was nothing but supportive during Spencer's trial and then her imprisonment. She drove her hours away to Muncy just so she could try to visit Spencer. She had been a shoulder to cry on. Paige had become her best friend. And then something more.

History was repeating itself. She had thoughts of Spencer when she was with someone else. It was worse this time. She was married to Paige and had kissed Spencer.

"What's going on here?"

Emily broke out of the hug ready to explain. But Paige was joking, a light smile on her face. She had changed into faded jeans and a large rugby shirt from Princeton. Orange and black stripes.

"Mommy had a time out." Teddy said. She was sitting on the floor, an arm around Dantes. "But it's okay. Mommy and Spencer are friends again."

"That's good. I'll get dinner started." Paige said, genuinely happy that her wife had made up with her friend. She headed into the kitchen. Spencer watched her as she left the room.

"We're friends." The words _"That's all we ever can be," _went unsaid. She was setting the terms. Spencer had taken control of the situation. She was covering things up and hiding the damage. She was protecting her again.

"Yes. We're friends." Emily had to agree. It was what her plan was before Spencer figured out about the kiss. She had to stop. Nothing more could happen. Paige could never find out. She hoped she would never find out.

Teddy squealed happily. Dantes barked at the noise. "Yay. My plans always work. Let's go on the tour now."

Spencer gave Teddy a nod in agreement. The little girl then turned back to the small pitbull, completely occupied with telling him the house rules.

"You have my forgiveness but not my trust. You still need to earn it." Spencer stood up and left Emily on the couch and joined her daughter, who took her by the hand and lead her out of the room.

The things that the other woman did for her. And the things her wife did for her. She was so loved and protected by two women. She didn't deserve either of them.

Neither of them.


	16. Chapter 16

Hey guys. I hope everyone's holidays were amazing and spent with loved ones. Mine were so I didn't have time to get this out soon.

A guest reviewer said that Spencer should be strong as well since prison makes you strong. I did research on what it's like to re-enter society after being in prison, and a lot of people have learned helplessness and low self esteem. Especially since Spencer cut herself off from her friends and her family left her and her mom died. So much trauma. I'm an asshole author I'm building this up slowly. So we'll get badass Spencer moments. Eventually. The chapters from Spencer's POV are low because Spencer is? But the other characters are like "Damn. I don't think I could manage if I had been in your place." We all have triggers, when I see red sneakers I end up crying and I think that makes me a weak person. But I'm told other people couldn't work with the possibility of death. This fic is like therapy for me.

Sorry for this long rant. But thank you guest reviewer. Your review was very constructive. There really is no easy way to end this. Hope you enjoy the chapter. See you all next year.

* * *

"And this is the most important room in the whole house. My room!" Teddy had her hand on the door. It surprisingly was undecorated. There was nothing letting anyone know that behind this closed door was the little girl's room. Teddy opened the door and lead Spencer in by the hand.

While the door was unremarkable, the room was very Teddy Fields. The walls were grey and white vertical stripes that made Spencer think of a prison cell. But splash of colors destroyed that thought. The ceiling was lavender as well as the bookshelves taking up one wall inside a white bookcase. There was a small play table with chairs that where similarly colored, lavender and white. This room had carpeting done in a windowpane pattern, which could be a risky color choice for a child. The rest of the furniture like the dresser and bedside tables were white as well. In the center of the room, there was a canopy bed like the one Spencer had when she was growing up. This one was grey with a white padded footboard and headboard, with sheer white curtains. The comforter looked soft and comfortable, like a hug, somewhere safe to fall asleep.

There were the little things too. There was a place for Teddy's toys that were neatly put away. There was the case of colored pencils she had gotten the girl for her birthday on the table next to her sketchbook and some coloring books. Teddy had some drawings on an inspiration board. A framed photo of a younger Teddy with both her mothers standing on the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Paige was wearing aviator shades and already had her prosthetic fingers, but she was smiling so hard, carrying her daughter on her shoulders. Emily looked gorgeous as always, her arm around Paige's waist.

"Do you like it?" Teddy looked at Spencer uncertainly.

"I love it. It is a very pretty room. Just like the little girl that owns it."

Teddy let out a sigh of relief and then beamed. "Thank you. It was mine since I was a baby."

Spencer ran a hand on the bed's quilt. It was unsurprisingly done in the room's color scheme, lavender and white. But it had tiny grey flowers on it. Mixed with all the pillows on the bed, was a knitted white owl plushie in a spot reserved for a child's first friend and constant companion. She smiled at it. Emily must have made it when she was pregnant with Teddy. "What's her name?"

"Heddy." The little girl belly flopped onto the bed, and picked up the owl. "She stays up and watches over me when I'm sleeping. Makes sure monsters can't eat me up."

It was adorable. Teddy and Heddy. Spencer wondered aloud if that was short for Hedwig.

"Yeah! Like Harry Potter's owl! Cept she doesn't get mail. My mommy made her when I was in my mama's tummy." Teddy mimed the owl flying around.

"Oh..." Spencer was surprised. She had assumed that since Teddy looked like a miniature Emily, that she had been the one to carry the little girl. They apparently used Emily's egg and Paige's uterus. She didn't think that Paige had it in her to be the pregnant one. Unless, Emily couldn't get pregnant.

"You wanna color?" Teddy sat up on her bed. "I love the colored pencils you gots me! They're really pretty and colorful. Like a rainbow!"

"Maybe after dinner? Your mama might need help cooking. Let's go see okay." Spencer said as she looked at the small table with child-sized chairs. If she was going to have dinner in Emily and Paige's home, she could at least be useful.

"Okie Smokey!" Teddy seemed pleased with the promise to color later. She trusted Spencer like any adult in her life. Spencer fully intended to color with her. She wanted to keep that trust. She had learned that trust was one of the most important things in the world. A person was only as good as the promises they kept and the secrets they died with.

The little girl rolled off the bed. "Let's go!"

Together they went out into the hallway, Teddy shutting the door behind them. "Oh no! Dantes didn't get to see my room. I wants him to sleep on my bed. Is that okay?"

"You'll have to ask your moms. And he'll have to get used to it." Spencer's face quirked, a half frown.

"I'ma ask right now. Where's Dantes? I hope he didn't get lost on the tour." Teddy began to pout and ran back to the living room.

Emily was still sitting on the couch where Spencer left her. But she wasn't alone.

The other woman had Dantes in her lap, and was petting his head. Dantes seemed to enjoy the attention. The sight made Spencer smile briefly before she sighed. She was still upset with Emily. She still didn't trust her. She wanted to. But she couldn't just yet.

Forgiveness was easy. Emily looked so crestfallen, as if Spencer was the one that had ripped out her heart. She was truly remorseful for what she had done. She looked shattered, falling to pieces in front of her. Spencer would always try to catch Emily if she was falling, even if that meant Spencer would be the one breaking upon impact. Victims of gravity. So she forgave.

There was not enough time to stay angry. She had already lost so much time. She still felt the seconds slipping away, but she felt frozen. Like she had stopped aging, the days blurring together since high school. She was stuck, stagnant, while her friends were married and had families. So sometimes she felt like a kid. No adult life. Her best friends were a kindergartener and a dog.

But then she would feel so old.

A tiredness had seeped into her bones. If immortality was living on repeat, the mundane on loop, then she had lived forever.

Teddy got on the couch, kneeling close to Emily. The woman had been so deep in thought that she was surprised by the sudden appearance of her daughter. Spencer hung back to watch the two interact. Teddy was so animated in the story she was telling, most likely a debrief on the tour of the hallway, a bathroom, Paige's office, a guest room, and her bedroom. Emily was attentive, smiling at the little girl. Dantes tried to transfer to Teddy's lap. But fell short. Emily gave a rich melodious laugh, a siren song calling her to shipwreck. This was a scene Spencer would have enjoyed to come home to after a long day at work. Her family.

Dantes shook his head, making his ears flop. He looked up, as if searching the room for Spencer. He barked at seeing her, inviting her to join them. Emily followed the dog's gaze and her eyes fell on Spencer. Emily gave her an unsure grin, a bit shy. She ignored the ache in her heart. She was ready and willing to be tossed to jagged rocks, smashed and drowned whenever Emily smiled.

Spencer looked away and took a deep breath. Like someone afraid of fire after being burned, she was afraid. She was afraid of getting hurt. Emily hurt her. She was afraid of Emily. It was so simple. It was so stupid. But still she shuddered.

"Who braided your hair?" Emily swept her hand over her daughter's head.

"Spencer did. It's pretty, right?" Teddy beamed up at her mother, showing off her teeth, chin up.

"She did? It really is pretty." Emily looked over at Spencer again. "Thank you."

Spencer was still standing back, hugging herself. "It wasn't a problem." She couldn't stand the sight in front of her a second longer, a loving mother and daughter that made her miss her own mother. That made her ache for something she had just promised herself she couldn't want anymore. She looked towards the kitchen. "Does Paige need help with dinner? I think I'm going to help her with dinner."

Emily called out to her. But Spencer went ahead into the kitchen. "Hey, Paige. Do you need help with anything?"

Paige was putting the pork chops into a stainless steel double oven set in the wall. Spencer blinked in surprise at what was a gorgeous kitchen. There was a kitchen island where a small meal could be had, probably the center of many family talks instead of lonely dinners because of absent parents. The countertops were a dusky grey, but it seemed the kitchen had a brightness to it that didn't come from the lighting. Maybe Teddy was wrong, the kitchen was the most important room in the house. As if all the living was done in here. There was a unity in place, instead of some desolate addition to bring up the market value of the house like her father had done with their kitchen remodel. Everything was for show; a status symbol of imported Italian marble countertops and the most expensive appliances that were hardly used because they lived on take out, no time for home cooked meals.

She had learned how to truly cook in prison.

"Spencer?" Paige was in front of her, concern on her face.

"Hmm?" She replied, a little embarrassed that the lawyer had caught her off guard.

"I said that I'm pretty much done with the pork chops and the side dish." Paige cocked her head towards the uppermost oven that had a glass pan cooking. "Asparagus and red potatoes. Nothing fancy. I just like to cook." The woman shrugged.

"Oh." Spencer bit her lip. Paige could cook as well. "Is there anything you can't do?"

Her eyes widened. She hadn't meant to say that thought aloud. Before she could apologize, Paige let out a rich laugh.

"Snap." Paige brandished her left hand, rubbing the artificial digits together. It was a well-rehearsed joke. "And 3D movies aren't that enjoyable either. The glasses don't work too great for me."

Spencer gave a shy but crooked grin, finding Paige's humor a relief and a little dark like her own. "Yeah. I guess those would be really challenging for you." She stated wryly.

Paige rewarded her with a smirk, before brightening. "You want to help. There's something you can do. Toss the salad."

"What?" Spencer felt her face get red, as Paige strode confidently to the fridge. She thought back to Mac and Chuck teasing her youth and sexual naiveté. Mac took pity on her and started explaining various sex acts in academic detail, along with their common colloquialisms. The only things that were lacking were power point presentations and demonstrations. But Chuck made sure to remedy the latter by having sex with Mac in places that Spencer could catch them in.

"There's a strainer in the top cabinet in front of you." Paige bent over and pulled out two hearts Romaine lettuce and two small plum tomatoes.

Spencer got the strainer out sheepishly. Of course Paige was talking about making an actual salad. The woman started washing the leaves. "You any good with a knife?"

Makeshift blades flashed in her mind. "Uh." She clenched and unclenched her fist, thinking about damages done and the ghost of pain on her hip. "I'm better with my hands."

Paige put the lettuce and tomatoes in the strainer, giving her a confused look. Spencer looked away. Why did her thoughts go to something else, sex and violence, instead of what a normal person from polite society would think of first, something innocent?

"Right. Well I guess I'll do the dicing and you can do the peeling." Paige came back with a red onion, a cucumber, and a carrot. She washed those in the sink as well. Finishing up, she got out a cutting board and a knife and started dicing up the onion. "Peeler's over there."

Rolling up her sleeves of her flannel shirt, Spencer washed her hands and found the peeler. She picked up the carrot and got to work. She watched Paige quickly finish up with the onion, and taking on the cucumber. Paige was skilled with the knife in a delicate way, someone that could create while all Spencer could do with her hands was destroy.

"You're better at this than Emily. She knows how to handle a scalpel but is crap at chopping vegetables." Paige began with small talk, as she tackled the tomatoes. "That carrot needs to be sliced." She motioned her over to the cutting board.

Spencer handed her the peeled carrot, and Paige set it down on the cutting board. She then handed her the knife with a look of trust. Spencer took it hesitantly, and Paige maneuvered her in front of the board. Spencer started slicing the carrot with a shaky hand. Paige wrapped her hand in her own, her chest pressing into her back, guiding her slicing. "There. Easy does it."

Shivering involuntarily, Spencer inhaled sharply. She thought back to when she was taught how to cook. Rough and calloused hands guiding hers, those same hands would later caress her body and lovingly take her through her first time.

Paige's hands were soft, but just as strong as the ones from her memory. The prosthetic fingers felt interesting on the back of hers. Then the contact was lost. "Sorry. Did I hurt your hand?"

"No. It's fine." Spencer said, closing her eyes.

"I should have asked first. I was just worried about you getting hurt." Paige looked sorry for overstepping her boundaries.

"I just... haven't held a knife in awhile that's all." Spencer got her breathing steady, making an excuse. "I-"

"You're worried about parole?"

That was true. It was irrational but she was so damn afraid of violating the terms of her parole. She had been so stupid to take Teddy away from the shop. If the cops had been called by Emily or anyone suspicious enough, she would have been in trouble. There was possession of anything that could be used as a weapon. Doing anything that could land her back in prison if she got caught with it, made her nervous about knifes and being out late, even though she no longer had a curfew. She wanted to visit her mother, but she couldn't leave the city.

"That's part of it." She had lied so Paige wouldn't find out her touch made her body react in ways she didn't want, but now they were talking about another fear of hers. "I hurt people. Just with my hands. It was self-defense, yes. And I was good at it. But I hated it."

"You're not dangerous, Spencer. I trust you. And Emily trusts you too even though she freaked out on you about Teddy. Emily can get overprotective. I mean... we got banned from this pizza place because she was ready to throw down with a clown that had made Teddy cry when she was three. It's because Teddy is our little miracle. We didn't really think we could get pregnant again after..." Paige stopped, getting choked up.

"You don't have to talk about him." Spencer saw the pained look on the woman's face.

But Paige waved her off. "Emily miscarried. And I promised we would try again. But there was a complication, and she couldn't get pregnant. But I still could. So we used an egg from her and that's how we got Teddy." The two of them were quiet. Spencer didn't know how to comfort Paige, so she borrowed a move that the other woman constantly used on her. That let her know that she had support, a casual reminder that someone was there. She put her hand on Paige's shoulder. "We would have named him Patrick. He would've been nine by now."

"I'm sorry." Spencer kept eye contact with Paige. Too many funerals.

It was silence for them until the timer went off and Paige took the asparagus and potatoes out. She gave her a sad smile. "It hurts less in time."

Spencer nodded, not sure of what to say. She finished slicing the carrot and put everything into a large bowl she got from the same cabinet that she got the strainer from. Paige took out a glass bottle and poured what looked like olive oil into the bowl. Then she tossed all the ingredients together, and the salad was ready.

Teddy came into the kitchen. "Mommy said I should ask if I can sets the table now. And dinner smells yummy."

Paige picked her daughter and gave her a tight hug, to her delight. Teddy's childish laughter filled the kitchen. "You sure can."

Once she had both feet on the ground, Teddy looked over at Spencer. "You wanna help?"

"Alright." Spencer knew the little girl was special the minute she came into her life. The little girl grinned and practically skipped to the drawer. Spencer stepped closer to Paige, "She's a good kid."

"Thank you." Paige whispered.

"Spencer! This is where the spoon and forks are!" Teddy was standing on a small set of steps, and had a drawer upon. "So you'll know for next time." She picked up four forks and pointed at a cabinet above her head. "You can get the plates cuz they are so high up and you're tall. Not as tall as my mommies. But taller than me!"

"You'll grow like a weed. Don't worry. I knew your mommy when she was tiny like you." Spencer took down four plates carefully and held them tightly in both hands.

"You and my mommy were little togethers? And you grew up togethers?" Teddy's eyes widened. "Were you a shark too?"

"I did go to high school with your mommies. But I wasn't on the swim team with them. I was on the field hockey team with your mama though." Spencer looked at Paige who was getting the pork chops out of the oven.

"It's true. Spencer was amazing on the field. All kinds of swift and graceful. She was the one to watch. And made our uniform skirt look good." Paige smirked.

She didn't think Paige took notice of her on the field, when they played together. They had always butted heads during practice and in the hallways. Especially when it came to Emily. But it sounded like Paige had always admired and respected her despite the glares they had shared.

"Then how comes you're not in that picture with my mommies, Auntie Hanna and Uncle Caleb, and that other girl with really big eyes? The one with the weird dresses and funny hats." Teddy looked up at them curiously.

"That's your Aunt Aria." Paige explained to her daughter, buying time for Spencer. "And that is what you wear when you graduate. High school graduation."

"I didn't graduate from high school." Spencer murmured. Before she had even been formally charged, the school administration especially Tamborelli, had her expelled. She didn't fight it. She felt that it was what A wanted. She did eventually earn her GED, since it meant she could get a job that paid better than her job in the kitchen. "I had to go away."

"To prison?" Teddy asked. Paige looked surprised that her daughter knew the truth.

"She overheard Hanna." Spencer explained to Paige. She didn't want to lie to the girl. Especially if her mothers didn't balk at explaining things like sexuality and death. "But yes. I went to prison."

"But you're not mean or bad! You're really nice to me!" Teddy looked distressed at Spencer's past, even though they had talked about it before. "It's not fair."

"I did a bad thing. I hurt people. So I had to go away." Spencer stated slowly. What she said wasn't exactly a lie. She was innocent when it came to the deaths of Alison and Maya, but she had hurt so many people. Paige was frowning at her. She had gone too far in her "truth telling." She looked down at her shoes.

"Tedge, can you go tell mommy dinner is almost ready? I need to talk to Spencer." Paige ran her hand over her daughter's head. The little girl crossed her arms suspiciously. "I'm not mad at her and she's not in trouble. Go on."

The little girl gave her mother one last look of warning before going to the dining room.

"I'm sorry if I went too far with Teddy. If you didn't want me to tell her all that." Spencer looked down at the plates in her hand, her grip so tight that it hurt.

"No. If you want her to know then I'm okay with that. Not that she understands what it means. I don't understand it myself." Paige spoke intently. Spencer could feel the woman's eyes on her. "I think if you spend enough time around certain people, you start to think you belong there."

"Those women weren't bad people. They just made mistakes." Spencer thought about the other inmates she had met, the women they had been before they had landed in prison. There had been errors in judgment, and choices that lead to loss of life. The Professor, Mac and Chuck. Semi.

"What about you, Spencer? You don't think you're a good person that just made a mistake?" Paige was standing in front of her, with both hands on her shoulder. "Please look at me. Do you regret it?"

Spencer looked Paige in the eye. The other woman was just trying to understand, to get a confession. Paige looked so earnest that she almost told the lawyer everything. The woman had her own assumptions, and Spencer could let her continue to have those. But it felt like Paige was piecing it together. The lawyer's energy could be put to better use.

"I don't regret what I did." Spencer said calmly. She had given Emily a life in place of her own. That was worth it.

Paige looked at her sharply. "But what exactly did you do?"

Shrugging out of the lawyer's hold, Spencer glanced at the kitchen door. Emily or Teddy could walk in at any moment. This was not for them to hear.

"You can trust me."

"I know." Spencer had no choice but to lean in and whisper into Paige's ear. She didn't know who was listening in. "Now is not the time to talk about it."

Paige nodded and traced her finger on Spencer's forearm. It had been an unexpected move, so she shivered. But Paige's intention had be to give her letters, A and M. AM. Tomorrow morning.

Just as Spencer nodded her understanding and agreement, Emily came into the kitchen. "Hey! Are we going to eat or what?"

"Excuse my wife, Spencer. She gets impatient when she's hungry." Paige pulled Emily in close to her side and kissed her on the cheek.

"I do not!" Emily pouted, and swatted at Paige's chest. The other woman just let loose a robust laugh. It was all very cute and loving. Spencer ducked her head, feeling like a voyeur. She was an intruder in their happy home, breaking and entering. "What's ready to bring out to the table?"

"Everything's ready, actually." Paige answered sheepishly, scratching the back of her head.

"See! If I didn't come in here, we'd be having the pork chops for breakfast." Emily chided, and shook her head playfully.

"Well, I still have to grab the applesauce." Paige stuck her tongue out. She went to the fridge and took out a jar.

"Don't stick your tongue out unless you intend to use it." Emily furrowed her brows but was still smiling. She stepped in closer to Paige, until they were inches apart. At the last minute, Emily faked left and grabbed the salad bowl. "And don't forget the trivets for those."

Paige growled in mock frustration. But Emily just headed towards the door. "Come on, Spencer."

Spencer followed Emily to the dining room. She had felt that the couple had forgotten that she was still there. It just furthered her earlier feeling that she was out of place. She was lost and didn't belong anywhere. She would never have that with anyone, let alone with Emily.

"Sorry about that. I hope we didn't make you uncomfortable back there." Emily's face was apologetic, with a tinge of what Spencer thought was guilt.

"Why should you feel sorry about that? She's your wife." Spencer stated. "She loves you. Don't forget that."

Before Emily could reply, Spencer went ahead to the table. She set down a plate by the forks Teddy had been holding and had set on the table earlier. Not only had Emily betrayed her trust, but had caused her to betray Paige. Loyalty was one of the only things of value she could give, and she was worthless if she broke that. And she was making sure Emily didn't get hurt, that was the only way this could end.

There was no happy endings when Spencer Hastings was involved.

"Teodora Elizabeth! I told you to stop playing with Dantes and get cleaned up for dinner." Emily was standing at the entrance to the living room, hands on her hips. "Come to the kitchen where I can see you wash your hands." The little girl trudged into the dining room. Emily kept the stern look on her face, and glanced over at her. Spencer knew that she was on the receiving end of Emily's disappointment more than Teddy was.

Paige came out into the dining room with a tray of knives, tumblers and a pitcher of ice tea. "Hey. Could I get you to go back into the kitchen? I forgot the trivets. Thanks, Spence." The lawyer went to set the pitcher and plastic tumblers on the table. One of the knives was purple.

Spencer pushed into the kitchen confused. For the life of her she couldn't recall what a trivet was. She didn't know her way around a kitchen until prison and Muncy didn't have trivets. She looked around the kitchen unsure. Teddy was standing on top of a step up stool, washing her hands at the sink under the watchful eye of her mother.

"Hey." Spencer tested out the water. Emily looked up with a frown. She was still upset. Emily had just been apologizing for making her uncomfortable. "About earlier-"

"I get it, Spencer. You're still unhappy with me. I shouldn't expect a fast fix." Emily started quickly as she came to stand in front of her. Spencer realized that it wasn't her Emily wasn't upset with. Emily was upset with herself.

"Yeah. I mean, okay. We're trying right? This dinner tonight and we have tomorrow. To start again." Spencer didn't know why she was giving assurances to Emily when she was the one the one that had done wrong. But she always tried to make sure the girl was happy and taken care of ever since they were kids. Old habits died hard, even when they were both adults and Emily had Paige.

"Alright dinner." Emily smiled shyly. "And then tomorrow."

"Well, we need to get dinner out there first." Spencer smirked easily, an almost forgotten response to a missed and longed for stimulus.

"You find the trivets okay?" Paige came back into the kitchen with a push of the door. Teddy hopped down from her step up stool and came over.

"I actually don't know what that is." Spencer looked down at her sneakers, feeling stupid.

"Oh, sorry." Paige winced apologetically. She went to the cabinet and pulled out a flat stainless steel square with a geometric design followed by a second one. Spencer still didn't know what they were for. She handed them off to Teddy. "You got those, Tedge? Your muscles can manage all that right?"

Teddy nodded hard. "Yesh."

"Do you want to grab the potatoes, Spence?" Paige grabbed some potholders and gripped the glass dishpan by its handles. Spencer tested the glass pan the potatoes and asparagus was in. Her rough hands were calloused so she could tolerate the heat. She had moved hotter trays at Nina's shop. Paige had already moved towards the dining room with Teddy, so it was only Emily that gave her a look of concern. She just shrugged it off with a smirk and headed out of the kitchen.

Teddy had set a trivet on the table and Paige set the dishpan of pork chops on top of it, keeping the heat off the table. So that's what a trivet was for. Teddy put a second one on the table and Spencer followed the lawyer's lead and set the side dish on the trivet. Emily came out carrying a bowl filled with applesauce.

"I wants to sit next to Spencer." Teddy announced. Paige shared a look with Emily.

"Teddy, I have to cut your pork chops." Emily frowned.

"But Mommy! I can cut my own food. I'm a big kid." Teddy pouted. She looked at Spencer briefly, as if the little girl was afraid of loosing standing with her. She had done the same when she was younger, insisting on independence.

"You'll hurt yourself." Emily insisted, as she took a seat at the table. She patted the seat next to hers.

"Your mom did get her those KiddieKutter knives for her birthday. To get her interested in cooking." Paige pointed at the purple knife that she had brought out earlier with the other knives. She had an amused grin as she continued. "And so she can know her way around a kitchen so she won't be hopeless."

"My mom would say that." Emily held her head in her hands. But she relented. "I suppose your motor skills are more than enough. Okay, Baby Girl. You can sit by Spencer."

"Its no trouble at all." Spencer looked at the family. Teddy cheered, and climbed into the chair opposite Emily, leaving Paige and Spencer to sit across from one another.

"I'm so glad you decided to have dinner with us, Spencer." Paige smiled at her as she served them pork chops. "I hope it's the first of many."

"Yes. I meant it when I said you can come over anytime." Emily said hopefully.

"I..." Spencer hesitated. This much attention was making her nervous. This much kindness made her chest ache. Her first instinct was that she would have to give them something, to owe a favor. Nothing ever came for free. But this was unconditional. They could be her family. She didn't have to be alone.

Although... being alone hurt less. No one would lie to her. No one would get hurt because of her. No one would die because of her. They would all be safe. Being alone meant never having to say good-bye.

This was one of the battles raging in her head, up against a dark and icy loneliness. The war inside her. And she felt like she was losing on all fronts. Against doubt, against fear, against rage. It was all her though. A wasn't the only enemy. She was fighting herself.

But there were lights guiding her through the darkness. She just had to follow them. Follow them home.

She closed her eyes, hit with a memory. A midsummer night and an endless light.

_The kids in the neighborhood decided to have a game of flashlight tag. Spencer was up for a game of anything, if it meant she could win. She was really good at Hide and Seek, which was good for her because Melissa was one of the Seekers, armed with a flashlight. She heard her sister calling the names of people she tagged. Those kids ended up going to jail. Someone could break them out, but that person wasn't going to be her. She had a really good hiding place, and she was going to be the last one found. _

_Spencer sat in the dark, waiting. She giggled to herself. Melissa was never going to find her. _

_There was someone close to her hiding spot. There was a flash of light and Spencer held her breath. But this light was blue. Spencer wondered about that but the person was getting closer. Real close, almost on top of her. She was about to get stepped on._

_"Hey!" Spencer whispered harshly and the girl screamed. She pulled the girl down and they fell into a tangle together. She didn't know who the girl was. She had dark hair and dark eyes. Maybe they were brown. That's all she could see in moonlight. This wasn't a girl from their neighborhood._

_"Ow. What was that for?" The girl spoke loudly. _

_"Be quiet or she'll find us." Spencer whispered again. _

_"What?" In the moonlight, Spencer saw the confusion on the girl's face. Then they were illuminated by the flashlight. She saw that the girl had soft brown eyes then. _

_"Spencer! I found you." Melissa laughed gleefully. _

_"That's not fair!" Spencer jumped up from her hiding spot. "This... this idiot almost stepped on me. She doesn't even go here! She wasn't even playing!" _

_"Hey! You were the one hiding there." The girl shot back._

_"Because we're playing tag! It's part of the game." Spencer was angry. Her hiding spot had been found out and she was caught. _

_"Well. I'm not even playing!"_

_"See!"_

_"Shut up!" Melissa shouted. "I don't care. Spencer and-"_

_"Paige." The girl said by way of introduction._

_"Spencer and Paige, go to jail. And Paige, you can play with us for the next game, if you want." Melissa said._

_Grumbling, Spencer trudged off to the tree that served as jail for everyone that was tagged. The girl, Paige was following behind her. She turned around annoyed. "What are you doing?"_

_"Going to jail." Paige was holding a flashlight. She shrugged._

_"Now you're playing?" Spencer growled._

_"Yeah. Might as well. Catching fireflies is hard to do by yourself." Paige brandished her flashlight with a blue film tied around it by way of explanation. "Unless you want to help me?"_

_"Why would I want to help you?" Spencer threw her hands up in the air. _

_"Well. We don't have to play tag because you seem like a sore loser." Paige suggested. "Just offering an alternative."_

_Spence paused. Not many girls her age had a vocabulary like her. She looked over at this girl with suspicion. "I just like winning."_

_They had arrived at the tree but they were the only two there. "Where is everyone?"_

_"There was a jailbreak before you stepped on me." Spencer stated. She was mad. No one was going to break them out anytime soon. Paige took a spot against the tree, leaning against it heavily. That left Spencer to stand with her arms crossed. "Do you even know the rules?"_

_Paige stayed quiet this time. Spencer watched her through slitted eyes. She had never seen this girl before. She either went to another school or had just moved here this summer. She was wearing shorts and a dark polo shirt. Her hair was up in a ponytail. _

_"Spencer!" Someone was calling her name. She looked up from the tree. Emily was grinning up at her, crouched down by some bushes close by. Spencer nodded at her and got ready for the other girl to break her out. If Melissa or one of the other Seekers came back and shined the light on Emily, then they would all be in jail. Emily sprinted over and grabbed her hand. And because she was Emily she grabbed onto Paige's hand too._

_When the three of them were far enough away, Emily let go of their hands. Spencer didn't know why but she felt its loss immediately. "Thanks, Em! You came for me." _

_"You would have done the same for me if I was in jail." Emily smiled shyly. Then she looked over at Paige. "Hi, I'm Emily." The other girl had always been friendly, her bright smile shinning even in the dark._

_Paige looked confused. "He-hello." Her voice quivered. Gone was that earlier cool tone she had with Spencer. "Paige."_

_"You were really fast back there. I think you were ahead for the most part, pulling us along." Emily complimented._

_"Yeah. Thanks." Paige ducked her head bashfully. "You were good too. Saving us and all."_

_"I was glad I could keep up." Emily nodded._

_Spencer didn't like being left out of the conversation. This girl was hogging all of Emily's attention. She had kept up with the two of them. She had never been that athletic but she was competitive. For some reason, she wanted Emily's focus back on her. "You just need to be in your element, Em. She pretty much is a blur when she gets in the water." Spencer bragged on Emily's behalf._

_"Oh. You swim? Me too." Paige had a twinkle in her eyes and a dopey grin on her face._

_This was the wrong thing to bring up. Now they had another thing to talk about. She soured. "We should keep moving. They can find us." She took Emily by the hand, leaving Paige behind._

_But Emily chided her. "Spencer!"_

_"What? I got caught because of her." She defended herself. Emily gave her a stern look. "Fine. But if we see a flashlight, you are on your own."_

_Emily was about to protest. But Paige cut her off. "Alright. I'll be the distraction. And you guys get away. We'll meet here if we get separated." They were in Emily's backyard; a light was on in the kitchen._

_That wasn't what Spencer meant, but if that's what Paige wanted to believe, she'd let her. The three of them kept walking in silence, putting distance between them and the jail by cutting through backyards. Emily stopped them suddenly._

_"Look." Emily sounded excited as she pointed towards some tall grass near a wooded area. Thousands of twinkling lights, bobbing up and down like living Christmas lights._

_"Fireflies." Paige and Spencer said at the same time. This made Spencer glare at the intruder, but Paige just smirked at the situation. _

_"Did you know the state insect is the firefly?" Spencer stated hoping to wipe that smirk off her face._

_"Yeah. Photuris pennsylvsnica. The name is right there in the taxon." Paige had her flashlight out again, with the blue film over the lens. "The flashing is their mating ritual. The males flash their lights and if the females see one they like they flash back." She shined her light on Emily. "You use a blue light to catch them. We can try to catch some if you want."_

_Spencer wanted to say no. She wanted to say it was a stupid idea. But it could be fun. Only if anyone but this girl had suggested it would she have gone along. Emily wanted to though. Paige flashed her blue light at the fireflies and headed towards the bugs. Emily began to follow, but took Spencer's hand first. "Come on."_

The three of them had spent the rest of the night chasing fireflies, a thousand dancing lights, as if that one moment was unlimited. Shining diamonds. Their laughter was the summer night soundtrack. She had felt so safe, and wishing that the feeling of freedom would never end.

She and Emily didn't see Paige again until high school, until after they were followers of Alison. Paige was different by then. She wasn't that well-meaning sweetheart with the dopey smile and the soft brown eyes. Instead she was a brutish rival with a scowl and a cold gaze that pushed people away until that was all Spencer chose to see. A rival for Emily's affections and that made her a villain instead of a scared teenage girl.

A hand was on hers now, bringing Spencer out of her head. Emily was holding her hand gently, and it was enough to pull her back. The couple before her looked worried for her.

_"Come on." _A gentle prodding.

"I'm sorry, Paige." Spencer could hear her voice shake. "I was nothing but rude to you the moment we met. And you both are showing me such kindness when you don't have to. I'm not that used to it. And it scares me.

"Aw. Don't be scared." Teddy flopped onto her, wrapping tiny arms around her. "We love you."

Paige put her hand on top of Emily's, on top of theirs. "The kid is right."

"Duh. I'm always right." Teddy broke out of the hug in order to get on her knees in her chair and lean over the table to include her hands on top of theirs. Spencer grinned softly and put her free hand on top of the stack.

She could be part of a team, a part of a family again. She could ask for help. She could try opening up to Eli and Karolina. She could trust Paige, and eventually Emily again.

No good came from being alone.

She had watched fireflies from her bedroom window one summer evening. The glow of the beetles had been warmer than anything inside her house that night. But she didn't have anyone to catch them with. Still she tried, with a butterfly net, a flashlight and a jar. She got a good amount of fireflies in the end, their blinking lightings illuminating her bedroom.

She had kept them in the jar and they had died, their lights snuffed out. She felt cheated, and stupid for believing in magic or fairytales. Wishing on fireflies because they were easier to reach than stars.

But she knew now, sitting there with this loving family that keeping something for yourself lead to it fading away. But if letting go meant that it would keep burning bright. Unlimited. She'd get tomorrow and the day after that. Spencer would get forever.

She could let go of Emily for now.

They went back to dinner with breezy conversation headed by Teddy, with funny stories from Emily and Paige that Spencer even contributed to. Dantes barked from time to time, not wanting to be left out. The food was good and the company she was sharing it was even better. The warmth and laughter was enough to ignore that voice in her head that was telling her that in a jar, fireflies only last for one night.


	17. Chapter 17

Hope you guys enjoyed the return of Pretty Little Liars. WHAT AND THE WHAT! Okay but yeah. Sorry that it took me awhile to get this out. Exams you guys. Exams. Also writers block. So it became this really long monster chapter because I kept adding.

To the guest reviews! YAY. I hope I am hitting close to accurate with the medical and the Philly/Muncy bits. To everyone that faved and followed thank you. To everyone thank you! Just thank you. Feel free to review with any comments and if you need anything to be cleared up.

Disclaimer: I do not own this show.

* * *

The house was quiet. Emily, already showered and dressed, sipped her cup of coffee at the kitchen island as she read. Paige was still out on her morning run, and Teddy was still asleep. While Dantes was awake, Spencer was right when she said he was a good dog. He had barked excitedly when he saw her but now he was sitting quietly by the legs of her stool. He didn't want for anything.

Emily didn't know anything about owning a dog, what foods they couldn't eat and what kinds of vaccinations they would need. Paige had grown up with Rottweilers when she was younger, so her wife had some idea.

She wondered why she and the other girls hadn't owned a dog, growing up in Rosewood. With A around they should have taken every self-defense class from escrima to Krav Maga. Paige of course had picked up an interest in escrima after watching a demo when they were in the Philippines. That fear Paige had after her attack led to her looking into different martial arts classes, but escrima appealed to her the most.

Then there were the guns. She hated them in the house but they made Paige feel safe. They made her feel whole. Her wife had something to prove even after all the reassurances Emily gave.

Paige did so much to prove that she could. That nothing was really taken from her.

Emily was surprised that they hadn't bought a dog yet. Based on what she read on dogs, some of them were really protective of their owners. Very loyal to their families. She was reading a blog written by the owner of a pitbull and a Rottweiler raised together as pups to get some idea of what Dantes would be like.

She knew about the stigma attached to pitbulls, just as much as the stigma attached to ex-convicts. They were thought of violent snarling dogs that were bred to fight. Same with Rottweilers. Vicious monsters. She had a few patients that needed laceration repairs after they had been attacked by the dogs. But the monsters had been the owners that raised their dogs that way.

No wonder Spencer identified with Dantes.

The little dog at her feet looked up at her. His panting making his mouth look like a dopey grin. Pitbulls really loved people she had read. They were actually friendly dogs, to the point of being clowns. He did a good job of making them laugh last night with his hyper antics. Emily thought he was good for Spencer.

But Dantes and the typical behavior of pitbulls she had just read reminded Emily of Paige. Her wife was such a goofball and her priority was her family. She was very active and energetic. She was always the life of any social gathering, ready with a joke or anecdote.

Paige wasn't like that in high school. She had finally opened up when she came out.

Spencer on the other hand reminded her of a Rottweiler. Wary around people they didn't know if they weren't socialized well as pups. Growing up in the Hastings household and prison made Spencer more comfortable around people she trusted. But to those people she was completely loyal and an absolute sweetheart.

Emily didn't think she was one of those people for Spencer, unlike her daughter and her wife. The other woman had her guard up around her and was hesitant to be alone with her.

When it came to washing the dishes after dinner, Spencer had stood up to clear the table and do the task. When she found out that Emily was the one that usually washed the dishes while Paige got Teddy ready for bed, Spencer looked nervous. But still she insisted.

_"I mean yeah. It's no trouble at all." Spencer rubbed at the crook of her elbow. It was a mannerism that Emily was noticing more and more. She was sick with what it could mean. "It is my job after all."_

_"Which is why you should just relax in the living room. I'm not paying you overtime." Paige joked, a wide grin on her face. _

_Emily winced, bracing herself for a negative reaction from Spencer. But Spencer just ducked her head, a shy smile gracing her face._

_Paige continued, "What'll you have? We have wine or beer. Coffee or tea."_

_"Uh. Beer?" Spencer consented. "But only after I help with the dishes."_

_"Okay." Paige smirked and bowed playfully. "Come on Tedge. Let's get you cleaned up."_

_"Then Dantes next!" Teddy squealed._

_"Sure." Paige picked their daughter up. The little girl's giggling sounded down the hallway._

_When it was just Emily and Spencer left in the dining room, Spence looked at her expectantly._

_"You don't have to do this." Emily tried. "If it makes you uncomfortable..."_

_"It does." Spencer admitted. "But I do have to get used to you. Being around you." She wasn't looking at her. "Fifteen years. I don't know you anymore. You don't know me either. We aren't exactly the same kids from high school. I'm not that girl. Don't expect me to be."_

_Emily felt crushed. That's exactly what she had done with Spencer, and she knew._

_"Just like I can't expect you to be the girl I-" Spencer stalled, her face scrunching up as if she was in pain. "We're strangers now. But we can be friends. Again."_

So they had washed the dishes in silence. She had tried to catch glimpses of Spencer's forearms, to study them more.

But Spencer became fidgety and once they were finished, she rolled the sleeves of her blue flannel shirt down. Spencer had closed off again. She had sat quietly on the couch nursing her glass of beer, listening to Paige and Teddy until her daughter had to go to bed. By then Spencer's bus had stopped running. They had offered Spencer their guest room. But Spencer declined, ducking her head and hiding behind strands of hair.

It was too soon to ask her to stay. She had to let Spencer decide. Let Spencer come to her.

In the end, Emily asked Paige to drive Spencer home, to the woman's surprise.

_"You can drive?" Spencer asked in shock. _

_"Well yeah. I did take Driver's Ed the same time as you." Paige teased good-naturedly and pointed to her left eye behind her glasses. "This one still works. According to my ophthalmologist at least." _

_"Oh." Spencer looked ruefully._

_"Don't sweat it. I get that a lot when people figure out about the eye." Paige was being polite, but Emily knew those assumptions got to her. Humor was a defense mechanism for her wife. "Let me grab my jacket and we'll go." _

_The two of them were left alone again, and Spencer looked demolished at offending Paige. "I didn't mean to upset her." Her hand went back to crook of her elbow. _

_"She hides it well, but she thinks that because of her eye and her hand that she can't protect us. But she makes me feel so safe." And loved. Emily felt guilty. Paige gave so much of herself, while all she did was take. It showed on her body and it showed in her actions with Spencer. _

_"Yes." Spencer's tone was in agreement, before she put her sneakers and jacket on. _

_Emily sighed. Even Spencer felt safe with Paige, more than she did with her at the moment apparently. She couldn't hold it against her. It was something felt by anyone that met Paige and got to know her. She would have been a great police officer, social worker, or a kindergarten teacher. Her wife was great with kids._

_Which caused another reason for Paige to be apprehensive about her hand, her eye and the scars on her face. A bad experience for her was right after her attack, when a little kid cried at the sight of the still healing scars behind the eye patch and on her hand. So Emily had brought her to the pediatric ward to visit the kids there, especially the ones that were being treated for burns and trauma. She was very gentle with them and played with them. And the children flocked to her as well. Ever since she was a favorite with the nurses and doctors she worked with. This was why Paige would volunteer at the hospital at least once a month._

_"You can apologize to Paige by... reassuring her that you trust her. She's a great driver actually. More cautious." Emily stepped closer to Spencer who was still looking at the floor. "And better still, talk to her about her bikes. Her bicycle and her motorcycle. Running and rowing. Things that make her feel whole. You know Teddy. And..." She trailed off. Emily didn't know what would come up if Spencer and Paige talked about her. She continued with her advice that would make Spencer feel like she was able to repair the slight. She could tell that the other woman would agonize over this until Paige was smiling and laughing with her again. _

_Because she knew that she herself wouldn't stop until Spencer was smiling and laughing with her. Until Spencer trusted her. Little steps._

_"And really, don't sweat it." Emily put her hand Spencer's shoulder. "Seriously, Spence. She considers you a friend."_

_"Okay." Spencer looked up at her, staring straight into her eyes and passing on recognition. "Thank you. I know that you're trying. But I can't..."_

_It was true. Emily wanted to drive Spencer home. But if the other woman had been uncomfortable washing dishes with her for twenty minutes, then a longer car ride was going to be torture for her. She had to put Spencer's needs and comfort before her own._

_She had to be patient with Spencer and not ask her about the scars on her arms and drug use. Just like she had waited with the scars on the inside of Paige's thighs and knees._

_"You need time." Emily stated simply, even though it was more complicated than that._

_Paige came back wearing a brown leather aviator jacket that Emily had bought her since her wife insisted on riding a motorcycle, along with a vintage Perfecto jacket. It was well insulated and fit her well, cutting a very dashing figure. "Found this in Teddy's room again. I thought that's why we got her a jacket like this one."_

_Emily shook her head. While they did a mini version of Paige's jacket for their daughter that she had used as part of her Halloween costume, Teddy was constantly borrowing it. She said it smelled like her mama and helped her sleep. But it was probably part of a habit that formed from when she was younger and Paige would have her nap on the daybed in the home office. Her wife would drape the jacket on the sleeping toddler and had to keep doing so when Teddy refused to nap when they used a regular blanket. But like mother, like daughter because Emily would also borrow some of Paige's looser clothes, like her jackets and button ups when Paige wasn't home yet._

_"You know how much she loves it." Emily kissed Paige on right cheek. "Stay safe."_

_"Always do." Paige gave her a salute, then capturing her in a one armed hug._

_"Spencer, thank you for coming. I'll see you tomorrow for Dantes right?" Emily asked hopefully._

_"Yes. I'll see you tomorrow."_

She sighed. "I screwed up." Dantes barked at her, as if in agreement. "These things do take time. And some backbone."

Paige had come back with a bag full of things for Dantes that she and Spencer had stopped to get. A leash and collar harness, a rope chew toy, a dog bed and some dog food. She had said that Spencer had insisted she pay for all of it since they were letting Dantes stay with them. But Paige had told Emily that they were covering the cost of the veterinarian visit and everything else needed.

The click of the front door opening sounded, followed by Paige's rich laughter. Even though it was muffled and she couldn't make out what was being said, Emily could hear Spencer's husky voice.

"I left him in the kitchen after I fed him." Paige said from the other side of the kitchen door, before entering with Spencer. Her face lit up when she saw Emily sitting on the kitchen island. "Hey, babe. You're up." She walked over and gave her a quick kiss on the lips.

Spencer was still standing by the door. "And look who I found downstairs."

"Good morning, Spencer." Emily greeted.

"Morning. I was going to walk Dantes if that's okay." Spencer said as she glanced around the kitchen, everywhere but Emily next to Paige.

Hearing Spencer's voice got Dantes excited. He ran to her quickly. He licked her shin, and then got up on his hind legs and put his paws on her thighs. He started barking up at her. Spencer crouched down and started scratching him behind the ear. "Were you good for Emily and Paige?"

"He was good. He's really well behaved surprisingly." Paige spoke. "I guess his previous owners did something right."

There was an edge to Paige's voice, expressing her disbelief and disgust at how someone could abandon a dog to the city, with no one and not a thing but a threadbare blanket. Emily had put it in the wash and laid it out on his dog bed for him to sleep on. So he'd have something familiar in new surroundings. They let him stay in the kitchen because it remained one of the warmer places in the house.

Spencer stayed quiet as she pet Dantes. Emily wondered what she was thinking. If she was thinking about her father and her family. If she fought so hard for Dantes because her family hadn't fought hard for her for most of her life and when she needed them the most, only her mother stayed. Did Peter Hastings, Melissa and Jason think about Spencer? Did they even know she was out of prison? Would they care?

"So I'll get you his leash and collar." Paige walked over to the kitchen door. "Let you get his walk on." She pushed through the door.

"Did you eat yet?" Emily asked Spencer. "Or do you want something to drink? Juice or coffee?"

"Didn't eat yet." Spencer said gruffly, as she stood up. "Coffee's okay. I'll take-"

"Black, right?" Emily said as she got up. She pointed at the bowl of fruit on the kitchen island. "Help yourself to those, if you'd like."

Spencer simply nodded, not saying much else. Emily took down a mug and when over to the coffee maker. She poured some coffee and set the mug down on the kitchen island. She looked at the mug for moments before settling on one of the stools.

She wrapped her hands around the mug, and inhaled slowly. "You can sit."

At the invitation, Emily joined her. Spencer took a sip of her coffee, and she took the opportunity to study the woman again. That's what was bothering her. She was really seeing Spencer now, and not just what she had wanted to.

There was still the enjoyment of a cup of coffee on Spencer's face, as if the warmth was filling up her bones. Some things stayed the same. But she was noticing what she had ignored before. How tired and how much older Spencer looked. There were dark circles under her eyes and some crinkling at their corners. There were strands of grey hair mixed in with brown. Emily tried to remember to their first run in, if Spencer had been this worn down. Though she got the sinking feeling that these were much recent changes during the months she had been out of prison.

Something was stressing Spencer out and Emily knew she had only added to it with the kiss. Had she lost sleep over it?

"You remembered." Spencer said flatly, not looking up from the depths of her coffee mug.

"There's a lot about you I could never forget." Emily didn't take her eyes off Spencer. "But you also said that there were things I had to learn about you."

"You want to ask me something, ask." Spencer's tone was still flat, but she took a long sip of her coffee and Emily took that as an invitation. Could it be that easy to ask? She said she would wait until Spencer was ready. The woman was hinting that she was. She searched her for how she should proceed. She could see that Her silence was making Spencer agitated.

"Your arms..." Emily trailed off. She couldn't find the words. This wasn't easy to ask at all.

Spencer rolled her sleeves up a little bit, revealing the tattoos she had on the inner aspects of her wrists. There was a base of another tattoo peeking from under sleeve on her left forearm. There was still so much to discover. What could be seen and what was unseen.

"Lock and key. Go together like left and right." Emily looked at the padlock and skeleton key. They were beautiful, certainly nothing to hide away.

"I don't have to explain the symbolism to you, do I? You know where I've been the past 15 years. But that's not what you were curious about, right?"

Where Emily once would have backed down, she pressed on. She would fight for Spencer, if ever there was a danger to her, even if that meant going up against the woman herself. She spoke firmly, trying not to match Spencer's aggression. "If you had scars there? No. I just wanted to know why you keep touching your arms here." Emily softened and placed a gentle hand on the crook of Spencer's elbow.

Spencer didn't pull away, but her eyes closed tightly. "I can't talk about that yet. But I don't touch that stuff. Never again. I'm clean. I don't even drink that often." There was a desperation sneaking into her voice, a pleading.

"I believe you." Emily said, and she let her hand trail down Spencer's forearm and then over exposed skin. She let her hand cover Spencer's healing one. She ran her thumb along her wrist, tracing the inked key that was there.

Paige came back with the leash and harness, but also brought Teddy in her arms. The little girl had her head lolled on her mother's shoulder and an arm around her neck. "Sorry about that, Spencer. Tedgy had a bad dream."

Emily let go of Spencer's hand, to go to her daughter. If Paige had seen anything, she didn't show it. She took Teddy out of her wife's arms and into her own. She had tearstains on her face. "Oh, Baby Girl."

"It was so scary. And you weren't there. Couldn't find you." Teddy buried her head into her neck.

"I'm sorry. I was here in the kitchen." Emily held her closer, and kissed the top of her head.

"Nu uh. You was gone. There were lots of trees. I kept running and running. Then there was too much trees and I couldn't run no more. So I was trapped. Then there was a scary bear. She grr'ed in my face and had big, sharp teeth." Teddy was crying again, and pouting so hard that it was shredding up Emily's heart. She could feel the tears on her shirt.

"It's okay. I have you." Emily looked over at Paige. Her wife was frowning. She came over to rub Teddy's back too. Spencer was watching as well. The woman sat on the stool, hugging herself.

"Are you still mad at me, Mommy?" Teddy whimpered. "I'm sorry."

Emily winced. One of her pediatrics lecturers had taught them that in a child's nightmare, a monster or a scary animal represented a harsh or mean person in their life. She didn't have to guess who the bear was.

"No, Baby. I was just upset. And scared. So scared that I had lost you." Emily kissed the top of her head. "But we will always find you. Your mama and I. But please don't run off again."

Teddy had stopped crying but she was taking shuddering breaths. Dantes was wiggling around and wanted attention as well. He barked twice, the sound filling the kitchen. "And Dantes, too?"

"Yes. Dantes, too." Paige reassured the little girl.

"And Spencer?" Teddy asked, noticing the woman finally. "She got lost too."

Emily looked over at the woman. "Yes. We'll always find Spencer too."

Spencer gave them a small smile. And it was like she was finally waking up. Emily could see it in her eyes. That spark was back. Emily just had to keep it lit.

Because there were explosions you'd meet in life. That would hit you with such force that you felt everything at once. All your nerves firing at the same instance. But they lasted seconds not lifetimes. But that's how long you'd remember them for. And they'd leave you in the rubble with burns that you'd feel years later after you rebuilt yourself. Like Alison. Like Maya.

Then there were fireworks. They would bring color to the night sky, but they were nothing memorable. There were a few that stood out like on the 4th of July or New Year's Eve, but those happened every year, and they'd blur together. The rest were bottle rockets and Roman candles. A little fun, but over quickly. Like the one night stands the first one and a half of college.

There were stars. And Emily had been raised to always reach for them. That worked for goals and achievements when she was younger but that didn't apply to relationships. Ideals that would always be out of reach. If you kept trying to stretch out for them or wait for one to fall, then you'd never notice the light you had already.

Like candles. Very simple and always there for you. But overlooked until you needed them the most. They would burn steady and slowly, flickering like a heartbeat. Give you light in the darkness. Shadows would cast, but the candle flame was there, reassuring you. And the flame could go out, but a spark would bring them back. Like Paige.

She thought Spencer was an explosion that left an inferno, burning her from the inside out. She wanted fireworks and tried to set off too many with that kiss. But her Spencer, if not a candle, was beyond her fingertips. The moon. A heavenly body high in the night sky, out of reach for her since the sun set on them a long time ago. Leaving her with madness. Lunacy.

"Yeah. And your mama and your Mama Bear will always love and protect you." Paige reached out and tickled Teddy on her tummy. The little girl giggled and then she kissed Emily on the cheek. Then she stretched forward towards Paige to give her a kiss as well, her nightmare having been erased.

Emily looked over at Spencer. This must have made her feel awkward, watching their family moment. She had to remind Spencer she wasn't alone now. "And I'm sure Spencer will too. Since she kept you safe when your mama and I couldn't be there. Twice now. She should get a hug and a kiss too, don't you think?"

"Yes!" Teddy's eyes got incredibly round. She started wiggling out of Emily's arms, and went over to Spencer and Dantes. She petted Dantes quickly. Spencer had gotten off the stool. She looked at Paige and Emily hesitantly as she crouched down, silently asking permission. But Teddy launched herself into Spencer's arms.

"Thanks for saving me, Spencer." Teddy gave the woman a kiss on the cheek. Spencer returned the hug like it was her lifeline, keeping her grounded and stopping from being flung from a world spinning too madly onwards for her.

"No problem, kid." Spencer's mouth gave off a crooked smile, but it was in her eyes that spoke how happy she was. They were full of mirth and life. Also love.

Emily could bring Spencer back. Slowly. There was hope. She had opened up the tiniest bit with the promise to tell her more.

Paige clapped her hands together. "Well. I need to get ready for work. I'm going to hop into the shower. And since Tedge is up early we can grab breakfast somewhere. Sound good?"

"Yay!" Teddy cheered. "I'm going to get waffles. With Strawberries and strawberry syrups."

"Sure thing. Just get ready for school okay?" Paige ruffled her hair. She then went to Emily and kissed her on the cheek. "Make sure her uniform is proper? I got a call about her wearing mismatched socks. And change your shirt."

"I like my rainbow sockies!" Teddy pouted at her mother.

"I do too, but you can't wear them to school. Them's the rule. Which is good because they're too cool for school." Paige chuckled. "You can wear them on the weekends."

Paige left the three of them and Dantes in the kitchen with the leash and harness. "Well, Baby Girl. You heard your mama get dressed for school. If you need help, just call me."

Teddy looked at Emily and then Spencer. "Can you braid my hair again? It's really pretty. And my mama is busy so..."

"Spencer is going to take Dantes for a walk." Emily stated firmly.

"Aw. I want to go!" Teddy whined.

"Do you want to take Dantes for a walk or do you want to get waffles? You only have time for one. I still need to get you to school and drive your mother to work. So choose." Emily crossed her arms as she waited for her daughter to make a decision. "To make it easier for you, there will be other chances to walk Dantes this week. But I don't know when you can get waffles for breakfast."

"Uh... Waffles!" Teddy said quickly with a little grin.

"Well okay then. Off you go to get dressed."

Emily and Spencer watched the little girl go, Dantes chasing after her up to the swinging kitchen door. He didn't make it through and hit his head. He barked at the door, but ran away when it swung back again. Emily chuckled at him, but something else seemed to be on Spencer's mind.

"Look at you being a mom." Spencer grinned. "Strict but fair."

"Ugh. I know. I've become my mother. Never would have guessed. Paige is the fun parent and I get to be the mean one." Emily shook her head in amusement.

"Motherhood suits you though. I always thought you'd make a great mom." Spencer took a step forward. "How you handled Teddy's nightmare."

"Yeah. Which she wouldn't have had if I hadn't yelled at her last night. Like a scary bear apparently." Emily said wryly.

"You are scary when you yell." Spencer joked. "I don't think she'll run off again. And, and neither will I."

"You're done running?" Emily asked cautiously, even though she was excited on the inside.

Spencer nodded. Dantes pawed at her leg. "I guess I should take him."

They got the harness on him with some trouble. Spencer took the leash in her hand and Dantes ran around excitedly, as Emily grabbed some plastic bags to hand to her. They got to the door and Dantes looked at it as if it were going to hit him again. Emily held it open for both of them. Dantes trotted through, like he had defeated the door himself. Emily got the front door open for both of them.

"I'll see you when you get back." Emily told them goodbye, and watched them get to the elevator. Spencer waved at her before she got on.

This felt good. It felt right. She was getting her friend back. And Paige wasn't bothered by it. And Teddy loved Spencer. Her step was light as she walked to the bedroom to change her shirt. She had started humming when she reached the door. She was singing when she finally decided on a golden yellow shirt, like the sweater she had made Spencer.

"Still everybody says that if they had the chance they'd fly like we do." Emily sang, as she went into the bathroom to brush her teeth. A song she was surprised she still remembered from when it was sang to her one day in front of a Chagall painting.

"You're in a good mood." Paige was standing at her sink, her hair still a bit damp.

"Yes. Spencer is happy so I am happy." Emily beamed, as she put toothpaste on her toothbrush. "She forgave me last night for... what I did during Teddy's birthday. And she's starting to trust me again. Slowly of course. I still have to earn it."

"What did you do though?" Paige cocked her head curiously.

"Something I'm not proud of." Emily was vague. "I pushed her too hard." She shoved her toothbrush in her mouth quickly. So she could buy time if Paige asked more questions.

Paige was quiet still. Emily watched her wife's reflection in the mirror. She was looking at Emily so intensely that she thought she could read her thoughts, could see the ghost of the kiss on her lips. "I had told you not to do that."

Emily spat. Then she followed it up with, "You were right." She rinsed her mouth with water.

"Yes. I did the same for you. I waited patiently for you. I didn't push. And then you opened up about Maya's death and Spencer's trial and incarceration. Just like you did for me with my scars." Paige kissed Emily on the cheek and she went to get dressed.

Emily knew which scars Paige was talking about. The scars Paige had on her thighs and on her abdomen. She glanced at them as her wife rubbed lotion into her skin. They were faint and white. She hated what had caused Paige to hurt herself like that. That she had been alone with no one to help her. But they were healed and they meant that Paige didn't feel that pain anymore.

She had wondered if Spencer had similar scars on her body, put there by her own hand where she couldn't see. And she had wondered if she'd find old track marks. Spencer said she was clean. But she didn't know if that meant there was a time where she wasn't. She shuddered.

"Does... Spencer share things with you?" Emily asked Paige.

"Yes. But in confidence." Paige said without hesitation as she got her prosthetic on. "Nothing, nothing alarming. If that's what you mean. We haven't really touched on her past. She is opening up though. Not much about her years in prison. Last night at dinner was mostly working at Nina's shop. A funny story about a regular or two." She pulled on her suit slacks and already had a dark bra on. She took out a pale blue button up. "The car ride home we just sang along to the radio for a bit. She can rap."

"What? Seriously?" Emily asked in surprise.

"Surprised me too. It was a song her friends liked to sing." Paige got the shirt on. She paused before buttoning it up. "There was one thing though. When we were picking things up for Dantes."

"What happened?" Emily looked worried.

"I sent her ahead. I wanted to grab a rawhide bone for Dantes and when I got to the register, the guy was giving her a snarky comment about the dog food."

Emily felt rage bubbling up inside her. Spencer getting judged based on her appearance. Paige placed a calming hand on her shoulder. "Don't worry. I ripped that guy a new one and spoke to the manager about it."

"Good. I hope that ass got fired." Emily took a breath.

"Wasn't the first complaint against him." Paige finished buttoning up her shirt.

"Mommy!" Teddy knocked on the door before she came in. "Okay. You're here. I'm done with my clothes."

"Let me get your shirt tucked into your skirt." Emily went over to tuck the button up into the plaid skirt. Then looked her daughter over. The girl had pulled on white tights, which they could wear when it was colder. She had on black Mary Janes. "And let's fix your collar."

When Emily got the collar straightened out, Teddy bounced on her feet. "Mama! Can you braids my hair? Like Spencer did."

"Okay." Paige consented. She brushed her daughter's hair that everyone said was just like Emily's. Teddy liked Paige brushing her hair. It was something they did together, another holdover from with Teddy was younger. Emily smiled glad that Paige hadn't let anything take that away from her, learning to adapt. The prosthetic digits just as skillful as muscle and bone.

"I'm going to wait for Spencer and Dantes." Emily had a sudden thought. "You don't think she'll get lost again? She doesn't know the neighborhood."

"She knows the neighborhood, Em." Paige didn't look up from her task. "She got here this morning no problems. And she does deliveries in the area. Which reminds me that I invited her to go running with me sometime. She's very... fit. We talked about it in the car last night. Running and rowing. Biking too almost like someone told her to bring them up."

"I wanna ride bikes, Mama!" Teddy interrupted.

As her wife said they could go biking on the weekend, Emily pondered. Calling Spencer fit was an understatement. The other woman was cut and athletic, more than she had been in high school. Spencer's skinny frame had become lean and had added mass, muscle and a little fat where necessary. Her abs could give Paige a run for her money.

Paige continued. "She likes running to clear her head. But her neighborhood isn't the best place for it. I'd know she'd feel safer out here. It'll be good for her. Good for me too. Friendly competition."

It was obvious that Emily wasn't as active as she had been in high school and college. She probably couldn't keep up with Paige if she tried. Not that she could when she was at her peak fitness level. Her wife was the faster runner. She just shot for thirty minutes of cardio three times a week if she could fit it in on top of walking to and from the hospital. But she knew Paige missed having a running partner that could keep pace with her instead of running ahead of a panting Emily and coming back to her. And it would be good for Spencer. Less time for her to be alone in her apartment and her competitive drive still had to exist somewhere. More fuel to keep that spark a lit.

The doorbell rang. Paige had a knowing smirk. "See. Didn't get lost."

Teddy squirmed around in Paige's grasp, excitement at getting to the door taking hold of her. "Okay. I'm done. I'm done." She didn't get a chance to admire the braid work she gave Teddy before the little girl ran to the door. "You're welcome! Manners, Young Lady!" She shouted after the girl, cracking an amused smile.

Emily followed Teddy to the foyer. She found her daughter chatting with Spencer and Dantes. "Mommy worried you were going to get lost again. I think she wanted to go find you like she promised. But you know where home is!"

"Oh?" Spencer said.

"Yeah. Mommy worries a lot. But only 'cause she loves us." Teddy petted Dantes's head.

"Hey." Emily cut in. "How was the walk?"

"It was a success." Spencer murmured. "Dog friendly neighborhood. I'll get him cleaned up? For the car ride?"

Emily hated that Spencer asked permission to do things, a trained response from fifteen years of being told what to do. She just nodded at the woman, at a lost for words, and lead her to the kitchen. Spencer cleaned up the small dog, a thoughtful thing to do since Teddy was probably going to insist on Dantes sitting on her lap or next to her. Emily hadn't even thought of that.

Dantes made a keening noise, the same he had made when she had given him a bath last night. She had thought of it as a baptism, washing away the hardship and loneliness of being on the street. It was to show him he was wanted. Afterwards they had snuggled on the couch until Paige returned.

Teddy giggled at Dantes once he got free and Spencer was smiling at them both making Emily wonder briefly what that life would have been like. Where Spencer had been Teddy's other mother. If they had raised her and had mornings just like this one before they had to be anywhere. She hung her head and clenched her eyes shut. That game was dangerous. The rules were fair to no one and it was rigged so she would always lose. A gambler that was close to relapse. She licked her lips.

Paige came into the kitchen her hair up and wearing her suit jacket. She also had on her glasses, wearing them for protection more than vision. She was holding Teddy's coat and backpack. "Ready to roll out?"

Soon they were all in the car on the way to get breakfast at cafe they knew that allowed dogs and had huge outdoor heaters. Emily was at the wheel and Paige in the passenger seat. Like she had predicted, Teddy asked if Dantes could sit next to her. There was no problem with that. Spencer sat up straight in the backseat alongside with the two of them, hands in her lap. Teddy was giving her a commentary of all her favorite places in the neighborhood as they drove past.

Once they arrived, Spencer was apprehensive. She said she could wait with Dantes while they got a table inside. She finally let up when she saw another dog with their owner at a table, drinking coffee and with an empty plate in front of him in the glass-enclosed spot. It was early enough that there weren't too many patrons in the outside area.

The man stood up after putting some bills on the table. He and made his dog made his way over to where they were standing. He smiled, especially at Spencer and Dantes. "Hello again."

"Hi." Spencer blushed and ducked her head.

Emily was confused at how this man knew Spencer. How this attractive man with salt and pepper hair and blue eyes knew Spencer. He, by simply being male, wasn't her type but he was gorgeous. She had eyes after all and she was glaring at him.

"I was hoping to run into you again. But I didn't think it would happen so soon." The man had white teeth, straight and even. Emily thought he had way too many teeth in his head, not unlike a shark.

Spencer smiled shyly. "Yeah. Small world, I guess."

Teddy let go of Emily's hand and excitedly cooed at the man's dog. It was three different colors. White and brown, but lighter than Dantes. Like a reddish copper. "Sir, you have a very pretty dog. What kind is she?"

It was suddenly as if the man noticed that Spencer wasn't alone. He nodded at Emily and Paige before answering the little girl. "Well thank you. Her name is Addie. And she's an Australian Shepherd."

"Aww. Hi, Addie. Well my name is Teddy. This is my Mama. And this is my Mommy. And that's my Spencer. And he's Dantes." Teddy introduced each of them, always excited to meet new people.

"I met Spencer and Dantes earlier. When Addie and I went for our run." The man tapped his palm to his forehead. "And where are my manners? My name is Gavin. Just recently moved here."

"Paige. And this is my wife, Emily." Paige shook his hand, friendly just like their daughter. But Emily kept her guard up.

What kind of name was Gavin?

"Nice to meet you both. I've seen you running in the neighborhood, Paige. Never had the chance to introduce myself then." Gavin turned to Emily. His smile faltered a bit, but stayed plastered on his face. He nodded at Spencer. "Well alright. Hopefully we'll see each other again some time. Maybe one morning, we can grab coffee."

Spencer looked over at her and Paige for a moment. There was uncertainty on her face. She bit her lip. A decision made. "Uh, sure."

"Great. There's a shop. Cupcake-of-Coffee. You know the place?" Gavin was pleased with himself.

"I... I actually work there." Spencer admitted, a touch of shame slipping in. Emily wanted to take the woman in her arms and give her all the reassurances.

"Well, I guess you'll have no trouble finding it." Gavin joked lightly, which earned up a small smile from Spencer, and even more glaring from Emily. "And you can expect me to be a regular there too. Right I'll let you guys get to your breakfast."

"Welcome to the neighborhood, Gavin." Paige put her hand on Emily's back.

"Thanks, Paige. Enjoy the rest of your day, ladies."

"Bye, Mr. Gavin. Bye, Addie!" Teddy waved at him.

"Bye, Miss Teddy." Gavin and his dog left the cafe, but Emily still felt annoyed with him. He threw her whole day off.

"Wow, Spence." Paige playfully bumped her shoulder against Spencer's as they went to a free table. "He was gorgeous. And very into you."

Emily rolled her eyes. Paige caught her and raised her eyebrow. But Spencer didn't notice their exchange as she sat down distractedly. Teddy claimed the seat on the woman's right.

"I don't know." Spencer said hesitantly. "I'm not ready to date yet. And how about when he finds out about..." Her voice fell to a whisper, as she looked down at her hands in her lap. Her shoulder slumped in defeat. "My past."

Paige took the seat across from them, leaving Emily to sit on Spencer's left. "It's okay Spencer. You don't have to do anything you don't want to." Emily said. Speaking to the top of the woman's head was something she was growing used to, but the way Spencer spoke, loading each of her sentences with self-loathing, broke her heart.

"I- I want to." Spencer glanced up. Her eyes lingered on Emily. "It's nice. Just to feel... wanted. But..."

"Its just coffee." Emily had to swallow her jealousy. "And when you are ready to date, that person will be lucky to have you."

"Em's right. I hope you know that Spencer." Paige was so sincere. "There's someone out there for you. Full of patience and understanding. That will love all of you. Like we already do."

"I know." Spencer's eyes lingered on Emily. If looks could ignite, she would have been consumed by flames. She was slowly being burned from the inside out, ever since she had met Spencer. She was glad a waitress came over to take their orders.

Once they got their food ordered, Teddy started talking about Addie the Australian Shepherd.

"I hope Addie and Dantes can be friends! She's really pretty." Teddy gushed. "Addie was so fluffy. Mama, did you see!"

"I did see, Tedgy. And please don't shout. We're all sitting right here, okay?" Paige said gently. Teddy clapped her hands over her mouth. "But yes. She had a very beautiful coat. A red tricolor. You know, Australian Shepherds remind me of you, Em."

Emily looked up at her wife, expecting her to continue. "Hear me out. Gorgeous coats. They're very maternal dogs. They like to keep everyone together. Very intelligent and loyal. Devoted to their family. Sometimes cautious and reserved, but very friendly and outgoing. Great with children and protective of them. Good natured."

"Aren't shepherd dogs really active dogs though?" Emily laughed.

"Hey. You're pretty active. A mother and a pediatric surgeon? Don't tell me that doesn't take up a lot of energy." Spencer added, surprisingly talkative. "You keep up with, Teddy. She's pure energy in the form of a little girl."

Paige and Spencer agreeing on something. And that something being her. Emily smiled, and Teddy giggled. "Like a really big pizza party?"

"Possibly." The corners of Spencer's lips quirked up.

"I was doing this exact thing this morning. With the two of you." Emily confessed. She thought about the comparisons she had made for them, how the two women lit up her world. But she didn't say that out loud.

"A pitbull and a Rottweiler." Paige and Spencer shared a confused look, which made her smirk. "Now you guys hear me out." She listed her reasons, editing them a bit for Spencer's sake.

"That makes sense." Spencer said slowly. She had a thoughtful look on her face.

Paige was laughing though. "I am pretty hilarious. Right, Dantes?" The small dog barked.

The waitress came back with their food. Teddy had followed through and ordered strawberry waffles. Spencer ordered the same. "Great choice, Kid."

"Yeah. I might have to steal a bite." Paige winked.

"Mama! No! We can share." Teddy stated, bouncing in her seat. "Wanna have some too, Mommy?"

"No, Baby Girl. I'm fine with my omelet." Emily took a sip of her coffee. She had decided on an egg white garden omelet, topped with slices of avocados. But she was probably going to steal a piece of bacon from Paige's plate. They started eating and continued talking.

"I think you're all wrong though." Teddy ate a strawberry. "Even though those doggies are nice."

"Okay then, Tedgy. What do you think animals do we remind you of?" Paige smirked as she sat back. Their daughter was pretty entertaining when she let her imagination get wild.

Teddy looked at the three adults in turn. "A lion, a tiger, and a bear."

"Oh my." Spencer and Paige both said at the same time. They were both quiet and then burst out into laughter.

"You two are dorks." Emily shook her head at the pair. Teddy looked confused. She didn't get the reference. So she explained that she had unknowingly said something like in _The Wizard of Oz _the Judy Garland version.

"Like in Wicked?" Teddy asked. "Elphie was my favorite."

Spencer looked confused now. "You guys took her to see Wicked?"

"No. After the successful adaptation of _Les Miserables, _there were a lot of musicals adapted for the big screen. _Miss Saigon, Next To Normal, Spring Awakening, Here Lies Love." _Paige looked excited. "I kinda love musicals. Especially that last one. Imelda Marcos was a trip."

Spencer was processing the information. "So they made a movie based on a musical based on a book based on a movie based on a play based on a book by L. F. Baum?"

"Pretty much." Emily rubbed her temple. "There was also a television show just based on the books by Maguire."

"I read those and the originals." Spencer nodded. "And we watched Les Miz one movie night. Anne Hathaway singing I Dreamed A Dream." She paused, her eyes getting misty.

Paige frowned. They both knew that movie could hit a little close to home for Spencer. "Teddy, you were saying about us as animals? I guess I'm the bear."

"Oh yeah! Because you're my mama bear like Mama said but also 'cause you're so cuddly and give the best hugs. I loves snuggling with you because you're really soft." Teddy beamed.

"Spot on I think." Paige teased Emily, pinching her side. "Which one of us is the lion and the tiger?" She had an amused twinkle in her eye.

"Mama, you're a tiger. Don't you know? You gots the colors. Black and orange. They're the biggest cats. They are very strong. And playful. My teacher said they like swimming." Teddy was leaning forward as far as she could across the table. Paige was matching her as well, leaning towards their daughter. "And they gots pretty stripeys. Like you." Teddy's little hand reached out and touched her mother's face, the right side that was scarred.

Emily reached for Paige's hand. Her wife was smiling but tearing up. Teddy looked alarmed. "I'm sorry. I don't want you to be sad."

"I'm not sad, Tedge. You just make me so happy and proud of you."

Spencer was smiling softly as well. But Emily could see this sense of longing in her eyes, directed at Teddy, not unlike regret. "That's very beautiful, Cub."

Teddy beamed at the compliment. "And Spencer is a lion because they're strong too and they hunt and care for their babies, even when she's not their mommy lion. And so brave. They're very... dignifried. Like a queen. Even when they are sad on the inside."

"You mean dignified, Baby Girl. And I think it fits Spencer well." Emily was so proud of her daughter. Children could say things that were so meaningful and innocent, but they would end up being wise words. It was one of the reasons why she enjoyed being a pediatric surgeon. Why she enjoyed being a mother.

She looked over at Spencer. While Paige had teared up, Spencer had tears freely falling from her eyes. She stood up from her chair. "I'm sorry."

Spencer walked to where the bathroom was. Emily was shocked at first until Teddy got distraught at having made the woman cry. Dantes barked twice but his leash kept him from following after his owner. Paige started to console their daughter.

"You should go after her." Paige said, only full of concern.

Emily followed Spencer to the restroom. She found the woman leaning against the sink, staring intensely at her reflection in the mirror. She never saw Spencer give anyone such a harsh look full of contempt and loathing as the one she was giving herself.

"Spencer?"

The woman didn't react. Emily stepped closer. She thought about putting her hand on Spencer's shoulder, but she was worried about startling her. She called her name again. "Spencer. Come back to me."

Spencer finally moved. She turned towards Emily. She was still again, muscles tensed and poised to attack. It scared her. Not that she was afraid that Spencer could harm her. But the fear came from the fact that the woman had so much anger directed inwardly. That was the danger.

Then Spencer was on her. Her arms wrapped around her neck. Her face pressed into her chest. "I'm not those things. Not anymore." She whimpered.

Emily embraced Spencer, one hand at the small of her back and the other in her hair, something remembered as having a calming effect when they were both younger and their positions had been reversed. When it had beenSpencer holding her, and keeping her grounded when everything had been too much. Emily ran her fingers through Spencer's hair then, and she did so now.

"I have you." She rubbed circles on Spencer's back and she could feel the woman start to relax into her. They stayed quiet, in each other's arms. She hoped Spencer could draw comfort from her and gain some of what it was she needed. She kissed the top of Spencer's head. A sigh of contentment escaped the other woman's lips as she nuzzled against Emily.

"I'm sorry." She murmured.

"Don't be." Emily replied.

Spencer lifted her head from Emily's chest. "We should probably get back."

"Probably." Neither of them moved to let go.

"Teddy was right. You do give the best hugs."

Spencer made the move that would break them apart. The mention of her daughter got her to release her hold on the lithe brunette. Her daughter and wife were still at the table.

"Yeah." Emily replied, missing the contact. "Anytime you need one."

After letting Spencer have time to put herself back together as much as possible, the two of them returned to the table. Teddy latched herself onto Spencer's waist, shuddering breaths still ranking her body. "I hope you feel better. I didn't mean to make you cry."

"It's okay, Cub. Someone told me I was their lioness once and I just miss them a lot." Spencer picked the little girl up and sat down in her chair. "But you're here now to make me feel better."

When everything was back to what passed for normal for them, they settled the bill and got Teddy to school on time. They drove to Paige's firm, music turned down low. Spencer was quiet in the back seat, watching the buildings go by or deep in thought.

A sound cut through. A phone going off. Neither hers or Paige's. An unfamiliar and outdated ringtone. She flicked her eyes to the rearview mirror just in time to catch the complete look of fear on Spencer's face.


	18. Chapter 18

Okay. So another chapter. I'm into patterns because here is a chapter from Paige's POV when the last one was Chapter 9. So you will probably have more questions than answers. I'll answer them if you ask in the reviews, and I'll PM you back if you're signed in.

Flashbacks are in Italtics.

I don't own Pretty Little Liars

* * *

A mug of coffee being set down in front of her didn't get Spencer to look up at Paige. No reaction. Not even a mumbled thank you or a nod. Paige sighed. Based on the worried look on Emily's face, she was guessing that the other woman had been like this the rest of the morning.

She hadn't been able to get out of her morning meetings and appointments, but now she was meeting Emily and Spencer for lunch in her office. It was safe as any place. At least since her attack. The senior partners, that was Paula Katzung and Felix Haines since Roger Jawetz had passed away, believed that Paige had been the target of a vengeful client, and had gone above and beyond to keep their employees safe. Long before Paige had started working at the firm, there were sweeps for bugs to cut down on corporate espionage and to protect clients' and their business transactions. Paige knew there was no one listening in.

There was still an on-going investigation both by the authorities and Paige. Emily and Paige knew who sent the letter bomb. The shadowy figure that was A. There was no doubt to that. She had let up on her digging for the past years, to give Emily peace of mind and partly out of fear. Fear for her family and for herself.

But the hunt was back on now that Spencer was back in the picture. At least that's what she had thought.

She thought that Spencer Hastings fresh out of prison would be thirsting for justice and to clear her name. She thought that she would have a partner determined to find out who had wronged them.

That wasn't what happened though. Spencer hadn't hit the streets and kicked down doors. She was mild now, and tamed. The lioness accepting her cage. It had thrown Paige. There had been moments though where Spencer would look at her, a snarl in her eye and head held high.

When Paige had first invited her to lunch, Spencer resisted. When Paige dropped by to try and see if things between her and Emily could be mended, Spencer had yelled. But then Spencer had stopped fighting her and started letting her in. When Paige had told her to relax on the couch with a beer since she was a guest in their house, Spencer joked that she would do just that, after she helped with the dishes. When Paige went to pay for some of the items Dantes needed, Spencer told her to put her wallet away, if not a little shaken up at Paige yelling at the cashier for insulting her. That morning when they had met before the sun came up.

But all that progress seemed to be erased with this A text. It was apparently the latest in a series, Paige knew that much, but what she wanted to know was how long Spencer had been getting the texts from A. She glanced over at Emily who was on the phone with Aria before taking a seat on the edge of her desk directly in front of the brunette. "Talk to me, Spence. How long?"

Spencer was still quiet, so Paige continued. "I thought we had a partnership of sorts. I wish you told me A was back. This isn't just your problem alone."

"Well, Paige, the texts started up once I gave you my number." Spencer looked up, an accusing scowl on her face, but only sadness in her eyes.

"Don't do that. Don't push us away.' Paige said firmly. Spencer ducked her head again. "Doesn't this lone wolf bullshit get tired? I thought... you were starting to trust me."

"They weren't... anything. They were just for me. Taunts. Trying to break me." Spencer's voice cracked on the last part and Paige felt that the texts had done exactly what they had aimed to.

"Do you still have them?"

"Ye-yes," Spencer stuttered. She took her phone out and surrendered it to Paige.

It was an old phone, maybe six years old but in technology time it was ancient. It was thick and heavy in her hand. "Can I read them?"

Spencer nodded. But Emily joined the two of them. "Aria said she hasn't received any messages from A. Maybe we should all move to Europe."

"So just Spencer then?" Paige asked aloud. She looked at Emily. Her wife said she hadn't gotten any messages from A, not since the night she had been attacked.

"Hanna got cupcakes."

She and Emily looked at Spencer in confusion. She continued, "Hanna got cupcakes from A. She thought I sent them." She rubbed the crook of her elbow. If Hanna had yelled at her at Teddy's birthday, then she must have tore into Spencer after those cupcakes.

Paige wished things were better between the two former friends. She had always been jealous of the friendship between the four girls. They all had a bond that that seemingly couldn't be broken. Except it had the moment Spencer confessed.

Paige thought Hanna was the most loyal of the four. She hadn't given up on Mona, and the two still kept in touch. But Spencer shutting them all out and not trusting them was what got her Hanna's hostility. Hanna could forgive betrayals, but continue to hurt her friends and she'd cut you out of her life like a tumor.

She was glad that Emily had someone looking out for her like Hanna did, but she wished that Spencer knew that she had more people fighting for her.

Paige looked down at the phone in her hands. Emily was watching, her brows furrowed, apprehension pouring off of her in waves. She opened the messages folder. The A texts were the only ones left in there. There were only about five in total.

"_After the pride, comes the fall."_

_"You have quite the body count to your name. And it's only going to climb higher."_

_"How are you sleeping these nights? Sweet dreams. Because they're all you're ever going to have."_

_"__Nice job getting Dorothy and Toto lost. If you only had a heart."_

_"Part of the family now. But for how long once they find out where your claws have been."_

Paige read the last most recent one out loud. _Claws. _She felt the bile rise in her throat_. _Emily's eyes widened. A had overheard their breakfast conversation. A had known that Spencer and Teddy had gone missing briefly. A was threatening anyone that got close to Spencer.

"That's why I didn't tell you. I didn't want you to worry." Spencer was anguished. She jumped out of the chair.

"You shouldn't have kept this from us." Paige said, unable to keep her voice from rising. She tried to steady her breathing. Of course A was still out there. She knew that. It's why she had taken all the precautions. It was only a matter of time before A returned. And she was afraid of what it meant for Emily. What it meant for all of them.

Spencer flinched and backed away from both of them. Emily went to her and hugged her. Paige took off her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling some of the scar tissue there. "Look, Spencer. I'm sorry. I will always worry. I can't help it."

_Paige threw open the door to the _climate controlled _storage unit and went inside. "Thanks for meeting me here."_

_Spencer just nodded quietly. She was standing at the entrance with her hands in her pockets but her eyes were darting around. Paige hit the lights. _

_There was her motorcycle with a drop cloth over it_,the first thing seen upon entering. _She couldn't resist going over to it. She pulled the cover off. "A Triumph Bonneville. I know, I know_. Predictable_. But fuck it. It's a classic. Good enough for McQueen then it's good enough for McCullers."_

_Spencer eyed it. "That's a 865cc parallel twin engine right? Electric fuel injection and manual transmission." She started smirking. "I know my way around engines. Worked in the prison garage for a bit. Before I settled into the tutoring program."_

_"I'm impressed." Paige grinned, and Spencer beamed at the complement. "Mechanic, Mandarin, and MC. Is there anything you can't do?" She decided to use Spencer's question to her from last night. _

_"Leave the state." Spencer said dryly, before the corner of her lip perked up. That got Paige roaring with laughter, and Spencer gave a few chuckles. They both had a dark sense of humor that would make other people uncomfortable but for them it was a way to fend off the demons._

_"Damn, Hastings." Paige inhaled, trying to catch her breath. She put the cover back over the motorcycle._

_"Maybe you could give me a ride?" Spencer asked. But then her eyes widened. "I mean..."_

_Paige passed on the opportunity to tease Spencer, but she did chuckle. "I'd love to. Emily trusts me behind the wheel of a car, but she's probably only ever rode with me about four times. She's afraid of the thing. Even before I lost the eye. And it doesn't help that Teddy wants to go riding with me." _

_They had talked about the way Paige had adapted to having one eye. The car had extra mirrors, including a fish eye. Same with her bicycle and her motorcycle. When she was riding either she'd wear goggles to protect her eye. She'd wear them under her full-face motorcycle helmet. Sure she was crazy enough to ride motorcycles but even she wasn't going to fuck up her remaining eye._

_"A sexy as your motorcycle is, I'm guessing it's not why we're here." Spencer looked around again. Paige watched as her eyes fell on a couple of footlocker_ _trunks. "Well, yeah." Paige rubbed the back of her head. She didn't know how to proceed with the next part. She had tried to think of a way to bring it up for months, glad when Spencer had asked for a month to herself. But she hadn't come up with anything in all that time._

_She went to the first foot_locker_. She unlocked it. "These are yours."_

_Inside w_ere_ some of Spencer's things. Old test papers, ribbons, awards, and trophies. There were _al_s_o s_ome clothes. Spencer kneeled down beside her. She pulled out a ribbon for a science fair. She was speechless. "Your mom didn't want to get rid of anything. She took most of your things with her when she left Peter. And Emily and I ended up with them when she passed."_

_"Did my entire life fit into two trunks?" Spencer finally spoke._

_"No. This isn't all of it. Emily wanted to keep some of your things back at the house. Some books and some clothes. Your field hockey jersey is definitely over there. We moved these here to free up a room for Teddy. You owned a lot of clothes, Hastings. Did you really need that many blazers?"_

_"Didn't wear the same outfit twice." Spencer said wryly. _

_"I'm sure you can still fit into a lot of these." Paige brought up. Spencer was the same height. She had gained weight, but it all looked to be in the form of muscle. "They might be tight in the arms. But who needs sleeves."_

_Spencer gave a small smile. Paige continued. "We can come back later and sort through them. We'll be coming back because you're going to want to look at these." She got up and went over to a large filing cabinet. Spencer returned the ribbon to the foot _locker _and shut it close._

_"Veronica left these to me." Paige unlocked the file cabinet. She pulled a drawer open. "While you were gone, your mom did her own investigating. Trying to clear your name. She wrote down everything. Even what happened when she visited you." _

_Spencer was shaking_ and _her lips narrow_ed _to a thin a line. Spencer took a swing at her face, which Paige blocked, but when there was another punch coming towards her she tried to flex her stomach muscles. It didn't help much when Spencer's fist slammed into her gut though. The strength behind it almost had her on her knees, but she stayed standing_, _if doubled over and trying to catch her breath._

_Then Spencer's eyes seemed to clear. "Oh God." She looked torn between making sure Paige was going to be okay and running away, least she continue to be a danger to anyone else. _It _was as_ if _guilt and uncertainty had claimed her, shackling her to the floor._

_Paige gasped. "S'okay. Deserved that." She gritted out through her teeth. She was surprised at the power behind the punch. And surprised that Spencer Hastings had thrown fists instead of just slapping her. _

_Her breath was returning to her slowly. It was understandable. If someone kept something from her like this, she would have reacted badly as well. Though she tended to throw things other than punches when her anger got the be_s_t of her. _

_She hated those moments. When her frustrations surged out and transformed into negative energy. The last time was when Emily said she had dreams about the woman currently quaking in front of her. Some of the silence that had fallen between them had to do with anger at herself as well. She didn't like when she could not be in control of her emotions. _

_"Everybody gets one." Paige straighten out, glad that she had flexed. "Just didn't want you to hit me in the face. Can't really afford to lose my good looks." Or have a bruise show up where Emily could see _them. _She chuckled a bit to show Spencer she really didn't wish any bad blood after the punch._

_But that was the wrong action. Her muscles were sore. She winced. Nothing she wasn't used to from playing contact sports and her escrima practices. _

_"I'm sorry. I didn't even think of that. Emily would have saw... I wasn't thinking." Spencer stammered. She looked down._

_"Hey. You did me worse on the field. Even when those were just friendly practices." Paige attempted a joke, a distraction. "But damn, Hastings. I could have gone the way of Houdini."_

_"That's actually an urban legend. Houdini did die from appendicitis, but those punches didn't rupture his appendix. He probably just attributed the abdominal pain he felt to being punched by the college student, so he most likely delayed treatment." Spencer said with flourish, her head held high._

_Paige grinned. She knew Spencer would rise to the chance to correct her. That was one habit that was hard to break. "Thanks for the lecture, Professor."_

_Spencer slumped her shoulders. "Please don't call me that."_

_"I was just teasing. I didn't mean anything by it." Paige apologized. Spencer, while entirely different from the girl she did childish battle with, was still intelligent. That would never change._

_"I know. It's just that..." Spencer frowned. "That was my bunkie's nickname. And I don't think I've done anything to earn the right to be called that like she did."_

_"She taught you Mandarin right?" _

_Spencer nodded. "Among other things. I was just a stupid kid back then."_

_"What did your students call you?" Paige asked. Spencer had brought it up earlier. Veronica had written that one of the few times Spencer talked with any passion, let alone share something with her during visits was when someone she had tutored got their GED. Veronica had suggested she pursue a Master's in Education. Spencer had looked thoughtful at that and Veronica took that as a sign she was getting through to her daughter._

_"Teach. They called me Teach." A small smile graced Spencer's lips, as if she was remembering the women she taught. "I enjoyed teaching. I actually got my Master's. Paid for it myself. Not that it does me any good. Who would hire me?"_

_"Did you even try? I'm sure you could get hired at a junior college or something." Paige tried. She could tell that Spencer really enjoyed teaching. There was that hunger for knowledge Spencer always had, and the chance to share something like that was what the woman wanted to do. It was like planting a seed where people said nothing would ever grow, and then showing them all the tree that they said was impossible._

_"Did you forget what I went to prison for?" Spencer yelled. "Murder, Paige! That's not something that gets rewarded."_

_Paige watched Spencer. It was an odd thing to have an outburst on. The woman had all the right in the world to get upset. But insisting on something that wasn't true. She of all people couldn't force Spencer to admit the truth before she was ready. _

_She put her hand on Spencer's shoulder, to calm her and to get her attention. "Hey. Couldn't hurt to try. I could call in favors." Paige didn't want to be infected by Spencer's dejection. There was always a silver lining, even though she knew that Spencer was more than likely right._

_"What did you teach?"_

_"Tutoring in most of the subjects for the GED test while I was working other jobs. The kitchen and then in the garage. Then I got the job teaching actual classes later on. Math and history. That's what I focused my Bachelor's on." Spencer spoke slowly. She was relaxed again._

_"Hmm. Well, Teddy can't buckle down when she has math problems to do. You're more than welcomed to try to get her more focused." Paige suggested. She knew for a fact that more often then not her daughter would already have the simple math and writing worksheets her teacher assigned done on the days Karolina had brought her into Nina's shop._

_Spencer smiled at her. "I'll keep doing that then. She's really quick. Just can't sit still sometimes. I was like that when something didn't hold my interest. When I found something boring." _

_"We appreciate it." Paige nodded at the drawer full of composition notebooks. "Take a look."_

_"I want to start from the beginning." Spencer didn't ask. She was informing Paige._

_"Right. A very good place to start." Paige took a second key out of her running jacket. "But we should get back. Before Emily wakes up." _

_"Can we come back later?"_

_"Sure." Paige said and handed her the spare key. She needed to get back to her investigation, to get back to what she was looking into when she had been attacked. The fact that she had been attacked had to mean she was getting close. She stopped because something worse could have happened to Emily. But now that she had Spencer, there was someone else to keep her family safe._

_Spencer pocketed the key, as Paige closed the filing cabinet. She made sure it was locked tight. They made their way out and she locked the storage unit up as well. They went to Paige's car._

_"I'm guessing Emily doesn't know about the journals." Spencer had her hand on the passenger door's handle. _

_Paige looked at her over the roof of the car. "No." She wanted something substantial to bring to her wife. She didn't want her to get her hopes up at getting Spencer freed._

_"I'm glad. She would have lost herself in them trying to save me." Spencer pulled the door open and got in._

_Paige had no doubts about that. This was one of the times that she knew Spencer was right._

"We keep things from the people we care about. To protect them." Spencer said as she looked at Emily. Paige thought she was calling her out about the journals. But maybe she was talking about herself and not just about the string of A texts.

"Spencer." Emily's brow furrowed. "Don't do this alone. You have me now. Let me help you."

"Like you helped Paige?" Spencer challenged.

"Excuse me?" Emily fired back at the accusation. Spencer was trying to get Emily angry with her. Paige knew that her wife had blamed A attacking her on herself. Apparently Spencer figured that out.

"Spencer." Paige warned. She had a hand in losing her own. Her wife was blameless. Emily didn't know about the journals. She just thought it was A reminding them that they were still out there. Hanna and Aria got their own reminders as well.

They found out Caleb's breaks were cut before anything bad could happen to him. But it was too late for Ezra.

"It's not safe." Spencer stated.

"You always did this. Tried to fight my battles for me. I can slay my own dragons. I'm not some helpless princess in a tower." Emily was angry. "I protect the people that I love. I protect me and mine. I'm not going to lose any more people."

Emily looked at both of them. "And if either of you think I'm just going to stand idly by, you're wrong."

Paige and Spencer kept quiet. "I'm going to the hospital. I have patients to attend to."

"Do you need me to take you?" Paige offered. Emily was angry with both of them now apparently, but she still always would take care of her.

"I'll take a cab." Emily said a bit less harshly. "I'll see you at home."

Emily left her office without looking back at Spencer. Once Emily was gone, Spencer took a deep breath and sat down. Her shoulders slumped and her hands were shaking. At that moment, she looked so small as if the secrets in her life had grown too large for her to control.

"I guess that went the way you wanted. She's mad at you. And by extension me." Paige crossed her arms. "Why do you do that? Push her away."

"The same reason you didn't tell her about the journals." Spencer looked back at her. There was a fire in her eyes. "She'll be mad at me, but she'll be safe."

"I didn't antagonize her." Paige challenged. "I will tell Emily about the journals. If there's anything to tell. When are you going to come clean?"

Spencer flinched. She swallowed the hitch in her throat. But she didn't crumble under Paige's gaze She smirked wryly. It was the look of someone that had nothing left to lose except the hope of ending things one way or another. It made Paige shudder.

It was the look of a lioness that was ready to break from her cage and ready for the taste of blood.

"Which lie do you want me to start with?"

* * *

Paige put another coffee down in front of Spencer, this time in the form of a take away cup. While Spencer didn't look up at her, not wanting to tear her eyes away from the journal she was reading, she gave a murmured thanks. Paige took a seat on one of the footlockers, and watched the other woman work. She put down the bag of donuts she had bought.

Spencer was sitting on the floor, sitting cross-legged and her back hunched over. There was a stack of journals within reach on top of the other footlocker. It looked like she was halfway through the top drawer. The journals she had finished reading where easy to identify due to the colored flags sticking from them. Spencer had her own notebook in her lap, a page filled with her own flowing script.

"Please tell me you weren't here all night?" Paige put her hands on her hips.

"Okay. I won't."

"Dammit, Spencer. Did you at least eat? Or sleep?"

She nodded. Paige saw that Spencer had used her jacket as a sleeping pad. There were two energy bar wrappers balled up next to an almost empty bottle of water. "That hardly counts."

"I've done worse with more." Spencer grunted. "This storage unit is bigger than my cell. I can sleep anywhere."

Paige sighed. "You won't find anything in those earlier ones but dead ends. I told you the important parts."

"It's not that I don't trust your work. I do. It's just..." Spencer leaned back against the footlocker, inches away from Paige's leg. Her head bowed with her hair falling into her face.

"You miss your mom." Paige spoke softly.

"Yeah." Spencer cracked as she looked up with watery eyes.

"I understand." Paige placed a hand on her shoulder.

"You actually do don't you?" Spencer said. She hugged her knees to her chest and rested her chin on top of them. "I'm sorry about your dad."

"It was sudden. But I did get a chance to say goodbye to him." Paige said. Her father had a heart attack. The team in the emergency department revived him. He was dead within the year from a second one. Her father had made his last year on earth count. He left no doubts about how much he was proud of her. He had fully accepted Emily as a daughter and Teddy as his granddaughter. It didn't make the pain of losing him hurt any less. It meant it was a healed wound in her heart that healed and she'd feel him from time to time, when she took Teddy bike riding or did laps in the pool.

For Spencer the wound of losing Veronica was still gaping open, hemorrhaging parts of her soul. "You didn't get to."

"The last time I saw her. Was in the visitor's room at a Muncy. Her last image of me was in my prisoner's uniform." Spencer shivered. "I can't help but feel that she died disappointed in me."

"No. No, she didn't." Paige said firmly.

She and Emily had gotten close to Veronica because of Spencer. Emily would go to Veronica for updates on Spencer. And Veronica would go to Paige to see how Emily was holding up. Veronica Hastings had been one of her influences for cementing her decision to do pre-law. While the woman was older and more experienced, making the perfect mentor for Paige, she made a close friend as well. It was why Veronica had entrusted the journals to her and why she had told Paige that she felt that she had let Spencer down by not being able to prove to the world what she knew down in the depths of her heart. That Spencer was innocent.

"She loved you. Don't ever doubt that." Paige lowered herself down to the floor to sit next to Spencer. She took the woman's hand in hers. They were quiet. A comforting silence enveloping them.

"Whatever you've done in the past, I don't care. We don't care." Paige looked over at Spencer. "You're family." She squeezed her hand in her left. "So fuck A."

"That's the plan right? Bitch is going down." Spencer deadpanned, and then grinned.

Paige chuckled but had to wince. "Still sore from yesterday. You left quite the pretty little bruise." She lifted up the hem of her Underarmour to show off a purple bruise. "But how's your hand? I hope it didn't break when you punched these abs."

"Seriously? You're a dork." Spencer laughed. "And the only way I'd break my hand by punching you is if I took a shot at your hard head."

"What? Come on then. Let's see what you've got." Paige cocked an eyebrow. "I showed you mine. Now show me yours."

Spencer rolled her eyes but obliged to her request. She lifted up her shirt and displayed abs that were much more defined than Paige's.

"Damn, Bruiser. So you win this round. Let's take it to the streets. I know I can still run faster than you." Paige went back to looking at Spencer's bare skin. She made out a tattoo on her ribs. A feather with words along its length. She had to cock her head to the side to read it. "A loneliness I cannot bear."

"McCullers?" Paige asked. Spencer looked at her in confusion as to why she had blurted out her own last name. "Your tattoo there. Carson McCullers. The Heart is A Lonely Hunter, right? Always identified with Mick Kelly myself."

"Yeah." Spencer pulled her shirt down. "Never thought I was the type to get inked. But after the first... it's very addictive."

"How many do you have, if I can ask?"

"A lot." Spencer smirked.

"Another question." At Spencer's nod, Paige asked. "Which one is your favorite?"

"I like them all. But I am proud of my back piece. Which is..." Spencer gave a sharp short disbelieving laugh, "A lioness."

"Really? I'm sure Teddy would be pleased to know she was so right about you that you got a lioness tattooed on your back." Paige grinned.

Spencer looked like she was at war with herself, as if she was struggling to say something. The side that won was the one that wanted to open up.

"I lied yesterday. I mean do miss the person that said I was their lioness. So much that it hurts." Spencer slouched down. "But I missed who I was. Those things Teddy said about me. I used to be those things. Fierce. Strong. Respected. Even if it was in prison, I felt like I was someone. Out here, I'm no one. It's loud and bright and I'm scared all the time. Not just of A. But that people are going to realize what I was and put me back in that cage."

Spencer took a sharp breath. "And I don't want to go back. Because even if I'm the fiercest and strongest in there. Even if I'm on top of the food chain, it's still a cage."

"Okay." This was the most Paige had heard Spencer speak about prison, if at all. They had only met maybe less than five times before for these meetings and they had mostly been Paige trying to get the woman to open up to her. But she had been met with stubborn silence. "You won't go back."

"I mean it, Paige. I can't go back. I'd rather die before I..." Spencer stopped.

"I promise you. You won't go back there. I won't let that happen." Veronica had made Paige promise that she would take care of Spencer when she died. She had talked to her and Emily separately in her final days before talking to them separately. She didn't know all of what the two had spoken about. Emily had said that Veronica had asked her to be patient with Spencer. But there had to be more to it because her wife had been distant the rest of the week.

Paige looked at her watch. It was still "freakishly early" as Emily used to say when she had tried to go on morning runs with her. "You should try to get some sleep. I'll wake you up after an hour thirty."

Spencer looked like she was about to protest, but instead yawned. She crossed her arms over her chest and Paige moved closer to the woman. Spencer closed her eyes. Paige heard the change in Spencer's breathing after a couple of minutes. She had fallen asleep. Spencer said she could sleep anywhere, but it couldn't be comfortable for her. The woman slipped a bit into her side. Paige sighed and put her arm along the edge of the footlocker behind Spencer's shoulders so at least one of them wouldn't be stiff later.

Paige wondered how this happened. Why it was her Spencer clung to instead of her wife? They had both gone through things and understood how the world worked. And Emily wouldn't get that. They both hoped she would never have to know the dark corners of the world.

Still Emily wanted to help Spencer, but the woman continued to push her away. The two of them would ebb and flow. One would always chase the other, both of them going in circles. It made Paige dizzy. To be fair it was a complicated friendship, even without the presence of A screwing them over.

Her wife had feelings for the woman sleeping against her. Complicated didn't even begin to describe that.

She didn't want to think about that. She didn't want to think about her own selfish reasons for wanting to help Spencer now that they were starting to become friends. This early in the morning the world shouldn't have to be too loud or too big. She watched the rise and fall of Spencer's chest and made a decision.

She took out her phone and wrote up a text. She hit send.


	19. Chapter 19

Hey guys. Sorry this took awhile. I had exams.

Hope you guys. Enjoy this chapter. We'll find out who Paige texted. And of course... I plan on Spencer and Emily having a scene together next chapter. The last couple of episodes of PLL, is kinda how I picture prison!Spencer looking. That whole haggard and worn look. But also older and scarred. Troian is killing it in Season 3B right?

Thanks for all the reviews and follows. I love reading them so keep em coming. Thanks for being patient as well.

I don't own PLL or we'd get to see Spencer's cupcakes.

* * *

The shop was practically empty when she got inside. Spencer blamed it on the weather. It was freezing, and the type of cold that didn't know if it wanted to be rain or become snow. It was indecisive, but it was brutal. Ice was the weapon of choice, and it hacked down to the bone.

She was glad she had changed into something warmer before she and Paige had left the storage unit. The jeans and sweater still fit but the thermal top she pulled out was a little tight around her biceps. In high school, she had avoided the weight room out of some fear of putting on too much muscle. But that fear was one fed to her by the media. Because the exercises she did in prison to keep focus and strength of mind just left her more toned and defined. The muscles in her arms were visible without flexing. She wondered how different she looked from her younger self. Waifish and thin to lean and athletic. Adults had always remarked she acted mature for her age, but now she probably looked older than she actually was. Prison aged you quickly she had been told.

There were some photographs in the footlocker along with her junior yearbook. She took them and some of the clothes she had owned. They were in the Rosewoood high gym bag slung over her shoulder. She had left the journals behind since she didn't know how to explain them to her parole officer. They would be there when she went back tonight.

Spencer greeted Karolina and Solomon who were behind the counter. "Morning."

"Missed you yesterday. After your disappearing act." Karolina was angry. She had every right to be. It was Karolina's job to watch Teddy. Spencer pretty much took her charge and left without telling anyone. Then she had taken the morning off to accompany Emily to the vet's and had begged off work in the afternoon, which Nina had allowed since she was taking time off for herself. But in reality she had gone to the storage unit to start reading the journals.

With being mad at Emily then having the woman mad at her and having them forgive each other and making up only to have Emily angry at her again, Spencer had not given her younger friend a single thought. "I'm sorry. I hope Emily didn't tear into you like she did me."

"I'm not mad because you got Doc Fields pissed at me." Karolina was frustrated with her. Solomon frowned at her as well. Spencer hung her head.

"I should have told you I was okay. I mean you worry about me. A lot. It's just something I'm not used to. Having people."

Spencer felt that she had left everyone who thought she mattered behind in Muncy. People she probably wouldn't have given a second thought if she had met them on the street. But being in the same situation eventually forged strong friendships. Without that catalyst she wouldn't have friends, she'd have connections and people she'd use to get ahead. Like Alison bringing the four of them together. When she was gone, Spencer threw herself into academics and getting into U Penn and her social life didn't exist. Then A reunited them. She was alive again, instead of wires and circuits. She felt, cared, and loved enough to sacrifice herself.

Those first years in prison, Spencer had shut off again. She had gone through the motions unless Milk and her posse had decided to entertain themselves by bullying her. None of that hurt because though she didn't feel and she didn't care. She didn't love. The Professor and Mac would still try with smiles and greetings. Chuck would talk shit about her. Semi would flirt with her. She couldn't get attached.

But the outside world could still shatter her.

"_Spencer. I ran into Pam the other day and she told me some amazing news. Emily got engaged. She proposed to that nice girl from-"_

_She drowned her mother out in shock. Emily was engaged. Her throat went dry. She shouldn't have been hurt. Emily had to move on with her life. That's why she had done all this. The girl didn't even know she was supposed to wait for her. She hadn't told Emily about her feelings. She hadn't told Emily anything. _

_She was never getting out. She was never going to be with Emily. What had she been thinking? Her brain shut down and she spent the rest of her mother's visit on autopilot, spitting out the appropriate mumbled responses. She hugged her mother goodbye and then went to be strip-searched. _

_She coasted through that as well. Even if Emily's engagement wasn't currently making her go numb, the process didn't get to her anymore. This was no longer humiliating to her. She didn't feel. She didn't care. It was just another ritual. _

_She removed her shoes and socks, then her shirt, pants, and undershirt. She lifted up her bra and bared her breasts. She lifted up her feet to show her soles. She turned around, her back to a female prison guard. She pulled her underwear down and dropped into a squat. She coughed, completing all the motions so the COs could look for contraband. Every prisoner had to go through this if they wanted visitors. And her mother needed the visits just as much as she did. Spencer just hoped her mother didn't have to go through anything degrading just to visit her._

_She got dressed quickly. She had to find her. Because she felt this. And she did care. But she didn't want to. She wanted to feel anything but destroyed at actually losing Emily. It hurt. Her heart hurt, being squeezed and then shredded. She started jogging towards the woman's cell, where she knew she'd be. _

_There she was on the bottom bunk in her cell. The semi attractive woman from her first day. The woman that showed her a kindness when Spencer would only spurn her. Who chuckled at her when she couldn't cut vegetables and showed her how to use a knife. Who sat with her at breakfast and would have a cup of coffee ready for her, black the way she liked it. Who would sing Nina Simone and Billie Holiday to her and surprise her with French poetry or Pablo Naruda. Who made sure she'd have gloves or scarves or wool hats. Who would look at her cuts and bruises with concern and try to tend to them. Who would steady her by putting a calming hand on her shoulder, which she'd shrug off. _

_Semi looked up from the book she was reading, it looked like Finnegan's Wake. Which if you were in prison and cerebral enough, seemed like the exact book to tackle. Semi was hard to define, charming and relaxed to vicious when a prisoner broke an unspoken rule. The woman could be refined and classy, but also brutish and crude depending on the situation. She was the most respected prisoner. Even Milk was afraid of her. Spencer wanted to stay away, but always found herself pulled back to Semi. There were chess games and debates and dissections on different topics. Arcade Fire lyrics and chemistry formulas. Semi was the deepest fountain of knowledge. _

_How could someone so intelligent end up in prison? _

_But that wasn't what she came to ask._

"_My Lioness." Semi smiled. It wasn't a predatory grin. Semi never was. She was a warm embrace. She was solid. There was trust there only if Spencer would take it._

_Spencer's voice was brittle, desperate not to hurt and seeking shelter in the safest place she knew in this madness. _

"_Please." _

Karolina came around the counter and wrapped her in a hug. "Stop scaring me like this. Because I can't stay mad at you. You're like a wind up toy that just started getting played with again. You're just so socially awkward and it's adorable."

Spencer cocked her head to the side. "They still make those?"

"I had one when I was a kid. It was a robot. Nice and made of tin. I took it apart to see how it worked. It ended up going faster." Solomon shrugged. "My origin story."

Solomon was working through grad school. He was getting his Master's at U Penn in engineering. Karolina was taking a year off from school so she could earn more money in order to finish her degree in speech therapy. Both of them had their parents helping them out.

"Like Tik-Tok." Karolina said.

"The Ke$ha song?" Spencer asked confused. The couple started back at her. Had she just dated herself?

"You practically inhale books, but you haven't read the Oz series?" Karolina was surprised.

"I read _The Wonderful Wizard of Oz_. And I borrowed _Wicked_ from a neighbor." Spencer explained. Mac did not let up on her recommendations, so for the first time in her life Spencer had read comic books. From _Watchmen_ to _Gotham Central_ to _Runaways_. But her favorite had to be _Daytripper_ by Gabriel Ba and Fabio Moon.

It was about a man at different points in his life, an obituary writer who thought about life and death. Beautifully written with gorgeous artwork, _Daytripper_ called for her to close the book more than once and reflect. It made Spencer think about her life, and the different paths she could have taken. Where could she have ended up? Had she died in the bell tower with Ian. If she had gone over the cliff instead of Mona. If she had thought to join with A and counter act all of their actions back then, instead of going to prison to save the other girls and Damning herself in the process. A thousand different timelines where she had acted differently.

It was a heavy book and it weighed on her soul. One she wanted to keep tightly to her chest and share with strangers on the street. Even now, she had to pause, recalling each end Bras de Olivia Domingos came to. She shut her eyes, reveling in the caress of a cherished book.

"And a yellow hen. So Tik-Tok was a mechanical man. That had different windings for thought, action and speech. But he couldn't wind himself up. So he would shut down during the most inopportune moments." Karolina explained with the air of a diehard fan. Her face and voice were full of passion and delight at sharing what had to be a beloved series. "He wasn't alive which meant he couldn't feel emotions, so he couldn't love but he was loyal and devoted to Dorothy."

"Sounds like a toaster." Spencer deadpanned. "Loyal to making me breakfast and devoted to making sure I don't starve. Turn it on its side and it makes a decent grilled cheese."

"So you're saying Spencer's a toaster?" Solomon shared a look with Spencer.

"No! I was just bringing up Tik-Tok because you made me think of him."

"So you're saying I'm like this robot? Unfeeling and unable to love? And I freeze up in high stakes situation?" Spencer said in monotone, deciding to tease her with Solomon. Even though she felt like a machine sometimes with the routines, she still felt emotions no matter how hard she tried not to. She enjoyed being around her younger co-workers more and more. She could forget how much older she was than the both of them. She could forget the past and how the first letter in the alphabet was stalking her. If only for a moment.

"No. You guys are assholes!" Karolina threw her hands up. "If anything Spencer is the Tin Woodsman."

But there would always be reminders tearing into her.

_If you only had a heart._

Spencer recoiled. "I better put my stuff up and get started." She shrugged her shoulder up, gesturing at her gym bag. She left and pushed into the kitchen. She set her bag down on her shelf then took off her jacket. She balled up the old thing and shoved it in next to her bag.

The scarf Emily made her was still around her neck, like a noose. She tore it off and rubbed at her throat. She still valued it though, so she rolled it up and went to place it in her bag.

Unzipping it, she found a Manila envelope right on top of her clothes. She tucked the scarf along the side. She pulled out one of the photos. It was of the four of them after one of Emily's meets. Of course, the Sharks had won. Hanna was actually captured in mid-scream. She hadn't stopped cheering yet. Aria had on her usual gentle grin, happy for her friend. Emily, despite beating her personal best in the freestyle and bringing it home in the medley relay, was looking away from the camera. Always humble. And Spencer.

Spencer was looking at Emily as if she were the only thing in the whole universe.

It seemed so obvious glancing at this photo that Spencer was in love with Emily. But she hadn't realized it then. The moment of epiphany came too late for them.

Emily.

She had changed just as much as she had, but she was so much more better for it. She had always been a beautiful girl. A whole other level. Spencer knew a lot of words. Stunning. Tantalizing. Pulchritudinous. She prided herself on her vocabulary but no words could do Emily justice. Spencer didn't think it was possible, but Emily had only gotten more gorgeous.

Curves she had been envious of had become more ample. Her skin was enough to incinerate, and Spencer didn't mind the slow death. Her face was unreal. To see Emily once, was to see her every time you closed your eyes, each feature imprinted on the back of your eyelids. That was the type of beautiful only heard about in mythology. Like Helen of Troy, Guinevere, Sita, or Kaguya combined.

Everything for Emily was a kindness. But for Spencer, Emily was maddening. She was caustic.

"You're in early."

Spencer quickly put the photo up, and turned to her bosses. "Good morning. Uh, yeah. I don't have any where else to be really." She shrugged.

"I know what you mean." Eli smirked. The older con noticed the envelope in her hand. "What's that you've got there?"

"Photos."

"I'd love to see them." Nina said.

Spencer hesitated. But she was conditioned to hand things over to authority. Just as she had done with Paige, she did so now with Nina.

She knew neither woman would use anything against her or punish her for anything. There was nothing to be ashamed of in the photos really. No. It was that she was distances away from who she was then that cause a flicker of hurt. The texts didn't explicitly reveal details about Emily kissing her. No. It was that she was stupid enough to think she wouldn't get caught that stung.

"Oh. These are precious." Nina beamed. She shared one of the photos with Eli. The woman just nodded. "Emily was... a lot less thick back then. But she's the type that'll look great either way."

"Me, I prefer my women with a little meat on them." Eli pinched Nina on her side, making the other woman laugh and slap her hand away.

"Cut that out." Nina shook her head in amusement. She went back to the photos. "And you, Spencer. You have a brilliant smile. It should come around more often."

Spencer felt her lips quirk up and her eyes crinkling at the complement. She thought of Emily's smile. Hers could not compare. That smile was a sin, and Spencer was no saint. Truth was that it was fire and brimstone, and she wouldn't repent. She'd always lift Emily up over her own salvation.

That why her life was in shambles. Emily was chaos. Her downfall.

Coughing, Spencer looked down and away. Her hand went to the crook of her elbow. "What should I get started on?"

"Oh." Nina sounded confused at the sudden change in Spencer.

"There's the pans and bowls from this morning."

Before Nina was finished speaking, Spencer was already at the sink, rolling up her sleeves. She grabbed a cupcake pan. It was a mess, and she knew messes. She was currently living one. Fortunately, it was easy to clean up compared to the situation with Emily.

Spencer had found it easier to make Emily angry than to explain anything to her. To tell her about the journals would mean to open up about all the lies she had spun. She couldn't do that just yet. And Paige didn't want Emily to know about the journals. Her mother didn't want her to know about the journals. And she didn't want her to know about the journals.

She just wanted Emily to live her life. To do her job, and to save lives. To raise her daughter. To love her... wife. To love Paige. That's what she traded everything for. For Emily to have just a normal life, and to not be pulled down with her.

Emily was angry with her, but she would live.

"So you went to high school with them? Emily, Paige, and Hanna?" Eli was at her side. She added another cake pan to her pile that needed to be cleaned.

"Yeah." Spencer didn't look up from her work.

"That must be some history you have together."

"I suppose." She paused and took off her sweater, setting it aside. It was warm in the kitchen and Eli was making her sweat. She picked up the cake pan that Eli had added.

"You didn't just go to high school with them. You all were friends. There were five of you until there were only four of you."

"Someone knows how to use Google." Spencer deadpanned. "What happened to never asking what someone did to end up serving time?"

"One, I didn't ask. Like you said I Googled. And two, we're not in stir anymore so the rule doesn't apply. Because I'm sure as hell going to look out for Nina. And I'm looking out for you in the long run."

"Really? By digging into my past?"

"Yeah. Because Emily was dating Maya St. Germain. And I'm thinking she had something for Alison DiLaurentis. Those photos. You were stupid in love with her. It was all over your face."

Spencer looked at Eli and then she started laughing. The story everyone knew was that Spencer had Garrett Reynolds so wrapped around her finger that she got him to kill Alison DiLaurentis in order to have Ian Thomas's affection all to herself. Ian Thomas was then killed by Garrett Reynolds out of jealousy. Maya St. Germain, poor girl, had found evidence about Alison's murder and went to Spencer with it. Her mistake was trusting her girlfriend's best friend and it cost her her life.

It all made for a very melodramatic and overwrought made-for-tv movie Spencer found out. Some 27-year-old actress played her.

"That's... that's a new one. You're saying what? That I got rid of my rivals for Emily? That blonde one and Paige are still breathing." Spencer still had an amused smirk on her face, as she continued scrubbing.

"A little odd that Paige got blown up and the cops still don't know who the doer is."

"So I ordered a hit. From prison?" Spencer started up her laughter again. The theory sounded like something that she would have come up with in high school. That Alison and Maya were killed by someone that wanted Emily all to themselves.

She stopped laughing. That was something to think about.

"You done? Because what I'm saying is that you went to prison because of Emily. And you'll end up there again because of her." Eli warned. "Or you'll end up dead."

The older ex-con spoke again after a beat. "I know love. And it makes you do stupid shit. Don't do some stupid shit because of Emily."

Spencer slammed the cake pan in her hands down on the sink with a clang. "And how about Nina? Are you doing stupid shit because of her?"

"Yeah. I am. But this isn't about me." Eli didn't rise to the bait.

"You don't know me." Spencer spat out each word with harsh, burning emphasis.

"I know enough that you couldn't have killed anyone."

Spencer clenched her jaw. Eli was close. All of that had just been to gage her reaction. Did she have a tell? Mac had figured it out. And so had Semi. She told them the truth and they weren't in a position to believed.

It was another way that Semi had surprised her.

"_You're innocent." _

_They were out in the yard. Spencer was laid out on the grass with hand behind her head, eyes closed. She loved the feel of the sun's warmth on her face. Semi was sitting next to her, as close as she could get without breaking the rule about physical contact between prisoners. But that was one rule Spencer would break with Semi when she could get away with it. Stealing caresses and kisses. She turned her head to look at the woman._

_Semi was probably once fully attractive, but prison took years from you quickly. Spencer had that to look forward to. She kinda reminded her of the protagonist from Flashdance, if she never left her job at the steel mill to pursue dancing. Long dark curly hair and olive skin. Kind brown eyes that were full of mirth even though she was serving a life sentence. There was a small scar on her chin, as if someone had struck her while wearing a ring._

"_How are you so sure?" Spencer asked. _

"_Because only an innocent person would look so guilty all the damn time. It's in the way you walk and talk. It's in your smile. You sleep it and you breathe it. You even bleed it all over when you fight. I'm here because I killed someone. That's no secret. You're here because you're keeping so many. You're not a murder mistress. You're just a liar."_

"Didn't you watch the Lifetime movie? I'm the psycho whore that got an easily lead man to kill for her." Spencer gritted her teeth. It should have been amusing. That the movie had demonized her and had given Alison a soul. She couldn't finish it and had left the net cafe in disgust.

"I did. And it was really bad. Just horrible."

Spencer barked out a laugh. "Yeah. It was, wasn't it?"

"I couldn't finish it."

"Neither could I. I was actually offended at the cheap production value. At least the actress that played me was decent."

"Yeah. She's awesome. She was in some great indie films." Eli paused. "Are you okay though? I know I play the strict parent to Nina's fun one. Give out the tough love. But I'm just worried about you. I was where you were. Some days I still am." Eli stood in front of her. "If you feel like I treat you like a child, then I'm sorry. I can't help it."

Spencer knew where Eli was coming from. She knew what the older ex-con was saying, but couldn't say out loud. She saw Spencer as a daughter. It was something she had seen in prison. There would be groups of women that played at being a family, with a mom and a grandmother, sisters and cousin. She hadn't really gone for that, trying to be a loner. The closest thing she had to family in there was Mac and Chuck and the Professor. She didn't think of any of them as parental. She guessed Mac and Chuck treated her like a kid sister. They were better sisters than Melissa was to her. And the Professor was like an experienced aunt that only came around a few times a year. That's how little her bunkie spoke.

But Eli and Nina were definitely the parents of their little work family. Frida was the hardworking honor student of a little sister. Travis was the musical middle sibling trying to make it big with his indie band. And she was the failed older child that wasn't going places and doing the equivalent of living with the parents. This bitter thought made her cast Karolina and Solomon as the aunt and uncle playing favorites by taking her to movies and out to dinner.

They all had something, while Spencer just had a dead end. This was as good as it was going to get. Even outside of prison, she was a lifer. She was going to be stuck working at the coffee shop while every one of her co-workers would be moving on eventually. They were friends now, but Karolina and Solomon would finish school and get the jobs they wanted. He would propose and she would say yes. They'd get married and then have adorable mixed race babies. They'd drift away from her and she'd probably be teaching new employers how to work the espresso machine until she died. Or went back to prison. Which with A around, could be at any moment.

Spencer sighed. She shouldn't be bitter, but happy for her friends. They had found each other in this fucked up grey world. But instead of making her hopeful, it just made her depressed. She wanted things for herself that she was never going to get outside of a dream. She had lost Emily. And she had lost Semi. It was unlikely that she'd find that kind of love a third time. It was hard enough without a criminal past.

"I appreciate it. I do. But I guess it makes me homesick." Spencer offered as an olive branch. "My mother died while I was down. Breast cancer. She was the only person in my family that stuck by me. Everyone else, my dad, my sister, and my brother washed their hands clean of me."

Peter Hastings. He had paid a private investigator in order to protect Melissa, but had done nothing for her. She didn't think a parent could stop loving their child no matter what mistakes they had made. Even if they had kicked them out of the house and took down all their photographs. She thought there would always be a piece of their heart living outside of their bodies. Always feeling an ache that they wanted to mend. But for Spencer, Peter stopped loving her the moment she was arrested. He didn't have any problems pretending he only had one child. It wasn't much of a stretch since Melissa was the favorite. Spencer knew that he wasn't pretending. He wasn't aching on the inside.

He hadn't taken the piece of his heart back. It was as if he hadn't given it to her in the first place.

While Bruiser was a nickname Paige had given her after the punch she was still ashamed of, Spencer much preferred it over Hastings. If she wasn't being insulted or addressed as Teach, she'd be called Hastings. It's what the COs shouted when they wanted her attention. Each time she heard it was a blow, as if being whipped on her back. The welts of which were reminders that she was cast out. A pariah.

"That's a hard thing to deal with. But you have us. Anytime you want to talk." Eli gave her a warm smile and a hand on her shoulder. "I'll let you get back to work."

Spencer put up the cake pan and went to a mixing bowl. She washed it out and thought about the families you built against the ones you were born into.

The first family she had and the one that she bled herself dry for hadn't stuck by her and she had burned her bridges with her second family. Hanna hated her and Aria was gone, their tether severed. She had to leave her third family behind when she was paroled, but they wished her nothing but the best. Yet for all the care they had shown her, Spencer had yet to return it by writing or calling them. Her fourth family was the most mixed. Not hers only by default but through affection.

Then there was Emily, Paige, and Teddy. She felt welcomed with them. But the A text had been a reminder that she was only playing house. Paige was just an associate. Teddy wasn't her kid. Emily was never hers to have.

Her head was screwed up place and she knew it. One minutes she would lash out at someone, the next minute she would be laughing and joking with them. Then she would share something she had been gripping so tightly to her chest. She had no control anymore. There was falling to pieces, and there was what she was going through. She was being ripped into different directions all at once.

A mountain slowly erodes into sand or it gets blasted apart through eruptions and explosions.

As what happened most of the time, Spencer had been so agonized in thought that she had finished off most of her pile that needed to be washed without realizing. All that were left was a measuring cup and some whisks. She finished those up and and headed towards the front of the shop.

Hand about to push the door open, she caught her name being passed between Karolina and a man with a baritone of a voice. She paused to listen in, trying to place the voice.

"Spencer?" Karolina asked loudly, as if she knew she had an audience. "How do you know Spencer?"

"We met yesterday. She was walking Dantes and I was walking my dog. Then I met her and her friends. Paige and Emily? And their daughter. She said that she worked here."

Spencer's heart thudded in her chest. What was he doing here? She didn't think he would actually show up. He had been polite and she had been polite, striking up conversation because they both were out with their furry canine companions.

"Hmm. What did you say your name was?" Karolina spoke with suspicion.

"Oh. Sorry it's Gavin. Gavin Andrews." His voice was soothing, and she could practically hear his charming smile. That thing probably got him so many places.

"Uh. Right. Let me go see if she's busy."

The door swung forward and almost hit Spencer in the face. She jumped back. Karolina stared back at her.

"There's a painfully attractive man up front asking for you. But you probably already knew that." The young woman started smirking at her. "Damn Spencer."

"I..." Spencer looked down at her shoes. She was nervous. So she knew that she was interested in Gavin. Curious about him. It wouldn't hurt to get to know him. But it would for him to get to know her.

"Come on." Karolina grabbed her hand and made her sit on a stool by the shelves. She left and came back with a small make-up bag.

"Oh." Spencer said. Did she look unpresentable?

She had a rough night and maybe it showed. She did after all sleep on the floor of a storage unit. It hadn't been comfortable and she probably dozed off for twenty minutes before giving up. But then Paige made her take a nap and it had been the closest thing to a decent night of sleep for her in the longest time. It had been peaceful and uninterrupted. Nightmare-less. She had woken up snuggled into Paige's side and had blushed. She had choked out an apology.

"No. I mean you should just run a brush through your hair and

maybe mascara?" Karolina took out a tube of mascara.

Spencer didn't really mess with make-up these days. In prison, she hadn't seen the point and it was an attitude she brought with her when she left. She felt that she should make some attempt, but most days she didn't bother with more than eyeliner. Because at the end of the day, when she had to choose between bread or make-up she'd go with bread.

But she nodded to Karolina.

Eye make-up applied and Karolina convincing her that her hair looked better down, Spencer went up front to meet Gavin.

"Hey. Sorry to interrupt." Gavin greeted her warmly. "But I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by."

"Oh. No. I wasn't too busy." Spencer didn't know what to do with her hands. She looked around the shop. It was still pretty empty. "It's a slow day."

"Spencer! Tell your friend he should try the cinnamon rolls." Nina was holding a tray of the pastries. "Fresh out of the oven."

"Well. I guess I have to get one then. And maybe two cups of coffee?" Gavin took out his wallet. "What'll you have?"

"Charming thing aren't you?" Nina laugh. "Go ahead Spencer. There's not much for you to do. Take a break."

Spencer let Gavin buy her a cup of the brewed coffee and he bought a latte. Karolina winked at her when she put the cinnamon bun on a tray along with two forks. When their order was complete, Gavin picked up the loaded tray and carried it to a table. He set it down and pulled out a chair for her.

It threw Spencer for a moment. She didn't think that people still did that. She sat down and then Gavin took his seat across from her. Spencer picked up her mug and wrapped her hands around it. She looked down at the dark liquid.

"Thanks for taking pity on a guy in a new town and having coffee with me."

"Thanks for the coffee and making my day a little brighter." Spencer looked up at him bashfully.

"It's no problem." Gavin cocked his head to the side and watched her. "So tell me about yourself."

"There's not much to tell." Spencer went back to divining answers from her coffee. How fast would this guy run from the table if she told him she had been in prison for the last fifteen years and was currently out on parole? When exactly did you bring something like that up? The fifth date? Was it going to go anywhere?

She told herself to relax. It was a friendly cup of coffee. Just like Emily had said.

"I'm sure that's not true." Gavin offered a smile that would left even the most frigid of women a puddle on the floor." But I'll go first. And if you think it's interesting and sufficient enough, maybe we can trade stories? Or else we're going to have to get another cup of coffee sometime soon or maybe even dinner."

Spencer laughed. "Sounds good."

It was a light conversation. Spencer learned that Gavin had moved to Philadelphia from Chicago to work at a social news network. He was a journalist, which was another thing that surprised Spencer. Print media was dying, and newspapers had been the first to go. That was one thing she had noticed no longer littering the streets. While everything had moved to electronic copies and tablets, books and magazines still held on.

But he still spoke with passion about his profession. He was excited because he had been hired on not only to write articles but to report them in clips that people could go online to watch or stream. At least that's what Spencer inferred. She really didn't know for sure, but someone that had been a part of the world for the last fifteen years who know what he was talking about. She didn't own a tablet and she didn't know how to get her phone to go online. She still used her phone like a phone.

She learned that he had gone to Northwestern. His parents still lived in the house he grew up in back in Kentucky. He preferred the Rolling Stones over the Beatles. He had a sister that worked in the Foreign Service. He broke his arm his freshman year of high school when he tried to launch his bike off a homemade bike ramp.

And Gavin learned that Spencer liked to drink her coffee black.

"So I guess we're going to have dinner sometime?" Gavin grinned.

"I guess so." Spencer nodded shyly. She was actually looking forward to that.

He put her hand on top of hers and she tensed. He looked at her in apology. "Thank you for having coffee with me and sharing a cinnamon bun. I hope I didn't bore you."

"Not at all. Sorry I let you do all the talking." Part of it was not knowing what to say, but mostly because the sound of his voice was calming and had her relaxed. Maybe next time she'd relax enough to share some of herself.

They exchanged phone numbers and then after a promise to call and a quick goodbye, Gavin was gone.

Spencer sat at the table quietly, staring at an empty plate and mugs of coffee. Could something be so simple? So easy. The questions and laughter flowed freely from her mouth and she enjoyed listening to his answers while sipping on her coffee and cutting of bites of a sinfully sweet pastry.

There would be no complications. Gavin wasn't married. He didn't have a daughter. But he didn't know her past. There still would be lying. There still would be secrets. And that seemed to be apart of any relationship Spencer had been involved in.

She hadn't gotten far with Alex and she never told Toby about A. They didn't get back together after Mona had turned out to be A and they had found Maya's body. They had tried, but she had been more concerned with how Emily was doing and Toby left town before she had made the deal with A and had been arrested.

Her most honest relationship had been with Semi. The woman knew everything about her. Even about A.

She wished she could be honest with Emily. Tell her about what she really did to end up in prison and why. Come out and just say how she felt about her.

But what would it achieve?

A was still out there and Paige could keep Emily safe. Probably even more than she could. An ex-con had no real standing in the world, while a sought after lawyer could keep her out of danger. For whatever reason, Spencer was A's favorite target and as long as she was then Emily wasn't in the line of fire.

Karolina slipped into the chair across from her where Gavin had been sitting previously. "So?"

"It went okay. There are plans to have dinner. But I don't know." Spencer admitted.

"You don't know?"

"He was nice. He made me laugh but..." Spencer hesitated.

"It's okay. You don't have to commit to anything. Go your own speed." Karolina suggested hopefully. "I mean you're new to dating. It's been awhile right?"

"That and why I'm back to dating." Spencer was breathing harder.

She went to prison while still in high school. She'd only been with boys, not men. And the last person she'd been with was a woman. She didn't even know how to talk to people let alone date them. And of course explaining why she had been in prison.

"Tell him when you're ready. That's all I can say." Karolina stood up and started clearing the table. Spencer helped her and then went back to work.

After her shift ended, Spencer found herself standing in front of Emily and Paige's building. She adjusted the strap of her gym bag as she gazed up at it. She missed Dantes.

She had told Paige that it would have been for the best that she didn't show up at their apartment to walk Dantes, in case she ran into Emily. Paige had told her not to be an idiot and to show up anytime to see her dog. Emily was just mad at her, the lawyer had said. She didn't hate her. She wouldn't keep Dantes or Teddy away from her.

Still, she didn't want to see Emily so soon least she ending up confessing everything. So she told Paige that it was too cold for the little dog to be out and asked if she wouldn't mind looking after him. Paige didn't push her and said she would take him for the day.

But now she was standing there feeling extremely lost and lonely. She got herself to move and started walking towards her bus stop. Every step she took was a step further away from Emily.

The sidewalk was empty just like the shop had been. The sky was still grey. She adjusted her scarf to cover the lower part of her face to shield it against the wind. Her hair whipped around her face and she wished she had picked up a sweater with a hood this morning or had a hat.

Her arm was jerked back. And she almost ended up punching Paige again.

"Whoa Bruiser. I didn't mean to startle you but I called your name twice." Paige was grinning at her with her hands up in front of her in defense. "Caleb even honked the horn." She nodded her head over her shoulder. There was her silver Mercedes parked alongside the curb and Caleb was waving at her from the passenger seat. Paige took her gym bag. "Come on. It's cold as Hoth out here and I left my coat in the car."

Spencer followed the lawyer to the car. Paige opened the door for her and she got into the backseat. Paige put her bag in the trunk and got behind the wheel. She looked up at her in the rearview mirror. "Put your seatbelt on."

Spencer did as she was told.

Caleb turned around in his seat and greeted her warmly. "Hey."

"Caleb?"

"I texted him this morning." Paige turned her head and once there was an opening she pulled away from the curb.

"A is back and I want to help." He was nothing but determined. "She can't hurt Hanna again."

Spencer stared at him in disbelief. His hair was shorter than he wore it in high school. And he had a thick beard going on that was neatly trimmed. She wondered how Hanna let him get away with it. But he didn't look scruffy or hobo-ish. He looked polished and put together in a suit and tie. Spencer shrugged out of her jacket suddenly feeling shabby around him and Paige.

"This is dangerous." Spencer gritted her teeth. He and Hanna had a child on the way. Paige and Emily had Teddy. Spencer had no one and she was starting to regret ever involving anyone.

"Believe me, I know." Caleb replied. "When your breaks get cut, there's really only one person at the top of the list of suspects."

Spencer bolted out of the seat but stopped when the seatbelt hindered her movement forward.

"Seriously Wolfie? You just don't spring that kind of thing on people." Paige deadpanned but kept her eye on the road. There were less buildings now. They were leaving the city center and heading for a less populated area. Trees lined the road, like sentries.

"How exactly did you tell her about you getting blown up? In a greeting card?" Caleb fired back.

"Ezra." Spencer interrupted their argument. She had to know. They had to confirm it for her. Nothing else mattered except finding that out. Not even the fact that she was breaking the terms of her parole by leaving the city without permission. "What happened to Ezra?"

Caleb looked at Paige. The lawyer focused on driving. "We're not out of Philly, so calm down."

"What happened to Ezra?" This time she was screaming at them.

"There was a fire at their apartment." Paige started slowly. "Aria got out but Erza didn't."

Spencer squeezed her eyes shut and clamped her hands over her ears. She began wailing, a sound ripped away from deep in her soul. It was an inhuman noise and she couldn't believe that it was her throat it was escaping from. She knocked her head against the door. She flailed her legs out and hit the back of Paige's seat.

The car swerved violently, but she kicked her legs out again.

"Spencer! Stop! You'll get us killed." Caleb pleaded and she responded with more primal shrieking.

That's what she did. Got people destroyed. It was the only thing she was capable of. She had handed them all death sentences without a thought. She had only selfishly thought of saving Emily. Aria and Hanna were just bonuses. Damn everyone else. Caleb was lucky. Paige had survived, but had been maimed. But she had gotten Ezra killed. Just like she had killed her mother.

No good deed goes unpunished.

She was contorting her body to escape, the seatbelt strangling her. She had to get out. She had to get away. Her hand reached out for the door, but the handle eluded her panicked grasp. She pounded her hand against the door repeatedly.

There was the sound of enraged tires screaming to a stop followed by a click of a seatbelt unlatching. It was hers and she got the door open finally.

She was crawling out of the car, gravel biting into her palms. Soon she was up on her feet and running past bare trees and over decaying leaves. The only sound was the blood rushing in her ears. Nothing else existed but the need to escape.

Then something slammed into her and she ended up laid out flat on her back. She was being pinned to the ground. She struggled, bucking her hips and kicking out her heels. She started clawing at the person on top of her, desperate for them to hurt her back. She had to be punished. She was begging to be punished.

There was a sting against her cheek and then she was gasping for air in shuddering breaths. Her face was wet and her vision was blurry with tears but she could make out Paige's face staring down at her own.

Paige looked scared even though she was the one straddling her and thus in a position of power. There was a trickle of blood from a cut on her chin and her right eye was clamped shut. Her glasses were gone. Spencer realized that she was crying too, but tears were only trailing down the left side of her face.

Paige got off of her and Spencer just laid there in the dirt moaning. She felt Caleb standing over them. She closed her eyes. She didn't want to see the pity he had for her.

"Please."

They should just leave her there. Didn't they know what she had done to them? She had to warn them. She was poison. She was an inferno. She was a plague and would only bring them down. Suffering was contagious and should be done behind closed doors.

But strong arms wrapped themselves around her in an embrace. Paige dragged her into her lap and cradled her tightly. Spencer sobbed against her chest, while the woman soothingly ran her fingers through her hair and her other hand rubbed at her back.

"I have you. Let it all out."

"It's all my fault. I'm sorry." Spencer shuddered again. She clutched at Paige's jacket. "I'm so sorry."

Paige kept holding her as if she was attempting to keep her from crumbling again. It felt too late for that. She was just so tired. Despair stretched before her and it invaded everything like a disease. It was too much.

"No one blames you." Paige was trying to comfort her. She wanted to believe, but it was a lie. Her dad. Melissa. Hanna. And probably Aria. They blamed her.

"It'll be okay." Another falsehood.

"You don't know." Spencer cupped Paige's scarred cheek. She needed her to listen. To understand. "I did that. I'm sorry."

Sorry was the word that she held onto. If she said it enough times, maybe they'd forgive her.


	20. Chapter 20

Sorry for the wait guys! School is crazy. And it's about to get crazy. A month of finals. That we all lovingly call "Death March". So if I don't get a chapter out in the upcoming weeks, see you in April. While I am studying medicine, I'm still learning so I'm sure there will be errors. I'm trying to show how much of a badass Emily is with a 10 blade.

I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. Sorry that it's super long.

Disclaimer: I don't own this show. And maybe it's a good thing I don't, even though Spencer is all kinds of broken right now on the show.

Read and Review guys so I know I'm going down the right path.

* * *

The wind was blowing so hard that Emily almost passed on her cigarette break. It cut at her exposed skin. Her hands shook as she took the pack out of her jacket pocket, whether from the cold or her frustrations she couldn't say. She pulled a cigarette out and put it between her lips. Next came the lighter. Her thumb couldn't get it to spark, and she growled. That was just her luck wasn't it? She tried a couple more times and finally got her cigarette lit.

She inhaled deeply and immediately felt a bit calmer.

No one else was in the tiny alcove with her. Only she was desperate and stupid enough to leave the warmth of the hospital. The weather was numbing and it was the type that would bring in a lot of trauma cases. The roads were slick with ice and most motorists didn't see the patches until their car was slamming into oncoming traffic.

She blew out a cloud of smoke.

Once again, A had them spinning out of control. Just like when they were younger.

Things between her and Spencer had been getting better. Spencer was getting better. She would laugh or just sit there quietly but she'd have a small smile on her face watching her and Teddy. There were times where Emily could see a cloud fall over her, but those moments didn't last long.

Spencer had even taken Emily into her arms, which she realized was less of an embrace and more of an attempt to cling to something real. That she needed to feel safe.

Emily took another drag. She wished Spencer would let her carry some of that weight. Fifteen years in prison wasn't something to shake off lightly. There would be times when Spencer slid back.

She hoped she would be there when every time that happened.

If only it was as easy to fix Spencer as it was to cut out the inflamed or necrotic organs in her patients. If she could make an incision, take out what was damaged and then repair everything after, Emily would. But this way of thinking was unfair.

Surgeons were impatient. They couldn't wait to go inside and cut. Sometimes they wouldn't even see the whole patient, just the diseased body part. Just what needed to be fixed. They would forget that this was a person. A living breathing person with loved ones that needed to feel safe. To feel reassured.

That's all she could do for Spencer. Be there for her. The rest was on Spencer to let her in.

But it was hard to be patient when Spencer and her wife were being idiots.

They were going to get themselves killed or even more scarred and maimed. She was going to end up saving their asses or bailing them from jail. Which she hoped she wouldn't have to do. Neither of the women could afford anything that could send them back to that dark place.

She would never say it out loud but Spencer had to be the dumbest smart girl she had met. And the years hadn't really put much of a damper on that. She still thought she knew what was best for Emily. And Paige was enabling her.

The two of them were just a lethal combination of stupid and brave, and it frustrated her to no end. Damn fool Gryffindors that would leap without looking and she was the Hufflepuff that loved her ballsy women.

She sighed and held her head with her free hand. She needed to relax. She needed chocolate. She took another drag of her cigarette and when it was finished, she flicked it into a puddle and watched the orange glow fizzle out. She had just put her jacket up when her pager went off. She got her lab coat on and made sure she didn't smell like smoke before running to the nurse's station in the peds ward.

"Dr. Fields. The patient in room 214 is complaining of pain." Richard said as soon as she got there. One of her interns, whose name she couldn't remember was standing with the patient's chart and looking a little lost.

"Our daredevil?" Emily looked at the progress notes. The pain scale was a 6 out of 10. Kyle, aged 14 had sustained a fracture of his right femoral shaft after jumping off a roof to impress a crush. The orthopedic attending whose service she was on for the day had decided to fix the break with flexible titanium nails, which the kid thought was cool. The pain making him cry, was not cool at all. "All right start him on ketorolac IV as well. Every six hours. And Doctor..."

"Sam." The intern supplied.

Emily arched an eyebrow at him giving her his first name like they were buddies. She wasn't going to get into that with him at the moment. "Sam the Intern and I will go in to see him and his mom and tell them. And you'll follow as soon as possible".

Emily walked to room 214. "Good afternoon, Mrs. Shapiro." The teen's mother greeted her with a tight smile. "Kyle, I know it hurts. So I asked Richard to bring you some medication. It will reduce the pain and get you out of here faster so you can show off your battle scars. I know for a fact that girls dig scars. But let's not be so quick to try and get them."

Kyle just croaked out a response. Mrs. Shapiro and Emily knew that Kyle was definitely going to avoid risky behavior. He definitely was not going to jump off roofs anytime soon.

"Dr. Sam. Why is ketorolac preferred over opiates?"

"Uh. Unlike opioid analgesics, ketorolac does not depress ventilation, and is not associated with nausea and vomiting, urinary retention or sedation. When combined with an opioid, ketorolac exhibits marked opioid-sparing effects, which allows a lower dosage of opioid to be used. Clinical studies in children and adults show that the synergistic action of ketorolac and opioids improves the degree and quality of pain relief, and reduces the incidence of opioid-related adverse effects such as respiratory depression, nausea and vomiting." Sam eyes were directed towards the ceiling as if remembering the exact page in the journal he had memorized that from.

"What that means is there is going to be less chances of problems with breathing and you won't be getting dizzy enough to throw up." Emily explained in words Kyle could explain. She would also be telling Sam that he needed to use layman's terms that his patients could understand.

Richard came in and the pain medication. He checked Kyle IV line. He inserted the syringe needle into the Y-site and slowly pushed the plunger. "It's going to sting but it'll be over soon."

Kyle winced, and Emily looked over at him with a sad smile. She wondered what kind of trouble her son would have gotten in to. What he would have done when he started noticing girls. Or boys. Which ever he found himself attracted to. Then she started thinking of what he would be when he was older. The type of man he would have grown into.

Being a surgeon was a tough job. A difficult one. Lives were in her hand. Not just the patient's, but also the family's. The pain and sorrow, or happiness and joy of parents was on her head. She knew herself the pain of losing a loved one. And the pain of burying her child. If she could stop anyone from knowing that eviscerating feeling of loss, she would go anything to do so. Sometimes it couldn't be helped and she would have to break the devastating news. The worst had always been seeing parents have their whole world end.

So while being a surgeon was a difficult job, being a parent was the hardest job in the world.

Emily checked on his leg. "It's healing well. No signs of infection." She checked the incision site. There was no redness or major swelling. The swelling that was there would go down. Kyle would be out and walking because Dr. Mendoza was one of the best orthopedic surgeons in the country.

Kyle had fallen asleep. "You're so good with him Dr Fields. I think he has a crush on you. And I can't blame him. You and everyone here have made this go by so much more faster and easier. Do you have kids?" Mrs. Shapiro said, her voice just above a whisper as she used her hand to push hair out of her son's face.

Emily nodded. "A daughter. She's five. She hasn't broken any bones. Thank God, but she is quite the handful." She shook her head wistfully as she thought of her daughter. She was just like her wife. Spencer too. They'd all be the death of her.

"They are at that age. And you can't wait till they grow out of it, but then you miss when they were little when they're teens. You're still their favorite person and they aren't embarrassed to be seen with you." Mrs. Shapiro chuckled, but wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Well, I'll let Kyle get his rest. And you should too Mrs. Shapiro. If you need anything just ask." Emily offered.

"Thank you." Mrs. Shapiro returned to her bedside vigil.

Emily left the room followed by Richard and Sam the Intern. Richard went to look after his other patients. "Sam, a word please."

"Uh. Sure Dr. Fields." The intern sounded nervous.

"You're doing okay. Don't look so afraid. I'm not about to bite your head off. Unless you massively screw up." Emily was a firm, but fair with her interns. It was her job to make sure they learned as much as possible. Just like her attendings and residents did for her. Soon the interns would be where she was applying for fellowships and about to take the boards. But she wasn't going to hold their hands on this journey. She was there to make sure they kept going and didn't get anyone killed. "But when I ask you a question in front of a patient, don't regurgitate a textbook. State it in simple terms. Got that Sam? And what's your surname?" To her Dr. Sam sounded cartoony, like a character off a children's educational program.

"Uh. Sam is my surname. Not my first." The intern explained. "It's confusing, I know."

"What's your first name then?" Emily asked curiously.

"Abraham."

"Your parents named you Abraham Sam?" Emily couldn't help but smile.

"They wanted a name that people wouldn't forget."

"That's pretty memorable." Emily laughed. "But you're here now. And you'll make it so people will remember your name as a surgical Titan. Instead of a really good rhyme."

Her pager went off. "Let's get to the Pit. Ortho consult."

The two doctors went down to the Emergency Department and to a consult room. Stacie Tran, 29 years old, fell off her motorcycle. Her neuro exam was fine and her biggest complaint was pain in her wrist and that her bike was banged up when she tried to avoid an accident that had just happened in front of her. Had she been going faster, she probably would be in worse shape. She was lucky.

After Intern Sam finished up a complete PE, Emily had him take the woman to get an X-ray, while she went to grab an apple or a muffin from the nearest coffee stand.

She entertained the thought of having something delivered from Nina's, but then decided to suffer the mediocre and dry muffins and okay coffee that was sold at the hospital. The person that would deliver her order would probably be Spencer, and she wouldn't want anyone out in this weather.

She sighed.

So that was an excuse. While she was still frustrated with the other woman, she still wanted to see her and have her around. But she was nervous. She never knew which Spencer she was going to get. The woman whose strength and confidence allowed her to find her own or the shade that was left after all the light and life was stolen from a girl she loved.

She gritted her teeth. She was being impatient again. She changed direction towards a vending machine. She needed soothing in the form of a Snickers bar. She put her dollar in and then bent down to retrieve the bar. She tore into the wrapper as she jogged back towards the Pit. She took a bite and savored it. The sweetness jolted her, but she knew it was only a temporary rush.

There was no replacing sleep. No matter how hard doctors tried. And she didn't get much sleep the night before. She had slept at the hospital in an on call room, and had told Paige she was swamped with surgeries and patients. She was a fifth year after all. But they both knew Emily didn't want to go home yet. She needed a night to clear her head. She had let Paige know that she would be home in the morning just long enough for her wife to go on her run and to get Teddy ready for school. So she had studied for her boards and had given two different drunks sutures from two different bar brawls. She also had treated a kid that was having anaphylactic shock from eating peanuts.

In total, she had gotten about four hours of sleep before she had gone home this morning, when she added it all up. A night away had helped lessen her annoyance with Paige. But she had let her wife know her displeasure again.

_"Good morning." Paige greeted her with a cheerful smile. _

_Emily didn't look up from the sink, getting ready to take a shower. "What's so good about it?"_

_"For starters, you're here."_

_Emily felt Paige snake her arm around her waist. She furrowed her brows. "I'm still not happy with you."_

_"I know." Paige let her arm drop to her side in defeat but was still standing a breath away from her. Out of the corner of her eye, Emily saw Paige lean her back against the counter. "But I'm trying to protect you. I'm protecting my family."_

_"And who's protecting you? Who's looking out for you? Me. It's supposed to be me. This is a marriage. Let me be your wife!"_

_"I don't want to see you get hurt." _

_"If anything happens to you. To either of you. That would hurt me more than anything. It would kill me. I almost lost you once already." And for a time she had lost Spencer. She had thought she had her friend back, but that girl was still missing. "I can't go through that again. I can't."_

_"Don't worry. I'll make sure I'll live an annoying long life. Spencer too." Paige grinned as she gave a small salute and left to go on her run._

_Emily called out after her wife, trying to keep her lips thinned and her brows knitted together in frustration. "That promise doesn't make me any less unhappy with you! Did you hear me? Try not to die!"_

_Paige was still being an idiot. So while Paige never broke her promises, Emily wasn't reassured that easily. She resolved to make one of her own. It was she was going to keep._

After Paige had left, she took her shower. Then she had tried to get some reviewing in but had dozed off on the couch. Teddy's giggling had waked her up. Her daughter had climbed onto her legs, bouncing in excitement at having Emily home. Then the little girl had fallen forward onto Emily, which had knocked the wind out of her. But Teddy had wrapped her little arms around her in a hug and she didn't have it in her to chastise her daughter. Then they made French toast and veggie sausages for breakfast. After that she got Teddy ready for school and sipped a mug of coffee until Paige got back later than usual with only enough time to shower herself and get dressed for work and take Teddy to school.

Her pager went off, pulling her back to the present. She checked it and relaxed when she saw it wasn't a 911. Her X-rays were ready, and she let Mendoza know.

A glance at the X-ray and Mendoza told her she could explain the benefits between the three treatment options, but to sell her on intramedullary fixation and she could lead on the surgery. Emily thought she would have no problems doing that. Her patient seemed the type that would want to be back on her bike as soon as possible. That surgery was hers.

"You're pretty lucky. You walked away with just a broken wrist." Emily looked at the woman's x-rays. It was a bad break of the distal radius.

"Am I going to need a cast?" Stacie looked disappointed. "How long would it take?"

"A cast would take about six to eight weeks. When your wrist is in a cast for that long, you can't turn your hand or close your fingers. You certainly couldn't ride your motorcycle safely. When the cast finally comes off, you can expect your hand to be very weak and stiff. Then you'll need several weeks of intensive physical therapy to strengthen the muscles of your wrist and hand. You may not recover normal wrist flexibility or function for several months to a year."

"Yeah. Well fuck that. What's the best option?"

"Dr. Sam. Care to tell Mrs. Tran about what we plan to do?"

"We'll insert a titanium rod intramedu-" Dr. Sam caught the look Emily was giving him. "Inside the broken bone. It's minimally invasive, and only a small incision will be made. The rod we'll be using reduces irritation and swelling compared to if we put a plate on the outside of the bone. This means you'll be able to regain function sooner."

"And you'll be back on your death rocket in no time."

"Doc, you wound me. That bike just feels like freedom. I just can't give it up." Stacie grinned.

"That's what my wife tells me." Paige loved anything that let her be unlimited. Her motorcycle was on that list. And so was Emily. That was an amazing thing. To be with someone that made you feel limitless. But at the same time you could be chained to a person, and there was no moving forward.

"Your woman rides?"

"A Bonneville Triumph. It's a gorgeous bike, but you still can't get on me on the thing."

"How about you Dr. Sam? You down with a woman who rides?" Stacie flirted.

"On the streets or in the sheets?" Abraham played back.

"We'll get you ready for surgery. It'll only be an hour. And you can go home today. I'll be handling the surgery."

"All right then. Let's rock this." Stacie nodded.

"Dr. Sam schedule us an OR."

Emily was scrubbing out. The surgery went off without a hitch. She knew it would. She had first assisted on many ortho surgeries before choosing pediatrics as her specialty. Like Stacie had said, she had rocked that procedure.

Mendoza, who had been in the OR while reading a magazine, came up to her. "Good job Dr. Fields. Didn't really need to have me in there. I wish you were considering ortho. Any chance I can steal you from Doctora Bernal? The othro fellowship is good as yours."

As hard as Dr. Bernal was on her, she learned so much from her. The older woman was amazing with children, their parents, and the nurses. She was just tough on residents and interns, but for those that could take it, they became better surgeons. She was learning from a legend. So after her interviews for programs in Seattle and Boston, she was planning on staying at St. Luke's. She was going to get the peds fellowship. "Tempting Dr. Mendoza but peds is where my heart is."

"I understand. I enjoy having you on my service." Dr. Mendoza walked away.

Emily caught up with Sam. "Good job in there. And with the patient." The intern had scrubbed in and had answered all her questions right.

"I was just establishing rapport." Sam grinned.

"Uh huh. That better be all it is while she's a patient." Emily crossed her arms but had a playful tone. "So now you get to take care of my post-ops. Just page me if you need me."

"Are you okay?" Sam asked.

Emily eyed him curiously. "I just rocked a surgery. So yeah I am."

"I didn't mean... Of course you did. It was flawless Dr. Fields. But when you saw that other doctor up in the gallery... You looked angry. And I learned that I should always back my attendings and residents up." He nodded and crossed his arms.

This intern had only been working with her for two days and he already was loyal to her. She let him handle instruments and prove his worth. That was a new record. He had picked up on her lapse in calm focus when she had looked up at the gallery and saw Wren Kingston watching her. He had a good eye to pick up on it, a good trait in a surgeon.

But what was it about her that inspired in people the want to project her.

She didn't think she deserved that kind of devotion. She was only human, flawed like everyone else. Selfish. Indulgent. She smoked and she overate when things got too hard. She needed things to be simple. It hurt but she could hold a mirror up to herself and see her imperfections. She knew which sins and failures belonged to her. Sometimes she didn't like what she saw.

Still she was put on a pedestal.

"Right. I can handle Dr. Kingston." Emily's eyes narrowed.

"I mean if someone needs to hold _you _back. If looks could kill that guy would be in the morgue." Sam raised his hands up.

"Thank you for the offer Dr. Sam. I'll let you know if you have to prepare a trauma room." Emily smirked. She and Wren were going to have a little chat.

As she walked through the halls to get to his clinic, Emily thought about how the timing was perfect. He had information she needed. She hadn't thought of it before. Since was loath to depend on the man for anything. There was something about him that made her skin crawl, so she avoided him.

She found his clinic and walked in, right passed the receptionist.

"Do you have an appointment?"

"No. I'm just a walk in," Emily opened the door. "Dr. Kingston."

"Emily... Er. Dr. Fields. What brings you here?"

"We need to have a conversation."

"Are you here for a consult?"

Emily smirked. "Not at all."

"You were brilliant in the OR today. Glad I got a chance to see you in action."

"I'm always brilliant." Emily stated. "But that's not the issue."

"Well. What can I help you with?"

"It's how you can help yourself. I need information on a former patient of yours."

'You know I can't give you those details in good conscience." Wren seemed to know where Emily was going. "It would be unethical."

"We both know there's nothing good about your conscience." Emily glared at Wren. She place both of her hands on the desk separating them.

"And you're just trying to clear yours." Wren leaned back in his chair.

"Neither of us is innocent. This is for the one person that is."

Emily left the clinic with an address, her hands shaking a bit. Not from nervousness, but adrenaline. She had gone in there aggressively. Some would say recklessly. But it got the job done.

She could have gone to Hanna. But her best friend was about to pop out a baby at any moment. Why get her involved just yet?

She should call Aria. Someone else should be in on her plan and it would let her feel like she wasn't sneaking around. And if Aria didn't agree with her, there wasn't much she could do to stop her all the way from the other side of the ocean.

After grabbing her jacket and cigarettes, Emily went back to her atrium, which was still deserted due to the weather, but the sun was slowly coming out. She went into her contacts and selected Aria's photo. Her friend picked up after a couple of rings. "Hey."

"Em? What's up?" Aria greeted. But then a hint of urgency tinged her next sentence. "Is something wrong?"

"Isn't it always?" The more she thought about it the more she had doubts about if she had made the right choice in confronting Wren. He couldn't be trusted. Out of all the hospitals, he walked into hers. "I may have just done something stupid. Which is of course just another thing in a long list of stupid things I've done."

"Whoa. Calm down. What happened? Did you... Did you kiss Spencer again?"

"No!" Emily cringed at that being brought up. She had told Aria because she needed to tell someone. Paige was out for obvious reasons and Hanna would blame Spencer and end up doing something harsh to the other woman.

The only people that knew about the kiss were the woman that had shared it, Aria and A.

"Did Paige find out? You need to tell her. And you need to do it soon. Or someone else will pull the trigger for you."

"That is the worst thing that could happen." Emily reached inside her jacket for the pack of cigarettes and her lighter.

"The lies are already piling on. You told Paige that you hadn't gotten any messages from A."

"Yeah, well, lying is all I'm doing lately. Which is why I called." Emily got the cigarette lit, her last one. She'd have to get a new pack. "I made an appointment in Brookhaven."

"What's in Brookhaven?"

"A halfway house." Emily exhaled a tendril of smoke. She could get rid of some poisons, but others weren't so easy to release. They would stay insider her and grow, much like a tumor. Cigarettes and secrets both caused cancer. She should really quit.

The line was silent as Aria processed the information. "No!"

"I need answers. We need answers."

"Does Hanna know?"

"I haven't told her." She inhaled deeply.

"And something tells me you haven't told Paige or Spencer."

She flicked ash off the end of her cigarette. "They want to play detective, I can too."

"Well don't play against them. Work with them." Aria scolded.

"Things are a mess without you here."

Aria was quiet for a beat. "You know I can't go back there."

"I know.'' They were all haunted. Aria tried to escape her ghosts. But hell went with her.

"I miss you guys though."

"We miss you too. Teddy's drawing you some pictures to thank you for the birthday card and watercolors set now. She had to after she learned about her Aunt Aria the artist/writer/ bohemian. Thank you for the mess again by the way." Emily chuckled into the receiver. "And Hanna is going to have the baby soon. Paige is helping Caleb with the nursery. That Hanna designed of course."

"And Spencer?"

"She's... better."

Aria winced. "That bad, huh?"

"She was making so much progress but then A texted."

"I'm sorry I can't be there. But maybe I should call her. I should talk to her right?" Aria sounded hopeful.

Emily bit her lip. She wanted to fix Spencer on her own. But Spencer and Aria had always been closer. She couldn't take that away from either of them. "Yeah. She still doesn't know about... the fire."

The line was silent. "She'll blame herself won't she?"

"Yeah, she probably will." Paige had told her Spencer had freaked out when she told her about her eye and hand. Her wife had felt cruel for telling her like she did. Spencer had felt guilty about the letter bomb attack. She would probably fall into self-flagellation when she found out about Ezra. That needed to be handled in a delicate manner.

"Tell her that I don't blame her."

"You'll tell her yourself. I'll-" Her pager went off. "Shit. I have to go."

"Okay. You go save lives Dr. Fields."

"Bye, Aria. Stay safe." She hung up the phone and slipped it into her coat pocket. She ran back inside the hospital.

A long shift dead and gone, a new one coming up tomorrow. Emily had to get out of the hospital, but she didn't want to go home just yet. So she made another phone call.

When Hanna showed up behind the wheel of her car, Emily's eyes almost bugged out of her head.

"Should you be driving? I thought you'd show up in a cab or have Caleb take us?"

"I don't know where my chauffer is for the evening. But it's better this way. Just the two of us." Hanna shrugged.

"Get up. I'll drive." Emily gestured with her hand.

"Em! I got here didn't I? I'm pregnant. Not invalet!" Hanna rolled her eyes.

"Invalid and many of the differently-abled can drive. But they're not about to go into labor." She put her hands on her hips.

"Please, I'm not due for three weeks. And I'm with a doctor. So it's safe."

"Not if you somehow get contractions and drive the three of us into on coming traffic."

"Fine! You win, Dr. Fields. Can I have my best friend Emily back now?" Hanna pouted as she heaved herself out of the driver's seat. She waddled around the front of the car to the passenger's seat.

Her hand was about to open the door when Emily stopped her. "Nope. Back seat for you."

"I'm not a child." Hanna looked like she was going to immaturely stomp her foot.

"No, but you're with child. Don't be a pain in my ass. Get in the back."

"It's not like you'll feel it. Your ass is huge." Hanna mumbled.

Emily laughed. "I'll be glad when your baby hormones stop making you cranky. My huge ass needs to get some new jeans. And I need your opinion on how to make it look smaller, which is why we're going to the mall."

Two hours and forty-seven minutes later, the two friends were loaded down with shopping bags and sitting on a bench eating soft pretzels. Hanna had whined about being tired and hungry so to shut her up Emily had bought what her pregnant friend had been craving, a bacon and cheddar soft pretzel with mustard. They had smelled so good that Emily bought one for herself.

"So I got everything I needed." Emily had bought new jeans, which she had to get one size up. But they looked great on her. And she had picked up a blouse in a nice teal color. She also bought some socks for Paige and leggings for Teddy at Macy's. Her wife more often than not would misplace socks, and Teddy's adventurous spirit meant ripped leggings from climbing trees and falling down. "Where else do you need to go? Even though we've been to practically all the stores."

While Emily was exaggerating, it didn't feel like it to the tired surgeon. Most of the bags surrounding them were Hanna's and of course Emily was carrying most of them. She was usually relaxed when shopping and spending time with Hanna but she was starting to feel every minute.

"Aw. You're usually so Zen when we retail it."

Emily yawned. "Sorry. The day finally caught up to me. Fifth year." That on top of everything.

"It's almost done and then you'll be in attendance."

"An attending." Emily said as she finished off her pretzel and tossed the wrapper into the bin next to their bench.

"Yes that. We have one more shop to hit and then you can drive me and my car home." Hanna grinned.

"You still haven't heard from Caleb?"

"No. How about Paige? They're probably together getting drinks at The Library. It's still happy hour for a few more minutes."

"I texted her." Emily's lips thinned. It wasn't like Paige to text her or to reply back. "But nothing."

"I'm sure we'll hear from them soon." Hanna balled her wrapper up and then threw it at the bin like Emily had done, but instead of going in it bounced of the edge and fell to the floor.

Emily stood up and picked up the wrapper and threw it away. Then she stood in front of Hanna who looked up at her expectantly with her arms stretched in front of her. Emily rolled her eyes and pulled the pregnant blonde to her feet. Hanna started walking and Emily gathered up their shopping bags.  
"Forgetting something?" Emily asked when she caught up to Hanna.

Hanna took two of the bags from Emily's hands. She stuck her tongue out and then walked into a shop. Emily paused before following her inside. "Victoria's Secret? Seriously, Han?"

"Hey, I'm going to give birth to this baby. And when I do I want to look good for Caleb and feel sexy. Also take advantage of these boobs." Hanna cupped a lace bra up to her breasts.

When Emily chuckled at her friend, Hanna pouted. "Don't laugh. You've got amazing boobs. You would look good in this."

"I'll pass." Emily made her way towards a comfortable looking armchair.

This time Hanna followed behind Emily. "You should get something sexy to wear, too. You know, for Paige. I'm sure she'll enjoy it more than those socks you bought her."

"She needs socks. I don't know where they keep going. I think Dantes likes to play with them." Emily was the one that did the laundry and one sock would always end up solo. The unpaired socks were a problem before the pitbull came to live with them, so she couldn't really say he was the culprit. But he was responsible for the fine hairs that she'd find on her sweaters and jeans after folding them in the laundry room, where he slept.

"Who?"

"Our dog."

"You got a dog?"

"Actually, he's-" Emily stopped herself. Spencer was a sore subject for Hanna. She didn't want to have an argument among lingerie. "Yeah. He's a pitbull."

"I'm sure that made Teddy happy."

"Very." She should probably get him a sweater while they were at the mall. The vet said that short haired dogs like him got cold.

"So make your wife happy, and pick something up for her. I mean when was the last time the two of you had sex?"

"Hanna!" Emily's voice was a warning.

"Lesbian bed death is serious business. Caleb and I wouldn't mind having Teddy sleep over so you two can have a night together. You two are definitely going to do the same for us once I push this kid out. This would look good on you." Hanna was holding up a bustier top and matching panties in a sheer white. "Match it with thigh stockings and garters! And wear three-inch heels. Em, you have to get this."

Emily placed a hand on her stomach. She had just bought some size 14 jeans, so she was a little in doubt about her measurements. She loved her curves and so did Paige, but they really hadn't had sex in awhile. Not since Spencer had come back into their lives. "Okay. You convinced me. I just need to get my size right."

So a sales associate got her measured: 38C-32-46. She bought the white set Hanna had suggested some bras and panties as well. Once Hanna got everything she wanted twenty minutes later, they left the store.

But before they headed back to Hanna's car, Emily made sure to get Dantes a couple of sweaters. Spencer hadn't stopped by that morning to walk him and she hope it was because of the weather and not because she hadn't wanted to see her. She thought about getting a key made for Spencer. She'd talk to Paige about it.

They were finally in the parking garage when her talkative friend fell silent. Emily could feel her eyes on her. "What?"

"You didn't answer my question earlier. How long has it been since you and Paige had sex? I want to know what to expect when this kid is finally around. Seriously."

"Teddy isn't the problem." Emily unlocked Hanna's car and got the truck open. "She was asleep the last time we had sex."

"And that was?"

Emily couldn't really remember as she put their bags away. "Last month?"

"Four weeks!" Hanna whistled. "I was totally right about the lingerie. Em, I'll take Teddy tonight if it means you and Paige get horizontal. Or against the wall."

"Like I said, Teddy isn't the problem." Emily bit her lip. She had to talk to Hanna about this, but this so was not the way she wanted to bring the situation up. She opened the driver's door, but didn't get in. She looked at Hanna over the roof of the car. "It's Spencer."

Hanna was quiet and staring at her intensely. Then she erupted. "That bitch! I swear to God if she's taking advantage of how you felt for her-"

"No!" Why did everyone think she was hooking up with Spencer? And why did Hanna assume that Spencer was the one taking advantage of her. It had been the other way around. She had been the predator, catching the woman with her lips. She felt angry at Hanna but even more with herself. "Spencer doesn't even-" Emily sighed and got into the car. She leaned her forehead onto the steering wheel.

She heard the passenger door open and then slam shut. "Talk to me, Em."

"I was the one taking advantage. I kissed her."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Hanna smacked her on the shoulder.

"Because I knew you were going to blame her."

"I do blame her." Hanna crossed her arms across her chest.

Emily knew Hanna wasn't talking about the kiss. "When are you going to forgive her?"

"She doesn't need us. She made that perfectly clear." Hanna was staring straight ahead.

"Spencer had a reason. Maybe it was us. A didn't bother us while she was gone."

"And now that's she's back, so is A. And the last time A raised her fugly head, Paige lost an eye, Ezra lost his life, and we lost Aria to exile."

"You know she had nothing to do with those cupcakes."

"It's not about the cupcakes. It's about how you tried to see her every day after she got arrested and she ignored you. She ignored all of us. She didn't trust us."

"So, you're not going to help. You're just going to give up?" Emily's brows furrowed.

Hanna shoulders slumped. "I gave up on Spencer a long time ago. Maybe you should, too."

Emily opened the door to their apartment defeated and completely drained. The drive to Hanna's had been spent in silence. The moment she had got the car parked, she had jumped out of the car and caught a cab home. Hanna had looked like she wanted to apologize, but Emily didn't want to hear it.

That's how she knew A was back. Not the texts. Or the paranoid feeling. But the fact that the four of them were divided. And that's how they would fall.

For the three of them, A had been quiet. Almost like A never existed, just a bad dream they had woken up from. But an explosion and a fire were the wake up call. Just a taste of the hell Spencer had been living with for the last fifteen years.

"Hello?" Emily called out. She could hear the TV in the living room. She set her bags down. She started walking towards the sound. Paige and Teddy probably hadn't heard her over the noise.

Her wife and daughter were in the living room. And so was Spencer.

While Paige and Teddy were curled up together on the couch, Spencer was sitting alone in the armchair, hugging her knees to her chest. She had on a baseball tee and sweats. Her hair looked damp, like she had taken a shower. She looked so small, in that armchair.

"Oh." That got Teddy to look up at her Emily. Distracted from the movie, Teddy jumped off the couch and ran over to her. Dantes, who had been lying down in front of Spencer, scampered after the little girl. There was a mix of childish giggles and barking.

"Mommy! Spencer's here and Mama's being a pirate and Dantes almost eatted Mama's eye and we ordered pizza and we watching movies because it's a sleepover!" Teddy hugged her leg.

"I see that," But Emily was confused.

Paige came over to them and Emily understood what her daughter meant by her "being a pirate."

She was wearing her eye patch. Her hair was up in a messy ponytail. Emily noticed a scrape on her chin. A look of displeasure on her face, and arms folded across her chest made Paige an imposing figure.

"Teddy, go keep Spencer company. Your mother and I need to talk."

Their daughter skipped over to Spencer and said something to her. The woman looked up at them briefly and then back at Teddy, who was trying to climb into her lap. Spencer hesitated before helping her get settled into the couch. Teddy's attention was back on the movie, but Emily could tell Spencer's was focused on the two of them even though her eyes were staring at the TV screen.

Paige sighed and moved them a little bit into the dining room, but at angle where she could keep on eye on Teddy and Spencer. "Where have you been? I've been calling your phone."

"I was at the mall with Hanna." Emily said in confusion. She hadn't gotten anything from her wife.

"You were shopping?" Paige sounded relieved. But started again, with agitation lacing her question. "Why didn't you text or call?"

"I did. Didn't you get it? Never mind. What happened?" Emily reached out to caress Paige's cheek.

Paige's shoulder slumped. "Spencer found out about Ezra."

Emily's eyes widened. "She did? Is she okay?"

"Does she look okay?" Paige spat out.

"How bad was it?" Emily cringed.

"She freaked out. She was hysterical. I had to," Paige clenched her eye shut, loathing and regret pouring off her. "Slap her. She was hurting herself."

Emily knew what a person in a severely anxious state was capable of. She had to deal with it in the Pit on numerous occasions. It would end in restraints and administration of sedatives. There was no real quick fix.

And while Paige had a tendency to throw things when she was angry, she always hated her actions afterwards. She knew Paige. Striking Spencer, even if it was to stop the woman from being a danger to herself, was going to join dunking her head underwater on the list of things that would haunt her wife.

"Did she do that?" Emily asked about the scratch marks on her chin.

"It's okay." Paige shrugged it off, and Emily knew that her wife wasn't telling her everything in order to protect Spencer. "And I was polishing my eye when I dropped it. And Dantes scooped it up in his mouth and it got even more scratched. I already called to get it replaced. But it will take awhile. So, in the meantime, I'm a pirate."

"All right. If that's what happened." It seemed like an elaborate cover up but if Teddy said it, there had to be truth to it. Her daughter was the only one of them that couldn't lie. She hadn't learned how to yet.

"And Spencer's staying with us tonight. I got her cleaned up, but she hasn't eaten. And she hasn't said a single word yet." Paige was choked with worry. "I don't want her to be alone right now."

"No, of course not." Emily was about to suggest that. She was somewhat surprised that Paige was so worked up about Spencer. They had become close so quickly. Paige just felt so strongly for the forgotten and broken. She knew her wife had been there once and couldn't stand to have other people go through the darkness alone. Paige had such a big heart. It was what she loved about her.

"We should get back to them. We were watching _The Wizard of Oz." _Paige started heading back to the living room.

The credits were rolling when they got back. "Aw, it's over. Did I miss movie night?" Emily put on a pout for her daughter. She noticed that Spencer was rigid, and shivering. Dantes had taken back his spot at the base of the armchair by Spencer's feet. Paige went to sit on the couch.

"No, Mommy. There's one more movie lined up." Teddy grinned up at her and Paige from Spencer's lap. Then the little girl beamed up at the woman. Spencer smiled back weakly, but it was a struggle for her to do so. She looked uneasy at having Teddy so close to her.

"You want to come sit with us, Baby Girl?" Emily joined her wife on the couch, and patted the spot next to her.

Spencer flinched at Emily's question, and she regretted it. The woman thought that she didn't trust her with her daughter. Spencer was tense because she thought she was dangerous. Finding out about Ezra's death and hurting Paige had wrecked Spencer even more. Holding Teddy was a victory she needed.

Before Emily could save the situation, Teddy flopped against Spencer's side. "I'm good. Spencer needs my cuddles more."

Spencer looked up her and Paige, asking for permission. Emily nodded and the lithe woman relaxed and leaned back against the armchair, but not before brushing a hand over Teddy's hair. She and Paige settled in to watch the next movie that had been put into the queue.

The familiar notes of her childhood came through the surrounding speakers as the Disney intro music started playing and Cinderella's castle appeared on the screen. Paige's arm went around her shoulder and she leaned into her wife. She smirked knowing what movie Teddy had picked out.

"_Brave _again?" Emily whispered into her wife's ear.

"She loves it. All that talk of her Mama Bear, of course she was going to want to watch it." Paige whispered back. "Did you eat yet?"

"Just a pretzel." Paige leaned forward and grabbed a paper plate. She opened up the pizza box that was on the coffee table. There were still a lot of slices left, and her heart sank. Paige had said Spencer hadn't eaten yet.

That was another thing Emily added to her list of things that made Spencer different. She had always been a big eater. How she had managed to stay so skinny, Emily never knew. She had been someone that enjoyed food and taken pleasure in sharing a meal. But she now seemed to shy away from excess.

Loss of appetite was a symptom of depression and PTSD. And that's obviously what Spencer was going through. Emily had to wonder if Spencer's living expenses were also a factor. It certainly didn't help her. She made a note to have Spencer over more.

Paige gave her a plate with two slices. "Here you go. Pepperoni and mushrooms." She glanced over at Spencer, and Emily did the same. "Spence? You feel up for a slice?"

Teddy shushed her. "This is the best part."

"Everything is the best part. Your mother is asking if Spencer would like to have something to eat." Emily said firmly. "You've seen this movie countless times."

"Spencer hasn't seen it yet!" Teddy pouted. "You're just like Merida's mommy. Mean."

Emily tried to not wince. She was now engaged in a staring contest with her daughter, when she had just hoped for a nice quiet night for all of them. A similar scene was playing out on screen between the Princess and the Queen. Emily was not looking forward to Teddy's teenage years.

"Okay." Spencer's voice was barely a whisper, a dry rasp. Emily was sure she had imagined it but Paige stretched out and gave her a plate of pizza. Spencer took it and gave it a small bite. Paige grinned and wrapped her arm around Emily's waist, and Teddy went back to watching the movie distracted by the arrival of the different clans presenting their sons as suitors.

The rest of the movie was watched without any more upsets. Spencer finished her slice, and Emily polished off a third one. Paige's hand slipped under her shirt, and lazily traced circles on her skin. The movie ended, and Teddy was hugging Emily tightly.

"Sorry, Mommy. I love you. Don't turn into a bear." Teddy's face was pressed into Emily's side. "Just be a Mama Bear. Scary but soft."

Emily kissed her head. "Okay, I promised not to turn into a bear." Paige was smirking in amusement at the exchange, one that always happened after they watched _Brave. _Paige had joked the first viewing that she was like King Fergus minus the accent and burly manhood and that Emily was a total Mama Bear like Elinor, which caused their three year old at the time daughter to burst into tears at losing her mom. So Emily had made the promise that she would never leave or turn into a bear every time the credits rolled each time they had watched it.

"Oh!" Teddy jumped off Emily's lap. She went over to stand Spencer. She put her tiny hands on the tense brunette's knees. Her daughter's voice was low, but sincere. "Sorry I forgotted. You miss your mommy now and that made you sad."

The movie always made Emily think of her own mother. And would illicit a phone call home to her voice and feel reassured that Pam was still there. Their relationship had come a long way since the standoff that happened between them when Emily had come out. They were closer now that she was an adult and a mother herself.

But Spencer would never have the chance to talk to Veronica Hastings. She would never get to have a relationship like the one she had with her own. She didn't know what their final goodbye was like, but it had to be tearful. Spencer had to have known that would be the last time she'd see her mother alive. She couldn't visit Veronica in the hospital while she was dying from breast cancer. She hadn't even been allowed to attend the funeral. There were things she never got to tell her mother. Life was so precious.

She felt Paige squeeze her hand, as if she had been thinking the same thing about Spencer. She looked at her wife, who had a sad smile. "Talk to her?"

Emily just nodded. Paige got off the couch. "Alright Tedge. Time for bed."

The little girl began to protest. She wanted to stay up. "It's pretty late as it is. You're lucky you don't have school tomorrow. And I'm going to sleep, too."

"But Mama! I'm six now. I can stay up so much longer." Teddy's argument didn't hold much strength when she let out a big yawn.

Emily laughed at her. "I think you're sleepy. Trust me I'm a doctor."

"Hmm. I trust your mommy a lot so it's bedtime for you." Paige put her hands on her hips.

"Then tell me a bedtime story then. The princesses I want to know what happens next."

Paige picked up their daughter. "Oof. You really are six aren't you? I mean you are getting too heavy for me to carry."

"Nah uh. You are the strongest mama I know."

"Thanks, Tedge. Well then, any last words?" Paige cocked her heads in the direction of Emily and Spencer.

"Oh yeah!" Teddy wiggled. "Good night, Mommy."

"Good night, Baby Girl. Sweet dreams."

"Good night, Spencer. See you tomorrow! Thanks for watching movies with me."

"Night, Cub." One corner of Spencer's lip went up, an imitation of a smile.

But Teddy didn't pick up on it. She just looked pleased that she got Spencer to say words. Emily had watched as the little girl from time to time had looked up at Spencer during parts of the movie to see her reaction. She probably noticed that the woman didn't laugh or giggle during the funny parts. She did smile though, Emily had noticed, but the saddest smile one could make. Emily knew the smile from patients and parents. The ones that were terminally ill, grateful for the time they still had but dreading the moment that their time together would end. That was how Spencer smiled these days, as if she was on borrowed time and A would soon come to collect.

Paige gave Emily a kiss. "Don't stay up too late, babe." She flicked her eyes urgently in Spencer's direction. Her wife must have noticed Spencer's "smile" as well.

Then Paige headed towards the bedrooms, Dantes following them. "Remind me... what was happening with the princesses previously?"

"The Brave Princess was swimming when the Grey Knight came and tried to scare her. The knight is mean. I don't like her." Teddy scrunched her face up.

"I didn't like the Grey Knight either. But she gets better. Trust me. Right so the Rose Kingdom was going to compete in a race, and The Brave Princess and The Grey Knight were the fastest in the whole kingdom. But no one knew who was faster so..."

Emily couldn't hear the rest of the story, but she already knew how it ended.

Once she and Spencer were alone, Emily tried to sit as close to the other woman as she without leaving the couch. She didn't want to crowd her. They sat in silence. Emily watched Spencer as she stared down at her hands in her lap. They were scraped up again, but it looked like her wife had tended to them. There was some Tegaderm on her left hand.

She began gently. "Paige told me what happened today."

Spencer's hands clenched tightly but she tensed, almost like she was cowering. It was if she was getting ready for a punishing blow to strike her body.

Emily continued, uncertain as how to proceed. "It was such a shock when it happened. It was exactly a year after Paige's attack." A had reminded them with bouquet of flowers with a card attached, wishing them a _"HAppy AnniversAry!_" She gritted her teeth at the thought. "The fire investigator ruled it an accident. An electrical fire. But nothing is ever an accident when it comes to A.

A hadn't sent a text claiming responsibility like she had when Paige had been attacked. It was unnecessary because none of them would ever forget what happened on this date. So when the same date rolled around the following year, Hanna, Emily, and Paige had Caleb on lockdown. It was Paige that thought to check the car out, and had found a puddle of brake fluid.

And Aria had run off to Europe. Aria had never received the brunt of A's torment. That had always been Spencer, followed by her and Hanna. But it was unfair that it had all caught up to her in such a brutal way.

"My fault." Spencer croaked out.

"No one blames you." Emily stated firmly. Spencer still didn't look up at her. So she went over to the woman instead. She crouched down in front of her; take up the spot Teddy had been standing in earlier. Instead of Spencer's knees, she took Spencer's hands in her own and kissed her knuckles. "Did you hear me? No one blames you. Not for Paige's attack. Not for what happened to Ezra and certainly not for your mother's death."

The tears were falling freely from Spencer's eyes now, her face twisted in pain. "No one was supposed to get hurt." She had a hard time getting the words out because she was sobbing so hard. "I thought... My fault. Mine."

"Spencer?" Emily asked in confusion. What did she mean by that?

She didn't have time to figure it out because Spencer slumped out of the armchair onto her knees. Emily alarmed, tried to catch her, but they both ended up falling to the floor instead.

They were on their sides, but Spencer was sobbing into her chest. Emily adjusted their position so that Spencer would be more comfortable on top of her. Just like in the restroom at the cafe, she put one hand on the small of her back and the other in her hair. She held the woman close as her body wracked with sobs.

"She was sick. She didn't take care of herself because she was taking care of me." Spencer choked out.

"Your mom loved you. And when you love someone, you move mountains for them." Emily knew this was true. She would do anything for her daughter, protect her and never give up on her. Not just her daughter either. She knew she would do anything for Paige, her wife who she loved dearly. But the one thing she couldn't do was to stop loving Spencer.

But she knew Paige could never ask her to do that. Her wife put her before herself. And the woman in her arms right now was the same way.

Spencer would move mountains for her. She didn't know how to ask, but she was sure that Spencer already had. And it cost her fifteen years of her life.

"I'm just so tired." Spencer murmured.

"Let's go to bed." Emily instinctively kissed the top of her head. She bit her lip. Why did her heart work faster than her brain? "I- I can stay with you until you fall asleep." She waited for Spencer's reaction.

Spencer didn't move for what felt like forever. Maybe just to embrace Emily tighter, as if trying to hold on for a few more seconds. But Emily couldn't be sure because Spencer pushed herself up quickly moments later, practically ripping herself out of Emily's arms.

"That's not necessary." Spencer stated, staring straight into Emily's eyes. But she was embracing herself. Emily missed having her arms around her too.

"Spencer. Just let me-"

"Good night, Emily." Spencer turned on her heel and went to the guest bedroom. Emily followed her only to have the door shut in her face.

Emily put her hand and forehead against the door. She wished Spencer would just let her help her. But she messed it up again. "I'm sorry."

Like the night before, Emily didn't get much sleep. She couldn't sleep.

Again she stayed on the couch, reviewing until she fell asleep. Unlike before, where her daughter woke her up, she woke up to shouting.

She ran to the guest bedroom. Luckily, Spencer hadn't locked the door. The bed was empty, but the screaming was still going on. She went to the side of the bed, and found Spencer thrashing on the floor in a tangle of sheets and blankets.

Emily went to her side. "Spencer! Wake up!"

Spencer sat up, a look of confusion all over her face.

"You were having a nightmare." Emily wiped away some of the sweat on Spencer's forehead.

"I'm sorry." Spencer whimpered.

"Emily?" Paige was standing in the doorway. She looked worried, if not a little disoriented herself. Dantes was by her leg, but then he came into the room to stand guard.

"I've got this under control. Go check on Teddy? Please." Emily helped Spencer back up into the bed after Paige left and shut the door. She thought that the woman had fallen out of bed because her nightmare had been so violent. But it looked like Spencer had laid out a blanket and pillow. She started off sleeping on the floor.

She fixed the bed up as quickly as she could and got in next to Spencer. She wrapped her arm around her and pulled her close to her chest. "Just go back to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."

The little dog put his nose on the edge of the bed. Spencer reached out and rubbed his muzzle.

Emily sighed. "You too, Dantes." The dog moved and she imagined that he was there on Spencer's side of the bed, curled up and worried about her.

She hummed something for Spencer, as she listened to her sniffling die down and her breathing evening out. Soon she fell asleep, too.

Emily woke up alone. The side of the bed next to her was empty. She sighed and looked up at the guest bedroom's ceiling.

She felt like she was stuck in a loop, always repeating herself and her thoughts. She was always remembering the past and while someone once said, "Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it." She could never forget the past, but she was always making the same mistake.

All Emily could see was the damage, but Spencer was still there. She was still healing. What Emily thought of as two completely different people was the whole. That was all Spencer. Nightmares and broken smiles. Gentleness brought on by caution. Someone afraid to love because she thought she only brought ruin and destruction to everyone around her. Even though Spencer didn't believe it, Emily knew she had a big heart.

But Emily was constantly breaking it.

She got out of bed and padded to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Dantes barked when she came in. Paige and Spencer were sitting at the kitchen island chatting. They were both dressed up for a run, both covered in a sheen of sweat. She momentarily wondered where Spencer had gotten her clothes. They didn't look like anything Paige owned. The material actually a little tight on the woman, showing off the definition in her arms. Emily guessed they were her old clothes, which made sense since they were brighter than what she usually wore.

And brighter too was Spencer. She actually had a grin on her face as if she hadn't had the worst day yesterday. Her eyes were shining.

"You guys went for a run?" Emily asked, as she poured herself a cup of coffee.

"Yeah." Paige nodded. "Spencer is almost as fast as me."

"Almost had you." Spencer said with her mouth full. She was eating a banana.

If anything could appeal to Spencer it was the chance for competition. Emily smiled weakly. Why was it so easy for Paige to help Spencer? Why did Spencer keep running from her? "That's great."

"What do you want breakfast?" Paige went over to the fridge. "I can make us something nice."

"I have to get to the hospital. So I'm going to hop in the shower. I'll grab something on the way."

"Promise me you'll actual eat something." Paige frowned.

"Hey, I'm in no danger of wasting away." Emily joked. She drained the rest of her coffee. "Sorry I have to steal the shower away from you. You'll just have to be all hot and sweaty for a few more minutes."

"We could always share the shower." Paige grinned suggestively as put her mug in the sink.

"Tempting offer." Emily cocked her head to the side and brought a finger up to her cheek. "But like I said I need to take a quick shower and get to work."

After her shower and getting dressed, Emily went to say goodbye to her wife and Spencer. She gave Paige a kiss on the lips, but Paige pulled her in possessively and deepened the kiss for seconds longer.

"Uh. I'll see you tonight." Emily asked a little flustered.

"Yeah?" Paige grinned. "I put your shopping bags up in our closet by the way. I didn't peek. But I can't wait for my surprise."

Emily smacked her arm playfully. "Well, you're going to have to wait a bit longer. Your surprise needs more planning."

Paige pouted, which looked ridiculous on her face when coupled with the eye patch. Her wife was an adorable badass.

"Bye. Have fun with Teddy." Emily said in amusement. She turned to say goodbye to Spencer, but found her staring intensely at the bowl of fruit laid out on the island.

That whole exchange between her and Paige must have made her uncomfortable. And waking up in the same bed together this morning had to leave Spencer confused. "Spencer? Bye." She didn't know what else to say. It fell awkwardly between them.

"Bye." Spencer said shyly, not looking at her in the eyes. Paige said goodbye to her once last time as she left the kitchen.

She bit her lip and went to the elevator. She pressed the down button.

When it arrived she was surprised to see Hanna standing there.

"What are you doing here?" Emily said harshly.

"Well, I felt bad about where we left things off yesterday, so I was going to surprise you. I called your Chief Resident and asked Riyadh what time you were free. And he told me that you weren't coming in until the afternoon. Which I thought was a little weird since you told me that you have to get up at the ass crack of dawn to go to surgery. Didn't you used to be the honest one? What are you really doing?" Hanna crossed her arms against her chest.

Emily pulled Hanna into the elevator and hit the button for the ground floor. "I'm going to Brookhaven."

"Emily! No!" Hanna looked angry.

"A is back and I need a place to start."

"So you were going without telling me?" Hanna raised her voice.

"Hello? You are extremely pregnant." Emily yelled back.

"Well. Now I am going with you." Hanna shrugged it off. "How did you find out where she was anyway?"

"That's not important." She didn't want to admit that she got help from Wren Kingston.

"Look, I didn't tell you because I was trying to protect her like I protect all of my friends. She's getting better now. She has nothing to do with any of this."

"So, you're still defending _her_?" Emily was irritated by the fact that Hanna had abandoned Spencer, but still kept in contact with _her_. "She might know who is behind all of it. We can end this." Emily was determined.

"She didn't talk then so what makes you think she's going to now?" Hanna bit her lip.

The elevator doors opened. "A feeling."

After registering with the front desk with a fake name, Emily took her visitors badge. Hanna knew her way around, so she just followed her friend to a common area. They took a seat at a table and waited. Hanna told her something about the program at Brookhaven.

Residents had to keep a job while staying there, so they could learn to be integrated back into society. They had a curfew that had to be followed, but they could come and go as they pleased as long as they were cleared with their psychiatrist and they signed out with the front desk. Emily didn't like how that sounded.

She took a look around the room. It was a very nice place. It reminded her of a sorority house or a day spa. It was very upscale with plush carpeting and mahogany paneling. A couple of the residents where milling about the room. There was a burly man sitting in an armchair doing a crossword puzzle but she guessed he was an orderly on some type. He had on a grey polo shirt and khaki pants. He looked up when the person they were visiting showed up.

"Hanna! Look at you, mom. When is the little ankle bitter going to show up? I want to spoil this kid. Stake my claim as the cool aunt."

Hanna flashed Emily a brief apologetic look before smiling awkwardly. "Soon. I hope."

"And Emily Fields. " The woman drew her name out slowly, her voice sickly sweet. "I haven't seen you in ages. And there's so much more of you to see."

Emily gritted her teeth. "Mona."


	21. Chapter 21

Click. Boom. Sorry this chapter is late. And long. I didn't realize because I was writing this in between studying. Death March is over and came out with many cuts and bruises.

I figure a warning is needed: There is a solo sexy time scene in this chapter. So heads up and thumbs up if you think it's any good. I cannot write smut so thanks to my beta/wife aaajmachine for making sure it wasn't a huge mess.

Paige McCullers is my favorite. If I owned the show there would be more scenes with her hanging out with Hanna because they are the best. And if Paily stopped being a thing, Spemily would happen. But I don't own PLL because everyone has all their body parts and Ezra is alive...

* * *

Spencer woke up slowly, feeling wonderful and well rested. It was something she hadn't felt in a long time. She usually had to drag herself out of bed when her alarm went off, after unsuccessfully trying to fall back asleep.

But right now, she felt safe.

The reason why was the arm gently laying across her chest and who it belonged to.

Emily was still asleep. Spencer couldn't help but smile. She was watching the woman while she slept. The rise and fall of her chest. How relaxed her face was, the slight part of her full lips. The strand of hair that fell across her cheek. How soft her skin looked and what it would feel like to touch it. Warm and inviting, like a summer day spent under the sun. She thought of a line from a song that Semi liked to sing_. You're just like an angel. Your skin makes me cry._

She gently brushed the strand out of Emily's face and felt a jolt when her fingers brushed her cheek. She worried that Emily would feel the exchange, and wake up. Spencer's own hands were rough from years of hard labor. She wasn't soft. She was damaged. She worried about touching Emily again. But Emily only snuggled closer to her.

It was time to get out of bed and stop dreaming. Nothing had happened between them. Just sleep. But Spencer wasn't having such innocent thoughts. Emily was married and her wife was in the other room. Paige was a good person, compassionate and kind. Someone who deserved Emily.

Holding her breath, Spencer moved Emily's arm as slowly as possible. The other woman didn't wake up and she got out of bed. Dantes popped his head up, and she willed him not to bark.

He got to his feet, and nudged his head against the side of her leg. Spencer smiled at him. Then she put the comforter back over Emily. She grabbed her gym bag before slipping out of the room with Dantes in tow. She shut the door quietly. She planned on getting dressed and leaving the apartment.

Then finding a way to leave all of them.

There had to be a way she could transfer to another county or even another state. How did no one think it was a bad idea to have her near the ex-girlfriend of one of her victims? She could bring that up with Miss Molly Mendes, when she had had her next surprise visit. Or she could ask about it now. She did have the parole officer's number. But she was a little afraid of the woman.

Or she could always just run. Violate parole and go back to prison. Get her old cell back. Get her old life back. Her few friends still had to be there. And Semi would still be there.

That had to be easier than this. And it had to be safer for all of them. To just fade away.

"Going somewhere?"

Spencer put her fists up, falling into a defensive stance. Paige was standing in the hallway. She had just come out of Teddy's room. She was dressed up in some form fitting running gear that hugged her athletic body. Spencer's eyes scanned her up and down appreciatively. She swallowed the lump in her throat, and looked away shyly.

It was awkward. She had just woken up next to the woman's wife and now she was checking her out. Not only that, but yesterday...

A lot of things happened yesterday, and it made Spencer feel ashamed.

"_I'm going to have to ask you to just keep Teddy out of the house for a little bit. Okay, Karolina? I'll let you know when to bring her home. Thanks. Just call if anything happens alright?" Paige got off the phone._

_Caleb was driving the car and Paige was in the backseat with Spencer, whose head was in her lap. Paige had laid her suit jacket on top of her. She smoothed down her hair. "Just get some rest, okay?" _

_Spencer squeezed her eyes shut, in part to hold back the tears that wouldn't stop falling and so she wouldn't see the scratches she left on Paige's chin. How some of the buttons on her shirt had been ripped off, and one of the sleeves were torn. She wouldn't be able to see how Paige had her right eye clamped closed, because she got dirt in it after having to tackle her to the ground._

_She actually hoped she looked worse than Paige, because she felt awful. _

_They finally got to Paige and Emily's apartment. Paige sat her down in the kitchen and told Caleb to keep an eye on her. That made her face burn with shame. Caleb nodded at her, and gave her space. He just went back to working on her phone. _

_She wondered why they didn't just come here in the first place. Paige probably had the whole place decked out in anti-spyware or something equally paranoid, so why the drive out in the country? The cloak and dagger stuff had to get old. _

_Then again when it was the four of them dealing with A, they had their secret meeting in not so private places like the Grille and the girls' bathroom at school. No wonder A knew all their plans._

_Spencer looked down at her hands. They were covered in dirt and dry blood. She had hurt Paige again, and the woman wouldn't look at her now. Maybe now she would realize how dangerous she was, why she had been locked up. Maybe now they would give up on her._

_Paige came back with her hair tied back, in just a tank top and her work slacks. She was also sporting an eye patch over her right eye. _

_Spencer went back to staring at her hands. She listened to the sounds of the kitchen. There was a constant hum. _

_"Alright. Let's get those cleaned up. Can I?" Paige's voice was gentle, but with a tint of worry. When Spencer didn't pull her hand away, Paige took held one of hers and started rinsing it out with saline water over the small sink at the kitchen island._ _"The perks of being married to a surgeon. Our first aid kit is tricked out."_

_Once all the dirt and blood was rinsed off and a pebble removed from her palm, Paige started with the antiseptic cream. "Let me know if it hurts."_

_It did hurt. But Spencer didn't say anything. She just watched Paige's hands, the one that was all flesh and the one that was bionic, black synthetic a harsh contrast next to fair skin. They were nice hands. Graceful and slender, but strong. Intelligent and skilled hands that could grasp a wrench tightly, but also knew every inch of Emily's body and could make her toes curl in ecstasy. _

_That thought made her jerk her own hand as if it were touching a flame._

_"Sorry. Almost done."_ _Paige set the gauze aside. Then she opened up a pack of Tegaderm. "Emily swears by this stuff. Living with me and a six year old makes for a lot of scrapes and cuts. Sometimes I wipe out on my bike. This minimizes the scarring."_

_What did she care about scarring?_

_Her hands were a spider web of scars. Defensive wounds and accidents from learning how to hold a knife or work on an engine. There was a scar around her knuckles from punching someone in the mouth and cutting herself on the woman's teeth. _

_A fight bite. And she hated it._

_Because every time she looked at it, it was a reminder of how proud she had been to put someone in the infirmary for weeks instead of ending up there herself. That even though her eye was swollen shut and she had the taste of her own blood in her mouth, she was grinning madly. She had liked the thrill of hurting someone. Years later she still hated herself for it. _

_How could she be such a monster to take pleasure from someone's pain?_

_"All set. And these are waterproof so you can hop in the shower. When you're ready." _

_Spencer still didn't look up, but still could hear Paige cleaning up. _

_Then she picked up on her having a conversation with Caleb. _

_"I don't want this in my home." _

_Spencer flinched. It was always such a shock to hear Paige raise her voice. It wasn't as furious as when she had yelled at that cashier because of her, but it still dripped with deadly determination. It was enough to get Spencer to stand up. She was why Paige was upset. She should go._

_"Spencer? Sorry I yelled. It wasn't about you." Paige was anguished. The woman reached out to put a hand on her shoulder but Spencer instinctively cowered away. "And I'm sorry I hurt you earlier." Her voice usually so confident and playful, was full of so much disgust directed internally instead of outward towards her._

_She couldn't tell Paige she had nothing to apologize for. _

_Because she was the one that almost got them all killed in a car crash. She was the one that was going to get them all killed eventually, one way or another. _

_She went to a corner in the kitchen and slipped to the floor. If the other occupants of the room, thought that was weird they didn't say anything. _

_Dantes came over to her, and flopped down next to her. She glanced at him from the corner of her eyes. She lowered her hand slowly to stroke his back. It had a calming effect on her._

"_If the US government is one of your biggest clients then I'm sure you can figure out how to trace a blocked number by now." Paige said frustratedly._

"_See I could, with the program I had created five years ago. But A seems to have gotten around that. Throwing it in my face by sending the texts from my own company's offices." Caleb growled._

_Spencer tuned them out. She had learned that you couldn't seek A because A found you. And it never ended. _

_Dantes was licking her fingers. She felt her heart beat slow. _

_"I think dogs are a good judge of character." Paige was crouching down next to her, a small smile on her face. "He should be afraid of people but he trusts you. And he knows when you're sad."_

_There was a time where Spencer would have lashed out or been cruel to anyone that saw her like this. Sarcasm and biting wit were the best used weapons in her arsenal. She would have venomously told Paige that she had just given a dog food, and he stuck around. Nothing more, nothing less. She would have told the woman that feeding a stray dog to make him prosperous, and he would never bite you. But people still could. They had sharp fangs. _

_But she was tired. And Dantes was a good dog. And Paige had such a lovely smile. She couldn't be vicious to them. They had such goodness in them, and she had none._

_When you sell your soul, you have nothing left._

_"I'm going to head out. Hanna will start to wonder where I am. Surprised my phone hasn't been ringing nonstop." Caleb spoke. _

_"But I will keep trying."_

_"That's all we can do."_

_"I could talk to Hanna. Ask her about..." She could feel Caleb's eyes on her, but she focused on Dantes._

"_You're probably going to have to." _

"_Call me if you need anything." Caleb was silent. "Bye Spencer." He sounded like he wanted to say more, to try to be more comforting, but he didn't. He probably didn't know what to say and Spencer was sure nothing he did say could make her feel better. He left._

"_Well, Karolina is going to have to drop off Teddy soon. Maybe you'd like to take a shower. Change clothes?" Paige asked kindly._

_Spencer wondered briefly how bad she looked. Wild and crazed probably. Filthy and covered in dirt from when Paige had to tackle her to the ground. She had run out of the car in just her shirt, having taken her jacket off because the car's heater was running. If Paige's shirt had been destroyed, hers was in the same state. _

_She stood up, and Paige was immediately at her side. She grimaced. Not because the woman was offering help, but because she felt sore. Not unlike when she had played field hockey with Paige._

_She found herself missing those days actually. Days when it was just a friendly scrimmage and Paige pushed back against her, because she had pushed back first, not because she was sprinting off into the woods to get away from her life. Paige had been aggressive and Spencer had just dismissed it as her having a poor attitude and not playing well with others. The girl had no friends. _

_But she didn't realize, due to her youthful ignorance, that Paige had a lot going on back then._

_Paige was a lot stronger than she'd ever be._

_After grabbing some things out of the closet in the hall, Paige showed her to the bathroom in the guest bedroom. The lawyer pulled towels from a cabinet and set them on the toilet. She then fiddled around with the touch screen panel on the wall that everything in the apartment seemed to have. She held her hand under a stream of water. _

_Spencer caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her hair was a mess. It was matted with dirt, just as much as her shirt was. Her skin looked grey and she still had those dark circles under her eyes. She looked empty. _

_Her hands went to the hem of her soiled shirt and started pulling it over her head. She unbuttoned her ruined jeans, and had them halfway down her thighs when she heard Paige suck in a lot of air._

_The woman was staring at her in surprise. Spencer smacked herself mentally and pulled her jeans back up. Normal people didn't just take their clothes off in front of other people. She was so used to showering in front of other women and having no privacy that she didn't realize she was half naked in front of Paige until the other woman called her attention to it._

_She felt ashamed. _

"_Uh, I'll just be outside." Paige looked away. "Shout if you need anything."_

_Spencer was filled with a sudden panic at being left alone. She wanted Paige to stay. She tried to form the word, but it died in her throat. She let out a frustrated mewl. She grabbed Paige's left hand._

_Paige looked down at their hands. Spencer let go quickly. The other woman didn't say anything. She just moved the towels from their perch on the toilet and sat down on the lid. She just put her hand over her eye, more for her benefit than Spencer's. Spencer finished getting undressed. She put all of her clothes into a neat pile._

_Spencer carefully stepped into the tub, and reveled in the feeling of warm water touching her skin. The hot water at her apartment didn't last long, and in prison she was lucky if she got the good shower stall in her block. _

_She stood in the tub, under the spray of water that was the perfect temperature. She didn't know what to do aside from let everything wash over her. _

_Ezra was dead. _

_They had never been close beyond their relationship of teacher and pupil. Even though he was dating Aria, they never really crossed paths. Aria would talk to her about Ezra, and Spencer was happy that one of them had something resembling a normal life, but that was all she knew Ezra as. He was something foreign and abstract to her when she was trying to keep everything from falling apart. _

_She was sad he was dead, but in that withdrawn way people shake their heads ruefully for a second when they read about a death in the newspaper in some far off town. She was more distraught that his death was her fault. And that she had taken Aria's heart. _

_She had taken away Aria's chance at forever._

_That was unforgivable. _

_Because she knew that if the situation was reversed, if Aria had taken Emily away from her, Spencer would never be able to look at her again. _

_But it didn't matter. She already knew how it was to live without a heart. _

"_How you doing in there? Sorry it's just Teddy's shampoo. I need to get to the store. But it makes her hair baby soft, just like Emily's."_

_Spencer looked around for the shampoo bottle. It was probably better that she used that. She didn't want to have Emily's scent lingering around her. She picked it up and poured out a sparing amount in to her right hand, which wasn't wrapped in a bandage. _

_She wasn't sure she could lather up, with the state of her hand. _

_But she tried her best. She once had to shower with a broken hand. She had help then. After weeks, of making due and her hair looking oily, she finally let Semi help her. _

_It felt nice having someone's fingers massaging her scalp as she sat in a chair with a towel around her neck in the prison's attempt at a salon. She hadn't been touched so gently in so long that had ended up moaning in pleasure, much to her embarrassment and Semi's knowing smirk. She could hear Semi's sultry voice in her head. "And I'm not even trying. If you like that, imagine what I could do between your legs."_

_Once they were in a relationship, Semi showed her just what she could do with her hands countless occasions. But their first time was special. Semi had been gentle and understanding, since not only was she the first woman Spencer had slept with, but she was also the first person she would sleep with. _

_It wasn't perfect and it wasn't how she dreamed it would be, but it was amazing and wonderful. When they were together, she could forget that she was in prison. It was possible to forget Emily. She learned how to love._

_Semi had held her as she cried. She sang to her and ran her fingers through her hair. She had always fallen asleep easily when someone played with her hair._

_She was crying now for the love that she lost and the love she left behind. It wasn't the first time tears had been shed in the shower. It was a way to hide how she was feeling. She finished crying and then she finished her shower._

_She stared hard at the shower panel but didn't know how to operate it. Why did everything have to be a robot? _

_She could figure this out. She squinted at the panel. It looked like the panel for the home sauna her dad wanted to install in their house. He had a pamphlet laid out on a table and he spoke to her excitedly about it. It was actually one of the last conversations they had shared as loving father and devoted daughter. _

_She pressed a button and the water shut off. She was pleased with herself. Something had finally gone right._

"_You done in there?" Paige asked._

_Spencer nodded but then realized that the other woman couldn't see her. She pulled the shower curtain back a bit, making sure she was somewhat covered. _

_Paige turned towards the sound as she slipped her phone in her pocket. "Uh. Let me get you a towel." She stood up and put down one of the towels. The second one, she unfolded and opened up, ready to wrap around Spencer's body. She seemed to realize what she was doing when she blushed and looked at the ceiling. "Sorry. Mom habit. I'll just..." She took a step towards the tub to hand Spencer the towel._

_But Spencer was already getting out of the tub. She had one foot out on the bathmat when her other foot caught on the edge of the tub. She was suddenly pitching forward into Paige._

_They collided again and they fell to the floor. Spencer was on top this time and the only thing between them was a bath towel and Paige's thin white tank top that she was currently getting wet. _

_Spencer was mortified as she stared up at Paige's face. _

_Her chin. Those scratches were there because of her hands. Paige's had to wear an eye patch because of her. Not just because of the fight they had, but because she made the woman underneath her a target. _

_She expected the woman to be angry. She tensed, ready for the yelling to start. But she was surprised by laughter. _

_Paige's rich laugh filled the bathroom. "Of course that would happen." There was amusement written all over her face. Then she grew concerned. "Are you okay? That was quite the fall."_

_Spencer couldn't take it. This woman she had scratched and punched, whom she had gotten blown up and damaged, whose wife she wanted was asking if she was okay. She thought of her first before herself. It was too much._

_She started crying again. She dropped her head against Paige's chest, her tears adding to the already damp spot on her shirt. She started crying harder when Paige's arms wrapped around her yet again. But unlike in the woods, Paige didn't say anything._

Spencer had cried so much yesterday, the most she had ever cried in her whole life. Paige was witness to most of her breakdowns. If it wasn't her, it was Emily.

"I can get why you want to leave." Paige approached her. "Maybe she'll be better off. Maybe she'll be safer. But it won't stop her from getting hurt. You leave and you'll take part of her with you. It'll destroy her."

Spencer knew Paige was right. Emily would never give up on her. She moved the strap from her shoulder, and set the bag down. "I'll stay."

"Good." Paige's smile was back and she clapped Spencer on the back. "Now get dressed. We're going for a run."

Spencer forgot how freeing it was to have her feet pounding the ground. She missed it. She hadn't run for pleasure in ages. The physical things in her tiny apartment, the push-ups and crunches cleared her mind, but filled it with numbers. When she stopped counting, every dark thought returned in an explosion behind her eyes.

But running as fast as she could and she left a weight lifted off of her shoulders. It was a freedom she had in prison, to race around the impacted dirt track. She'd work in her laps no matter the weather, through mud or over frozen earth. Because rain or snow, she could feel so light and she could imagine her feet lifting off the ground. She was chasing away the darkness; she wasn't running away from them.

She was racing along side Paige, who had traded her eye patch for some sharp looking Oakley shades. Her legs pumping easily, each step hitting the pavement. Paige had shown her one of her routes through their neighborhood. The sidewalks were theirs at the moment with not too many people out. And the temperature was kinder than the day before.

Now they were on their way back to the apartment. They turned onto Paige's street and it was pretty much a straight shot from the corner they were on.

She cast a side-glance at Paige. She grinned and then pulled ahead. She heard the woman laughing behind her. The entrance to Paige and Emily's building was coming into view. They were sprinting to the finish now. She had a nice lead, but then Paige got ahead of her.

They were both breathing hard. Spencer was leaning forward, her hand against her knees. Paige had her hands on her lower back, and arched it.

"That was-" Paige took a deep breath. "Damn Bruiser." She was smiling though. Then she raised a hand.

Spencer gave her a high five, and a huge smile right back. Even though she lost, she knew that Paige did a lot of running, while she hadn't run in months. It would take awhile, but she'd get there eventually. She'd beat Paige. She'd win.

They went inside. The doorman greeted them as they made their way to the elevator. Spencer found him polite the couple of times she had shown up to visit Emily and Paige. Her first visit, she had been worried at seeing him there. She was afraid that he'd take one look at her and turn her away.

Or he'd ask to see her ID, and at the moment the only form of ID she had was her inmate ID. If driver's license photos always turned out bad, in the inmate ID photos you either looked scared shitless or like a murdering thug. Spencer's photo fell into the latter, looking entirely like the deranged seductress that the media had painted her as. If the unfortunate photo wasn't enough of a clue, the word "INMATE" was printed right there along with her prison number.

But she had stuttered out her name, and he told her that she was expected and that Teddy's birthday party was already in full swing.

"Mrs. Fields. You have a good run?" The doorman asked. He was dressed in a simple grey double-breasted blazer with red piping and cuffs.

"The best run. This one put me through my paces." Paige cocked her head towards Spencer. "Talk to you later Frank." Paige headed towards the elevator with Spencer trailing behind. "He's a nice old guy. Em brings him coffee sometimes when she's taking a break from reviewing. Him or the other guard, Jerry."

The elevator arrived and they got on, and Paige pressed the button for their floor. Spencer glanced at Paige. It was hard to tell where the woman was looking behind those dark lenses. It was unnerving.

"Something on your mind?" Paige asked.

"Uh. The doorman. Frank. He uh called you Mrs. Fields. I didn't think..." Spencer sputtered. She didn't know why it got to her.

Emily and Paige were married. She knew that. Paige was Emily's wife, a fact she tried to not think about. Paige Fields made her cringe inside. Another nail in the coffin of there ever being an Emily Hastings.

"I keep asking him to just call me Paige." The lawyer gave her a sad smile. "But you didn't mean that did you? I guess it's kinda surprising that I would go by Paige Fields. But honestly I couldn't see myself not taking Emily's name. Who wouldn't want to be a Fields? They're a great loving family, and I strive for that when it comes to raising Teddy. I thought Fields always sounded softer than McCullers. More nurturing. So when it comes to family matters like bank accounts and parent teacher conferences, it's Fields. But when it comes to work and cases, it's McCullers since my parents gave me that competitive drive, and it has a hard sound it that I like to think strikes fear into the opposing counsel. If that makes sense?"

Spencer nodded. "It. It does." While her pre-prison country club self always knew she'd keep her name when she was a powerful attorney, and that she would have loved for Emily to go by Hastings in those minutes between confessing out loud that she wanted a life with her and A's text offering her a deal, she thought about how she would rather be a Fields.

Spencer Fields. Paige was right. It did sound nice. Fields was warm and healing. It sounded like spring. Not like Hastings, which was old money and privilege. It was cutthroat and unkind. A name to live up to and an image to uphold. And since she shattered that image, she'd been cast out.

"My name just makes me think about how my father disowned me." Spencer said with a shrug. She used to have so much pride in her name. Hastings. It commanded respect. But she didn't feel like Spencer Hastings any more. She wasn't on the honor roll or academic decathlon president. She wasn't the youngest daughter. She wasn't the model convict that didn't cause the guards trouble.

Paige frowned. She opened her mouth to say something the same time the elevator doors opened. She held the elevator doors open and let Spencer get out before her. Once they were both in the hallway, she started speaking. "Clean slate. You can have one."

Spencer let out a bitter laugh. "If it were that easy."

"Okay so your past is always behind you." Paige waved her hand. "But you're still there, locked in by who you were in high school and who you were in prison. And who you thought you were supposed to be. You don't realize that that you have the key. You can get out. You can walk out the door and through the gates to this future. And maybe you do go out the door, and think it's too bright outside and retreat. That's okay. Just don't deadbolt yourself inside and hide in the shadows. Because you're free Spencer. If only you let yourself take that first step."

The two of them were quiet as they stood in front of the door. Paige was sincere and she meant every word with every heave of her chest. She knew Paige was right. She was free to leave. She was the one that kept herself caged. The shackles around her wrists and ankles weren't there. It was all in her head. She just had to break free. It could be as easy just moving forward.

To just keep going.

Spencer crossed her arms and smirked. "Is this an example of that hard sound you bring in front of the opposing council?"

"Yeah. I always bring it. I'm a closer." Paige cocked her head to the side, accepting the ribbing good-naturedly.

"I'll keep that in mind." Spencer leaned against the wall as she waited for Paige to realize she needed to unlock the door so they could get inside.

"Oh." Paige ducked her head sheepishly. She took her keys out of her pocket and got the front door open. "So what name?"

Again Paige let Spencer go in first.

"Hmm?"

"What name would you choose to go by?"

"Well. I like Spencer."

"I like Spencer too. And you do look like a Spencer." Paige said as they went into the kitchen. She went to a cabinet and pulled out two glasses. She set them down at the kitchen island. "Sit." Spencer did as she was told and Paige went to the fridge and took out a pitcher of water. She poured water into both glasses. "How about Lyons? Spencer Lyons."

"Spencer Tigers." Spencer chuckled.

"Spencer And Bears." They both said before breaking into laughter. She and Paige definitely had the same sense of laughter. _The Wizard of Oz _was still on the brain after watching it with Teddy last night. She had really enjoyed it. But kept asking about things that were from _Wicked, _the movie based on the musical based on the book based on the movie they had watched.

"My mom's maiden name was Quinn." Spencer said sadly. Her mom had changed it back after the divorce.

"Yeah." Paige's tone matched hers "You could change it legally. I can look into the actual procedure. I don't think there would be any problem. After notifying... the victims' families."

"Or Sinclair." Spencer was struck with a thought. "I always liked that name." It was a good name. She took a sip of water. "Or I could always stick with Hastings and try to redeem it. Make it less bloodthirsty. And yeah. As long as I'm not trying to commit fraud or get out of parole or out of paying the Dilaurentis and St. Germain families, I could change it."

"Well, whatever you decide. You can consider yourself a Fields." Paige nodded. "You're stuck with us." The were both quiet for a beat.

"I should go check up on Teddy and Dantes." Paige pushed through the door, and like that she was alone.

She wondered if Paige understood the meaning of what she said. She meant that she wasn't alone. They were her family. But Paige didn't know she coveted her family. Paige didn't know how jealous she was that Emily wore her ring and that Teddy called her "Mama." It screwed with her head. But she had to take steps away from the things she couldn't have.

Maybe she'd get somewhere she needed to be. She could be Emily's friend again. She could be Paige's friend. And she could be Aunt Spencer. She could make things right with Hanna. And she could make it up to Aria.

"Still asleep. Dantes was watching over her so I relieved him of guard dog duty." Paige came back into the kitchen with the chocolate pitbull trotting after her. She had washed the sweat from her face and had her eye patch back in place. She had a towel on her shoulder and another folded towel in her hand.

"Good boy." Spencer beamed, as she accepted the towel from her. She put in around her neck. Then she went to crouch down next to him and pet him on the head. She whispered to him. "Keep them safe."

Dantes shook his head and his ears flopped. Spencer laughed. Paige set down a bowl of water for him. He plodded over to his bowl and drank. The two women watched him.

"You should walk him later." Paige said.

"Can Teddy come?" Spencer asked. She knew how much the little girl wanted to walk Dantes with her the last time she was over.

"Uh. Sure." Paige said slowly. "Once she wakes up. Weather is supposed to be warmer for the rest of the day. We'll just get her bundled up. What are your plans for today?"

"Working at the shop. And that's pretty much it." Spencer looked down at her shoes.

"If you're not sick of us yet want to join Tedge and I for lunch? You're more than welcome. Em will be at the hospital all day." Paige said.

"I don't know." Spencer chewed on her bottom lip as she eyed her sneakers. They were pretty beat up and worn. They were okay to run in. She didn't have to worry about blisters if she kept running in them.

"Whatever you choose. We're probably going to stop by for a visit, so brace yourself for a tackle hug at some point during the day. Constant vigilance!" Paige chuckled, as she sat at the kitchen island. Spencer joined her. "Banana?" She thrust a banana in her face.

"Okay, Mad Eye." Spencer smirked and took the fruit. She paused in the middle of peeling it when Paige raised an eyebrow. "What? I can't give you a nickname?"

"Just never took you for someone that read _Harry Potter." _Paige was smiling and it was hard not to join her. "Like after infancy you just jumped into Victor Hugo, Vonnegut and Goethe."

"I read _Harry Potter. _And I uh, had the time to reread it." Spencer cast her head down.

"I read the first book to Teddy. I'm sure she didn't get most of the nuances."

Dantes barked. Spencer looked over at him, but Paige was turned toward the door. Emily was standing there, hand on the swinging door. Spencer's mood instantly lifted at seeing her. She found herself filled to the brim by the warmth and comfort the woman had given her just by staying with her during the night. She then noticed what had been concealed by the dark and by a comforter. Emily was wearing blue shorts that showed off the skin of her gorgeous thighs and a grey shirt that gave the hint of her curves. Spencer had a better appreciation of how stunning Emily could look in something so simple. She realized that Emily was glancing at her curiously and also that her jaw was opened and to cover this up she shoved the banana into her mouth and took a huge bite.

Emily headed towards what Spencer guessed was a coffee maker. It was sleek and shiny, another machine with a touch screen to operate it. Another robot. It seemed like everything in the kitchen had one. The fridge. The stove. The dishwasher. Maybe even the kitchen sink.

"You guys went for a run?" Emily asked, as she poured herself a cup of coffee. She put in some sugar, and Spencer counted eat spoonful. One. Two. So much more sweeter than the way she herself drank her coffee. But that was Emily.

She took another bite of her banana.

"Yeah." Paige nodded towards her. "Spencer is almost as fast as me." Her tone was teasing.

And Spencer felt the need to fire back quickly. But of course her mouth was still full with banana. "Almost had you," came tumbling from the corner of her mouth.

Emily smiled but she looked queasy. Spencer swallowed her banana and felt ashamed for talking with her mouth full. It was a disgusting habit she couldn't blame on prison, since she had it going in. When she got impatient and needed to quickly move on to the next task, or when something just needed to be said, the words came out before she could swallow either her meal or her words.

Her mouth had been the source of a lot of trouble early on. She said the wrong thing to the wrong person and got a scar on her lip to remind her. She would need to be quiet. She forgot her lessons.

She shook her head.

That wasn't right. No punishment was coming her way. Emily wouldn't do that.

Still the tip of her tongue rolled over where her lip had been torn when she couldn't keep her mouth shut. She recoiled as if she was feeling the blow again. She took a deep breath. And another and tried to focus on the present.

"Tempting offer." Emily was smirking at Paige, her pointer finger against her soft cheek. "But like I said I need to take a quick shower and get to work."

She left the kitchen. Paige leaned against the counter, a smile still lingering on her face. "That woman will be the death of me."

"Me too." Spencer whisper.

Paige turned to her, and was quiet for a moment. "What about you?" Spencer held her breath, sure that she had been found out. "You have time for breakfast? We have the fixing for omelettes or pancakes. Or waffles."

Spencer nodded, breathing again. "Uh. Yeah. My shift starts at 9."

"Good. Plenty of time. After you... shower you can help me with breakfast."

They fell quiet again. The shower yesterday was awkward for her. All the crying was awkward for her, and having Paige see her so vulnerable was something she didn't know how to address. Then there was Emily. She woke up with the woman's arm around her. It had been the most peaceful night of sleep she had in a long while. Emily could keep the nightmares at bay.

But that realization was not freeing.

How could she take a step forward if this was what she was chained to?

Her eyes flicked over to Paige; afraid she could what was on Spencer's mind. The other woman looked deep in thought as well as she washed out the mug Emily had used. Her focus went back to Paige's hands. She was moving a sponge in meditation, like she was trying to divine answers.

Emily came back into the kitchen, dressed in jeans and a pink salmon cardigan, a duster coat draped over her arm. Spencer caught her eyes for a second, but then Emily went over to Paige and gave her a chaste kiss on the lips. Paige pulled Emily against her. Their bodies pressed together and the kiss went on for longer than Spencer could bare.

Spencer looked hard at the bowl of fruit on the kitchen island. She started counting each fruit. Paige and Emily had kissed in front of her before. But this one kiss made her gut buzz and her chest burn. Her hands tingled.

"Uh. I'll see you tonight." Emily sounded flustered.

"Yeah?" Paige's voice was low and husky, full of desire. "I put your shopping bags up in our closet by the way. I didn't peek. But I can't wait for my surprise."

Emily smacked her wife's arm playfully. "Well, you're going to have to wait a bit longer. Your surprise needs more planning."

"Bye. Have fun with Teddy." Emily laughed. "Spencer?"

Hearing her name, Spencer ducked her head. She swallowed the lump in her throat. Her hands went to her lap and waited on what Emily was going to say next.

"Bye." She was worried. And why wouldn't she be. Spencer had a breakdown in the woods, burst into tears on top of Emily while they were both on the living room floor, and then had a nightmare and needed to be held like a child. Not to mention she had cried all over Paige twice.

"Bye." Spencer said suddenly feeling confused, not looking up at her. She didn't know if she could look at her at the moment.

"Bye, Em." Paige said goodbye one more time, but didn't go in for a kiss. She saw from the corner of her eye that the lawyer had squeezed Emily's hand instead.

Spencer heard the front door close. Paige took her seat at the kitchen island. "Sorry about that."

"About what?"

"If that all was a little much?" Paige looked apologetic. "I get kinda hungry and horny after a workout."

"Oh." Spencer pursed her lips. Paige was being sincere about this, making her feel even worse. "No. I understand completely. I mean Emily is... And you're... No. You two are married. It's great that you both still can't keep your hands off of each other." She was fumbling over her words. "I'm going to take that shower now." She stood up.

"Do you need help?" Paige asked, her eye going wide. Spencer thought she must have sounded insane.

"No!" Spencer said quickly. She took a calming breath as she put her hand on the door. "No. I can manage on my own."

Paige still looked concerned. Thoughts of yesterday causing the blood to rush to Spencer's cheeks. So she tried harder. "Please?"

"You know what? I could use a shower to." Paige stood up.

"Uh." Spencer sputtered. Paige gave her a weird look as she pushed through the kitchen door ahead of her.

"The towels are in the cabinet by the sink." Paige headed down the hall. "Let me set it up for you."

Spencer watched her go. She shook her head to clear it and went to grab her bag to put it back in the guest room.

She pulled out some clothes. She didn't think she could pull off her old style even if the clothes were still in fashion. So she had picked up some jeans and slacks to go with the most toned down of button ups and shirts with patterns on them. She had a lot of shirts with birds on them. Now she had tattoos of some. The thought made her smile wryly.

Paige walked out of the bathroom. "All set." Spencer just nodded and Paige left.

She picked out black slacks and a plain white t-shirt, planning to just throw a sweater over it. She went to the bathroom, and the lights turned on automatically. She set her clothes on the sink and grabbed a towel from the cabinet. It was fluffy and baby blue. She held it against her face. Then she set it on the lid of the toilet where she could easily reach it.

Then she got out of her running clothes. She pulled off the teal top and the thermal layer she had under it. Next came the sports bra. Then the leggings, different from the sweats she would have worn normally. When she finished undressing, she stepped into the tub and stared at the touch screen.

It wasn't lit up like yesterday.

But when she touched it hesitantly, it lit up and a stream of water started flowing. It startled her, but then she relaxed when the warm water flowed over her shoulders and back. She let out a moan. So much for that cold shower.

Paige's hands looked like they could be rough, but also gentle. They reminded her of Semi's hands. Soft, but calluses that couldn't be avoided. Long slender fingers. They were so loving. A warm caress that quickly turned into an electrifying touch, that started a jolt down in her core that sent tingles across every inch of her body. That made her toes curl and her eyes roll back.

She missed Semi. She missed those hands. She closed her eyes and tried to feel them on her again. Fingertips to skin. A ghost she needed to be haunted by.

Her own hand snaked down in between her legs, in between her folds. With her middle finger, she traced gentle circles against her clit. She added her index finger, making her movements harder and faster. She angled her hand to avoid the bandage on her palm.

She moaned, "Semi. Please."

Spencer could picture Semi's face. There would be a smirk on it by now. Her brown eyes would be twinkling. She'd pressed into her so that Spencer would be pinned to the wall. And that would be what was holding her up after Semi made her come and her knees gave out. That was until she got the stamina built up in her muscles.

Semi would whisper in her ear, her voice husky and dripping with lust, everything she was going to do her body. She would bite her earlobe and then kiss her throat, before moving up to her mouth.

Spencer's head went back as she exhaled hard and licked her lips. The water washed down her back. Her other hand went up to her breast. She cupped it and she could feel Semi teasing her nipple, pinching it hard. Then when it was nice and sore, Semi would soothe it with her tongue.

Semi would start on her clit; two fingers and then she'd be inside her. Even through the water, she could feel how slick and wet the memory was making her. Spencer moved her fingers and thrusted her fingers deeply. She canted her hips. Her abs clenched and she felt herself tighten around her fingers. Ripples of soft, silky muscles fluttered against her digits.

She was so close to orgasm, but she couldn't quite get there. She bit her lip in frustration. She pressed harder and thought of Emily. Emily in those shorts, and Emily in bed next to her. The night they could have spent together. Waking up next to Emily after being together, tangled limbs, skin to skin.

Emily would be brighter than the sun. And Spencer wouldn't be able to look directly at her, but Emily would take care of her. There would be a smile, and it would wash away her insecurities about being next to a goddess.

Spencer would try to get the words out. "Please... I need you." But she wouldn't have to. Emily would silence her fears with a kiss and she'd tell her, "I know."

Emily's lips, soft as she remembered, would kiss a trail down her neck and between her breasts. Spencer would dig her nails into Emily's shoulders when her teeth graze just below her belly button. Her hips would buck and Emily would get the message. "Em." She moaned. The water was hitting her in the face so she reached out and moved the showerhead. She held it in her hand, and considered the water hitting her thigh.

She moved the showerhead upwards and let the spray of water hit her sensitive clit. Her abs clenched again. She took a wider stance and held the showerhead between her thighs. She whimpered. "Em, please." She was close. She rocked her hips against the spray, gasping at the sensation. Then she held the spray steady against her clit, as long as she could bear.

"Emily..."

Her body tensed as she climaxed. Her mouth dropped open in a silent cry. Her body quaked for a bit until her stomach relaxed. Still, she had to catch her breath. It felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest. Or like something had been ignited inside. There was a spark.

She smiled softly and started to hum.

She washed her hair and soaped up her body. After rinsing off, she grabbed the towel and dried her body off, then dried off her hair. She worried about how her hair looked. Wild and untamed. She had left her brush in the bedroom. But compared to yesterday she looked better.

A good night's sleep next to Emily, that run with Paige, and that much needed release in the shower. It was like it peeled a couple of years off. Not much, but it still made her smile. And the smile only helped. She could look past the crinkling at the corners of her eyes and the strands of grey. She could even look past her broken nose and the scar on her lip. She felt confident for once.

Today could be a good day.

She hoped she could make her mood last.

She brushed her hair up into a partial ponytail, and went into the kitchen. Paige was pulling out a carton of eggs from the fridge. She was dressed casually, jeans and a red and white long sleeve baseball tee all under an apron. Spencer found it interesting that Paige could pull off expensive suits, but was so down to earth around the house. She could separate work from home.

That was good for Teddy. Spencer's parents never had time for her unless she was needed at the country club to complete the picture of the perfect family. Her mom and dad dressed for status and image over comfort.

"Hey... You look happy." Paige measured out flour.

"Yeah. That shower was just what I needed."

"The massage setting on that shower head really gets rid of the tension." Paige pulled out a mixing bowl with a smirk.

"So uh... what are we making?"

"Funny shape chocolate chip pancakes. With some hash browns and turkey bacon. So wash up." Paige threw an apron at her and she caught it before it hit her in the face. She looked at it questioningly. "Trust me. When our little sous chef is involved, things get messy." The door to the kitchen pushed open. "And that's her now."

Teddy came in rubbing her eye sleepily and holding Heddy the owl by the wing. But seeing Spencer woke the girl up instantly.

The girl ran up and attached herself to Spencer's leg. "You're still here!"

Teddy beamed up at her, and she knew she could never leave this kid. She could never leave that smile and those eyes. Because they never left her.

"Of course, Cub."

"Hey. Where's my good morning hug? I might get grumpy without it." Paige pouted, her hands on her hip. Spencer thought she looked ridiculous making that face with her eye patch on.

"Nornin' Mama!" Teddy ran over to her mother, who picked the girl up and smothered her in kisses. She started giggling and Spencer's heart swelled. Paige sat the girl down on the counter. "Where's Mommy?"

"Your mom is off saving lives, but she'll be home later to kiss you good night."

Teddy looked glum. "Okay."

"I know I'm not as awesome as your mom, but I am here." Spencer finished putting on the apron. "And she told me you are really good at making pancakes. So if you want I can be your assistant. What do you say?"

"You're going to help make pancakes?" Teddy asked.

"Yep. I have my apron on don't I?"

"Yay!" Teddy bounced up and down, clapping her hands together. She paused. "Hope you're a better cook than Mommy."

Spencer gave a bemused look at Paige, who was trying to stifle her laughter.

Paige explained, "Emily just burns things half the time. She melted a rice cooker once. But she's not that bad. Doesn't stop me from teasing her though. Your mom made pancakes just fine last time, Tedge."

"Yeah. She can cook pancakes okay. But not as good as you, Mama."

"Its the same recipe. I taught it to her. And we'll teach it to Spencer now."

"And the song too!" Teddy wiggled around on top of the counter.

"Yes. And the song."

"The song?" Spencer was confused.

"You have to sing the song or the pancakes won't taste as yummy. Mama made it up."

"Did she?"

"Yep."

"Let's hear it then."

"Pancakes are a treat. Fun to make and eat." Teddy started singing. When she realized she was singing alone, she gave Paige a look. "Come on, Mama. Sing with me. Pancakes can't be beat. They taste yummy sweet. Pancakes."

Spencer was the one grinning and trying to hold back her laughter. "Taste yummy sweet? Don't let that eye patch fool you, Paige McCullers is a marshmallow."

"Hey! I'm still hardcore. You try saying no to that adorable face!" Paige put flour into a bowl, and then pulled out a hand mixer and pointed at Teddy with it. "Kryptonite."

The little girl grinned, as if she knew exactly what being tiny and precious would let her get away with.

"She really looks like Emily."

"But Emily only uses her powers for good. And not evil. This one is going to be a lot of trouble when she starts dating." Paige pulled out a tiny apron and helped Teddy put it on. She set Teddy back down on the ground.

"Boys are gross."

"I hope you continue to feel that way until forever." Paige said glumly.

"I can't wait to see how you are when she does bring a date home."

"Ha. Emily is going to be so much more worse than me." Paige measured out more ingredients.

Teddy got pushed a stepping stool close to the kitchen island. "I wanna mix it."

Paige handed her the hand mixer. "Brace yourself."

The three of them got the pancakes made with minimal mess. Spencer played "What does this pancake look like to you?" with Teddy with the guesses of "India", "a turtle", "a crown," and "a rook" to name a few. And the little girl surprised her with knowing what a rook was.

After they finished breakfast, Spencer asked if she could clean up the kitchen while Paige got Teddy cleaned up. Paige hesitated for a beat, before consenting. She was glad that Paige wasn't going to treat her like she was broken or incapable of a task she had actually grown to appreciate.

Dishwashing was another way to keep her hands occupied. It was easy enough that she could mediated, with the repetitive motions. It was calming somehow, and there was satisfaction in the accomplishment of having done something with her hands. While soaping and rinsing the dishes, and scrubbing off the kitchen island wouldn't be seen as being in the same league as sculpting or playing a piece on the piano, something had been created.

The opposite of the destruction her hands could bring.

Teddy came back into kitchen excitedly wearing a purple sweater and a brown knit hat with round ears on top. "Okay! I'm ready. I got to wear my rainbow sockies. See!" The little girl tugged on the legs of her jeans, lifting up the cuffs to reveal rainbow socks. "Do you like them?"

"I love them. And your hat. Is that a bear hat? Did your mom make you that?"

"Mommy could buy you some. And we can be twinsies." Teddy let go of her jeans and jumped up and down. "And yep! It's a bear hat. I gots a tiger and a wolf one. But not a lion one."

"You're just full of energy this morning." Spencer grinned.

"Yesh! Where's Dantes! He should get ready too!" Teddy said in a pout. "I get sad because he might get cold."

Hearing his name Dantes plodded over to them. He nudged Teddy and she hugged him around his neck. "But Mommy said she bought him sweaters."

"Really?"

"Really." Paige came back into the kitchen with her phone up to her ear and a small sweater in the other. "Yeah. That was Spencer... We're about to put it on him... I'll send you a picture... Alright. Call you back." She held the sweater out to her.

Spencer took the sweater. It was a soft material, but she couldn't tell what it was made of. It was a shade of blue mixed with grey that made her think of the beach on a winter morning. She hadn't been to a beach in so long. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen the ocean. Felt the sand between her toes or watched the sunrise over the ocean.

Maybe someday she could.

For now she was stuck in the city.

"Come here, Dantes." Spencer crouched down and held her hand out to the chocolate colored dog. He padded over, his pink tongue panting in and out. He put his chin on her knee, and then plopped down to sit in front of her. She bunched up the sweater and pulled it over his head, and then got his legs through. "There ya go. Good boy."

Teddy came over and ran her hand over his head. "He's so cute!"

Dantes licked the girl's hand, and she giggled. Spencer smiled at both of them.

"Yes. I got it." Paige grinned. Spencer looked up at her confused. Paige showed her the screen of her phone. It showed a picture of Spencer grinning at Teddy and Dantes warmly, eyes shining and teeth exposed. The pitbull had his eyes closed, loving the attention he was getting. And the little girl was beaming up at Spencer. "Who's the marshmallow now?"

"Okay. You caught me. Now take one for Emily. So she can see how good he looks." Spencer got Dantes's leash ready while Paige snapped pictures of Dantes and Teddy together.

When the photo shoot was done, Spencer got his leash on then gave it to Teddy. "Let me grab my sweater. I'm the only one not wearing one. Tell Emily the color looks good on him."

When Spencer came back wearing a green sweater with a stripe across the chest, Paige had her leather jacket over her grey hoodie and Teddy was in her purple coat. It wasn't hard to guess what the girl's favorite color was. Paige had her field jacket ready for her. "Emily loved the photos."

"That's good. Teddy and Dantes are twice the amount of adorable." Spencer got her jacket on and zip up. The four of them went out into the hall. Teddy ran ahead of them with Dantes trotting quickly to keep up.

"Yeah. And that one with you in it. She liked that one."

Spencer stopped walking. She felt a panic rise in her chest. "You sent that to her?"

"Em is worried about you. And she's happy to see you smiling. To know you're doing okay." Paige put her hand on Spencer's shoulder, and she relaxed. Emily would want to know she was better, especially after what happened.

"About last night," Spencer let the words trickle out. "And yesterday with everything. I'm sorry."

"It's understandable." Paige said slowly. "I had nightmares, too. I would wake up with cold sweats. But then I'd wake up and see that Emily was okay. That she was there holding me. It got worse before it got better. Talking to someone really helped. I could give you their number."

"Like I can afford it."

"Spencer..."

"And I don't want you two to spring for it. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it."

"There's this support group. I do some pro-bono work for them from time to time."

"What. For ex-cons. Like AA? Meetings in church basements and stale sugar cookies?"

"Look I know why you keep refusing support. Or help in any form. I get it. I do. I didn't want to see anyone at first. I could work it all out on my own. Until I couldn't. I wanted to leave. I thought Emily and Teddy would be better off without me. They'd be safer. But I realized I had to get better for them."

"I'll try. I mean Eli has been trying to get me to go with her."

"Alright. And it's not a church basement. They have their own building. It used to be a firehouse. They offer information on housing and employment. Health care. Childcare. Emily coordinates with them for the hospital. Morales House."

"Yeah, I know." Spencer had been given their information when she left Muncy. But she had thrown it away. She already had a job and a place to stay all lined up all on her own back then, so she didn't need them. She hadn't wanted anyone's help. Especially a group whose purpose was to help out women that had been in prison.

She had wanted distance, not a reminder. She had enough of those when she looked in the mirror.

Or every time she closed her eyes and tried to sleep.

"Loud noises."

"What?"

"Loud noises. When a door slams or some old car backfires. My heart races and I can't breathe. Those are my triggers." Paige shared.

"It's people yelling for me if you haven't figured it out."

"You should tell her. I know we both try to shelter her, but she's seen bad things too. The worst things. And in that funny and fucked up way, she doesn't talk to me about most of her patients trying to shield me."

"She won't understand."

"Maybe she won't understand, but she won't judge."

"Hurry up! You guys are so slow." Teddy shouted at them from by the elevator.

"We're coming! You're just too fast for us." Paige told her daughter. She turned back to her. "Look. Like I said, whatever you decide."

Spencer just nodded.

The two of them made it to the elevator where Teddy had her arms folded across her chest, brows furrowed together not unlike her mother.

"Oh God. She has that face down. Is that genetic or did Emily teach it to her?" Spencer asked Paige. The elevator showed up and they got on.

"It's not fair. Really." Paige exhaled. "Teddy, I was talking to Spencer. What did we say about being patient?"

"Um. Mommy is always losing it when I do something bad?"

Paige chuckled. "No. Patience is a strength. You can wait for something while nurturing it. Then in the end you get something better than if you had rushed. But I get it. Patience is like a tiny muscle that you have to work out."

"Oh. Then Mommy needs to work out."

Spencer couldn't help but laugh. Teddy looked confused at why her two adults were laughing at her. "What? Mommy says she's always losing her patience. So she needs to work her muscle out. You both has a lot of muscles."

"Your mommy is the strongest woman I know, Cub. She has a lot of patience. Especially since she's married to your mama and has a daughter with lightning running through her veins."

"Okay." Teddy giggled. "But you're strong too, Spencer. Not just cuz you gots muscles. You have a lot of heart. Like the Tin Man got his heart. He had it the whole time! He just needed a reminder. Here." She wrapped her arms around Spencer's legs.

"Is this my reminder?" Spencer was choked up.

"Yeah."

The elevator doors opened up on the ground floor. Teddy let go of Spencer's legs but went to hold her hand.

"So we'll walk around for a bit at the park and then walk Spencer to work. Grab some hot chocolate. Sound good Tedge?" Paige asked as they walked through the lobby.

"Aww. Spencer can't hang out with us?"

"Maybe we can all have lunch?" Spencer said. Paige was right about not being able to say no to that face.

"Um. Can we get Korean food?"

"Sure. Hey, Jerry." Paige greeted the doorman. Sure enough it was a different man standing there. "What happened to Frank?"

"Mrs. Fields. And Little Fields! Good morning to you both. He had to get to his kid's school so I came in." Jerry greeted and then looked at Spencer with an air of curiosity mixed with suspicion. "Good morning to you too Ma'am."

"Mr. Jerry. This is my Spencer. And this is my Dantes."

"Hello." Spencer murmured as she looked away from him. She didn't like the way he was looking at her. It reminded her too much of some of the COs at Muncy.

"Catch you later, Jerry." Paige didn't stop for small talk like she had with the other doorman. She took Dantes's leash and then held Teddy's left hand. She led them out of the lobby.

Once they were out on the sidewalk, Paige let Teddy walk a little ahead of them. "Don't run off okay. I need to talk to Spencer some more." The little girl skipped ahead a bit. She stopped to pick up a stick. In a whisper, Paige asked, "Are you alright?"

"I just don't like how he was judging me with his eyes. Made me uncomfortable."

"Does that happen a lot?"

"Have you seen me? I don't exactly blend in."

"What because of your scar? Don't play that game with me because I'll win. Eye patch."

"I mean. You look respectable. Polished. This glow. Everyone looks at you and they can tell you're someone. Even when you're not in a suit, you look professional. And me I look like I've been in some scrapes. I have been." She had felt so good this morning. "My nose. My hair. My clothes. I look years older than you and Emily. I look like a thug. I look exactly like I've been where I've been for the last 15 years. An ex-con."

"That's not what gives it away." Paige said. She looked ahead to made sure Teddy wasn't too far away. Spencer couldn't look at Paige so she watched Teddy as well. The girl had stopped to look back at both of them, having heard Spencer raising her voice. She was chewing on her bottom lip, looking back at them as if debating as if she had to return to them and comfort someone.

"It's how you carry yourself. And it's in your eyes. It's more like this otherness about you. Like you have been through something. That you survived. If I didn't know you, I would have thought you were a veteran. Teddy did before she overhead Hanna. She asked Emily if you were, and these were her exact words, "a soldier like Pop Pop because sometimes they're both sad and I want to hug them til they smile." And I guess Teddy was right in a way. You didn't fight like Wayne did but you are in a war. And there will be battles lost, but there's the battles you'll win. Your scars. My scars. They mean we're survivors. Not victims."

Spencer knew Paige wasn't just talking about the scars she got from the letter bomb. There had been a conversation between the two of them. Well more so that Paige talked, and Spencer listened. She listened because the woman had shared with her moments from her past.

Spencer had been mad at first. It was like Paige was volunteering information in order to get Spencer to do the same. She knew the trap, had seen it inside. It was hard to trust people for Spencer even before prison, and being inside made it worse. And the one person she wanted to lash out at and be suspicious of was Paige.

But the conversation had only been about Paige and Alison. What Alison made Paige do to herself. What Paige had almost done.

And it made Spencer sick when she thought about how Paige had gone through all that when she was young and alone. Alison had made sure Paige had no one. And she didn't even know. She probably wouldn't have done anything if she had. She hadn't stopped Alison when she tormented Mona. Not when she threw Toby under the bus. And she sure as hell didn't stop Alison when she would tease Emily.

She had only seen what she wanted to. Whatever got her ahead, and Alison had helped with that.

She was certainly on top now.

But Paige, in spite of everything, was still Paige. She came through all of that and was still the person she was. Honorable and just. Altruistic. Some kind of white knight saving the day that put other people before herself. Emily was in good hands.

"And the scars you can't see? The ones you're trying to keep hidden. That's what you should tell someone about."

And Teddy was lucky to have her and Emily as parents. She was going to turn out well with them as examples as strong women. The experience they could share with her. The lessons they would give her.

But someone had to teach Teddy about the dark side of patience. There would be moments where you'd wait too long and you'd have missed out on the best thing. There was a balance. She knew that springing into action is what got her here, but waiting to move got her here just the same.

There was a fine line between patience and suffering. Seconds and years would pass then it would no longer be patience. It would be insanity.

Waiting could save you. But there were times where you'd have to close your eyes and leap.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She prayed that someone would catch her.

"I think I'm gay."


	22. Chapter 22

**Hey Readers. Sorry for the long wait for this chapter. I was traveling and then I was sick for week. But here it is! **

Head's up there is sex between Paily this chapter.

Thank you for the follows and reviews.

* * *

"Mona." Emily gritted her teeth.

"Thank you so much for visiting me." Mona leaned forward and clasped both her hands in front of her. The smile she had on was an odd combination of amused and deadly, like a cat that was toying with the mouse it caught. The woman sitting across from her was very reminiscent of the Mona she had known freshman year of high school. She was wearing glasses and a sweater vest; all that was missing were the pigtails.

But it was all camouflage. Mona was still a predator. A wolf among lambs. Well, Emily had claws too.

"This isn't a social call." Emily was channeling her cutting superior surgeon voice. When it appeared in the OR or outside a patient's room, it made an erring intern quake in his scrubs and the offending resident to side with her. It also convinced a few attendings to go with her line of treatment. It sounded suspiciously like her Mama Bear voice.

"Oh, come now Emily. I know you're someone who's used to throwing their weight around," She eyed her up and down. "But we have time for a nice chat, don't you think?" Mona said sweetly and it only soured Emily's mood.

"So, let's chat." Emily folded her arms across her chest and sat back against the chair.

"Is this your bedside manner? Your patients must love you."

Hanna put a hand on her lap. "Emily's patients do love her. And so do a lot of hospitals across the country. They're been trying to recruit her for their peds department. But she's staying in Philly."

"Oh. Temple or U Penn?" Mona asked.

"While they did make offers I'm going to stay at St. Luke's." Emily's brows furrowed.

"Staying in one place like that? Some would say that doesn't show," Mona paused to look Emily up and down. "Growth."

"Some would say it shows loyalty." Emily was glaring a hole through Mona, but the other woman seemed to shrug it off. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Hanna shift in her seat uncomfortably.

"Mhh. Loyalty. You know a lot about that, I suppose." Mona smiled, eyes wide. "I mean you got a lot of scholarship offers. USC and Auburn. But you stayed in state. At some program that was beneath you. Big fish in a little pond. Why is that? But I guess you can hide behind fear and call it loyalty."

"You know nothing about loyalty." Emily said steadily.

But Mona continued with her speech, as if Emily hadn't said anything. "That's not like you though. You're fearless. So why stay? You have a wife that would follow you anywhere. And that cute daughter of yours is still young enough to start somewhere new. Unless... it's for someone that can't leave. How is Spencer by the way?"

"Don't talk about her." Emily balled up her hands, straining not to raise her voice.

"Em." Hanna put a steadying hand on her own.

"Hanna told me she was out on parole." Mona cocked her head to the side.

Emily looked at Hanna feeling betrayed. She knew that the blonde was mad at Spencer, but telling someone that had tortured them that the woman was out and within reach was beyond rage. "You told her?"

"I was upset and it slipped." Hanna looked apologetic.

She sighed. Mona probably already knew about Spencer. She had a way of knowing these things.

"There are no secrets between me and Hanna. I'm sure it's the same way between you and Paige." Mona grinned knowingly.

Emily got out of her seat so fast it fell to the floor. She leaned forward against the table, as close as she could get into Mona's face. "Don't!"

"Emily!" Hanna whispered harshly, trying to rein her in.

"Let me guess. Don't talk about Paige either." Mona was smirking.

"Is there a problem here Ms. Vanderwaal?" The man in the polo shirt had come over to them.

"False alarm." Hanna smiled at him as she put a hand on her pregnant belly. "My friend gets excited easily. But no baby yet, Doc." She looked at Emily, pleading with her to play along.

The orderly seemed to believe her and picked up Emily's chair. She looked at him before she sat down. "She's right. I'm a doctor. I can manage this." He must have been familiar with annoyed doctors because he stepped back.

"Thank you, Paul." Mona waved him off, and he smiled at her.

"If you need anything, I'll just be over there." Paul nodded and went back to his seat.

"I'm done playing games." Emily leaned forward with her hands on the table.

"That's not how this works. I may have been taken off the board, but you're still in play." Mona stopped smiling. "You all are."

"You need to tell me who we're up against." Emily looked her dead in the eye.

"Please, Mona." Hanna asked nicely. Somehow Emily had ended up in the role of "bad cop" yet again.

"Chess." Mona nodded towards a chessboard in the corner. "Do you play?"

"No." Emily stated firmly. She didn't know how. It was more of Spencer's thing. She had wanted to teach her and had made promises to, but it ended up just being another thing the two of them never got to do.

They owned a chess set at home, a really nice one. Hand crafted from light and dark rosewood pieces, with a thick board on display in Paige's home office. It had belonged to Paige's father. Paige knew how to play chess. Nick McCullers had taught his daughter, and now Paige was starting to teach hers.

"You should pick it up. No one around here plays a good game. There's no challenge." Mona cocked her head to the side. She put her hands down in her lap and bowed her head. "Spencer and I. We're a lot alike."

"You two are nothing alike." Emily protested.

"More than you think. We're chained by things. And by people." Mona glanced at Hanna so quickly that Emily almost missed it. "A holds that over both of our heads."

If Emily understood Mona correctly, then Spencer did feel the same way and A knew. A was using that against Spencer somehow. Emily felt the bottom drop out and there was nothing to hold on to stop her from falling. Did A use Spencer's feelings to send her to prison?

Mona laughed. "I see you're figuring it out."

Emily spat venom. "What did you do?"

"It's not what I did. It's what Spencer did. For all of you." Mona put her hands on the table, but this time they weren't empty. She was rolling something between her thumb and finger. "The pieces of the puzzle are starting to falling into place. Well here's another piece, Doctor."

Mona placed what she was holding on the table. She spun it so quickly that it headed towards Emily's hand. It stopped spinning slowly and Emily picked it up. It was a blood red chess piece. It was a tall and slender, with a crown on top.

"Miss Vanderwaal." A young woman in a lab coat over a blouse and a pencil skirt came to their table, and Emily slipped the chess piece into her pocket. "I heard you had visitors. Hello again, Mrs. Rivers."

"Doctor Hu. Yes. But they were just leaving." Mona smiled up at the woman brightly. "Emily has a surgery and she's Hanna's ride."

"That's too bad I would have loved to have a chat with them but we need to start your session now if you're going to make it to work on time." Doctor Hu nodded and slipped her hands into her white coat.

"I'm a receptionist at a law firm." Mona beamed at Emily as she got out of her chair.

"Of course." Emily's face was stony. Mona had this act well rehearsed. She had everyone fooled. And it was pissing Emily off.

"Emily, right? I wish you a speedy recovery after your surgery." Doctor Hu said kindly. Emily wondered how long the woman had been out of med school. She wondered how long she had been out of diapers.

Hanna must have sensed how irritated she was so she answered for her. "Oh no. Emily is the surgeon."

"Right. Well happy cutting." Doctor Hu nodded. "We have to get started. Thank you both for dropping by."

"Bye, Hanna. And until next time, Emily Fields." Mona smirked and Emily gritted her teeth. So much for using a fake name.

Mona stopped walking. "Oh yes. One more thing before you go? Say hello to Paige for me." She held up her left hand as if to wave, but curled down the last three fingers of her hand.

Emily took a step towards Mona, fury flowing through her entire body. Hanna reined her in yet again. "Bye, Mona. Take care of yourself." When Mona and the young doctor were out of the visitor's room, Hanna looked at her. "What is wrong with you?"

"Take care of yourself? You should tell her to watch her back." Emily glared at the doors that Mona had gone through. "And that infant that's treating her. "Happy cutting." Like I'm some kind of butcher." She turned and started walking towards the front desk.

"Doctor Hu is nice. She is an intern between here and Radley, but you have to start somewhere. She coordinates with Wren."

"Mona told you that too?"

"Check the attitude. Okay?" They both stopped in the hallway. One side was made up of windows that let sunlight pour in. There was also a small table with two elegant armchairs as if the walk from the main room to the front desk was too much of a journey.

"This coming from you?" Emily had witnessed Hanna be absolutely brutal to Spencer when the woman was only trying to be friendly. Mona was still messing with them and Emily had only shown restraint. "You've done way worse to Spencer when Mona has hurt all of us."

Hanna bit her lip, and had the good grace to look ashamed. "I'm just looking out for you."

"I'm tired of everyone telling me that." Emily was the one trying to protect all of them. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "Sorry. I let her get to me." Mona knew bringing up either Paige or Spencer would rile her up. They were her berserk button. Mona was lucky Hanna was there to hold her back.

"When she said that about Paige, I thought you were going to leap over the table and strangle her."

"If you weren't there I would have." Emily said with regret. She didn't know if she was disappointed because she had come so close to crossing a line or because she hadn't taken that last step.

"You know Mona had nothing to do with what happened to Paige. Or Ezra." Hanna looked up and down the empty hallway, making sure they were alone. "She was up in New York drooling and staring at walls. You saw it with your own eyes."

Emily stared out one of the large windows. She knew Hanna was right. Mona's parents had her transferred from Radley to a better hospital in Saratoga to get her away from toxic Rosewood and away from Spencer, who ended up the scapegoat for Mona's "condition" in addition to everything else. Back then she was never lucid enough to be a credible witness. What she knew couldn't be trusted and apparently she didn't know very much.

That hadn't stopped Emily from leaving Teddy with her parents while Paige was in the hospital and driving the four hours up to Saratoga to shake Mona until all the answers came loose. And who was there to stop her but Dr. Wren Kingston.

_"Mona Vanderwaal." Emily stormed up to the front desk. _

_"I'm sorry?" The middle-aged woman sitting there looked up at her confused. _

_"I'm here for her." Emily figured that was enough of an explanation. That was easy enough to understand. _

_"Even if it were visiting hours, I'm afraid Patient Vanderwaal isn't allowed visitors at the moment." The woman stated firmly, but her hand was already on the phone and she was making eye contact with someone over Emily's shoulder._

_"Oh, you misunderstood me. That wasn't a request." Emily stepped away from the desk and made her way towards a set of double doors that she knew from experience lead to the rest of the hospital. She also knew these doors needed a security code or ID to get through. She hadn't thought that far ahead. _

_"Security!" The woman called out behind her._

_She heard someone call out behind her, telling her to stop. She was just in front of the doors when they buzzed open. She was surprised for a second to see Wren Kingston walking through. But then... of course he would be here._

_"Emily Fields."_

_"Mona. Where is she?" Emily growled._

_The security guard was close enough to make a grab for her. She saw him out of the corner of her eye, hesitant. Wren waved him off. "We're okay here." _

_"No. We're not. Take me to Mona now." Emily took a step towards Wren and he had the good sense to back up._

_"I get that you're upset." Wren tried. He looked flustered, and like he was beginning to regret sending the guard away. "Hanna called to say you were going to show up. She was worried. She also told me about what happened to your wife. My condolences. But Mona wasn't responsible."_

_Emily felt her jaw clench. Hanna had called ahead. So much for having the element of surprise on her side. They could have covered their tracks and destroyed evidence. She didn't know who they were, but things like that had happened in the past. Videos would go missing and pages from autopsy reports would be stolen. _

_But Emily looked him dead in the eye. "Is that so?"_

"_Yes. I shouldn't be telling you this," Wren looked around to make sure they wouldn't be overheard. "Mona's had a relapse. More of a danger to herself than anything. She had to be restrained. But now she's under heavy sedation that I'm administering myself and in seclusion being watched around the clock. So believe me when I say this wasn't Mona."_

_Emily scoffed. "I don't believe you." _

"_Then I'll take you to see for yourself." Wren said, his usually amicable tone gone. _

_Emily knew that if he was going to bend the rules for her, then he was a man that would bend the rules for any one. Including himself._

"That doesn't mean she's innocent." Emily started walking again.

"Emily." Hanna called after her. "Wait up. Still pregnant here."

She stopped. She was taking her irritation out on the wrong person. She just couldn't understand why Hanna was still loyal to someone that had tortured them, when she didn't offer the same thing to Spencer. "What I don't get is how you can still defend her when Spencer didn't hurt you?"

"Mona hurt me. The most out of all of us. Yes. But I'm responsible for that. I'm responsible for her." Hanna closed her eyes in regret.

"Hanna that's not your fault."

"I tell myself that sometimes, but I never believe it. And you do the exact same thing." Hanna sat down in one of the chairs. Emily let her continue talking. "When Spencer confessed, I didn't think for a second that she was A. It was another setup. But then she didn't want our help. She drove us away. She drove you away. And that hurt you. So she's responsible for that. All those hours you spent worrying over her, wondering how she was doing. If she was okay. You wrote her letters. You drove there to visit. But nothing. And every time she rejected you, you threw yourself into the arms of some random girl. A different party every night. Your dorm room was a revolving door our freshman year. I'm surprised you didn't get kicked out. But thank God you had Paige. Your anchor through all that crap. You were so close to the edge. I thought-" Hanna started crying.

Emily felt guilty. Hanna had never told her this. After she lost Maya, she had been reckless. She couldn't even remember some nights while she had been in Haiti. Then what happened with Spencer. She had pulled it together enough her senior year to graduate and get scholarship offers. But once she got to Penn State, the nights after she got turned away or she got a letter back unopened were spent with someone that wanted her and a shots of something that burned her throat. Emily had been so close to losing her eligibility to swim on the team and her scholarship.

Paige.

That's who saved her. Even when she was at Princeton, Paige looked after her. Phone calls. Emails. Texts. And visits. At the risk of her own first serious girlfriend.

But that relationship hadn't lasted. And when Paige had shown up one night her sophomore year in tears over her break up with Daphne, Emily asked her flavor of the week to leave so she could console her friend. That was the moment she had started seeing Paige as more than a friend that night as she was holding her and telling her that Daphne was a moron and any girl would be lucky to be with her. Emily realized she was the moron, and that she would be lucky to be with Paige.

_There was a knocking on the door. Emily groaned and curled tighter around the warm body lying next to her. She could go back to sleep and Hanna could get the door._

_As the knocking continued she remembered her roommate was back in Rosewood for the weekend visiting her mom. This made her groan louder. She was awake now and couldn't pretend no one was at the door. It would be rude not to greet the crazy asshole and see what could possibly be so important at 4 in the morning. _

_If it was one of the dicks from down the hall, someone was going to get punched._

_She untangled herself from the girl she had brought home. Claire. Her hazy mind supplied the name. They had flirted a couple of times around campus and she just happened to be at the same party Emily went to so she could forget about the growing number of unopened letters in the back of her closet. _

_She spent a minute searching for her shirt in the dark. She found her shirt where it had landed during her rush to get Claire into bed. She snatched it up and pulled it over her head as she went into the living room. _

_The person on the other side of the front door had relented in knocking and Emily hoped they were still there so she could berate them for interrupting her sleep. _

_Emily checked to see who was at the door through the peephole. The person she found standing there made all the anger and irritation leave her body. She unlocked the door and pulled back the security chain. _

"_Paige?" Her friend was in the hall, shoulders slumped and arms embraced around herself. She looked utterly defeated with red-rimmed eyes. Almost like that night when Paige had shown up on her porch to apologize. All that was missing was Paige being soaked to the bone and her bike. The self-loathing though, that was present._

"_Em. Did I wake you? Of course I did." Paige squeezed her eyes shut and winced. "Stupid."_

"_Oh sweetie, no." Emily pulled her inside and shut the door behind them. She made sure it was locked before taking Paige into her arms. "You waking me up when you're upset is not stupid. Never stupid. Now tell me what happened."_

_"I messed up." Paige wrapped her arms tight around Emily, like an anchor that stopping her from drifting over the edge. She was shivering, but Emily suspected that it had more to do with what was wrong than the fact that the other girl wasn't wearing a jacket. _

_Emily gently led Paige to the couch and sat them down. "What's wrong?" She took the other girl's hands into her own. They were freezing._

_"I am. I'm what's wrong. Wrong for Daphne." Paige sniffled. "She broke up with me." _

_Saying those words out loud caused a look of agony to overtake Paige's face as her eyes glistened with tears. Emily's heart broke for Paige. She knew that Daphne meant the world to her friend. While she was happy for her, Emily never really liked Daphne for Paige. But she made Paige ecstatic and she deserved to feel that._

_Emily was about to explode into a rant on what a bitch Daphne was went the sound of a throat being cleared cut her off._

_Claire was standing in the doorway to her bedroom, just wrapped in the bed sheet from Emily's bed. "Emily?"_

_Emily grimaced. With Paige showing up she had forgotten that the thin, brunette was over. Paige looked at Claire and then back at her. Her half dressed state and mussed up hair were a dead give away to what activity the two of them have been engaged in hours before Paige had arrived._

"_Oh." Paige shot up off the couch. "You have company over. I'm sorry. I should go."_

"_No, Paige. Claire was just leaving." Emily shot the other girl a pleading look. In all their conversations together, Claire had never given any indication that she didn't understand what a hookup meant. No strings attached and a little fun. Emily did have a reputation around campus, so the other girl shouldn't have expectations. _

"_Uh... yeah." Claire gave her a weak smile before backtracking into the bedroom. _

_A few minutes later, Claire had on her dress and holding her pumps as she made her way to the door. She paused with her hand on the door handle. Emily wondered what the problem was. She caught Claire's eye. The other girl mouthed the words "Call me," before slipping out._

_Emily ran a hand through her hair. She hoped Paige hadn't witnessed that. She turned back to her friend._

"_Sorry." Paige was still standing. She had ducked her head and was staring at the floor. _

_Emily stood up and pulled her back down on the couch. "Look at me."_

_She continued talking once Paige looked up at her. "You didn't do anything wrong. You're amazing. And if Daphne could walk away from you, then she's an idiot. In fact, anyone would be stupid to not want to be with you. You're perfect."_

_Paige let out a bitter bark of a laugh. "Right." _

_"No, you are. You're understanding. You're patient. And caring. Selfless." Emily listed everything Paige was. Everything she loved about her. She would drop everything and come running if Emily ever need her. She put others before herself. Paige's brown eyes were full of emotion and they were so easy to get lost in. Paige's hands were just as expressive, lively and animated when she spoke, and so comforting when Emily needed to be held after Spencer turned her away. "You're everything."_

_Paige ducked her head bashfully and a strand of hair fell across her face with that shy little grin of hers that Emily loved so much. _

"_And you're adorable." Emily was glad she finally a smile out the other girl. She leaned forward and put that strand of hair back behind Paige's ear. "Anyone would be lucky to have you."_

_That was when Emily realized that she was lucky to have Paige, sitting across from each other and their knees touching. She was stupid not to want Paige, who was everything she wanted._

_She wanted Paige._

From that moment on, Emily had seen Paige in a different light. They had started dating again sometime later after Emily had pursued Paige. They had made their long distance relationship work, which lead to them both going to school in the same city then sharing a bed in their first apartment. It was Emily that had proposed and just like that they were married and starting a family.

Yet she hadn't stopped thinking about Spencer though. The girl would enter her mind sometimes when a certain song came on, a movie played or there was just a hint of something in the air, like a caress on her skin. In those fifteen years, she still saw Spencer as that girl, her friend that was always defending her and the one she fell for. All the same reasons she fell for Paige.

"I know how you feel about Spencer. I was the first person you told and I was ready for you to be happy again after Maya." Hanna gave her a pained expression. "But that wasn't what Spencer did. She made you worse until Paige saved you. And now that Spencer's back you're starting again. That kiss... You're not a teenager anymore. You're married and you're a mother. There's no room to be so reckless."

Emily was taken aback. Hanna, of all people, was telling her to grow up. She had never heard her friend sound so disappointed with her being the cause. She wasn't the only one that thought she was making a mess of things.

She knew the blonde was right. She had complicated things between her and Spencer. The other woman was still nervous around her and the only times the two of them had been alone together, Spencer had been sobbing. She only seemed to be at peace when she was asleep. Calm and relaxed right there in her arms.

Emily wished Spencer could be like that when she was awake. That she could finally have her freedom. It was one of the reasons why she needed to put an end to A. Once and for all.

"Spencer needs me. I will never turn my back on someone that needs me. She's my friend." Emily's brow furrowed defiantly and she spoke defensively.

"I get it. But your friend is all she can be." Hanna said.

Emily looked away guiltily. "Let's go. I still have a scheduled surgery."

"I hope you know what you're doing, Em." Hanna sighed.

Emily wanted to say that she knew exactly what she was doing, but that wasn't the truth. She had no idea what she was doing. She didn't really have a plan, and was making things up as she went along. She was saved from having to say otherwise by her phone ringing.

Paige was calling.

"Hey Babe." Emily greeted her wife.

"So someone is clean and dressed after making a mess in a kitchen. And she wants to tell you all about it." Paige sounded amused. In the background, Emily could hear Teddy giggling as her wife handed their daughter the phone.

"Hi Mommy!" Teddy was always so cheerful, and the perfect example of endless child excitement for everything. Even if it was just talking to her mother on the phone. Emily knew here would be a time where she would be the last person her daughter would want to talk to so for she was going to take advantage of every opportunity while she still could.

"Hi Baby Girl. How are you?"

Hanna was watching her with a disapproving look. She was lying to her family. They thought she was at the hospital. Instead she was off playing detective. Paige wouldn't like that she was talking to someone that had tortured them. Paige wouldn't like that she was lying. Emily didn't know what would hurt her wife more. That she had kissed Spencer or that she had kept it for her.

"We made pancakes with Spencer. They were yummy." Teddy hummed and the she was quiet for a beat. "I miss you."

"Sorry I wasn't there when you woke up."

"It's okay. I still love you. You gots to save lives and fix owies."

"I'll be there when you guys make pancakes next time."

"Spencer's a good helper. She even sang the song!_"_

"She did?" Emily smiled softly and wished she could have be there to witness that for herself. "That was sweet of her. What are you guys going to do now?"

"Um. We're gonna walk Dantes."

"Your mama and Spencer are going to take you out?" Emily was curious. Paige and Spencer were spending a lot of time together. Her friend was still uncomfortable around her. Paige could make anyone feel at ease. She just had to flash her charming smile and it was all over. You felt safe and protected that moment on.

"Yesh."

"Make sure you put your coat on. It's too cold for tiny persons."

Teddy giggled. "I know, Mommy. And I'm going to wear my hat, too." The line fell silent as if the little girl was pondering something. "How bout Dantes? He gots no coat!"

"He does have a coat, but not like us. He has his fur. But it might not be enough." Emily explained.

Teddy gasped. "Oh no! Poor Dantes."

Emily almost laughed at how serious her daughter sounded, like it was the worst thing in the world. "Well" Emily drew the word out. "Good thing I bought him a sweater."

"You did?"

"Yes. Let me talk to your mama."

"Okay, mommy. I love you. Muah."

Emily smiled at her daughter. The girl was so loving. Just like her mother.

"Hey Love."

"Hi." Emily gushed and her heart swelled. A warmth spread across her cheeks. Paige could still make her feel like when they had first started dating, back when she had pulled her up on stage to sing in a rustic bar. "Teddy said you were talking Dantes for a walk."

"Yes. Spencer asked if Teddy could come when she brought Dantes on his walk." Paige said slowly.

Emily pursed her lips. Spencer was still asking for permission to do things. It was such a jarring thing to witness. Spencer had never been so submissive. She had always been so sure of herself, so confident. Emily had admired that trait in her.

Emily made no comment on it.

"Well, I told Teddy she needed to wear her coat. Make sure she has her mittens and a hat. And you too. Bundle up. I'm serious. And Spencer as well." Emily added. Spencer in spite of everything still had her pride. Emily wondered if that ratty, old field jacket kept her warm. She wanted to buy Spencer a better coat. "Since I don't want Dantes left out, I bought him something to keep him warm."

"Did you now?" Paige sounded amused.

Emily could hear Paige smirking over the phone. She had been the one hesitant about taken Dantes into their home. Now she was buying him sweaters so he would be warm and look cute.

"Yes I did. Sweaters."

"Wow. Pleural." Paige teased.

"I bought them yesterday after I bought your surprise. Which I still haven't decided when to give you or if I should give it to you at all." Emily teased right back. Hanna rolled her eyes.

"Okay. You win."

Emily heard Paige walk to the closet and then listened to her rummage through the bags. "These are adorable."

She had picked out four. There were solid blue, maroon, and grey ones. The green one was striped. She thought those colors would look great with his chocolate brown coat. Dante's was a really handsome dog.

"You do realize you're a dork for buying these?"

"Your surprise."

"Shutting my mouth."

"Let's see how the blue one looks." She liked that particular shade of blue. It reminded her of the ocean during a storm.

"You want me to send pictures?"

"But of course."

"Well I left Dantes with Spencer in the kitchen."

"How is she?" Emily asked. Hanna crossed her arms and shook her head.

Paige paused. "Pretty good. Considering what happened."

"Should she be alone?"

"Emily." Her wife sighed. "Don't treat her like she's going to break."

"I don't do that."

"You do."

"Just go to her."

"Alright... Teddy, don't run inside." Paige must have been making her way to the kitchen from the bedroom.

"Your daughter running again?" Emily smirked.

"When she does something bad, she's my daughter. But when she's adorable and cute, she's yours." Paige muttered.

"You're adorable and cute too but you run inside the apartment all the time. You just ran down the hall last week." Emily teased.

"I thought we were going to have some fun." Paige suggested.

"Until you slipped and bruised yourself all over." Emily laughed at the memory. "Great example for our daughter."

"Yeah, well." The squeak and swoosh of the door opening and closing came over the phone. She heard Teddy's melodious voice followed by what had to be Spencer's husky one asking a question.

Paige answered her with an amused "Really."

"Are you with Spencer? Are you guys making fun of the sweaters?" Emily pouted.

Hanna heaved herself out of the chair. She shook her head and started walking towards the front desk as if she couldn't stand to be witness to this any longer.

"Yeah. That was Spencer." Paige answered.

"Well then hurry up and get the sweater on."

"We're about to put it on him."

"Don't forget to take pictures and send it them to me. And ask Spencer what she thinks of them." Emily rushed out in order to catch up with Hanna.

"I'll send you a picture."

"Can't wait to see it. I got to go. But call me back later? I want to talk about what happened with you since we didn't get a chance this morning." Emily started walking faster to the front desk. She wanted to make sure Paige was okay with her spending the night with Spencer after never making it to bed in the first place.

"Alright. Call you back." Paige hung up.

Emily put away her phone. She took her visitor's ID off and handed it back to the woman. Hanna had already turned hers already.

"Thank you." The woman took the small badge back. Then she set the visitor's log in front of her. "Now you just need to sign out Miss Adler."

Emily looked up at the clock and wrote the time down. She scribbled down a signature for her fake name. She was glad that the woman wasn't a Sherlock Holmes fan. She set the pen down and smiled at the woman. "Thank you."

"You all have a nice day."

"You too." Emily nodded and stepped away. Hanna was already pushing through the door. She jogged after her friend.

"Hanna!"

The blonde stopped and turned to glare at her. "I'm sorry. I thought you were in a hurry to get to your surgery."

Emily sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Look I'll tell Paige I went to see Mona."

"Are you really? Or is it going to get filed right next to "Kissing Spencer" under "Things I'm Going to Keep from Paige?" Hanna threw her hands up. She then put her hands on her hips. "Why did you come here Emily?"

At first Emily had come here was out of irritation at Paige and Spencer playing detective in order to protect her. But Spencer's breakdown in her arms and then her nightmare, all that fear and terror. She needed to put a stop to all of it.

"For Spencer?" Hanna asked.

"If you could see past your anger for her, you'd see how much she was hurting. How afraid she was. How damaged she was. Is." Emily's brow furrowed and Hanna looked away.

"Let's just get you back to the city." Hanna walked to her car and Emily did the same.

Her phone went off. She had just gotten a message. Both of them tensed. Emily took her phone out.

"It's just Paige." Emily relaxed but Hanna sighed. She ignored her and looked at the picture she had received.

It was a picture of Spencer, grinning wide at Teddy hugging Dantes, who was did look handsome in the blue sweater. Her daughter was wearing the knit bear hat she had made for her, round brown ears sticking up. Dantes's pink tongue was just the slightest bit out. It was a perfect picture made all the more heartwarming because of Spencer's smile.

It felt like Emily would never see that smile again. It was wonderful to know that the woman could still find joy in the little things. In her eyes, Emily could see the spark she thought had gone out. She knew now that that light had just been dimmed. Spencer's entire face was just lit up. So bright.

Emily couldn't help but smile too.

She sent a quick message to Paige. "Can't talk yet. I'll just call you. Thanks so much for the pic. So happy to see Spencer smile. I love you."

"Paige must have sent you a steamy text. I hope that's what's got you smiling so hard." Hanna said from the backseat.

Emily rolled her eyes. "Is that all you think about?"

"I'm having sex so I don't need to think about it." Hanna said confidently.

"She sent me a pic. And no. Not that kind of pic." Emily started the engine. She looked in the rearview mirror and backed out of the parking space. She watched as Hanna went into her bad and took out her phone. "Can I please take a look Em? Since you asked so nicely Hanna, of course you can."

"Pfft." Hanna rolled her eyes. "You know I was going to look. Even if it was for your eyes only. Paige has an amazing body."

"Hanna."

"What! This isn't news to anyone with eyes. Your wife is hot." Hanna sat back and looked at the picture. She was quiet for so long that Emily tensed up. "She doesn't look like crap when she smiles."

"Is that you being nice?"

"I'm making an effort." Hanna put her phone back into her purse.

Emily pulled out of the parking lot. She sighed. She guessed it was a start. When Hanna was mad at a friend, it didn't last very long. She had after all came early to make things right between them.

Which Emily screwed up again. Spencer was the one person Hanna would not forgive, but Emily still pushed it. She remembered how Spencer and Hanna would butt heads back in high school. She knew Hanna did half of the things she did to rile Spencer up. She knew Spencer well enough that she enjoyed correcting the blonde. The teasing between the two was always playful. It was when they weren't talking to each other that was the problem.

The longest they had gone without talking to each other before this fifteen year long silence was when Spencer enlisted Caleb to help them with A's phone. But that was quickly resolved between them.

Now though the fighting was meant to wound. And it was one sided. Spencer had just stood there and took each insult as if she deserved each word. A lash upon her back.

"You should apologize to her."

"She should apologize first." Hanna slumped against the back seat and put her seatbelt on.

"She has." Emily pulled up to a red light and turned back to look at Hanna. "She apologizes for everything. Things that aren't her fault. And things she didn't do. She didn't kill Alison or Maya."

"I know. But she hasn't told us why she let everyone think she did." Hanna looked out the window.

Emily had a feeling why. She bowed her head and her shoulders hunched down. "For us. She did it for us."

Hanna's response was just as worn and dejected. "That's what I'm afraid of."

* * *

The surgery Emily had scrubbed in on had been the easiest part of her day so far. It was a standard hip replacement with Dr. Mendoza. She could do it in her sleep.

Surgery was easier to understand than why people did the things that they did.

She knew Spencer once.

It was just like her to take all the weight onto her shoulders. When she thought she was right, that was it. There was nothing else to be done but her own plan of action. She didn't ask for help. She hadn't then and she wouldn't now.

But she needed it.

Emily made her way to her usual spot in the atrium. She took her phone out. She finally had time to talk to Paige.

But Emily stopped to look at her phone's wallpaper.

It was the photo of Spencer, Teddy and Dantes that Paige had sent. Seeing the scene filled her with joy. It was a moment of captured innocence and Emily wanted a frequent reminder that Spencer could smile.

With a smile of her own, Emily called Paige.

"Hey Babe."

"Hey." Paige's greeting wasn't her usual cheerful self.

"What's wrong?" Emily was filled with concern.

"Nothing. Just a headache." Paige replied.

"Are you sure?" Emily asked.

"Yeah, I already took something for it." Paige answered.

"If you're sure."

"I am. How are you?" Paige seemed livelier.

"Just finished a hip replacement. I won't bore you with it." Emily joked. She was rewarded with a chuckle from Paige.

"I'm sure the octogenarian is grateful for the better mobility."

"Yeah. Her husband hugged me when I told him the procedure went well." Emily leaned against the wall. She put her hand in the pocket of her coat and felt the pack of cigarettes just to make sure they were there.

"That's going to be us someday. In our eighties and going strong. Rocking my new hip when we dance at our grandkid's wedding." Paige laughed.

"That would be nice." Emily bit her lip. It's what she hoped for.

They were both quiet as if Paige was imagining their future together. But Emily was hesitant to. She wasn't as sure about their future. And that made her feel guilty.

She reached for her pack of cigarettes.

"You know what else would be nice? If tonight you show me my surprise." Paige's voice was sultry, almost a growl.

"Yeah?"

"I can drop Teddy off at my mom's. Or Caleb told me he and Hanna wouldn't mind having her over for a night. I think he's freaking out about becoming a daddy in a couple of weeks. But they do love having her over. What do you think?"

"Hanna made me the same offer yesterday while we were shopping."

"I'll let Caleb know. And I guess I should be thanking Hanna as well."

"Like she needs another ego boost." Emily didn't know if she was joking. Her morning with Hanna had gone so badly and not all of that could be blamed on Mona. She was annoyed with the blonde but angrier with herself. Hanna was dead wrong about Spencer but she was right about the kiss.

"She doesn't need any help in that department."

"So how was your walk? Did you guys eat lunch already?" Emily didn't ask the question she desperately wanted to know the answer to. _How was Spencer?_

"The walk was good. We dropped Spencer off. I had some coffee and Teddy had hot chocolate. Then we got lunch at Sura when Spencer went on break. We're just chilling at home now."

"How did lunch go?" Emily asked slowly.

"I thought Spencer wasn't going to come at first but Teddy is very persuasive. But she did have a condition. That she paid for lunch."

"Paige!" Emily admonished her wife.

"Emily, I get why you're mad. But look at it from her point of view. She's just wants to thank us for the last couple of days. So I let her. She doesn't want to feel useless. She wants to feel independent. She was dependent for fifteen years, being told what to do and everything being provided to her in some way."

"Exactly. She doesn't know how to take care of herself. She doesn't have anything."

"She has us. Unless you do things to make her feel like a child. And then she walks."

Paige was right. She was mothering Spencer and taking away her chance to decide for herself. She hated when that was done to her, but she was doing the exact same thing to Spencer.

"How do I show that I trust her?" Emily asked. "Because I do trust her."

Paige was quiet as she gathered her thoughts. "Be patient. That's always the first thing. Let her make her own decisions. Her opinions matter. Encourage her. Give her space when she needs it. That's what I try to do."

"You're so good at this. And I'm just making things worse."

"I don't have some magic key with all the answers. I just treat her the way I want to be treated. You had no trouble with me when I was going through something similar. Remember? Just do what you did for me." Paige was reassuring as always.

Emily remembered how Paige was after the bomb, after she lost her eye and part of her hand. Her wife had been depressed and so unsure of herself, but Emily didn't treat her like she was incapable of doing things on her own. Paige had gone from being afraid of holding her own daughter to competing in triathlons. She was now in the best shape of her life.

Having something outside herself to focus on helped. Paige had her and Teddy. Spencer could have that, too. She had Dantes. She had Nina and everyone at the shop. She had Paige and Teddy. Spencer had her.

"A key. How about if we gave her a key to our apartment? So she won't have to wait on us. She can come and go whenever she wants to take Dantes for walks while we're at work. You know what I mean?" Emily asked.

She thought it was a good idea. It would show Spencer that she was trusted. And that she was welcomed. That she was part of the family.

"I don't know, Em."

"Why not?" Emily wasn't hurt. She wanted to know why Paige thought it was a bad idea.

"I like it." Paige sounded hesitant to speak, as if she was choosing her words carefully.

Emily decided to help her along. "But?"

"But it could go either way. She might see it as a nice heartwarming gift or she might freak out. I really hope it's the former rather than the latter."

"Me too. Could you," Emily adjusted her phone. "Could you go and get a copy made?"

"If that's what you really want. Teddy has wanted to get some white Chucks. She won't stop until she has all the colors. Plus, I need to pick up my eye later anyway. It should be ready by then. Do you want anything else?" Paige asked.

"No. I picked up everything yesterday." Emily said softly.

"Including my surprise." Paige rasped out, voice laced with desire.

"Yes, including your surprise. You didn't forget that." Emily laughed.

"Who could forget? I'll take care of everything. You just bring your sexy self."

"Drop by the hospital before you drop Teddy off? I should be free around six. I want to see her." Emily looked at her watch. "I really need to get back. I love you."

"Okay. We'll drop by. And love you too. Save some lives Superstar."

"Bye. Stay safe." Emily hung her phone up and slipped it back into her pocket.

When Emily finally got through the front door after sending a text that she was almost home, she had been surprised by Paige waiting for her in the living room with a glass of champagne for each of them. Once she had finished her glass, Paige took it from her and set on the end table next to her own. Emily caressed her wife's cheek, admiring the look of the new eye.

Then Paige captured her lips for a searing kiss, the first in many on the way to the bedroom. She pulled Paige's shirt off and they fell onto the bed with her on top. Paige pulled her down to kiss her jaw, her neck. Emily moaned before she remembered what she had planned for Paige.

But she was sorry to have to put an end to it. She playfully shoved Paige back onto the bed.

Paige let out a frustrated growl.

Emily laughed and caressed her cheek. "Patience. We'll get to that. If you're good. But first I'm going to go put on something a little more sexy."

She grabbed the shopping bag with the lingerie from the spot on the dresser where Paige had thoughtfully left it. Getting an idea, she put the bag down and opened a drawer. She pulled out the scarf she was looking for. She threw it at Paige.

"Blindfold, please."

"Is this necessary? I only just have the one left."

"Do you want your surprise or not?" Emily playfully scolded.

Paige eagerly tied the scarf around her eyes. She sat on the edge of the bed in just her jeans and bra, a huge grin on her face. Emily allowed her eyes to rake over Paige's abs and chest. She was glad her wife was more confident now and had no trouble baring her scars, the faded ones from her youth and the ones from the explosion that almost took her life.

She went into the bathroom where she put on the bustiere and panties, followed by the garters and stockings. The heels would come after she put on some makeup.

Then she put on eyeliner and lip-gloss. She decided to put her hair up into a chignon so that she'd be able to let it all down and prolong the show for Paige. When she finished up she went to their closet and pulled out one of Paige's button ups that she bought from the menswear section, big on her wife but just the right size on her for her intentions. Baby blue, all curve hugging and stopping just above her thigh. She put it on and chose to leave the top buttons undone as a preview. Then she got on her heels.

For a finishing touch Emily grabbed one of Paige's hats, a black fedora, seemingly left out innocently but she knew otherwise. Paige had a thing for her in fedoras, cemented by the Halloween when they had dressed up as Batwoman and The Question. That had been a fun night.

Emily picked up a universal remote that controlled a lot of the things in the house like air conditioning and the lights. What she wanted was not to turn off the lights, since the idea was to show her body off, but just to dim the lights a bit to set the mood. She also picked out a song to dance to but doesn't play it yet. Instead she set it up to play later when she needed it to be. Voice activated after the first thing she wanted to say to Paige, starting everything off.

Emily stood with her hands on her hips, feet apart. In an authoritative voice, she commanded "Stand up. Take off your pants."

Paige did as she was told with the grin on her face only getting bigger. She unbuttoned her jeans and took them off in a rush. Once she stepped out of them, she kicked them off to the side. Paige was now wearing fewer clothes than she was, just down to her bra and boy shorts. Her muscled, athletic body on display.

"Now, the blindfold."

The blindfold came off.

Paige's jaw dropped.

Emily chuckled at the reaction, proud that she had that effect, and took gliding steps towards her wife. Paige stood frozen in place, only watching her advance with hungry eyes. When Emily was inches away, she smirked and put two fingers beneath Paige's jaw and eased it close. Then she gave Paige a shove and she fell back onto the bed.

"You do remember the rules, don't you, Babe? You can look." Emily leaned in, "But you can't touch." She snatched the scarf from Paige's hand and wrapped it around her neck. "Even though I know how much you really want to."

She strode slowly back to a spot out of Paige's reach. "Room. Play."

The sounds of Beyonce's voice came over the room's sound system. She started gyrating her hips sensually in time with the tinkling of the piano. Her fingers went to the first button and they came undone. They went to the next button, but instead of undoing them she raked her hands down her thighs, dropping low to the ground.

She pops back up, hands trailing across her hips, her waist. She skips over her breasts. She plays with the brim of the fedora, and pulls it down a bit but never breaking eye contact with Paige.

Never break eye contact with Paige.

It's another rule. One she's glad she chose to follow or else she'd miss out on Paige devouring her with her eyes, watching her every move. She takes the fedora off with a flourish and flings it towards Paige.

She can tell her wife was frustrated that it was the hat she removed from her person not the offending shirt that concealed what she wanted to see. What she wanted to touch, to taste. What she thought of as hers. Paige growled and it spurned her on better than applause.

Because Emily knew that she held the power.

So she undid two more buttons as she undulated and danced with her hands above her head. After a few seconds, she puts one leg in front of the other undoing a button with each step. She can see Paige gulp and then lick her lips. Her legs are clenched tight, as if holding back her arousal.

The shirt was unbuttoned but not off completely. It hung off Emily's shoulders, showing off the bustiere underneath, but still draping her breasts. She then threw the shirt off. Next to come off were the heels.

She moved to stand over Paige and put her hands on her shoulders, the scarf still there. She lifted her foot and places it next to Paige's thigh. She lunged a bit forward so the inside of her own thigh ended up rubbing Paige's bicep. She rolled the stocking down her leg slowly, then set her thumbs under the garter and removed it. The other one came off in a similar fashion.

The torture of having her so close got to Paige and her hands leapt from her lap, seeking out Emily's waist. She stepped back shaking her head. She let her hair down and shook it out with her fingers.

Emily tugged on the ends of the scarf, a motion that pulled Paige's head forward and put her face inches away from her breasts. Paige gazed up into her eyes and the mix of desire and desperation almost had her putting an end to the teasing. But there was one more layer to unwrap and the song wasn't finished playing yet.

She went back to dancing with passion, knowing the wait was driving Paige into a frenzy. She strutted back over to her, and placed a hand on each of Paige's knees to spread her legs apart. There was no resistance. Paige groaned as she started dancing between her legs.

Emily's hands went to undo the bustiere. Once the clasps were unhooked, she held it in place by cupping her breasts with her hands. She took the bustiere off. She arched her back. Paige was actually keening now. Begging for release.

But Emily danced away again, out of reach.

One leg in front of the other with her side towards Paige, Emily lifted her heel. She slid her hands into her panties, her palms against her hips. She lifted them up and away from her skin. She continued to slide her hands and panties down her body. As her hands moved down, her body followed. Once they were past her knees, they fell down to her feet. She stepped out of them one foot at a time.

The song faded out, but this time it was her who wasn't finished playing yet. She wanted Paige to come to her. All she was wearing was a challenging smirk and moving her hips seductively, touching and caressing herself.

"Enough!" Paige growled as she stood up and claimed her. The kiss was more intense than the one in the living room, consuming. Paige caught her bottom lip between her teeth and she whimpered.

Emily had lit a fuse earlier. Now came the bang.

Because a candle left neglected and unchecked became an inferno when not doused out right away.

Hands that weren't allowed to touch earlier were quickly trying to make up for it. Paige's hands roamed over Emily's breasts and then grabbed her ass. Then Paige picked her up and tossed her onto the bed. Paige took off her clothes before joining her, practically ripping off her bra and boy shorts.

Paige's mouth was back at her throat. There was nothing gentle about it. A hand went to Emily's nipple, where it was rolled slowly at first and then pinched hard. Emily let out a gasp. Paige's thigh pressed into her and she couldn't stop herself from grinding her hips asking for more.

Paige didn't tease. She knew exactly what Emily wanted and went straight to work. It was if she had a point to prove. Her hand snaked down between them and palmed Emily's mound. Her fingers entered her folds slickly. Paige rubbed circles into her clit with her thumb, as two fingers were thrusted inside her.

Emily shuddered. The look on Paige's face was one of determination. But there was something else there. Something predatory. Possessive.

It surprised her. The usual expression Paige wore was one that said, _"I can't believe you're with me. I can't believe you're mine." _Now each thrust inside was "You're with me. You're mine."

It gave Emily such a rush. That she could bring her wife to such a state of lust. Paige was relentless in her ravaging.

What a lovely way to burn.

When Emily woke up, Paige was still in bed with her. Paige was awake, and seemed to have been for a while. Emily snuggled in closer to her. She felt Paige starting to stroke her hair tenderly. She just wanted this moment where nothing else existed. Especially her guilt.

But there were responsibilities. Work where there were patients and aftercare. A long list of things to tell Paige. Spencer.

She balked. Spencer wasn't a responsibility. Not some duty or obligation to complete. She was a friend to nurture.

But that was wrong too. Her feelings for Spencer were confusing and she hid them in a box labeled "friendship", content to not open it up because she believed in her skills of compartmentalization. If she did stop to check what was inside she would find something else.

There she was trying to savor the moment and get lost in it, feel Paige's skin against hers. But she was thinking about someone else.

Paige pulled the blanket up around their shoulders. Emily shifted and sat up.

"Sorry. You were shivering." Paige apologized. "Go back to sleep."

"I was awake." Emily rasped out. Paige knew she was, but wasn't going to say she knew. Emily studied her just as Paige had done before.

Paige had scratch marks starting on her shoulder and Emily imagines more on her back. Then she remembered how she actually had bit Paige there first and the scratch marks came from when Paige's tongue was inside her. She ran a hand over her wife's deltoid.

"Those? Don't worry about them." Paige said proudly, like they're a gold star sticker. "I can hide them under a shirt. But this," Her fingertips brushed her neck like a whisper. "Is going to be a bit harder to hide. Sorry."

Emily remembered the predatory look from last night and just a hint of it remained in Paige's eye. The hunter. The provider. But Emily laughed playfully as she swatted at Paige's hand. "You're not sorry." Her voice was teasing.

"Nope, I'm not." Paige smirked.

"We can just stay in bed and I won't have to worry about it." Emily said, trying to restore the moment like she hadn't been thinking about Spencer. "Call in sick. Hanna and Caleb can have Teddy for a few hours more."

"Tempting."

"I always am." Emily grinned. She cocked her head up and kissed Paige.

The phone rang. Emily flopped back to the bed in frustration. That had to be her mom.

Paige chuckled as she crawled out of bed. "I'll go get started on breakfast." She threw on a pair of sweats, grabbed her shirt from last night and slipped out of the room.

Emily took the phone off its cradle on the bedside table, answering it. "Hello."

"Good morning, Emily. I was hoping to catch you before you left for the hospital." Her mother's voice came over the phone.

"Good morning, Mom." Emily pulled the blanket up.

"Just calling to see if you got Thanksgiving off. I hope we'll be seeing you this year." Pam said.

"Yes Mom. But I'll be pulling a 36 hour shift that ends that morning."

"That's good. Better than you not coming at all. Paige's mom will be coming as well so I'll have more help in the kitchen. Her green bean casserole last year was great."

Emily groaned. With her mom and mother-in-law cooking and Paige helping out, the food was definitely going to taste amazing. The turkey wasn't the only thing that was going to be stuffed. "I hope she makes her pecan pie."

Pam laughed. "Of course. She knows how much you love it."

"Mom?" Emily asked. "Would it be okay if we invited someone?"

"You mean Spencer."

"Yes. She has no one to spend the holiday with." Emily wondered what her mother was thinking. She had seen the lack of distance between her and Spencer at Teddy's birthday party. There had been a look of disappointment.

"If she accepts, then I'll set a place for her." It was a very diplomatic answer that didn't give anything away. But Emily knew her mother enough to know that even though she was giving her daughter what she wanted she wasn't pleased with her.

"Thank you." Emily said, not in the mood to argue that it was an innocent and friendly gesture.

"I hope you know what you're doing, Emily."

First Hanna, then her mother. Why was everyone telling her that?

"I have to go Mom." She hung up just as her mother finished saying goodbye.

Emily got dressed in something warm because that phone call made her stressed and she needed a cigarette. She went to the living room for her coat, which had her lighter and cigarettes in the pocket. She put her hand inside. The pack of cigarettes is there but there is no lighter. She checked the other pocket and found only the chess piece Mona gave her.

"There you are. Breakfast is ready." Paige walked over to her. Emily must have been concentrating on the piece so hard because asked what it was.

Emily showed it to her. "A chess piece. One of the back ones. I don't know which."

"It's the most powerful piece on the board. The queen." Paige looked at it with a grin, as if remembering a particularly good move. But then frowned in realization. "This isn't from our set. Where did you get it? Did A-?"

"No. Mona."

"When did-" Paige stopped talking. "You went to see her."

"Yesterday morning."

"Without me?" Emily knew what Paige meant was without _her. _

Emily bristled. "Hanna was with me."

"You brought along our extremely pregnant friend with you on this interrogation? That's great back up! Were you going to tell me?"

"Yes, even though you and Spencer play at being Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson without a word to me about anything."

"Because there is nothing for me to tell you." Paige slumped her shoulders. "We actually haven't found anything. " She looks sheepish. "You probably know more than us at this point. But what I do know, what I am hiding is for her to reveal. I don't want to break her trust."

"Yeah." The fight left Emily. "She should at least be able to trust one of us."

"What did Mona tell you?"

"A bunch of cryptic bullshit." Emily vented in frustration.

"So the usual."

"She made digs at my weight and just said what we already know. That A is still here. Playing with us. Then she gave me this." She handed the queen piece to Paige. "I'm sure she could have said more but some fresh out of school doctor lead her away."

"Hope she doesn't get HarleyQuinn'ed by Mona. Maybe that's how you get recruited into the A team." Paige joked.

Emily thought about it. Dr. Hu wouldn't have reason to join the A team, although it was apparent she disliked Emily due to the soft spot she had for one of her patients. Mona did have a way with words. A doctor could easily fall for her charms.

"Maybe this is the clue." Paige held up the chess piece. "Like I said it's the most powerful piece because it can move anywhere."

"That sounds like a threat. A is everywhere. The Red Queen."

"Maybe Spencer would like to figure out what it means. She plays chess as well." Paige took her hand and brought her to the kitchen. She pulled out a seat for her and Emily sat down. There were two plates with poached eggs on top of toast with avocado slices and turkey bacon on the side. "In any case, I think we should eat breakfast and not think about A another second longer this morning."

There was also a small box on the kitchen island. It could fit in the palm of her hand. She picked it up. "What's this?"

"That is what you asked me to have made yesterday." Paige set two cups of coffee down on the kitchen island.

Emily took the lid off. Inside was the key to their apartment that she had wanted made for Spencer. It was on a metal ring attached to a simple flat thin piece of metal shaped like a heart. It was a keychain that would catch the eye of a child and she didn't have to guess who picked it out. She wondered why Teddy picked it out.

Paige explained. "Teddy really liked _The Wizard of Oz. _She told Spencer that she was like The Tin Man on our walk yesterday."

Emily frowned. That had been what A called Spencer when she had gotten lost while watching Teddy and Dantes.

"That doesn't mean heartless, Em. Our daughter did good. The Tin Woodsman always had a heart. A big one. She told Spencer she just needed a reminder and then gave her a hug. So this," Paige pointed at the heart. "Is a reminder as well. Teddy saw it in the key shop and wanted to get it."

Emily beamed with pride. Their daughter did good.

After her shift ended, Emily went straight home. It was late, but she had told Paige to ask Spencer to come by after she finished up at Nina's. She hoped Spencer would show up.

She shut the door behind her and took off her jacket, the pack of cigarettes inside the pocket. Her hiding place for them when she's home. She never did find her lighter. Instead of taking it as a sign from the universe to quit once and for all, she just bought another one.

There was no one in the living room.

"Hello?"

"We're in the office." Paige called out.

Emily walked to the office. She stood in the doorway. Paige and Spencer had a game of chess going. Spencer was controlling the dark pieces and Paige was playing the light pieces. Teddy was sitting in her mother's lap. Dantes was curled up underneath Spencer's chair.

"Hi." Emily greeted everyone.

"Mommy! Mama and Spencer are playing chess! And teaching me too." Teddy wiggled out of Paige's lap to hug her.

"Oh really?" Emily brushed Teddy's hair back and nodded over at chess set. Paige was sitting up straighter than usual, missing was her easy going slouch, but smiled at her. Spencer was as expected, tense and eyes downcast after shooting her a quick glance. You'll learn lots. Spencer is a great teacher."

"They're both super good."

"I bet." Emily went over to Paige, and gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek. Teddy bounded over to Spencer's side. "Did you already eat?"

"Yeah. Grilled lemon chicken breasts. Hope that's okay?" Paige answered.

"Of course. I didn't expect for you to wait for me."

"I saved you a plate. I'll heat it up." Paige stood up. She looked at Spencer hesitantly. "I guess I'll have to beat you some other day."

"Yeah. Some other time." Spencer didn't look up from the chessboard. She had no witty retort.

Emily frowned at Paige. Had something happened? Paige shook her head. It was one of those things she couldn't tell Emily. Something that was Spencer's to tell.

"I guess I should go. Paige, thank you for dinner and the game. Teddy, thank you for the company and the cuteness. Emily, good night." Spencer gestured upwards with her head.

"Spencer, we... Paige asked you over to tonight so we could give you something." Emily intercepted her. "The three of us." She signaled to her wife.

Paige walked over to the desk and opened a drawer. She took out the small box Emily had seen that morning. It was now tied with a yellow ribbon. That had to be Teddy's idea; something like a present should have a bow. She gave it to Spencer.

Spencer looked at them, but her eyes settled on her. Emily gave an encouraging smile in return. Shaky hands untied the ribbon. She put the lid of the box under the bottom half and held it in her hand.

"A key?" Spencer took it out of the box and held it up uncertainly.

"To our apartment." Emily explained. "I- We thought that since you'll be coming around more now, that you should have a copy. You can come and go whenever you like, even when we're not around. Makes it easier to walk Dantes and visit him. And us. Think of this as your home."

Teddy cheered. "I sawed the heart keychain and thought of you. It can be your reminder when I'm nots around to give you one."

Paige had been quiet through this whole exchange. But she gave Emily's hand a hopeful squeeze.

"Just don't lose it okay?" Emily joked.

But she was patting herself on the back and celebrating too soon. The small, but grateful smile Spencer was giving her quickly turned into a grimace.

"I'm not a child!" Spencer snarled. "I know what could happen if the key fell into the wrong hands. Don't treat me like a baby, Emily, because I don't need a mother. I can take care of myself." She stormed out of the room.

Emily stood there in stunned silence. She didn't know how that went so wrong. The sounds of Teddy whimpering brought her out of her in action. "Oh, Baby Girl. Don't cry. Spencer is... upset. Not mad. You didn't do anything wrong."

That was all her.

She looked over at Paige, who seems just as surprised at Spencer's outburst. Her wife said Spencer could react badly to the key, but it was obvious Paige had thought there was only a small chance of that happening.

"Paige. Can you go after her? Make sure she gets home okay?"

Paige only nodded and stepped out of the office. She picked her daughter up and wrapped her in her arms. Teddy sniffled into her shoulder.

Emily went to put Teddy to bed. She and Paige needed to explain to her why Spencer had been smiling one minute and shouting the next. She thought of words that would start to explain PTSD to child who had just witnessed a favorite adult explode after getting a present from them.

Emily hummed soothingly. She heard a crunch under her shoe. The small box and ribbon are what she stepped on. She felt a small amount of hope at the sight.

The box was empty.


	23. Chapter 23

Hey guys. Sorry for my absence I was trying to spend the last weeks of my vacation with my family. That was a success. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Check out What's Past is Prologue by , one of the many readers who give me great feedback and insights on my writing. Seriously guys, I enjoy hearing from you.

I don't own Pretty Little Liars. Which is a good thing because apparently I'm like a mix of Shonda Rhimes and Joss Whedon. Don't hate me.

* * *

The bus stop in this neighborhood was nice. It was enclosed to protect from the wind, well lit and Spencer had it all to herself at the moment. She sat down on the small bench. It was going to be some time before the next bus.

But she had to get away.

Even though she had been staring at a hole in the ground beneath her feet, she noticed a person walk up to the bus stop. They had been following her since she had left, keeping a few feet behind. It usually would have had her on edge but she had been sure one of them would follow her to make sure she was okay. Like she wasn't capable of getting home safe on her own.

"You know me storming off doesn't work if you follow after me." Spence continued to look down. "Do you always hang out in the shadows like that?"

"I am the night." Paige chuckled and sat next to her on the bench. She didn't laugh. They were both quiet. Paige waiting for her to talk while Spencer was trying to find the words.

"I guess you should have the key back." Spencer balled her hand up, moving it slowly towards her pocket.

Paige studied her before giving her a response. "We wanted you to have it. It's your key."

Spencer didn't like what it meant. Trust. Hope. Family.

Those all scared her.

To trust her was to be disappointed.

To hope ended the same way.

And family?

Look what happened with hers. They left her. And her family in prison, she left them. Those were the only outcomes when she was involved. It was only a matter of time history repeated itself.

Spencer held the key in her hands. If Paige knew about the kiss between her and Emily, then Paige would want the key back. She rubbed her thumb along its biting. Semi had explained to her how pick a lock, which she had actually known the basics of before going to prison. She could work at a simple lock with a bobby pin. That had got Semi laughing when she had told her.

Semi shared how she had learned how to pick locks, not because she was a thief by trade. That's not why she was in prison. But because she had been a bored teenager and had wanted a challenge.

"_The best things_", Semi said, "_Get kept behind the best locks._" Behind locked doors was where all the secrets were kept. The things people put behind locks were valuable, either because it was something they wanted protected, or something to keep hidden.

Spencer had liked the sound of that so she put it in her skin. She had valuables that needed to be locked away and as long as she stayed quiet, she could keep them protected.

She looked at the keychain that Teddy had picked out. It was in the shape of a heart.

"_Your reminder when I'm nots around to give you one."_

"Tell Teddy I'm sorry I upset her." Spencer had backed out of the room quickly when she saw Teddy's lip start to quiver. She was destroyed at being the reason she had started to cry.

"Tell her yourself tomorrow?" Paige asked hopefully and Spencer nodded. Emily was the real reason she had freaked out. It wasn't the little girl's fault.

"I don't need a babysitter." The things A had left for her today. Just screwed with her head and made her blow up at Emily.

"I know. I'll talk to Emily. And I didn't tell her about what you told me yesterday morning." Paige said. "But she should know."

"_I think I'm gay." Spencer didn't know what she was expecting. Her eyes were still closed and she was afraid to open them least she see the look of realization on Paige's face. Or see Paige's fist aiming for her face. It wouldn't be much of a leap to end up reasoning that Spencer had feelings for Emily. Paige wasn't an idiot. _

_But when she didn't stumble backwards or hear Paige shouting, she opened her eyes. Paige was standing there, hand balling up and jaw clenching and then loosening. It was as if her tongue was rolling around in her mouth, an attempt to get it all to work. _

"_Thank you for trusting me enough to share that with me." Paige said slowly. "It must have been terrifying to say out loud. Am I the first person you've told?" _

_Spencer bit her lip. This was not the reaction she had been expecting. But it was the one she was hoping for. She sighed in relief. _

"_Yes." There were other people that knew about how she felt about Emily. But she had never admitted those words to anyone. Not even to herself._

_Paige squeezed her shoulder. "Well with each person you tell. It gets easier. Coming out is a process. And I have to admit that I am surprised. I mean... You and Toby when we were back in high school. Then that Gavin guy at the cafe. But if that's how you feel then that's how you feel."_

"_Oh." Spencer paused. She hadn't thought about her ex in what felt like forever, when once upon a time he was the one that was always on her mind. Only ever overshadowed by Emily. "Toby. He was very special to me. And Gavin, I am interested in him. We actually had coffee yesterday. I would like to get to know him more." There was also Wren, but that had only been an infatuation. Just a crush. _

_Spencer sighed and put a strand of hair behind her ear. She bit her lip. Buying time. "But there was a woman. In prison. We... It wasn't just..." _

_Spencer didn't know how to form the words._

"_Gay for the stay?" Paige offered, her tone light and hinting that she wanted to put Spencer at ease. It worked and Spencer chuckled._

"_We were. We were together. And it was..." Spencer smiled. "Wonderful. She was wonderful. To find a person like that in prison was a shock. I don't think I would have lasted without her." _

_She was being honest. If it weren't for Semi, she would probably be worse than she was now. At least she was holding a job and had an apartment. She could have ended up a mumbling mess out on the streets. Or she'd still be in prison, but she wouldn't have that reason to keep going. _

"_I would have self destructed in there. But she saved me. Especially after my mom died." Spencer's voice cracked as she rubbed the crook of her right arm. "She stopped me from doing something stupid."_

_The only time she had been on the receiving end of Semi's anger was when she scored a hit of heroin and got her hands on a syringe. Semi had found her tied off and about to shoot up, the blunt needle already in a vein. Semi had screamed at her asking how she could be so fucking stupid and Spencer had screamed right back that her life was over and there was nothing else. _

_Semi had talked her down and held her, reassuring her that she was still someone. That she still had a chance at picking up the pieces. So Spencer handed over the syringe. Part of her had known how stupid it was to make the jump from numbing herself for weeks after the funeral with pot then oxy to shooting up heroin. But the other part of her, this small part of her, had been hoping for an overdose. She still had that fear of being so low that she would end up in that dark place again to this day._

"_She sounds great. I'm glad you had the chance." Paige looked up the street to watch Teddy, who was skipping back to the two of them. "Is she still...?"_

"_In prison? Yeah. She'll be there for a really long time." Spencer looked down at her shoes. She felt guilty at being in the world while Semi was still in prison. _

"_I'm sorry."_

"_Don't be. My life has always been complicated so I shouldn't expect it to be any other way." Spencer said wryly with a dismissive shrug. _

"Should she know?" Spencer looked up at Paige, dangerously close to confessing about the kiss. Paige would change her mind about her then with the truth out.

What would it change if Emily knew?

Nothing. It would change nothing.

While it had been so easy for her to insert herself into her sister's relationships, she could never bring herself to end a marriage. Paige and Emily worked well together and they were happy. She could see how much Emily loved Paige. It was there anytime the two were in a room together, a presence that made Spencer shudder and look away.

And there was Teddy to think about.

So Spencer couldn't have what she wanted. Not this time.

In her thirty-three years of existence, it was something she was faced with time and time again. Being Melissa Hastings's little sister. Being the fish on the prison block. Being a parolee. Being at the mercy of A.

Paige looked away from her. "As your friend. She would want to know. She's on your side. In the end, she's looking out for you. Always has. And she might get overly enthusiastic and do too much, too soon. Like with the key. But she just misses her friend. She misses you."

"I'm broken."

"Yeah. You are. But not forever." The words of someone that knew what that meant gave her some comfort.

The squeal of a bus's breaks made them both look up.

"I guess this is yours. I hope we'll be seeing you tomorrow. But it's understandable if you need time. We can wait." Paige stood up.

Spencer bit her lip with uncertainty, but she still nodded. No matter what she thought, no matter what she tried, she knew she would keep coming back.

* * *

Waiting for her at the door to her apartment was another package. Spencer knew who the sender was. It was the third "gift". She picked it up, noting how soft it was through the packing paper, and with it secure under her arm, she let herself inside.

After spending what felt like forever with the Fields family, Spencer was unnerved by how quiet her small apartment was. She closed the door and locked it behind her. It felt like a mausoleum. Not only was the silence suffocating her deathly, but there was no life in the room. There was no childish laughter. There were no warm voices. There was only a deep loneliness that weighed her down.

She let out a sigh that cut through the stillness and pushed off the door to go deeper into her room. Because that's all that it was. A room. Four walls with a bathroom. Everything she owned in life, all that she had accomplished was in this room. And it wasn't much.

She didn't even own the furniture.

This was her adult life. She had nothing to show for it. If she died tomorrow. If she got hit by a car crossing the street. Then she wasn't leaving behind anything memorable. She had no legacy.

She set the package on the table in front of her and took a seat. She contemplated it. It was wrapped in plain brown packing paper, much like the second "gift" had been. The first had been unwrapped. She had found it outside her door that morning as she was leaving for work.

A teddy bear.

Her first thought was that it belonged to the kid down the hall whose mother shielded him from her whenever they crossed paths with a warning not to talk to her. She had picked the thing up with the intention of returning it to its owner, but noticed the yellow ribbon tied around its neck had a tag with her name on it. With a sick feeling she had looked for a message. But she had only found _Love, A _written on the back.

She hadn't known what to do with the bear. She couldn't bring herself to throw it away, her need to never waste anything pulsing strongly. But she had worried about it being bugged, so she had brought it to work with her. Her first instinct had been to bring it to Paige.

_She'd know what to do. _

But she had smothered that thought. She didn't want to come off as needy. She was self-sufficient. She could handle a stuffed animal, which she had left at work on her shelf. Work was where she had gotten her second "gift".

Travis had come back to the kitchen to tell her some "delivery dude" had left a package for her up front. She had been hesitant to open it. Travis had hovered around her expectantly, waiting for her to open the package. So she had, just to get rid of him.

Inside the package, she had found a night-light. This time there had been a message from A, written on a card.

"_Since your mommies can't be around every time you have a nightmare."_

She had crumpled up the note and hurled it into the trash bin. When she had been about to do the same with the box and the night-light, Travis had stopped her and asked if he could have the night-light. She had let him take it.

"_I'm going to go on break, if that's okay?" Spencer asked with a shaky voice._

"_No. It's cool. Go ahead. You look like you could use one. Thanks for the night-light though. I don't know what I'm going to do with it, but hey, free night light, right?" Travis chuckled as he put it on his shelf. _

_She smiled tightly at him as she took her apron off. She almost wanted to ask him if he had anything on him to take the edge off. He had invited her to blaze countless times. Half the time she wanted to say yes just to feel a little numb. _

_Random drug tests aside, she couldn't go back to that place. She had already lost too much of herself. _

"_Eli," Spencer grabbed her jacket. "I'm going to go for a walk."_

"_You could use some company." Eli wiped her hands on a towel and took her apron off. Before Spencer could protest, Eli was nodding at Nina as she got her jacket on._

_They went out through the back door. The cold startled her after being in the warmth of the kitchen. She started moving. If Eli wanted to walk with her she was going to have to keep up. _

_The neighborhood was nice, cozy. Blocks of townhouses and apartments, lined with trees. With everything necessary and important within walking distance: Teddy's school. Emily's hospital. Some nice restaurants and cafes that would know how you liked your steak cooked, your drink order, and your name. They'd ask how your wife was and how your kid was doing. It was the same small talk she made with her regular customers._

_Nonfat mocha for Brooke. She was a new mother. She was often in the company of her infant son who had undergone a surgery to close a hole in his heart. She and her husband were so glad to find out they lived close to the hospital with one of the best pediatric surgeons in the city. Wasn't that reassuring as a parent? Spencer had agreed, and she had to admit her son was a cute kid._

_Green tea for Richard. He was a nurse at the hospital. He liked to read either from his tablet or trade paperback books. They asked what the other was reading at the moment every other week. Sometimes he would order an Americano to go. For his favorite surgeon. _

_Dark roast for Mr. Allen. He would do the crossword quietly and have a blueberry muffin. He was a widower. He and his wife never had children. But there was a nice couple in his building with an adorable little girl who he thought of as family. They looked in after him enough. And didn't he see her at the girl's birthday party?_

_Even though Emily was presently avoiding the shop, she was still there. Her presence went with everyone whose life she had touched. Spencer knew the feeling. But she was walking with a ghost. The shadow of words she never got to confess to Emily. _

_Emily didn't belong to her. _

_She belonged to these doctors and nurses she served coffee and baked goods to. These patients. These neighbors. These friends. A wife and a daughter. Emily belonged to the world._

_Spencer wasn't a part of the world. She had been removed a long time ago. She had no place out here._

"_What's on your mind?" _

_Eli's voice startled her. She forgot she wasn't alone. _

_No. She wasn't alone. Eli knew what it was like to be the stranger. To be a walking void because you left half of your self in the before and then lost the rest in prison. Though she was never really whole in the before, giving up pieces of herself for her parents, her sister, her friends. Emily. _

"_This was the kind of neighborhood I wanted to live in, back when I couldn't wait to get out of Rosewood." Get away from all the bad memories. _

"_I know what you mean. As soon as I turned 18 I got the hell out of my small town. My small life. They weren't big enough for my big dreams."_

"_Which were?" Spencer didn't know much about Eli's past._

"_See all the world had to offer. Experience everything. I didn't get very far before I ran out of money." Eli gave Spencer a wry grin. "That was, as they would say, when the trouble started."_

_Eli told a story about how she met a group of people her age that were in the same situation as her, but sold her on a way to make some easy money by selling drugs. She was making enough cash and she didn't even have to spend it to travel. That was taken care of by her boss. She was happy she had gotten to see the Pacific Ocean before it all went wrong. It was a small empire based out of Pittsburgh._

"_Oh." Spencer let that bit of information sink in. "Fuck!" She started walking faster._

"_Spencer!"_

_She stopped and reeled back towards Eli. "Did she set this up? Did I get this job because of her calling in a favor?"_

"_No. It's not like that. The job was my idea. She just wanted to make sure you were-"_

"_Being taken care of? Being looked after?"_

"_No! She just wants to know you're okay." Eli caught up to her. "She was right about you. You're stubborn as hell. A fighter. But she was afraid you would fight the wrong things. Like the people trying to help you."_

_People were trying to help her. They were trying to get her to live instead of just existing. They wanted to pull her out of the shadows and into the warmth of the sun. But they were doing it by lying to her. She couldn't trust anyone._

_Which made her a big hypocrite. She sought to protect the people she loved with the biggest weapon she had in her arsenal. A lie. _

"_I should have been honest with you from the start. But that's not how you operate. You deal in untruths and secrets. That's your only crime. Lying. Not murder."_

_Spencer cringed. Her hand hadn't thrown the match, but she had gotten Fitz killed. Her mother had cancer, but she died of a broken heart. She had blood on her hands._

"_Someone else killed those girls. And you took the fall." Eli continued._

"_Did Semi tell you that?"_

"_No, I figured that out all on my own." Eli looked at her. "So that's what you called her? Semi?"_

"_I never thought of her as anything other than Mama Sin. She wasn't the deadly and dangerous lady king when she was with me." Spencer never called her that. _

_That title was for the prisoners that lived in fear and awe of her. The guards called her Miss Sinclair, because they respected her. And Spencer had slipped once and said her nickname for the woman out loud while trying to half-heartedly turn down her advances. Semi had teased her until she explained the reason behind the nickname. And after Spencer finished with a blush, Semi had laughed, pleased that she hadn't been too busy staring daggers at everyone to notice._

_They started heading back towards the shop. "She doesn't say it in her letters, but I know how much she wishes she could hear from you."_

_Spencer was heartless. She never wrote to anyone on the outside and she never accepted letters, calls or visits from anyone, especially Emily. She had severed ties with all of them. And she had decided to do the same with those she had left behind. It would hurt less if she never looked back. _

_But she always did. The past was an open wound that never healed, bleeding out until she was finally empty. _

Eli had more to say before they got back, and Spencer had chosen to ignore her again. Eli had meant to use the walk as a way to talk of things loath to be overheard. But Spencer didn't want to hear it either. She felt betrayed at being lied to. She didn't know if she could trust the older woman as much as she had before. Her guard was back up.

But Eli knew. Or rather had figured it out. And if Eli could do that, then anyone could.

Emily could.

Let her believe. Believing wasn't the same as knowing. Knowing required proof. There was no evidence to prove her innocence.

Emily was trying. She really was.

The key was a thoughtful gesture. It said, "This is your home too. I want to share with you what is most valuable and important to me. My family. There is nothing to keep hidden because I trust you enough to share everything."

That's what it meant.

And that's why giving a partner a key was such a huge step in a relationship. A dating milestone.

But she and Emily weren't dating. They weren't together. The key wouldn't unlock everything. Some doors would be closed to her forever.

Spencer took the key out of her pocket and set it next to the package. The keychain Teddy had bought her was red and shone bright in the dim light of her apartment. A talisman protecting her from harm as she tore into the brown paper package.

Inside the paper wrapping was a soft yellow baby blanket, the type new parents swaddled their infant in to take them home. Her jaw clenched. She ripped the rest of the wrapping open. There was another card tied to a pacifier.

The message this time, _"Sleep tight. -A"_

She pushed away from the table in anger. She wouldn't be sleeping tonight. Not because she was going to be plagued by nightmares. But she was wide-awake now, a fire burning through her veins.

There was only one place to burn off all the energy.

With her mother's journals.

She looked at the heart keychain. Something in those journal had almost cost Paige her life. Something in those journals had almost made Emily a single parent. Teddy had almost grown up without knowing both her mothers because losing another woman she loved would have destroyed Emily.

She slipped the key into her front pocket and put the baby blanket into a brown paper bag left over from grocery shopping weeks ago. She put her jacket back on. She still had her shoes on, a pair of ratty white Converse that the prison had supplied her with when she had been released. The same pair had inspired Teddy to beg her mother to get her a similar pair but in miniature. The girl adored her, and was emulating her yet again. That cut her low. The girl would do better than to have an ex-con as a role model.

The key to the Fields apartment hadn't been the first key she had been entrusted in. Paige had given her a key to the storage unit. Which looking around it now, it was mostly filled with her possessions from before. There were the footlocker trunks that made her think of the ones she had kept her spare uniforms and other things in. There was a camper cot set out with a rolled up sleeping bag on top. That was new. Paige must have left it here for her.

Then there was Paige's motorcycle under the drop cloth, a gorgeous machine. She couldn't help but imagine the freedom it could give. She closed her eyes and pictured riding it across the country on open highways under a forever sky. But then the image shifted and she wasn't riding alone. She was sitting behind the rider, thighs squeezing gently against theirs with little space between them as she had her arms wrapped around her waist in more of an embrace, feeling safe and secure with someone that would never let her fall.

She opened her eyes and shook her head. She came to the storage unit with a purpose. She went over to the filing cabinet. It was made out of a thick and sturdy metal, vertical with three drawers. She took it's key out to get it unlocked. Semi's words came back to her.

The notebooks were valuable so her mother or Paige had put them into this filing cabinet, kept away in a storage unit. Because inside the covers was information that A had wanted to remain hidden. They were willing to kill to protect it

Her mother had died gathering this information, working right up to the very end so it was the most important. That's why it was valuable to her. It was her mother's handwriting, her mother's words, thoughts and feelings.

And it made Spencer feel horrible to read her days in prison through her mother's eyes. Her first year had been rough, but it had to be that much harder for her mother. It was all there in the pages. Every visit. Every fear.

"_Spencer was very quiet today. She listened to everything I had to say with minor comment or interruption. I found myself missing her sarcasm, and even her antagonism when we'd get into arguments. I know she's doing it in an attempt to shield me, so I won't worry. But a mother always worries... I'm glad that the scar on her lip doesn't affect her smile. I'm glad she has a reason to smile... I want my baby home. Everyone sees her as cold and unfeeling. But she's my little girl... Every time she hugs me goodbye, it's like she's trying to make it last forever as if holding me tightly will keep the guards away after the last two minutes. And I hope it works too. But after the minutes are up, I have to walk out of that place without her... You always think you have more time. But I'm running out. I can't get Melissa to visit her sister. When I'm gone she'll be the only family Spencer has. Well, she'll have Emily. She's always had Emily. _

It was pages and notebooks of that. And dead ends. She read about how soul crushing each time an appeal was rejected. When her mother had come to her with the bad news that the Pennsylvania Supreme Court had refused to hear case her mother's voice hadn't wavered when she told her, but inside Veronica had been unraveling.

_She's my daughter and I failed her. _

Spencer had to stop reading. She sat back and clutched the notebook to her chest because she couldn't hold her mother. It was too late to feel safe in her warm embrace. That was her fault.

She wiped at her eye and went back to reading. She had been at this for hours and she hadn't found anything that could help her, nothing that would needed a second look. That first night after Paige had told her about the journals, where she had read until morning, had turned up nothing either. She had started from the beginning with the first entry, going from there. It wasn't that she didn't trust Paige's work, but that she wanted to read each word. To feel each word of joy and sorrow, that was her burden. There were more lows than highs between the covers.

When she finished the journal in her hands, Spencer got off the floor and went to grab another one from the filing cabinet. Another one in her hand, she went to sit on the cot. Her eyes flicked to the date for the initial entry.

There wasn't one.

She flipped through the next pages to see when her mother had been writing in this journal, thinking that the notebook had been misplaced. She stopped on a page that seemed to just be a list. She didn't know what the list of names meant, until she got to Upper Darby.

Spencer had been there before for an away game. Their field hockey team had been good, but they had been better. If she remembered correctly, that had been the game that had gotten a penalty named after Paige.

These had to be a list of towns in the area. She had no idea what connected them and why her mother thought they were significant.

She turned the page.

The next page was blank and so was the next. She hurriedly flipped through the journal, hoping for more. What she found instead was an envelope. Inside was a letter addressed to her from her mother.

_My Dearest Spencer,_

_If you're reading this, then I'm happy to know you're free. But then it means I have to apologize because I didn't have the chance to see it. It means I wasn't able to hug you outside of those walls and I'm sorry for that. _

_I'm so proud of you. I always have been. And it might not have been obvious to you, but having you for a daughter is one of the best things to have happen in my life. I remember when I held you for the first time. You were enough. You were perfect. _

_You're not the daughter I raised you to be. You're so much better. You're a strong, beautiful woman that is so caring and selfless. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. _

_Because you did the right thing._

_You'll be happy, Spencer. I know you will._

_With Love Always,_

_Your Mother. _

The tears that had been welling up in Spencer's eyes were finally falling. She laid down on the cot, clutching the letter to her chest. She curled up on her side. She choked out a sob. "Mom."

* * *

Spencer woke up with a jolt. She was disorientated. The first thing she saw was a square ceiling and four walls closing in on her. She sucked in a breath deeply and sat up. She wasn't back there. She couldn't be back there in that swallowing void. That hungry nothing.

Spencer's eyes sped around the room wildly. She was still in the storage unit, sitting up on the cot. Paige's motorcycle under the drop cloth was a reassuring sight but her mother's letter was what made it all real. She picked it up off the floor where it had fallen while she had been sleeping. She put it back into the envelope and put it back in-between the pages of the journal.

She rubbed her face with her hand. She stood up and checked her phone. There were no new messages, from A or otherwise. But she took a look at the time and swore. She was going to be late for work.

There was just enough time for her to change clothes and catch the necessary buses to get her close to work. She just grabbed a shirt and a hoodie from one of the footlockers and pulled off the shirt she was wearing. She got dressed quickly and put her hair up into a messy ponytail. Once she had her field jacket on, she picked up the paper bag with the baby blanket in one hand and the journal with her mother's letter and the list of towns in the other, making sure it was safe against her chest.

She was fifteen minutes late. She apologized profusely. But Nina just smiled at her, and pointed her towards her apron.

"I'm just glad you're here today." Nina picked up a tray of cupcakes and put them into the oven.

Spencer nodded, knowing what Nina meant. _"You're still here."_

"Do you need me anywhere?" Spencer asked as she put the paper bag next to the teddy bear on her shelf. She put up her field jacket not letting her mother's journal out of her sight. She had brought it with her at the last minute. She thought it would be safer with her. But in truth, it was probably the other way around. Knowing that her mother's letter was secure in between the pages made her feel less afraid. Combined with Teddy's keychain, it all left her feeling hopeful.

"Just up front, making drink orders. It's about to pick up." Nina started on another batch.

"Sure thing." Spencer put on her apron over her hoodie. She grabbed the journal and slipped it into her apron pocket. It felt a bit uncomfortable when it smacked against her thigh, but it was reassuring to know it was close.

She nodded at Karolina and Solomon, who greeted her in kind. Solomon was at the register, so she would be making drinks with Karolina.

"Sharks?" Karolina had on a playful smirk. Spencer looked at her in confusion. "Your hoodie. "Rosewood High." The young woman read off the back of her hoodie.

"Oh." Spencer didn't know she had grabbed this particular hoodie, a blue, almost black hoodie with her school logo printed on the back. It was one she would wear when she would train sometimes, running through the streets and trails of her hometown. A lot of the high school athletes had them. She wished she had stopped to check. Now she was stuck with it for the rest of the day. Her hand went up to the zipper, but Solomon gave them a drink order for a group of three and she went to work.

The first lull in customers came in the afternoon, when everyone was done with their lunch breaks. She was about to go on hers, just taking a few minutes to eat an actual meal. Travis had come in and she was waiting for Karolina and Solomon to come back from their break.

Spencer was thinking about what she was going to do for lunch. Since she didn't have time to go back to her unit, she hadn't had breakfast and she didn't make herself a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. Buying lunch for three people yesterday had set her back, but it was worth it to see Teddy telling her to try some bulgogi or some chapchae and boss her around when it came to using chopsticks.

They had gone family style, sharing a bit of each dish between the three of them. Spencer could see that the waitress was familiar with Paige and Teddy. She had asked where Emily was and Teddy had answered with a toothy grin that her mommy was saving lives because she was a doctor. Next the girl introduced her as "my Spencer." Spencer knew the waitress as hazelnut latte, but she'd probably want to be called Ness.

Ness the Waitress knew Spencer as well, as "the hot barista at my favorite coffee shop." That had made her give a bashful thank you in return. A little while later, Ness the Waitress had set down a plate of kimbap "on the house" with a wink in her direction. That had gotten her a teasing smile from Paige. Spencer didn't comment. Instead she smiled into the cup of complimentary tea she had brought up to sip at.

The good mood and dose of confidence being flirted with had ended once she got back to work and Travis told her about the package waiting for her.

Spencer sighed. She had spent the rest of yesterday evening alternating between upset and annoyed right up until she blew up at Emily for giving her that key. She should apologize to her for that, explain what upset her.

Solomon and Karolina entered the shop again, laughing. The couple was followed in by Gavin. It looked like the three of them had run into each other on the street. Gavin said something and Karolina nodded in Spencer's direction. The three of them came over.

Solomon went to get his apron but Karolina stopped to whisper in her ear. "Say yes." Then she went into the kitchen, leaving her with Gavin.

"Hey." Gavin smiled at her. "Have you had lunch yet?"

"Not yet. I was about to. Just grab a croissant or something." Spencer gestured towards the baked goods on display. She figured that would be easiest. She would just pay Nina back; all she had on her was enough for her bus ride home.

"How about I take you to lunch? My treat." Gavin cocked her head to the side, grinning.

"I-" Spencer paused. She wanted to spend time with him, but she wasn't sure. She didn't want to feel like she was just using the man. Not for a meal, but as a distraction. A placeholder.

"Come on. You'll hurt my feelings if you say no." His grey eyes were so inviting, reassuring.

Karolina's instructions became easy to follow. "Yes."

"Thank you."

"Just let me grab my jacket." Spencer bit her lip bashfully. She nodded at Travis who was at the register. There were no customers at the moment so gave her a smirk and a thumbs up. Spencer glared back at her co-worker, but chuckled as she shook her head, taking his teasing in stride. When she was at the kitchen door, Solomon came out and he held the door open for her.

Karolina was waiting for her with her field jacket. She had a huge grin spread across her face. "You said yes!"

"I did." Spencer felt nervous. The times she had met with Gavin she hadn't been alone. She had been with Paige and Emily or with Dantes. And while the second time had been one on one, the two of them had just had coffee at the shop. Those were all security blankets. Spencer's jaw clenched and her thoughts went to A's presents on her shelf.

That was the push she needed. She had to do this. Just to prove that she could.

Spencer took off her apron and felt the weight of the journal in its pocket. She clutched it to her chest. She glanced up at Karolina. She pleaded with every inch of her being. "Can you hold on to this for me while I'm gone? I was my mother's."

"Yeah." Karolina spoke softly. She looked touched that Spencer was entrusting her with something. She took the journal and slipped it into her apron pocket, as she handed Spencer her jacket. "I won't let it out of my sight."

From the way that the young woman was looking at her, Spencer believed her. "Thanks."

"No problem."

"Spencer, sweetie?" Nina who had been watching their exchange spoke up from her station. "Do try to have fun."

"Because you asked so nicely, I will." Spencer smiled and put on her jacket. She waved goodbye to Karolina and Nina then left the kitchen. Her hands in her pockets, Spencer stopped in front of Gavin.

"All set?" When Spencer nodded, Gavin lead her to the door. "I know this great place where the Moroccan Chicken is to die for."

Spencer was enjoying her meal. Paige had been right when she said the Grilled Chicken Breast Moroccan was good. It tasted amazing. She had decided to try it since Gavin had brought her to same restaurant that Paige had for the first meeting. This time though she and Gavin were seating in the main dining room. But the two of them pretty much had the place to themselves at the moment.

It was easy, the flow of conversation between them. Safe topics like favorite authors and bands. Spencer was happy to hear that Kid Cudi was still making music.

"So I've been meaning to ask about your hoodie. So you're from Rosewood?" Gavin took a sip of his soda.

Spencer tensed. She set her fork down. "Yes."

Gavin stayed silent for several beats of her heart. The way he was contemplating her made her feel like he was picking her apart, layer by layer. She tried not to squirm but the question had made her uncomfortable.

"I want to be honest with you Spencer. But first I want to say that I met you before I got this assignment." Spencer felt sick as Gavin continued. "I'm doing this story-"

"Let me guess. About Rosewood." Spencer's lips narrowed to a thin line.

"Yes." Gavin said firmly, but not unkindly. "My source gave me your name."

"I don't want to talk about Rosewood." Spencer cut him off so as to not prolong her agony. She knew that something like a criminal history couldn't be kept a secret, but she liked having a few people that wouldn't judge her. She wanted someone that didn't know her past. She had wanted to start fresh. She wanted that with someone. She thought maybe that could be Gavin. It seemed everyone would find out about what she was sooner or later. Denial had lead her to believe that it would be later.

But a relationship built on lies didn't stand for very long.

"This could be a chance to tell your side of the story." Gavin pleaded.

"I wanted people dead and that's how they ended up. That's my side of the story." Spencer raised her voice, as she leaned forward. "Go ahead and quote me on that."

Gavin at least had the decency to look ashamed. Spencer stood up. "You must be a great reporter. The story comes first no matter how many people get used, or hurt, in the process."

Spencer left the table without looking back at Gavin. She threw on her jacket and kept her head up. She clenched her jaw and breathed heavily through her nose. She was so angry she was close to crying.

In truth, she was trying so hard to keep the tears back. Because if she started crying, she wouldn't stop. Each tear would be a person she couldn't trust, and she'd end up drowning in the flood.

Every lie a teardrop.

And most of those lies would be hers.

When she got back to the shop, Spencer sought out Karolina. She wanted to get her mother's journal back. She wanted to feel safe.

"Hey! How did it-" Karolina's smile transformed into confusion at see Spencer's stormy expression. "What happened?"

""I don't want to talk about it." Spencer covered her face with her hands. "I mean... I'm not ready to talk about it."

"Okay." Karolina was sympathetic, standing close enough to give support without crowding her.

"I mean." Spencer scrunched up her face in anguish, as she looked up at the ceiling to keep the tears back. "He was only after one thing." She realized what that would sound like to the young woman. "A story. About what I did in Rosewood."

"That fucker!" Karolina's shout made Travis, Solomon and most of the customers look over at the two of them. Spencer stared down at her shoes, ashamed. Karolina took Spencer's hand in her own and gave it a squeeze. "Look. This isn't your fault. He isn't worth your time. There are better guys out there."

"Maybe I should just stick to women from now on." Spencer murmured.

"You could. You'll find the right person for you." Karolina said, understanding that Spencer wasn't joking.

Spencer felt she could come out to the young woman. "Karolina, I'm..." Spencer didn't know what she was exactly. She had told Paige she was gay. But that didn't feel right. She was attracted to women and men. That meant she was bisexual. _Didn't it?_

"Spencer, whoever you're attracted to is okay with me." Karolina put her hands on Spencer's shoulders. "You're my friend, okay?"

"Yeah." Spencer smiled softly as she wiped at the corner of her eye. Karolina rubbed a hand down her biceps. It was true. Spencer was comfortable with the young woman. The two of them were friends.

"Here." Karolina pulled out her mother's journal and returned it to Spencer. "I have to go pick up Teddy from school. But call me if you need anything. And I'll come running."

It was Spencer that initiated the hug, but Karolina bone-crushingly returned it. "Take care. And. Um. Say hi to Teddy for me?"

Karolina pulled out of the hug. "I will. Bye Spencer."

Solomon came over with Karolina's coat. She put it on. The couple walked outside where they shared a quick goodbye kiss. Spencer slipped into the kitchen to exchange her field jacket for her apron. As soon as she got the apron on, she made sure that the envelope and the letter were she left it. When she saw the envelope, she sighed in relief and slipped it in the apron pocket.

"How was your lunch date?" Nina grinned at her. She was putting a batch of cookies on a cooling rack. Eli was listening in, even if it looked like she was concentrating on icing a cake with chocolate frosting.

"It was awful." Spencer admitted. She sniffled. "He wasn't who I thought he was."

"I'm sorry." Nina frowned. She went over to the fridge and took out a carton of milk. She poured some into a mug. She put three fresh cookies on a plate and then brought it all over to Spencer. "Here. Buttercreams."

Spencer's eyes became blurry. It was similar to what her mother would do to comfort her in prison. "My mom used to do this. She couldn't bring in buttercreams when she visited. But she'd buy Oreos and apple juice from the vending machines for me. Like she did when I was a kid." She picked up one of the cookies and took a bite. She closed her eyes, savoring the taste. "Buttercreams are my favorite."

"I know." Nina smiled. "Finish those up and then get back to work."

"Sure thing, Boss."

Hours later Spencer was clearing tables. The task had grown on her, just as washing dishes had. Usually a was a time for clear reflection, but her head was still cloudy from the situation with Gavin with nothing else to focus on. She needed a distraction. Soon someone came in shouting her name.

"Spencer!" Teddy shouted as she ran towards her. Spencer sat down her bussing tray as the little girl approached, dressed in a purple coat and green knit cap. But Teddy stopped short in front of her, giving her an uncertain and hesitant look instead of the usual hug.

The sight of the little girl ducking her head, shying away from her, crushed Spencer's heart. It made her feel worthless. But Teddy came. She was there waiting, offering a second chance. Hope wasn't lost.

"Hey, Cub." Spencer greeted, smiling warmly.

Teddy gave her a small smile and then gave her a hug. Spencer ran a hand over the girl's head, brushing her forehead. She felt a little warm to her touch. She murmured out a small hi.

"Hey, Spencer." Karolina came up to them. She looked flustered, buzzing out of her skin. It was out of character for the young woman that always took everything in stride.

Spencer frowned. "What's wrong?"

"I have a family emergency. I need to see my mom." Karolina bit her lip.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help?" Spencer knew that a little could help a lot. She had been there before and knew how it felt, worrying about her mother.

Karolina asked slowly. "Could you look after Teddy?"

"Of course."

"I wouldn't ask unless it was really important. Teddy loves you. And Emily and Paige trust you. There's no one else I'd ask to do this. And with what happened earlier..." Karolina ran a hand through her hair.

Spencer laughed awkwardly, hoping that it sounded more convincing to Karolina than it did to her own ears. Things were still strained between her and Emily. And the thing with Gavin made her feel awful. But her issues could take a backseat for now. "I'll watch Teddy. Go. Be with your mom. I'll let... I'll let Emily know what happened."

"Thank you." Karolina said as she handed over the girl's backpack. "Bye, Teddy."

"Bye, Lina." Teddy said quietly, her little face pressed into the outside of Spencer's leg.

Karolina gave Spencer one last look of gratitude before rushing out of the cafe.

"So Cub, what do you want to drink with your snack?" Spencer asked gently. Teddy was uncharacteristically silent and didn't answer. "I'll get you the usual hot chocolate, sound good?"

When Teddy nodded, Spencer took the little girl by her hand and balanced the bussing tray on her hip. She bit her lip. Teddy would usually be talking her ear off by now, but she had only said less than five words since arrived. At the counter she asked Frida to make a cup of hot chocolate for Teddy then she went to put up the bussing tray in the kitchen and get cleaned up.

"Hello, Miss Teddy. How are you today?" Nina greeted happily.

"Throat hurts." Teddy croaked out. Spencer frowned.

"Karolina had a family emergency. And she left Teddy with me. But I think I should take her home." Spencer pulled Teddy closer to her.

"You go right ahead. That child is sick."

"Can you take her for a bit while I get ready? I ordered her a hot chocolate. Is that okay?"

"It'll make her throat feel better." Nina nodded. "Come on, Miss Teddy. We'll go get that cup of hot chocolate while Spencer collects her things."

Taking the journal out of her apron pocket, Spencer placed it on her shelf, far from the teddy bear and baby blanket from A. She put her apron up then got her jacket on. She put the bear inside the paper bag with the blanket. She didn't want to put the journal inside, but she had to. She needed to show everything to Paige. And she might have to carry Teddy home, so the journal when into the paper bag. She rolled it closed and gripped it tightly. She left the kitchen.

Nina and Eli were sitting at a table with Teddy. The cup of hot chocolate sat steaming in front of her. Nina had an arm around the little girl, who was resting her head in her arms on the table.

Spencer went over to Teddy. "Let's go home, Cub." Once the little girl nodded, she picked her up in her arms. Teddy rested her head on her shoulder. Spencer could feel her warm breath against her neck. She placed a small kiss on the girl's forehead.

"Here." Eli held out some bills to her. Spencer stared at her; still not sure how she felt about the older woman. "For a cab. You don't plan on walking all the way there do you?"

Spencer actually had intended to do that. She juggled the paper bag to her other hand so she could take the cab fare. She slipped it into her pocket. "Right. I'll pay-"

"Nope." Eli held a hand up. "Just get the kid home and in bed. You rest up too."

"Okay." Spencer held Teddy tighter. She said goodbye to everyone. Eli helped the two of them into a cab. Spencer gave the driver the address. She rubbed Teddy's back. She closed her eyes, hoping she could do this. The tiny human in her arms was depending on her. Taking care of her sick daughter probably wasn't what Emily had in mind when she gave Spencer the key to their apartment.

Spencer had called Paige's phone, but it was busy. She was cursing herself for not having Emily's number. She didn't know what she was trying to prove by not having it on her phone. She wanted to show that she needn't need Emily and that was biting her in the ass now.

She had called Nina, who reassured her that Teddy most likely had the flu. If she monitored the girl's fever and made sure she got plenty of rest and fluids, Teddy would be fine until one of her mothers came home. It was Nina that had gotten through to Emily. Or rather to one of the OR nurses acting as a go-between, who informed her that once Emily could get out of the surgery, she'd be home.

Right now, she and Teddy were cuddled up on the couch watching a bizarre cartoon with a human boy, a talking shape shifting dog and a large amount of princesses_. _A few episodes in she figured out it was called _Adventure Time. _She found herself enjoying it.

She was proud of herself for getting the TV on and the movies queued up with a little help from Travis, who had texted her instructions. She had no idea what kind of movies Teddy would want to watch so decided she couldn't go wrong with some classics. After enjoying a couple Disney movies, a menu had popped up and suggested an episode of the cartoon. Teddy had said that she and her mama would watch it, that it was Paige's favorite cartoon. Feeling bad that Teddy had gotten stuck with her as a caregiver, Spencer selected the cartoon.

"I really like Princess Bubblegum and Marceline." Spencer liked their bickering but loving relationship. And they were both snarky. "Who's your favorite, Cub?"

Teddy sat up. The little girl gave Spencer an apologetic look and then proceeded to throw up what little she had in her stomach. "Sorry," Teddy whimpered.

The girl's pajama top had been soiled, and some had gotten on Spencer. She gritted her teeth. She had dealt with bigger messes in prison, but it was just her luck that once she took off her Rosewood hoodie she'd get covered in vomit.

"I want my Mommy." Teddy started crying.

"Hey, it's okay, Cub. She'll be home soon." Spencer said in what she hoped was a soothing voice. "Let's get cleaned up."

She brought Teddy to her bedroom. She got a set of fresh pajamas and brought her to the bathroom. She got Teddy undressed and cleaned her with a warm washcloth. The dirty pajamas went into the sink filling with water and the new pajamas went on Teddy. Once Teddy was all set on the couch watching _Monster Inc., _Spencer cleaned up the bit of vomitus that got on the floor.

Done with the task, she took off her own soiled shirt, added it to the pajamas in the sink to rinse. When she was finished, she had no choice but to throw on her Rosewood hoodie before joining Teddy on the couch. She pulled Teddy into her side, and watched the movie.

After the credits played, Teddy murmured that she wanted to watch Nemo. It figured the little girl would love that movie. She was the daughter of two swimmers after all.

"Do you feel like eating Cub?" Spencer asked in the hopes the question would wake up Teddy's appetite and she'd have some food before they started on _Finding Nemo. _

"Mama makes chicken doodles." Teddy coughed then she closed her eyes, the effort to talk taking a lot out of her.

"I'll see what I can do." Spencer bit her lip. "Stay here with Heddy and Dantes." She stood up and made sure Teddy was comfortable on the couch with a pillow and blanket.

Spencer didn't like how the lights in a room would automatically turn on when she'd walk inside. It always startled her no matter how many times she told herself the lights were on a motion sensor. There was no guard hitting a switch to catch her in the act and she wasn't doing anything wrong.

That wasn't right. She was doing something wrong. Things with Emily were wrong. She was all wrong. There was a ringing reminder in her head that never let her forget.

After opening a few cabinets, Spencer found a can of chicken noodle soup. She hoped Teddy didn't mind that it wasn't made from scratch but it was better than nothing. She set the can on the counter as she realized she was going to have a hard time with the stove.

It had a touch screen similar to the one in the shower. But when she pressed her finger to the screen, nothing happened. It didn't make a sound. It didn't light up. Spencer frowned and hunched her shoulders as she leaned against the counter.

"Spencer?"

"Teddy wanted soup. I wanted to make her soup." Spencer choked out. "But I couldn't get the stove to turn on. I didn't know how."

"It's alright. Even I have trouble with it sometimes." Emily joked and stepped up to the stove. "It's on a child lock mode. For Teddy."

"Oh." She looked up at Emily. The woman look rushed, still dressed in her scrubs. "Teddy's on the couch."

"Yeah, I saw. She's asleep." Emily was studying her intently. Spencer suddenly found the can of soup very interesting. "Thank you for watching her after Karolina had to go see to her mom. She wasn't too much trouble, I hope."

"Not at all. We just curled up on the couch and watched movies. Some _Adventure Time._"

"That's Paige's doing. She loves that cartoon. We'd watch it all the time senior year. She made a vow to introduce it to her children. And she did. She keeps her promises." Emily had on a wistful smile.

"She did throw up. But I cleaned her up." Spencer felt the need to clarify. Emily had gotten mad at her before when she had screwed up with Teddy. She didn't want to face that again. She didn't want to be accused of hurting Teddy. "Not in the tub or anything. With a damp wash cloth. I changed her pajamas. Then it was back to the couch. She's just been really tired."

"Spencer. You did exactly what Paige and I would do." Emily's voice was firm but reassuring.

"It's a good thing you gave me a key. I don't know what I would have done. She wouldn't have been comfortable anywhere else." Spencer rubbed her right arm. She looked up at Emily, who was still watching her. "I'm sorry I freaked out about the key."

"That's my fault. It was too soon." Emily leaned her back against the counter. She hugged her arms to her chest. Spencer wished she could be the one holding Emily, offering a comforting embrace.

"Maybe. But I shouldn't have blown up like I did." Spencer bit her lip.

"I just want you to have place where you feel safe. I know you can take care of yourself. But that doesn't mean you have to be by yourself." Emily's eyes were misty.

Spencer had Emily wrapped in her arms in an instant. "Don't cry. Not over me."

Emily pulled her in closer. They had been apart for so long and that was Spencer's doing. The pushing and the running away were for Emily's protection as much as her own. The walls were up so she wouldn't crumble. So she wouldn't get hurt.

Because even though it would be so easy to bridge the distance between them, it would hurt to bring her lips up to Emily's. It would hurt to have their bodies pressed together. It would hurt to leave a trail of kisses from Emily's jaw down to her collarbone. It would hurt to taste her skin.

Skin that was marked by another. If she hadn't seen the hickey Paige had left, Spencer might have gone ahead and given into the urge. A moment of ecstasy and then an eternity of guilt.

She closed her eyes, and let her head drop against Emily's shoulder. She let out a contented sigh. She did feel safe here.

And that made it hard to trust herself.

Spencer pulled back from Emily, but still held onto her shoulders. "You shouldn't have to protect me. You already take care of so many. Paige and Teddy. Your patients."

"No. I do Spencer. Because no one else seems to be taking care of you. And because you've been protecting all of us."

Her eyes widened. She jumped back from Emily, as if she was burned. "Don't. Just don't. Please." Her shoulders slumped.

Emily's brows furrowed, but not in anger. Emily was hurt. "So it's true."

It wasn't a question.

"I can't." Spencer turned away.

"Or you won't. Don't shut me out. And don't lie to me." Emily pleaded. The tears were back in her eyes.

Spencer was falling. Everything she had built so carefully was crashing down around her. Nothing could stand. She was the architect and her lies were collapsing, and taking her with them. There was nothing to grab onto. The ground was rushing up to meet her.

"I'm not ready." Spencer choked out. Her throat felt raw. Her head was pounding and her eyes were stinging.

"Okay, Spence. I'll be here waiting until you are." Emily cupped her cheek and Spencer shivered. Emily frowned. "You're burning up."

Spencer nuzzled into her hand before jerking away. "I'm fine. Teddy's the one you should go to."

Emily sighed. "Go sit in the living room. I'll make you both some soup. And be in with some cough syrup."

"But-" Spencer started to protest but she swallowed it when Emily shot her a look that told her not to argue. She wondered if this was the look she gave Teddy when the girl was being unruly or if this was how she silenced other doctors and parents of patients that were being pains in the ass. She grumbled out an okay.

Spencer went back to the living room where Teddy was asleep on the couch. Dantes looked up at her from his spot next to the little girl. He jumped off and padded over to her. Spencer sat down in the armchair, and Dantes settled at her feet. She decided to go back to watching _Adventure Time. _

Halfway through the episode, Teddy whimpered and then woke up with a cry. She sat up. Spencer went to her while the little girl held her arms out. Spencer picked her up, and placed her in her lap.

The girl rested her head against her chest. She started coughing. Spencer could feel the vibrations wrack the small body against her own.

"Mommy?" she whimpered.

"No. It's Spencer, but your Mommy is home making us soup."

"Okay." Teddy settled back against her chest. The girl was quiet for a while. "You sound the same."

"I do?" Spencer smiled. She had no idea what the girl was talking about, but she was glad the girl was talking about anything. "So what do I sound like?"

"Your heart sounds like Mommy's." Teddy whispered. "It sounds nice. Mommy holds me when I'm sick and Mama makes soup. So I get better fast."

Spencer was going to answer, when she coughed. She ended up apologizing to the little girl too.

"Did I make you sick?" Teddy frowned.

"No you didn't." Spencer rubbed her back to reassure her. "We probably were exposed to the pathogen- uh germ making us sick at the same time." That was the likely answer. She didn't know who or what they caught it from.

Emily came into the living room carrying a tray loaded with bowl of soup and glasses of orange juice. "Here we go." She set the tray on the coffee table and then glanced up at the pair of them. "Oh." She was watching Teddy sit in Spencer's lap in such a way that she had to look away.

"Sorry. She woke up crying." Spencer could feel Emily's eyes on her as she stared down at the carpet. The couch cushion shifted under Emily's weight as she took a seat next to her.

"Don't apologize." Emily took her free hand into her own. She ran her thumb over her scarred and scabbed up knuckles. Spencer had the feeling that if Teddy wasn't in the room, Emily would have brought her hand up to her lips and kissed them.

Teddy wiggled around in her lap and transferred herself over to her mother's lap. "This one just loves being held." Emily kissed her daughter's forehead. "How are you feeling Baby Girl?"

"Sick. Can me and Spencer have soup? And watch Nemo now?" Teddy tipped her head back to look up at her mother.

"Of course. But first," Emily maneuvered herself to grab a bottle of syrup. "You need to take some medicine."

"Don't wanna." Teddy clapped a hand over her mouth.

"Teddy, we go through this every time. But you take the medicine and then you feel better after. Don't you?"

"You said if I got shot I wouldn't get sick. It hurt but I got sick." Teddy pouted.

"Are you sure you're sick?" Emily muttered as she put a hand to her forehead in exasperation. To Spencer she said, "She means the flu shot."

"Well Cub, how about I go first?" Spencer tried.

"Okay." Teddy said slowly.

Emily gave her an appreciative smile, and poured some of the syrup into a medication cup. Spencer downed it all in one go. She managed not to make a face at the taste. "Fifteen years and it still tastes like that."

That earned her Emily's laughter. Spencer reveled in the sound. She watched her face light up. How did she go so long without Emily's laugh in her life?

"Your turn, Baby Girl." Emily poured out half the amount of what Spencer had taken into the cup. She held it out to Teddy, who looked up at Spencer.

She nodded at the little girl. Teddy took the cup and followed Spencer's example of downing all of the medicine in one go.

"Bleh," Teddy stuck her tongue out. "Gross."

"Here." Emily traded the small medicine cup for the tumbler of orange juice. Teddy took a few sips. "I think that calls for _Finding Nemo."_

"Definitely."

Spencer put the movie on. They had their soup and when they were finished, she placed the blanket over their laps. They settled in for the rest of the movie. And another after that, during which Teddy fell asleep between the two of them.

It was one of those family moments Spencer had promised to herself when she was younger and had only existed in her daydreams for the last fifteen years.

The front door opened and in daydreams was where those moments would have to stay.

Paige came into the living room, brown leather satchel in hand and loosening the red scarf around her neck with the other. Her hand seemed to pause at her throat when she saw them sitting on the couch, her fingers in a struggle. She set her satchel on the armchair, freeing up her hand.

"Hey." Paige greeted. Spencer watched as the black prosthetic fingers worked with flesh ones to get her scarf off before looking away. "How is she?"

"She's good. She has a fever and a cough so I gave her some medicine for that. Which is why she's knocked out. And Spencer said that she threw up earlier but got her cleaned up."

Spencer felt Paige coming to stand behind them, an action that made her tense. Paige leaned forward against the back of the couch, right by her ear. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched her brush back some of Teddy's hair out of her face. "Poor Tedge."

"Thank you Spencer. For being here for her when neither of us could." Paige patted her on the shoulder.

"Spence is sick too. The flu. It's going around." Emily added.

Paige was quiet too long before speaking. "You know that means you'll be staying here right?"

Spencer faced her. The woman was grinning, which made her feel relieved. After the gifts from A and the day she had, she was too tired to spend the night alone. She wanted to stay, but she wasn't going to ask.

"Yeah." Spencer breathed out. "I figured."

"Paige will lend you some clothes to sleep in. You'll end up swimming in mine." Emily looked pleased at her reply.

"Let me carry Teddy to bed and then I'll get on that." Paige nodded as she shrugged her coat off and hung it on the back of the armchair.

Emily stood up to gather up their bowls and glasses. Spencer did the same to offer her help, but Emily stilled in her clean up.

"A Sharks hoodie. I haven't seen one of those in a while. Not since..." Emily was frowning. "Where did you get that?"

""It's mine. I pulled it out of the storage unit this morning because I needed a change of clothes for work." Spencer didn't look at either of them. Her voice sounded weak and scratchy, but there were things that needed to be said.

"You spent the night there," Paige said with no surprise.

"Yes." Spencer admitted. "Thanks for the cot by the way."

Paige always seemed to know what she was planning to do. The lawyer knew all her moves before she made them, sometimes two or three moves ahead. "I figured I couldn't stop you from staying there. I was thinking of putting a desk in there, but I went with the cot. Maybe you'd take the hint and actually use it."

"Wait!" Emily looked at Teddy and then lowered her voice. "Just wait. You knew about this? Then again, why am I so surprised? Of course you do."

"Emily. Please don't be mad at Paige." Spencer stepped in to defend Paige. "She was just doing what I asked her. And what my mom asked her to do." She looked at Paige, who nodded for her to continue. "I know you hate being kept in the dark. It's not fair to you. And it's patronizing."

"My mom kept journals while I was in prison where she wrote down everything. Including information she got while investigating my case. She went over everything." Spencer smiled. She got her tenacity from her mother. "So I've been reading them to..."

"To be close to her again." Emily understood.

A photo, a letter, and the journals were her all she had left of her mother. They were a poor substitute for the real thing but she was grateful to have them. Her mother had left her the journals for a reason.

Spencer stood up straighter. While her mother could not free her before her death, she could clear her name in her honor. "Yes. And to finish what she started."


End file.
